Premature Jock-ularity

   Week: 8-8 (gack gack!). Season: 180-96.

   Ever seen a week where so many playoff teams not only lost, but absorbed serious bitch slappings, pimp slappings, or whatever more PC term you use for an unexpected beatdown?

   * PATRIOTS: This had all the elements of the Miami trips of my youth: Inability to either score or make a big defensive play when needed. The Pats don't have a receiver capable of getting open against an A-list secondary like Miami's (Shannon Sharpe correctly blamed the arrogance of the Pats' front office for this state of affairs).  I actually liked seeing Tom Brady calling teammates out for this abomination, even if being put on waivers by the quasi-missus played into it. 

   * COLTS: This defense could kill Vince Lombardi - not only can't they tackle, they can't even grab anymore. And is there in inverse relationship between the number of TV commercials Peyton Manning's appeared in this season and this team's offensive efficiency?

   * COWBOYS: Bill Parcells is right - let's not annoint Tony Romo yet. But his job doesn't include stopping opposing offenses, and the guys who get paid to do it fell flat on their faces against New Orleans. Very un-Tunalike.

   * JETS: Given their schedule, these guys had 11-5 and a decent shot at nosing out the Patriots for the AFC East sitting right there. And they proceed to foul the Jersey air. OK, we can hand Sean Peyton Coach of the Year now.

   Ah, another weekend in the unpredictable, unscriptable NFL. Or, as the great philosopher Roderick Toombs (beat that lymphoma, Rowdy One!) would say, "When you think you've got the answers, I change the questions."

   On to the games:

   SEAHAWKS 35, 49ers 20: Seattle quits screwing around and nails down the NFC West. (update: San Francisco within two games and owning the tiebreaker, with the Chargers visiting next week - that's what you get for screwing around, Seabags.) 

   COWBOYS 27, FALCONS 20: Injured running backs and receivers who drop passes - can't blame Jim Mora Jr. for U. of Washington dreaming on such a late fall's day.

   PATRIOTS 34, TEXANS 13: Is Patriot Nation in decay? Maybe, but we won't find out today.

   RAVENS 24, BROWNS 10: On the birds charge toward a first-round bye.

   PACKERS 27, LIONS 16: All kinds of Favrery goodness can be heard on WGAF.

   TITANS 27, JAGUARS 23: I won't be entirely sold on the Jags until they get 'er done on the road.

   DOLPHINS 16, BILLS 10: Sorry, but after watching Jason Taylor party until it hurt in the Pats' backfield last Sunday, I'm not picking against Miami.

   JETS 20, VIKINGS 17: Minnesota is the NFL version of Forrest Gump's chocolates. Never know what you'll get from this team.

   STEELERS 24, JAGUARS 17: Say what you want about this Steelers team, but it has never quit.

   BEARS 23, BUCCANEERS 7: Devin Hester won't get more than two chances to take kickoffs to the house.

   SAINTS 27, REDSKINS 14: The thought of the New Orleans offense matching up against the Chicago defense in the NFC title game is pretty damned enticing.

   BRONCOS 20, CARDINALS 16: "Arizona" and "winning streak" go together like Mitt Romney and Elton John.

   GIANTS 20, EAGLES 17: The NFL's ultimate Dow Jonesers go back on the uptick just in time.

   RAIDERS 21, RAMS 20: Ah, '80s LA nostalgia.

   CHARGERS 31, CHIEFS 20: This week, the Super Bowl is San Diego's to lose.

   BENGALS 38, COLTS 31: Maybe it won't be coming from his own team, but here's an old-school run-and-gun game Chiefs owner and AFL founding father Lamar Hunt will enjoy from his new luxury box.

   And bowl season opens Tuesday:

   POINSETTIA BOWL: TCU 30, NORTHERN ILLINOIS 27: An early bowl worth watching to see NIU's 5-7 Garrett Wolfe go up against a quality defense. Let's hear the draftniks go on about how Wolfe's too small and not durable enough...the same kind of smack they talked about a certain runner from TCU a few years ago.

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