Premature Jock-ularity

Volley ho!

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 04:35:50 GMT

This space is usually dedicated to talking about real athletes. Sometimes praising them, often damning them, frequently making fun of them.

Yesterday, I tried to play an athlete at the beach ... and it felt so much more fun than watching them on TV. And even more fun because two summers ago, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be doing it again.

If you were at Scarborough State Beach in Narragansett, R.I., yesterday, you could've seen one of your All-Star Bloggers (the guy with the sunglasses out of a ZZ Top video, the blue do-rag covering his nearly bald dome and a big old brace on his right knee) struggling to keep a volleyball in play or hit it over the net.

Mine was not exactly a Karch Karalyesque performance, but the last time I felt so mobile, was able to run down a ball and even jump a bit at the net, I still had a functioning right anterior cruciate ligament. Some of the folks I played with were even present that beautiful July Saturday two years ago when, as I turned to try to play a ball hit down the middle past me in a 13-13 game, the pop of my knee could be heard across Narragansett Bay (it didn't really hurt, but after one attempt to resume play, I knew I did something beyond just a simple sprain). I had been hoping to celebrate my 40th birthday four weeks later by playing in a tournament, or at least playing 10 games or so at Scarborough. Instead, age had apparently caught up with me.

Thanks to arthroscopic surgery, intense physical therapy, and plenty of treadmill and weights, I made it back on the court exactly one year later. But the three or four times I played last summer, I still felt tentative, afraid to jump or go low to my right after a ball. I had already made it farther back than one of my longtime fellow players who tore his ACL in a work accident and never (to my knowledge) returned to the court, but it just didn't feel right. Fifty percent of the previous me wasn't enough.

Yesterday, though, I think I reached 80-90 percent. My days as a blocker are probably done, but I felt faster and could dive to my right after balls (maybe the 35 pounds this recent Atkins alum lost since last year helped). The game was fun (even if I only played on one winning team in six games, with two to four people on a team), and my old enthusiasm is back. Hey, I've got about eight years to brush up my game for volleyball's Champions Tour.

A few observations:

* Beach volleyball is no longer a young person's game. When I started playing in the late '80s (and there used to be a game almost every day - many of the folks I played with then were teachers), there were always young stud puppies coming up the beach looking for a game. It was always a pleasure to give the musclemen a little lesson in humility - there were a couple of Adonises among the regulars, but for a lot of these guys, the beef was for display purposes only. I would peg the game's decline at about the time the X-Games started - we lost the young trendy jocks. The group I play with now is mostly over 35, married with kids ... I seldom see younger people playing volleyball at the beach anymore.

* Speaking of pups, one of our group brought his 10-year-old German shepherd out on the sand. Best-behaved dog I've ever seen at a beach ... didn't even woof or growl when her daddy's errant serve bonked her in the head.

* If you watch the pros on TV, you'll often hear Chris Marlowe, who is to our game what Jim McKay is to the Olympics, talk about the good and bad sides of the court. For the pros, the good side is playing into the wind - when trying to pass a ball close to the net, the breeze keeps it from becoming an easy spike for the opponents. That's not quite true at our level, particularly in the wind tunnel we played in yesterday with the 25-30 mph gusts blowing in off the Atlantic and down the beach, which faces the bay. The serve is one of my game's strengths, but it took me five or six tries to get a ball successfully over the net into that wind. But have the pros really had a good or bad side since they started building grandstands on the beach for the big tournaments?

* We play old school at Scarborough. None of the silly rules put into the game over the past 15 years, ostensibly to get more TV coverage. No rally point garbage - youhave to be serving to score a point, and for us, a long sideout battle is just a key part of the game. No rally clock - if it takes 6 1/2 hours to play a best of three match, as happened at the 1968 Manhattan (Calif.) Open, the '75 World Series Game 6 of beach volleyball, pull up your cooler courtside, camp out and enjoy. And if the serve hits the net and falls on the other side, it's a sideout, not a point, as is awarded for that kind of cheese (stale gouda) in the pros today. It's tough to see these rules filter down to college and high school play.

* As you've probably guessed by now, damn, I love this game. It's redemption for my youthful ineptitude at hitting a baseball.

Division Playoff Weekend, A League vs. B League

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 05:55:53 GMT

Week: 5-2. Season: 232-128.

Looking over the eight teams remaining in the playoffs, one conclusion screams out at me: the weakest of the AFC teams would be a 7- to 10-point Super Bowl favorite over the strongest NFC team.

San Diego: LT.

Baltimore: Defense, defense, defense.

New England: They just win, baby.

Indianapolis: Less pressure - maybe this is Peyton's year.

Chicago: Just give us a damn quarterback.

Seattle: Who's showing up?

Philadelphia: Injuries will catch up.

New Orleans: Where's the playoff experience?

Let's chance a look at the banquet the NFL has laid out for us this weekend:

NEW ENGLAND AT SAN DIEGO (Sunday, 4:30 p.m., CBS): The best team on paper vs. the proven winners. How can you not love this matchup?

There is a healthy amount of respect for the Chargers in Patriot Nation, but we don't play them often enough to build the contempt and trash talk that's such a big part of games with the Jets, Colts or Steelers. Plus, we remember the 41-17 beatdown last September that ended the Pats' 20-game winning streak in Foxboro.

And there's also the weekend's best matchup: LaDanian Tomlinson vs, a great red zone defense. It's a matter of making San Diego work, ensuring that LT's 10-yard pickups don't become 20-yarders and forcing Philip Rivers to make some plays - no defense gets into a young quarterback's skull deeper than New England's.

On the other side of the ball, it's nice to see Tom Brady finally throw outside with some success. Jabar Gaffney caught 11 passes all season after being picked up off the street, then proceeded to bust his dad's old team for 100 yards' worth last Sunday. And a healthy dose of screens will neutralize Shawne Merriman - the Pats learned their lessons from getting shut out in Miami on a day Jason Taylor discovered what aftershave Brady uses.

Finally, how many times has Bill Belichick stolen a game against a better team? How many times has Marty Schottenheimer gone into a playoff game with the better team and still found a way to lose? 'Nuff said.

A month ago, I would've believed the ride crashed to a halt in San Diego. But somewhere, the Pats won my confidence back.

PATRIOTS 23, CHARGERS 20.

INDIANAPOLIS AT BALTIMORE (Saturday, 4:30 p.m., CBS): What a difference a James Sanders makes. Does the much-maligned Colts rushing defense hold Larry Johnson to 32 yards without him? But then again, Indy loaded up on LJ, and the Chiefs'imaginative (?!) play calling allowed the Colts to get away with it. The Colts put the ball in the end zone twice in the second half against a defense required to spend virtually all day on the field.

For an ex-offensive coordinator, Brian Billick sure coaches a team with the emphasis on defense. But this Ravens team has a better passing game than the '00 world champions. Jamal Lewis may be slightly past his prime, but Steve McNair brings a little more leadership to the field and knows how to take a team to the Super Bowl.

Indy played over its head defensively last week. Two touchdowns will win this week.

RAVENS 17, COLTS 13.

PHILADELPHIA AT NEW ORLEANS (Saturday, 8 p.m., Fox): For three quarters, I was set to gun the upset here and ride the Jeff Garcia love train into the NFC title game. But the Eagles couldn't hold a 10-point lead against the Giants in the fourth quarter, and Lito Shepherd's injury will not help the Eagles stop the offensive firepower the Saints have amassed - a cool Brees, a burning Bush and a Deuce up the sleeve.

Philly is still capable of stealing this game with the kind of smashmouth running game that's set Garcia up well. But the Superdome (even the pre-Katrina version) hasn't seen many playoff games, and NOLA will be jacked for this game beyond any other playoff city.

SAINTS 31, EAGLES 20.

SEATTLE AT CHICAGO (Sunday, 1 p.m., Fox): I want badly to call Chicago the biggest playoff top-seeded fraud in NFL history. Rex Grossman's not getting the job done. Brian Griese didn't even have to pull a second-half comeback win over Green Bay to get the playoff start, but was every inch as mediocre as Grossman. And the defense hasn't had the same swagger since Brady faked out Brian Urlacher on that third-down scramble at Foxboro in late November.

But we all know the Seahawks are only here because Tony Romo couldn't handle the damned snap. Sure, last Saturday night's Seattle-Dallas game was an entertaining scrap with the haymakers flying, but a good overhand right could've put either team's lights out.

BEARS 20, SEAHAWKS 10.

And finally. a few thoughts about the BCS title game:

* Not to make excuses for Ohio State's lackluster performance, but a 51-day layoff between the final regular season game and the national championship game is ridiculous. The Buckeyes looked flatter than week-old Bud - even Ted Ginn's gallop with the opening kickoff didn't fire them up. Last year, Texas and USC had lesser, and equal, layoffs, and were both on their games.

* If anybody wants to deify Urban Meyer, they'll be no complaint here. What an offensive makeover! He took a unit that was good enough to win, but not overpowering (like '02 Ohio State) and turned it into a juggernaut that rammed the ball down OSU's throat on the first three possessions, effectively ending the game early. He also demonstrated masterful use of two quarterbacks who bring much different gifts to the party all season - can't wait to see if Tim Tebow can chuck it downfield next season.

* I don't fault Jim Tressel for gambling on fourth-and-1 from his own29 in the second quarter. I do fault him for the play call. If you don't think you can get it on a quarterback sneak, punt. A slow-developing play will not work in that situation against a defense with the speed of Florida's.

* Yeah, Troy Smith looked like a Heisman winner: Gino Toretta, Jason White, Danny Wuerrfel, Andre Ware, Pat Sullivan, or any of those guys who flamed out quickly in the pros.

* As much as I love Boise State, you can have the 14-15 or so points against the Gators.

Not bad, but not Super. either

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 03:55:43 GMT

A Kinda, Sorta Super Sunday, this year from a neutral corner:

Pregame: I didn't pregame with the ABC or ESPN crews, or even Daniels or Beam. This year's pregame ritual featured Eastwood and Van Cleef, as my spaghetti western DVD kick continued with "For a Few Dollars More" (kind of a fitting title for corporate America's big party day).

6:05: March of the past MVPs - not a lot of limpage or fat in this group. If Lynn Swann was playing to the crowd like a politician, that's because he is one now - he's running for governor of Pennsylvania. Sure, a much-loved Republican ex-jock seems like a can't-lose proposition, but Steve Largent managed to lose in Oklahoma, about as red a state as there is.

6:09: The Seahawks could've picked a much better song to take the field to than "Bittersweet Symphony" - sounds like a team resigned to defeat. I would rather have my team take the field to either Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" or the theme music to almost any Sergio Leone film.

6:12: Speaking of music, it's great to have live musicians for once for "The Star-Spangled Banner" (Dr. John on piano, along with a standup bassist and tom-tom player, backing Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin). Call me unpatriotic, but the Whitney Houston rendtion at Super Bowl XXV opened the door for almost 15 years of overproduced shlock backing tracks overpowering the singer. It gives me a bigger appreciation for James Taylor's simple version on acoustic guitar at Fenway Park.

6:22: Sean Morey (frommmmm Brown University) out with the Steeler captains for the coin toss. Woo-hoo! But whazzup with the lack of Tom Brady love from this packed house? He played at of U. of Michigan, people! Y'all acted like he came out wearing the scarlet and gray of that other Big 10 power.

6:28. The way Seattle's doinking its way downfield, I wonder if Troy Polamalu's ankle is still sore, causing the Steelers to play looser coverage.

6:34: Whopperettes? Ugh! The descendants of Busby Berkeley will be calling on legal counsel tomorrow.

6:36: Two Pittsburgh false starts on the first possession. Those noisy Seattle fans travel well.

6:37: Mosi, my man! May the son of the former King Philip Regional High (Wrentham, Mass.) head coach have a happier Super Bowl playing experience than you did. When was the last time a big game had two key defensive players who went to the same school (USC) and of the same ethnic extraction (Samoan)? Which reminds me...greetings to Capt. Lou Albano.

6:40: Just learned that a new ball is being put into play on each snap. The 12-year-old in me will be cracking Lance Armstrong jokes until halftime.

6:46: Tom Rouen, will you angle those punts you keep bouncing into the end zone? Maybe we're just spoiled in Patriot Nation watching the fine coffin corner work of Josh Miller all season.

6:52: Why do the commercials seem so lame so far? I know the game doesn't always live up to the hype, but bring on some fun commerce! (I know, that CBS Best Super Bowl Commercials special last night had the sappy Mean Joe Greene Coke ad get voted best ever. I'd have taken the EDS cat herding ad. EDS, BTW, is the company that made Ross Perot a jillionaire.)

6:53: Have Polamalu and Zack de la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine fame ever been photographed together?

6:56: Yes, the interference call on Darrell Jackson was ticky-tack at best, but after watching that about three levels beyond lame call on Asante Samuel in Denver, I don't want to hear any yammering about this one. But I like the way Seattle's come out - much more aggression than the Steelers. Yeah, they've picked up penalties, but the Oakland Raiders and Florida State Seminoles, at their best, racked up more than 100 yards in penalties but plowed right through their mistakes with aggressiveness.

6:58: Field goal. 3-0 Seattle. Kick out the jams, Pittsburgh offense!

7:04: Based on Pittsburgh's first three possessions, this is the anxious, jittery Ben Roethlisberger '04 Playoff Edition out here, not the '05 field general.

7:08: It's only 3-0 after the first quarter, but the Seahawks are kicking the snot out of the favorites.

7:15: About time we had a winning ad: the streaking goat amidst the Clydesdales. And I applaud the Mobile ESPN ad's audacity and ambition, even if the rest of you only applauded the round card girl.

7:16 About time we had a Steeler first down, through Antwaan Randle-El's extraordinary concentration.

7:20: He couldn't quite pull in the interception, but man, can Michael Boulware sky.

7:27: You know some women's group is going to complain about the Michelob Ultra ad. Mike Tyson and Ike Turner probably fantasize about that kind of a hit, not to mention Terry Tate, Office Linebacker.

7:28 Suzy Kolber is telling us Seattle defensive back Marquard Manuel was covered by a towel while his injured groin was taped up. Uh...better you than me on that sideline, Suze.

7:32: Hines Ward's failure to haul in the touchdown pass was a classic case of a receiver trying too hard to keep tippytoes in bounds that he forget to grab the ball.

7:34: Hines makes the big catch for 36 yards. Great job by Big Ben of stopping short of the scrimmage line, even though that ball looked like it was thrown out of an elevator shaft.

7:37: Dang, Jerome Bettis, you could've given us that nice Hollywood touchdown if you'd cut right instead of left.

7:39: All right, Shaq, Hawkman, Hef, and you other little gossips - guess I'm a Lynette.

7:40: Helicopter it, Ben, like that other number 7 did a few years ago! But nice work nonetheless, and same to you, Bus, for that block on Lofa Tatupu.

7:45: I'm sorry, that GoDaddy.com harlot is NOT allthat (and she couldn't wrestle her way out of a paper bag, either). For me, it's more about the O.

7:53: Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck: distinguished graduates of the Herman Edwards School of Clock Management.

8:07: The Stones serve us "Start Me Up," "Rough Justice" and "Satisfaction" for my snarking approval. You make a dead man (physically demonstrate his delight for the 5-second tape delay). You mean it takes the people on the field and inside the tongue six hours of rehearsal to throw their hands in the air like they just don't care? And why didn't Mick Jagger bust out one of the NFL jerseys he wore on the Tattoo You tour? This show left me resolving, before I go to bed, to pop in the 2001 Patriots DVD for the historic U2 performance.

8:25: Love the "I'm going to Disney World" rehearsals. Roethlisberger has this certain Will Ferrell on a week-long bender quality to him.

8:29: Holmgren (as told to Suze): "I called the plays, and Matt audibled." God, Brady would still be buried as a third-stringer if Holmgren had drafted him.

8:32: Fast Eddie Felson would've waited until the second half to show his game if he didn't shoot stick for a living. Fast Willie Parker showed his 75-yard game at the right time, and Seattle's in trouble. Marcus Allen's old record 74-yard run is still more memorable, thanks to my college roommate shouting "You're #$%&ed, Marcus!" at the top of his lungs before he turned it back up the middle.

8:35: Ameriquest's bumpy plane ride gets down with a little sex and a little humor. Still, it does not equal the wife walking in on the husband with a spaghetti sauce-soaked cat in one hand and a chopping knife in the other from last year's game (how that wasn't a top-fiver on CBS' show is beyond me). Yes, I'm a cat lover. Convict me.

8:40: Josh Brown's got a big leg - he sent both missed field goals for 60-yard-plus rides. He is the placekicking equivalent of the pre-1961 Sandy Koufax.

8:44: Andrew Dyson's hurt. The Seahawks have lost two defensive backs. There's the tapping out Joey Porter promised.

8:45: Sound bite: Bettis telling Parker on the bench, "Stick it out, then back inside," before Fast Willie broke the big one. Most fortuitous miking on a Super Bowl bench since Hank Stram called 65 Toss Power Trap.

8:49: To those readers identifying themselves as Christian conservatives: How do you feel about the monster-machine marriage depicted in the Hummer ad?

8:52; Big Ben goes in for the kill, and Kelly Herndon picks it off and puts Seattle right back in the game. Champ Bailey's pickoff in Denver was the result of Brady trying to force a ball where he shouldn't have. This was just a horrendous pass. There's no excuse for an NFL quarterback making a throw like that. Ever.

8:54: Hey, Jeramy Stevens finally held on to a pass! 14-10.

9:00 Seattle defensive tackle Rocky Bernard is now sidelined. Seahawk defenders are tapping like Gregory Hines.

9:05: I'm not old enough to have seen Dick Stuart play first base for the Red Sox, but after dropping his third ball of the night, Stevens is giving me a good idea what my early 60s' forebears witnessed.

9:13: Third quarter ends, and are the Seahawks on a 98-yard drive here? This is catnip for NFL Films scriptwriters.

9:20: After a holding penalty wipes out Stevens' catch at the Steeler 2, Seattle is treading that line between aggressive football and pure foolishness. Wait...Casey Hampton's first sack since early '03 put Seattle over that line.

9:22: Ike Taylor makes up for his early drop with a pick that preserves the Pittsburgh lead. It's enough to make a quarterback want to crack back somebody. Holmgren's pile of legitimate grievances about the officiating is growing - I just hope his wife and daughter, in Africa on a medical mission, aren't trying to get some justice from the spiritual successors to Idi Amin or that little guy Mbutu in the leopard-skin pillbox hat who used to run Zaire.

9:27: Randle-El to Ward - best throw of the night! For a guy with a smashmouth image, Bill Cowher loves having a slash toy in his offensive arsenal.

9:30: Patty and Selma Bouvier are in heaven! A McGuyver Mastercard ad,

9:35: Did Seattle just pick up Deshea Townsend's blitz with the "Look out!" block or the "Oh @#$%!" block?

9:50: Big Ben would've made a fine option QB, eh?

10:00: What is John Madden's obsession with kicking a field goal to cut the lead to 21-13? Madden's credibility has taken a nosedive at my casa ever since he suggested the Patriots play for OT in Super Bowl XXXVI after the Rams tied the game with less than two minutes left, prompting me to question if he was on crack. The Pats' defense was done - if the Rams won the toss, game over.

10:02: Random fact: The GoDaddy.com bimbo committed suicide after Bill Cowher won the wet T-shirt contest.

10:03: These guys are acting like they've won the Super Bowl before. Doesn't matter that some of these guys weren't even born the last time Pittsburgh won one.

Some final postgame thoughts:

* MVP was a tough pick - nobody reached out and grabbed it. In this case, Ward's two big catches were enough, even if it wasn't quite the monster game Deion Branch had last year.

* The Bus is parked for good, championship ring on his finger and place in Canton secure.

* There've been better-officiated Super Bowls, to say the least.

* Shaun Alexander had the world's quietest 95-yard rushing night. Around him were too many mistakes.

* The Steelers didn't bring their A game tonight, but it was good enough to win. Steve Young summed it up best: "This championship was won in Indianapolis and Denver."

Day 16: Dear Mr. Ruth ...

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 05:40:09 GMT

... or can I just call you Babe? It sounds much less pretentious than Bambino, and more distinctive than George Herman (thank God ESPN stopped making Chris Berman call people by their Christian names).

There's been a lot of verbiage about you around these parts, ever since your former boss Harry Frazee shipped you to New York. If only Mel Brooks had been around at that time ... Frazee could've found alternative financing for his stage productions without having to peddle your contract.

As a result, your name has been taken in vain for too long in my favorite American city, particularly since that Dan Shaughnessy fellow from the local kitty box liner exploited your legacy for fun, fame and profit. Every TV announcer and radio talk show host who deals with your first team drags your name through the mud when discussing why the Red Sox couldn't beat the Yankees when it counted. They pinned it on you.

Wherever you are, Babe, whether you looked down from heaven or were having a hotter time with the cool people, your Boston legacy is safe again. That whole curse thing is over. It's more over than the AMC Pacer, or Betamax, or dial-up connections.

Even if you still think of yourself more as a Yankee, and even though you'll always be wearing that NY cap on the wall in Cooperstown, you'd have been proud of your old team tonight, Babe, just like you were 86 years ago when you won your third of many world championships.

I don't blame you if you missed the ending - the clock on the scoreboard read 12:00 when the Red Sox made the final out. In your day, games never ran til midnight like they routinely do in the playoffs - they never ran past dark, and you didn't need a big electronic device to keep track of runs, balls, strikes and outs. If you were up til midnight, you were enjoying some tasty hooch or some exploits that would earn something called the NC-17 rating today.

And you'd love these current Red Sox ... guys after your own heart, even if none of them ever launched a piano into a lake, or missed a half-season with a bellyache from scarfing too many Nathan's (you'd leave those little Korean guys who win the contest on Coney Island every July 4 in the sauerkraut).

Take Johnny Damon, for instance. He spent last winter training, like you did, with the fruit of the barley hop, and now look at him! He launched two home runs, just like you used to on a good day. And you were the kind of guy who would've gone a season without a haircut if you played in a different era, or grown a beard that you shave occasionally for libraries or kids' charities, like Johnny does.

In your day, the pitcher took the ball two or three times a week, and sometimes pitched both ends of a doubleheader. Tonight, Derek Lowe started on two days' rest, which you, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson and the other greats of your era used to do routinely. It's never done today. And Lowe kicked ass - the Yankees just beat the ball into the ground. The modern, juiced-up ball, not the dead one used before you became a full-time outfielder.

I can tell you're envious about these Red Sox having the chance to play with David Ortiz, which circumstances of your time denied you (you lived just long enough to see that heinous state of affairs end). Imagine you, Big Popi and Manny Ramirez batting 3-4-5, or some combination thereof? You guys would be racing to 100 homers without chemical help, like that ... well, you'd be putting more balls in the bay than him, too, if you ever played at (insert this week's holder of corporate naming rights) Park on San Francisco Bay.

Truth be told, Babe, we never stopped loving you in Boston. It's just that your memory became a symbol of something horrible, our team's futilty and inability to beat the Yankees in October. Other people are responsible for that, people who have been shut up just like the ones Curt Schilling was talking about last week (yeah, I know, he'd have pitched a no-hitter last night if he soaked his ankle in Everclear in the dugout between innings, but these modern training techniques are sometimes beyond me, too).

C'mon back Saturday night, when the World Series opens. You'd love Fenway Park now - it's still got everything it had when you played, with just a few things added on (ads above the Green Monster instead of simply painted on it, that .406 Club high above home plate where you and the spirit of Ted Williams could hold court, supreme ethnic cuisine). You've hung with the Yankees long enough - you have been, and will always be, one of us. Red Sox Nation will roll out the red carpet for your state visit. The Curse of the Bambino is dead. Long live The Babe.

Sincerely,

a lifelong Red Sox fan

Conference championships: But for the grace of mistakes...

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 18:47:04 GMT

Last week: 3-1. Season: 235-129.

One is here because the best team in the regular season made some horrendous mistakes.

One is here because a run defense that had missing in action all season finally showed up.

One is here because its quarterback's flickering light switch happened to be on last weekend.

One is here because the gods decided a certain low-lying city had suffered enough.

There are many stories on Conference Championship Day...these are just four. We've beaten Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the Colts' playoff woes, to death - just play the damned game. The angles in the NFC are a little fresher, but won;t stop the winner from being a 7- to 10-point underdog in Super Bowl XLI.

NEW ENGLAND AT INDIANAPOLIS (6:30 p.m., CBS): Finally, they meet in the playoffs at Indy's place. The irresistible force (Tom Brady's 12-1 lifetime record in domes, with his nest game of 2006 coming in the Minneapolis Baggie) meets the immoveable object (Adam Vinatieri, who's just another...that polite name Al Swearingen has for the county commissioners from Yankton, has never missed a kick in the RCA Dome).

Yeah, the Colts are due. Actually, the past two seasons, they've come to Foxboro for two reasons, but ran out of bubble gum, so they just kicked ass instead. Indy was still undefeated back then, and the Pats were still struggling. Colts - yet to hit valley that night. Pats - still in valley.

Sure, Ron Sanders came off the injury report, sold a few programs and belted out a few show tunes. But the Indy run defense turned itself around because guys remembered how to tackle. (just ask Larry Johnson). Offensively, it's hard to guage where the Colts are. Manning threw five interceptions over the two playoff wins and only put his team in the end zone twice, but their final drive in Baltimore, killing about seven minutes before Vinatieri's fifth field goal, was everything you could want out of playoff offense.

And the Pats...sure, they've been vilified in the aftermath of the postgame hijinks in San Diego. All I'll say is, Ellis Hobbs should've pantomimed an injection into his ass when he was riffing the Shawne Merriman dance at midfield after the game. Now stay classy, LT. And you Philip Rivers, if Hobbs is such a lousy corner, you should've abused him for more than 21 points.

Brady was not good Sunday (first three-interception playoff game), but the great ones aren't great 24-7. They're great when they have to be. Our Tommy was, with a little help from dumb penalties, bad coaching decisions and a secondary that helped Reche Caldwell and Kabar Gaffney look like Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne.

How great were the Pats? They won on a day they managed only 51 rushing yards (abandoning the run after falling behind 14-3 late in the sceond quarter) and allowed LT more than five yards a carry. If they don't self-destruct with turnovers as they did last year in Denver, they find a way.

And they will find a way tonight. They will slow Manning down with a lyrical mix of schemes. If they can keep LT from busting the big one, they can control Joseph Addai. On offense, Brady will distribute the ball widely enough to give the running game some room it didn't have last week. There will be anxious moments. Somebody may have to step up and make a big play on defense (as Willie McGinest did on Edgerrin James in the goal line stand that ended the Pats' last visit to Indy).

A few weeks ago, after the bitchslapping from the Dolphins, I did not believe the Pats would be making a return trip to Miami. The way they responded won me back.

PATRIOTS 24, COLTS 23.

NEW ORLEANS AT CHICAGO (3 p.m., Fox): It just seems too storybook, doesn't it? A team that went 3-13 and was driven from its home by America's greatest-ever natural disaster coming back a year later and having the greatest season of its 40-year history?

Well, five years ago, a team named after the quality Americans rallied around after ourhome soil was attacked bounced back from mediocrity to win it all. I will be parked at the TV in my Andre Tippett jersey...and a Saints cap (somewhere in my house in a circa '78 Archie Manning jersey - hope it still fits).

If there was ever a dome or warm-weather team equipped for Chicago cold, it's the Saints. With Deuce and the Bush, they have the inside-outside angle covered. Drew Brees played some bad-weather games at Purdue - a soft QB doesn't go to New Orleans as a free agent. The defense isn't great, but it's not meeting a great offense, either.

Sure, Rex Grossman made a couple of nice throws against Seattle, but not enough to sell me on the Bears. The defense really stumbled down the stretch, and I just don't see this team as Super Bowl-quality. It's no '85 squad on either side of the ball.

Bon temps, NOLA (but spare me Tom Benson's damned umbrella!).

SAINTS 24, BEARS 16.

Blue brass balls

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 06:46:12 GMT

They play on a blue field, but they have balls of solid brass.

If I killed the last few minutes of the Rose Bowl blowout by reading a script describing what I was about to see in the Fiesta Bowl, I'm not sure if I would've sneered in disgust or laughed in contempt.

The announcers prattle on during the fourth quarter about how Boise State was pulling Upset of the Year (maybe it'll hold up in December) by playing straight up and not pulling trickeration of any kind.

Jared Zabransky seemingly blows the game by throwing the most ghastly interception Arizona has seen since the two Neil O'Donnell threw to Larry Brown that cost the Steelers Super Bowl XXX.

Then the crew harps on Boise State being out of gas physically.

Such are the elements that give birth to a legend, the kind that will show up on multiple ESPN Top 10 lists (Game of the Year 2007, the next update of the U's Honor Roll series, etc.), prompt punters like me to go online in search of a BSU T-shirt, and leave us delirious at the end of 14 hours' worth of football.

(I actually work with a BSU alum, but she's no football fan - she retreats from the living room and lets her spousal unit do the whooping and hollering).

I had no betting interest in this game (and I actually picked Oklahoma to win on this bandwith), but I will not be bouncing off the walls any harder during Sunday's Patriots-Jets playoff game than I did in the last 90 seconds plus overtime.

* OU's first try for two to tie the game at 28: "That ball's not catchable!" The replay proved the official made the correct call, but OC (officiating correctness) be damned after midnight.

* "Where the Sam Hill is the coverage?" after the Sooners tied it on the third try.

* "Jared, where the @#$% are you throwing that ball?" after Marcus Walker picked himoff and hauled it back to give the Sooners there first lead of the night. I was ready to log on to Wikipedia and find "Rip-your-guts-out defeat." scrolling down a bit from Game 6 of the '86 Series.

* "Miami play! Miami play!" I kept shouting after Drisan James and Jerard Rabb played Duriel Harris and Tony Nathan for the game=tying touchdown (already Wikied under "hook and lateral").

* "Those guys in the booth were right," I mumbled after Adrian Peterson, who the Bronco defense had stuffed all night, danced 25 yards through a few waves on the opening play of overtime.

* "What is Chris Petersen doing?" on fourth and two with Zebransky in motion to the left sideline. Guess the Sooner defense was thinking the same thing with receiver Vinny Perretta throwing on fourth down and finding Derek Schouman open on the lob.

* Peals of laughter when Petersen put three receivers on the right side, only to have Zebransky slip the ball to Ian Johnson in the other direction like some Roman senator whose name is lost to history slid the knife to Brutus. Whether that play worked or not, Petersen made the right call going for two, much like the Pats rejected John Madden's advice to play for overtime in Super Bowl XXXVI - the D had nothing left after shutting down the Greatest Show on Turf for three quarters. The house paid for the round-trip ticket from Boise to Glendale - why not let it ride one more time?

Take that, Ohio State and Florida. And in a perfect world, Boise State's got winners...

It's a wild Wild Card Weekend (and that's not all!)

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 03:20:27 GMT

Week: 24-12 (though 8-8 on the pros cost me a podium finish in the pool). Season: 227-126.

NEW YORK JETS AT NEW ENGLAND (Sunday, 1 p.m., CBS):

Playoff fever doesn't get old. This corner of Patriot Nation is pumped, jacked, stoked, geeked, etc. for the return of the J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! Sunday afternoon.

We haven't seen all they can give us, either. In September, when the Pats built a 24-0 lead, then held the fort after a couple of big plays made it a game, the Jets really hadn't pulled their act together yet. In November, when the New Yorkers came to Foxboro and dropped a deuce on the Flying Elvis at midfield, the Pats were banged up and enduring the midseason doldrums.

They're both humming now. The Jets beat the teams they were supposed to beat. The Pats survived two tricky road games to close out at 12-4. Maybe Bill Belichick and Nick Saban can be friends again now, but it'll take a lot more than Eric Mangini getting money-whipped by some SEC school for the nattily attired one to extend the olive branch.

What convinces me that the Pats will move on to San Diego: they threw downfield successfuly for the first time in a month at Tennessee. Reche Caldwell caught two big ones, including a touchdown, and sucked up 38 yards by drawing an interference call. The 1-2 punch of Corey Dillon and Laurence Maroney is back, too. And so's the tude (c'mon Titans, maybe Vinny Testaverde wouldn't have been throwing with two minutes left if you didn't have Kevin Mawae going for guys' knees).

What must be tightened up after the Jets' last visit: Chad Pennington spent the day doinking to guys wide open in the flat for 6-7 yards a pop (like Tom Brady's been getting by with late in the season). The run defense has improved, although without Rodney Harrison, the Pats really have to pick their spots with blitzes. They didn't put Pennington into enough third-and-longs - as good a set of playmaking receivers as he has, I like my chances if I'm making him throw more than 10 yards.

With both teams bringing their A game, I can't see the Pats losing twice at home to any team.

PATRIOTS 23, JETS 17.

KANSAS CITY AT INDIANAPOLIS (Saturday, 4:30 p.m., NBC):

Has there ever been a more trendy upset pick? Everybody's just taking it for granted Larry Johnson will roll for 200 yards on the ground. I don't necessarily think that will happen - let's see the Chiefs try to run the ball down the throat of nine guys in the box just for laughs. Trent Green will throw to Eddie Kennison for more yards than LJ gains rushing.

So I why am I joining this chorus? I don't think the Colts can just outscore their defensive woes like they used to. Marvin Harrison is finally showing his first age spots, Dallas Clark isn't near 100 percent if he does play, Joseph Addai is good but not prime Edgerrin James, and Peyton Manning...has endorsing any product that offers him 10 bucks taken something out of his game? He's still a Pro Bowler, but the Indy offense doesn't inspire the fear it used to.

CHIEFS 24, COLTS 20.

DALLAS AT SEATTLE (Saturday, 8 p.m., NBC):

This isn't the same Seahawk team that reached its first Super Bowl. Even with a healthy Shaun Alexander, it's inconsistent on offense. If not for four Josh Brown game-winning field goals, Seattle is under .500 and we're wondering how to stop Torry Holt or Frank Gore.

But the NFC champs live to fight another day because they're playing Dallas. The defense is leaking like my roof did last winter - it got blitzed by New Orleans, pummeled by Philly, and shelled for 39 points by a Detroit team that blew the Number 1 draft choice by doing so. As for Tony Romo...a little less Carrie Underwood and a little more video might help him progress beyond flash-in-the-pan status. As for the postgame fallout, I like Parcells - a Jersey guy would realize TO can be taken out with a good nut shot.

SEAHAWKS 30, COWBOYS 27.

NEW YORK GIANTS AT PHILADELPHIA (Sunday, 4:30 p.m., Fox). Thank God Tiki Barber ran wild on the Redskins - a below-.500 playoff team is like a batting champion hitting below .300 (almost happened in 1968 - Carl Yastrzemski led the AL at .301). As for the quarterback, New York stands a better chance with Eli Manning's dad out there. Let's hope Tom Coughlin didn't misplace his real estate agent's card.

When the Eagles can run, they can slobberknock people and kill clock - ask the Cowboys or Jaguars. Is Ed Harris (well, he and Jeff Garcia have never been photographed together) this year's Trent Dilfer or Brad Johnson, the journeyman in the right place at the right time? Methinks we'll be discussing that in a little more detail next week.

EAGLES 27, GIANTS 10.

Oh yeah, a little more college bowl talk:

INTERNATIONAL BOWL: CINCINNATI 20, WESTERN MICHIGAN 16. Why not a 5-0 Big East bowl sweep?

GMAC BOWL: SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI 27, OHIO 20. The Golden Eagles have the hang of the minor bowl thing.

BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: OHIO STATE 20, FLORIDA 14: The fifth-year Buckeye seniors finish their careers the way they started: hoisting the crystal ball in the Arizona night. OSU has delivered when necessary all season, defensively with big road wins at Texas and Iowa. They can play shootout when needed, such as in the 1-2 showdown with Michigan. They possess every offensive weapon necessary (to the point where we don't even talk about Ted Ginn that much anymore). Florida has been tested and found worthy of a title game, but lacks the offensive explosiveness a serious title contender needs (they rung up 38 on Arkansas in the SEC title, but still, much of Gator Country wants to bench Chris Leak and play Tim Tebow). Here's to you, Buckeyes - may you guys provide the thrills you did in '03 (or at least half of what Boise State and Oklahoma gave us Monday night).

Week 17: Year-ending thoughts

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 21:19:56 GMT

Updated early Saturday afternoon for NFL picks and commentary.

Week: 13-11. Season: 203-114.

What I'm thinking about as I wait to YouTube to deliver the footage of Saddam swinging like Tony Bennett:

* If it seems like there've been more upsets in the NFL this year, you're right. Brother Jockularity did a little anecdotal research on our pool, and discovered that the estimated winning score of 1550 (our leader in the confidence pool is at 1446) would've placed 23rd last season. Also last season, the late Father Jockularity won the pool by picking 74 percent of the games correctly. Although I'm narrowly clinging to third place 41 points out of the lead at this writing, I'm tied for the lead in winning percentage (first tiebreaker)...at 62.9 percent.

* I don't want to see Carolina on TV this weekend. I was leading the pool until Jake Delhomme threw that interception in end zone at Philly while in field goal range, and the temptation to hurl a brick through the screen is too great.

* If I were an SEC beat guy, I'd be dying to see Alabama promote defensive coordinator Joe Kimes to head coach. But he butchered the ending of the Independence Bowl as badly as I've seen a coach mismanage a clock. Joe let too much time run off after Oklahoma State got first and goal before calling his first timeout. Then, with 13 seconds left and OSU rolling out the field goal team, Kimes called two freeze-the-kicker timeouts, leaving himself without one after the kickoff and no chance to run an offensive play (forget the rule change, Joe?). Herm Edwards' clock management looks brutally efficient now.

* I figure Patriot Nation will get one quarter of Tom Brady tomorrow, maybe less after that spectacular cheap shot in the left shoulder he took from Clint Ingram in Jacksonville.

* Warning, Bears fans: Top seed + QB controversy = early playoff exit. Haven't you learned?

* Oregon State coach Mike Riley gets a Hall of Fame Moment, if not full induction, for going for two instead of the tie in the final seconds and pulling it off at the Sun Bowl. If you're not playing for a national championship, why not? Of course, Tom Osborne's call in the 1984 Orange Bowl, even though it cost Nebraska the national title, deserves full Hall induction.

* Some of these bowl matchups (Central Michigan-Middle Tennessee State, anyone?) are smelling like the March Madness Tuesday night play-in game.

* I love Vince Young, too, but can we at least require him to take the field for a playoff game before we commission the bust in Canton?

* After tonight, we won't have the NFL Network to pick on any more. But couldn't they have taken the Champs Sports Bowl instead of depriving much of America of Texas-Tech's record-setting Insight Bowl comeback?

* After watching South Carolina's Sidney Rice in the Liberty Bowl, I can easily see him in Foxboro (no way Calvin Johnson , Dwayne Jarrett or Steve Breaston lasts into the 20s come draft day).

On to the picks:

REDSKINS 16, GIANTS 10: Thus endeth one of the NFL's most spectacular second-half chokes evah.

TITANS 20, PATRIOTS 17: Really, what does New England have to play for? The three seed if the Colts choke, but that's about it.

COWBOYS 31, LIONS 19: As woeful a team as Detroit is, I'd probably prefer their wide receivers to the Patriots'.

RAMS 24, VIKINGS 16: Minnesota never recovered from that late October Monday night beatdown from the Pats.

BUCCANEERS 14, SEAHAWKS 9: An 8-8 NFC West champion. Only in America...

SAINTS 21, PANTHERS 10: Calling only seven passes won't cut it two weeks in a row, John Fox.

JETS 28, RAIDERS 6: If Eric Mangini's boys lose this, he should be dealt with in the same manner Saddam did Iraq's national soccer team coaches.

BENGALS 30, STEELERS 13: Score enough touchdowns, and you won't have to worry about bungling long snaps.

TEXANS 20, BROWNS 14: Somebody opened the time capsule, and the Ron Dayne who won the Heisman and dominated two Rose Bowls finally emerged.

CHIEFS 23, JAGUARS 20: It's nice to see two teams in the same playoff fight match up.

CARDINALS 20, CHARGERS 16: Late season upset run + resting regulars = the most ridiculous pick I've made all season.

EAGLES 20, FALCONS 16: Maybe 30 years from now, they'll make a movie about Jeff Garcia's Philly career (by then, TO will need the work).

BRONCOS 27, 49ers 10: Pick on Jay Cutler all you want, but he's thrown at least two TD passes in every game he's started.

RAVENS 24, BILLS 19: Gotta stay one step ahead of the Colts.

COLTS 23, DOLPHINS 20: Although the door of opportunity is closing on Indy, and its fingers are still in the jamb.

PACKERS 17, BEARS 13: It's chaos in Chicago, and let's just say Green Bay has some serious incentive.

And in the bowls:

INDEPENDENCE BOWL: OKLAHOMA STATE 24, ALABAMA 17. Perfunctory matchup, but the fact that the loser ends '06 with a record below .500 will bring some intensity,

HOLIDAY BOWL: TEXAS A&M 20, CALIFORNIA 13: Remember when Marshawn Lynch was getting preseason darkhorse Heisman hype?

TEXAS BOWL: RUTGERS 26, KANSAS STATE 13: As good a season as the Scarlet Knights have had, this one doesn't have me laying out an extra $10 for the premium digital tier with NFL Network.

MUSIC CITY BOWL: KENTUCKY 23, CLEMSON 20. The Wildcats have gone without a bowl long enough that this game is a big deal to them.

SUN BOWL: OREGON STATE 30, MISSOURI 23: The Beavers are hotter than a El Paso whore on the ranchhands' payday.

LIBERTY BOWL: SOUTH CAROLINA 20, HOUSTON 17. The Palmetto State bats .500.

INSIGHT BOWL: TEXAS TECH 35, MINNESOTA 30. File under also-rans putting on a good show.

CHAMP'S SPORTS BOWL: MARYLAND 21, PURDUE 20. Bad night for the Big 10.

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL: BOSTON COLLEGE 20, NAVY 9. Utah tied the Eagles' six-bowl winning streak, but BC grinds down the smaller Midshipmen.

ALAMO BOWL: TEXAS 38, IOWA 14: Playing virtually at home will discourage the defending national champs from mailing this one in.

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL: VIRGINIA TECH 26, GEORGIA 15. The Hokies rediscovered their badass late in the season.

MPC COMPUTERS BOWL: MIAMI 27, NEVADA 20. Larry Coker will be coaching in name only. The Randy Shannon Era will be short-lived if the U stumbles again.

OUTBACK BOWL: PENN STATE 17, TENNESSEE 13. Play every game like it could be JoePa's last, Nittanies.

COTTON BOWL: AUBURN 21, NEBRASKA 20. It just doesn't seem like a once-major bowl without a Texas team in it.

GATOR BOWL: WEST VIRGINIA 29, GEORGIA TECH 27. Although with Reggie Ball out, maybe Tech will use a quarterback who can throw Calvin Johnson the damned pigskin.

CAPITAL ONE BOWL: WISCONSIN 23, ARKANSAS 20. The Badgers are the season's most overlooked team - the Big 10 schedule rotation picked the wrong year to skip a UW-Ohio State matchup.

ROSE BOWL: MICHIGAN 30, USC 27. If the Wolverines can't win for Bo Schembechler and Jerry Ford...

FIESTA BOWL: OKLAHOMA 41, BOISE STATE 26. Size does matter.

ORANGE BOWL: LOUISVILLE 34, WAKE FOREST 20. Can't wait to see Pervis Ellison go up against Tim Duncan.

SUGAR BOWL: LSU 38, NOTRE DAME 17. I'm not sure Ohio State could win in the Superdome on this night.

Week 16: What did we do to deserve this?

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 18:44:41 GMT

Week: 10-7. Season: 190-103.

Sorry, all you kids in Foxboro and Nashville: Santa's already been to your little burghs. I really wonder whether there's playoff victory (or berth) left in the sleigh for either of your teams after last week.

Did anybody in Patriot Nation have a chance to lay out the milk and cookies before the Texans arrived last Sunday? Santa must've been trying on those blue jerseys, since Houston was so generous. Has a team ever won 40-7 while doing so little to deserve it?

Sure, the New England defense played like, well, a New England defense should, but Houston's ineptitude had plenty to do with it. Is David Carr progressing or regressing? To be fair, though, he could've gotten more protection from five empty Nintendo Wi boxes.

The Patriot offense had the kind of field position offensive coordinators dream about...and did little with it. All the running game did was make the Nation miss a banged-up Laurence Maroney that much more. Tom Brady didn't have that much to throw to before Ben Watson got hurt and Doug Gabriel played, fumbled, bitched, whatevered his way out on the street. Look at the numbers: 230 yards total. Brady completed 16 passes for a grand total of 109 yards (43 and a touchdown on a little doink to Kevin Faulk, before he got hurt).

This team cannot throw downfield. Call Shannon Sharpe a blowhard if you want, but his assertion that Patriot front office arrogance in letting both Deion Branch and David Givens go created the offensive problems is spot on. If Rodney Harrison successfully returns from his broken collarbone, stands on his head and belts out show tunes, maybe the defense can eke out a playoff win. But I'm not optimistic right now, since nobody could get open downfield against the might Houston secondary.

And I'm still giggling about the Titans' offensive explosion again the Jaguars. Hopefully, the Pats took notes on how to stuff Vince Young - 98 yards of total offense, with VY scramling for just 4 and keeping the ball long enough to run off less than 16 minutes of clock. Tennessee did a lot to win this game - at least the three fellows who ran back turnovers deep in their own territory for touchdowns. Jacksonville dominated, served, pimp-slapped Tennessee everywhere but the scoreboard.

Beware, New England and Tennessee: karma lurks.

On to the picks (some hermetically sealed):

PACKERS 17, VIKINGS 13: Would've been nice to see Bret Favre's possible final home game, but given the reviews of NFL Network live telecasts, maybe not.

CHIEFS 20, RAIDERS 14: The first words when the pro football world gathers in New York come April: "The Oakland Raiders are on the clock."

JAGUARS 14, PATRIOTS 10: Not against a real defense, the Pats won't.

SAINTS 24, GIANTS 17: Should've jumped at the Boston College job while it was still available, Tom Coughlin. Maybe you can still get the Alabama job.

RAMS 16, REDSKINS 13: I guess anybody's still eligible for an NFC wildcard bid.

BEARS 27, LIONS 16: Even if the impregnability of the Bears defense took a big hit from Tampa Bay in the second half.

BROWNS 13, BUCCANEERS 10: But does it buy Romeo Crennel one more year?

FALCONS 20, PANTHERS 7: Nobody calls John Fox an endangered coach, but his team sure quit on him last week.

TITANS 20, BILLS 17: Battle of the Surprise Wildcard Contenders.

COLTS 35, TEXANS 16: They're baaaaaaack! The offense, anyway.

STEELERS 17, RAVENS 13: Don't count on the Men of Steel phoning it in, Ravens.

49ers 20, CARDINALS 15: San Francisco will enter the final weekend with a chance to win the NFC West, believe it or not.

BRONCOS 27, BENGALS 24:Now that he has his first win, Jay Cutler finds the game in front of him slowing just a bit.

CHARGERS 31, SEAHAWKS 21: Marty Schottenheimer's still not slowing this team down. But it's not playoff time, either.

COWBOYS 28, EAGLES 25: We want interaction between TO and Jeff Garcia! Should be a pretty competitive game, too.

JETS 20, DOLPHINS 17: It could turn if Miami rolls out the orange jerseys.

Let's go bowling:

LAS VEGAS BOWL: BYU 24, OREGON 17. Is the Ducks' three-game losing streak karmic payback for the gift from the replay official in the Oklahoma game?

NEW ORELANS BOWL: RICE 34, TROY 16. I was not even a boy who could swim the last time Rice went to a bowl. Now, if they were playing those other Men of Troy...

PAPA JOHN'S.COM BOWL: SOUTH FLORIDA 24, EAST CAROLINA 14. I miss Little Caesar's, all of whose franchises in my neck of the woods were nsapped up by Papa John. Bulls! Bulls!

NEW MEXICO BOWL: NEW MEXICO 37, SAN JOSE STATE 34. I just suspect this is one of those WGAF matchups that will produce a better game than most of the more hyped bowls (or the poor man;s version of the '06 Rose Bowl, easily my Game of the Year choice).

ARMED FORCES BOWL: TULSA 28, UTAH 21. Little-known fun fact: the four smallest schools in Division 1-A (Tulsa, Rice, Navy and Wake Forest) are bowling this season.

HAWAII BOWL: HAWAII 48, ARIZONA STATE 44. The defense doesn't fit in the cargo hold when you fly out to Honolulu.

MOTOR CITY BOWL: CENTRAL MICHIGAN 30, MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE 20. I only venture a pick here because I've actually seen the Chippewas play on TV - they gave Boston College a pretty good go while on my summer vacation (how long? it was the same evening as my number 2 Game of the Year choice, Agassi-Baghdatis in the U.S. Open second round).

EMERALD BOWL: UCLA 31, FLORIDA STATE 10. This is a classic one team shows up, the other doesn't matchup. Given their season-ending shocker of USC, my guess is the Bruins show up.

Merry Christmas (or holiday greeting appropriate to your own faith system). Now cut a hole in that box and pack your junk in it.

Week 15: Bitch-slapping dance

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 23:36:07 GMT

Week: 8-8 (gack gack!). Season: 180-96.

Ever seen a week where so many playoff teams not only lost, but absorbed serious bitch slappings, pimp slappings, or whatever more PC term you use for an unexpected beatdown?

* PATRIOTS: This had all the elements of the Miami trips of my youth: Inability to either score or make a big defensive play when needed. The Pats don't have a receiver capable of getting open against an A-list secondary like Miami's (Shannon Sharpe correctly blamed the arrogance of the Pats' front office for this state of affairs). I actually liked seeing Tom Brady calling teammates out for this abomination, even if being put on waivers by the quasi-missus played into it.

* COLTS: This defense could kill Vince Lombardi - not only can't they tackle, they can't even grab anymore. And is there in inverse relationship between the number of TV commercials Peyton Manning's appeared in this season and this team's offensive efficiency?

* COWBOYS: Bill Parcells is right - let's not annoint Tony Romo yet. But his job doesn't include stopping opposing offenses, and the guys who get paid to do it fell flat on their faces against New Orleans. Very un-Tunalike.

* JETS: Given their schedule, these guys had 11-5 and a decent shot at nosing out the Patriots for the AFC East sitting right there. And they proceed to foul the Jersey air. OK, we can hand Sean Peyton Coach of the Year now.

Ah, another weekend in the unpredictable, unscriptable NFL. Or, as the great philosopher Roderick Toombs (beat that lymphoma, Rowdy One!) would say, "When you think you've got the answers, I change the questions."

On to the games:

SEAHAWKS 35, 49ers 20: Seattle quits screwing around and nails down the NFC West. (update: San Francisco within two games and owning the tiebreaker, with the Chargers visiting next week - that's what you get for screwing around, Seabags.)

COWBOYS 27, FALCONS 20: Injured running backs and receivers who drop passes - can't blame Jim Mora Jr. for U. of Washington dreaming on such a late fall's day.

PATRIOTS 34, TEXANS 13: Is Patriot Nation in decay? Maybe, but we won't find out today.

RAVENS 24, BROWNS 10: On the birds charge toward a first-round bye.

PACKERS 27, LIONS 16: All kinds of Favrery goodness can be heard on WGAF.

TITANS 27, JAGUARS 23: I won't be entirely sold on the Jags until they get 'er done on the road.

DOLPHINS 16, BILLS 10: Sorry, but after watching Jason Taylor party until it hurt in the Pats' backfield last Sunday, I'm not picking against Miami.

JETS 20, VIKINGS 17: Minnesota is the NFL version of Forrest Gump's chocolates. Never know what you'll get from this team.

STEELERS 24, JAGUARS 17: Say what you want about this Steelers team, but it has never quit.

BEARS 23, BUCCANEERS 7: Devin Hester won't get more than two chances to take kickoffs to the house.

SAINTS 27, REDSKINS 14: The thought of the New Orleans offense matching up against the Chicago defense in the NFC title game is pretty damned enticing.

BRONCOS 20, CARDINALS 16: "Arizona" and "winning streak" go together like Mitt Romney and Elton John.

GIANTS 20, EAGLES 17: The NFL's ultimate Dow Jonesers go back on the uptick just in time.

RAIDERS 21, RAMS 20: Ah, '80s LA nostalgia.

CHARGERS 31, CHIEFS 20: This week, the Super Bowl is San Diego's to lose.

BENGALS 38, COLTS 31: Maybe it won't be coming from his own team, but here's an old-school run-and-gun game Chiefs owner and AFL founding father Lamar Hunt will enjoy from his new luxury box.

And bowl season opens Tuesday:

POINSETTIA BOWL: TCU 30, NORTHERN ILLINOIS 27: An early bowl worth watching to see NIU's 5-7 Garrett Wolfe go up against a quality defense. Let's hear the draftniks go on about how Wolfe's too small and not durable enough...the same kind of smack they talked about a certain runner from TCU a few years ago.