Dove's Flight

Particularly when driving I notice the heat coming off the highway ahead in a shimmery dreamlike haze. That is the same image in my mind as my health treatment progresses. Meeting with my doc yesterday, I realized my health is strong, my lifestyle is normal, my energy is good yet that shimmery haze is approaching on life's highway.

I've been in active treatment since Sept 05. Currently used drugs are still effectively reducing the CA125 count, which measures the cancer protein in the blood, now at 3. It's not likely to go any lower even with continuous treatment. My body is rebelling though with more nauseau. That makes life unpleasant but still doable. Besides what I have already used, there is very little else to turn to that is practiced medicine for ovca. He reviewed a few things he is trying out with long term patients but in my mind, I can't place myself at that end of the spectrum yet. I want to keep using the tried and true until no longer possible.

My window of dreams is shrinking. How do I use each hour of the day? What are my goals for children and myself for the next year? Am I willing to invest energy in a new venture if I'm not able to see the end? Remember Moses traveled for 40 yrs to be denied all but a lookout point view of the promised land. What are my battles worth fighting when each one consumes precious energy?

In the driver's seat, that humid haze obstructs my view. I can see only so far.

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• #1 Comment from smilesiris 
  9/1/08 8:54 PM | Permalink

  Dear Father, We ask for Your healing touch that only you can give for her and her family. A physical healing as well as emotional and spiritual healing. May she feel your touch in her life, even today. Show her your glory and love that you have for her and her family. We hear her hurt in her words, the anger, the hostility and the fear. Help her not to fear the future but to trust you for each new day. Help her to remember that Moses made some bad choices which led to him "being denied" the promised land. Help her to make good choices for herself and her precious family. Help her to know that you know the future and are in control of it if she would allow you to control it. Help her to know she is in your care, in your hands and that everything that has come into her life has already been through your nail-scarred hands. It's in your most precious and holy name that I pray, Amen.