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Tuesday, October 2, 2007
7:28:08 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
I Knew An Angel....
It's been a while since I've lost someone that I cared about, I forgot how many different emotions you go through especially when you don't have the chance to say good-bye. I take comfort in knowing you are no longer in pain, and also know how much you cared for every person here you called a "friend" To say I miss you doesn't even begin to describe it. Your strength and joy in living each day to the fullest inspired and touched me, drew me to you. Your silliness and hugs you always left in emails, cards and comments always made me smile. Your look at life, your devotion to everything you cared about, you truly were a gift to all those who knew you. I know you are in a better place for that I am grateful. But I miss you, sooo much.
My thoughts are with every person who knew and loved Penny, especially her daughter. She was so proud of Corey and I know she will continue to be as she watches over her.
Penny, my pajama buddy, you are dearly missed.
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again....
- Celine Dion
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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Sunday, September 16, 2007
5:00:32 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
top 10 worst...
guy 1 - your nose hair is long enough to braid
guy 2 - when I asked what your hobbies were your response was beer and women DATE OVER!!!
guy 3 - telling me at dinner I have "nice tits" take a good look at them cause thats the last time you will see them.
guy 4 - you seem more interested in being a high roller on POGO than dating.
guy 5 - in the middle of my laughing fit you looked scared. NO SENSE OF HUMOR!!!
guy 6 - cute, but your foot fetish is creepy
guy 7 - "pull my finger" was never funny, especially the act that follows
guy 8 - Mr. 'I Dont Know What I Want" your 40 make a descison!!!
guy 9 - gambling addiction, I can see us broke in the future, NO THANKS!!
guy 10 - you know more about cosmetics, lotions, and perfumes than me. Cute but obviously gay. Definite friend possibilities, nothing more.
Single isnt so bad : )
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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Wednesday, August 1, 2007
4:56:23 PM EDT
Feeling Mischievous
Hearing rude people
Here's Your Sign...
I forget who it was that did an entry a while back about men needing things spelled out for them and basically big signs put in front of their face to get the message. Do you think this will work?
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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Wednesday, July 11, 2007
7:58:35 PM EDT
Always On My Mind...
Seems odd that "Happy Girl" is playing on the radio right now, because I sure aint a happy girl.
I hate that ever since Father's Day I have been in a hole that I just can't seem to climb out of. I'm still so angry and even more angry at myself that I just can't let the past with Dad be the past.
Some of you may remember from my old journal last year I had called my Dad on Father's Day. First time him and I had spoken in over 7 years. I was really trying to make an attempt at forgiving him, and find healing with him leaving then coming back NOW wanting to be a father. Where the hell were you when I needed you?
I just didn't have it in me to call him this year on Father's Day, I sent a card. Father's Day, doesn't that mean you being apart of your child's life in some way other than just being sperm. Thanks for being a part of creating me but other than that you didn't do a damn thing for me. Oh wait... you did. You left this hole. This big dark hole of doubt and fear. Not ever feeling loved or good enough, because after all if I was good enough he would have stayed. How f-cked up is that for a child to think that? And I still think that. Although when I can think clearly and the hurt isn't hurting as much I know that isn't true.
Today, I got a letter from him wanting to know how I am, what I'm doing in my life, and he ended it with "your always on my mind" Then pick up the phone you ass! Give a little bit more than just words on paper. Show your daughter that you actually give a damn. Apologize for never being there, and for scaring me to death the few times you were. It's a little late to be a father, and I'm tired of pretty paper with words and no action.
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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Monday, June 25, 2007
11:09:23 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing fish tank
Mother's Disappointment...
There is nothing cuter than chubby baby hands and feet : )
One of my biggest fears is not making my Mom proud. Its something I spend way too much time worrying about, and it will always be that way. I know I don't live the life she thought I would. I was the girl who was going to blow the world away with her voice, the stage felt like home, but I walked off and never returned. A big regret, too late to go back now. But to actually hear her disappointment is not something I am ever prepared for. It doesn't happen often, atleast not that I hear but tonight it did.
Talking with her about all the things going on in my family right now, divorce, someone is missing, new baby on the way but its being kept a secret, just a lot of things right now going on with family. But, during the conversation after the big baby secret she said "I don't think my children will ever have kids" WOW.... Blow to the heart but I hid that well.
I've always wanted kids, from age 16 I can remember thinking up names and how many I wanted. I've kept all my favorite children's book. "Good Night Moon" is just waiting to be read a thousand times over. I've rehearsed tons of lullaby's hoping that someday I have a little one in my arms rocking them to sleep. And now at age 29 the desire is even stronger. TICK TICK TICK ... yep the clock is ticking I hear it loud and CLEAR!!! But maybe it wont happen, that hurts to even say. Some people want kids some people don't, Ive always been one of them that does, just can't find the daddy lol
It's important to me, not giving up on it yet, but It breaks my heart a little to know that the woman who gave me life is disappointed that I may not.
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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Thursday, June 14, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
4:57:45 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing The Fray
No Snuggles With You...
Well, snuggling sounds nice but the guy didn't even write anything about himself which tells me he's boring and probably a big time loser looking for a one night hook up. No thanks Mr!!
Definitely no response to this, it's funnier to post his message and let everyone see what a loser you are : )
Tags: dating sites, you loser, LOSERS
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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Friday, June 1, 2007
4:26:05 PM EDT
Feeling Worried
Hearing Coldplay
I Know Your FAT...
It's funny when someone says to you "I KNOW YOUR FAT BUT YOU NEVER EAT" Well, first off thanks for calling me FAT lol I know I am you don't need to point that out to me but not eating was part of the problem. Days of not eating would turn into a binge fest the week after, it just doesn't work and I need to fix this NOW!!
I wish I could remember when food became the enemy, when it just stopped being food and became so much more and why it will never be JUST FOOD again.
To those who have never battled an eating disorder it's very hard to understand the mind of someone who does. Most of you can't picture yourself going for days or even weeks without food, or eating so much you make yourself sick. To those who can then you understand my hell.
It's 3 weeks into this diet thing and I've only cheated once, I think that's a huge accomplishment especially making myself eat and not skip any meals.
It's about being healthy right now not about the pounds I lose even though I can tell I am. What I've also learned is that being "healthy" isn't just about what you eat, how much you eat or how much you exercise, it's about the company you keep, the people you keep close. Are they toxic or healthy relationships? It's made me think about a lot.
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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Sunday, May 20, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
12:46:42 AM EDT
Feeling Flirtatious
Hearing Pussycat Dolls
All She wants to do is Dance...
A cheesy dance song by the Pussycat Dolls
A warm summer night
Dancing around in my favorite pink bra and shorts without a care in the world for a MOMENT
Makes for a damn good time....
Written by dreamingbrwneyes
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