A SHATTERED DREAM

12:25:13 AM EST
Feeling Chillin'

 

No journal entries here in a while.I suppose I have said it all here at one time or another. Am trying to work on myself at the moment to be more fit. It has a lot to do with self esteem. I never realized how much damage has been done to my life. I ask why some seem to never find their way to the paths of freedom and happiness, accepting life one day at a time, even one moment at a time is all I can do.I am not unhappy, just content to live. There could be more to all of this I suppose. Then I think of those with so much less. Like a man that complained that he had no shoes, then saw the man that had no feet. how can I complain? well I will not!! I will take this moment to enjoy to the fullest.  

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11:38:28 PM EST
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing JOHNNY MATHIS- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU As I sit here tonight I am remembering all those years ago when my children were young. I think of their little faces so sweet and fresh. Missing those days and recalling the happiness of those years. The christmas's just come and go like the wind. The years fly by to quickly now. My bichons are fast asleep on the sofa and look like little white angels of love. I am so thankful for their love. I am never lonely with them. They are the joys of a life filled with a lot of hurts and pains. Still, I am happy to be alive to see another christmas. I have not written here in a long time. I have just been so busy and have neglected my journal. Merry christmas to all in this year 2007. Soon we shall see another year . My hope is that 2008 will be the best year of our lives.

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1:01:35 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet

 

My husband and I met at 15 and he was 18. We dated 3 years and then got married. We were together for 23 years and in most of this time he cheated on me. The last time he cheated was when our son was in his last year of high school. I was fed up and asked him to leave. He was a habitual cheater and he has never stopped even until this very day. After we split up he met another woman and has been with her the last 16 years and he has cheated on her the entire time as well. just last week I found out that he left her for still anther woman and moved her in his house. He will not even return the calls of the woman he has spent the last 16 years with. I am so glad I got out when I did. I gave him more than half my life and have nothing but " shattered dreams" to show for it!! I have a journal on aol that tells about all the years of this nightmare. I have placed the web address here before and it helped some. It was difficult to write this journal and I started it in May 2004 and this was 14 years after the marriage disolved . I wrote it all down and each time I start thinking I should have tried harder I go back and read this journal and it speaks to me again of the terrible act of infidelity. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to ever live like that again. You have to hit the archives button and go back to May 2004 and this is the beginning. You will then see that I am somewhat of an expert on what this can do to a persons life. God bless you all here.
Sheila- blondelexus

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5:41:09 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

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4:06:17 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

Broken vow by Josh Groban. This was written by the wonderful Lara Fabian and her version is in the post below. Ths is my favorite song in this world. I hope you love it!!! I think I am one of the most sentimental people in the world. I have such a feeling for music that has a deep message. I live my life alone with just my baby dogs to give me comfort, and yet I find peace and contentment in songs such as this. I am really happy. I wonder how I can say these words with all the turmoil that is in my life. Somehow God has helped me to find love and peace in music and friends. I am grateful for any pleasures in life, regardless of the smallness of them all!!! I have suffered so much in all these years, and yet, I am a survivor. Thanks be to God for his mercies.

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5:04:09 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

 This girl is the best singer I have ever heard in my life. She is european and she is a female Josh Groban. I can tell ya she is fantastic. I somehow discovered her just recently and I am in love with her voice and her style. Not only does she sing amazingly but her expressions and her performance are what makes her different. This is a great song. Please take a listen.She is about to make her American debut and this is just a sneak preview of her awesome talent.

 

The song is called " The last goodbye- The lyrics are below.

 

 The Last Goodbye"

We can run away together
If that's what you want
We can hide away forever
If that's what you want

So just
Close the door
Let nobody else in our head
Close the door
We can lay right here in our bed

'Cause anything else is wasting time
You're all I've wanted
All of my life
Just let me grow old
Here by your side
Until the end of time
Till the last goodbye

Let's just live here in the moment
Sharing something real
Let's not spend these hours talking
Just give me something I can feel

Baby come on
Close to me
Let no ray of light in between
Close to me
We don't know where I end and you begin

'Cause anything else is wasting time
You're all I've wanted
All of my life
Just let me grow old
Here by your side
Until the end of time
Till the last goodbye

Let's shut the world out
See a chance and let's take it
Seize all the moments
And baby let's make it out
And we'll work it out somehow
I believe in here and now

('Cause anything else is wasting time)
You're all I've wanted
All of my life
Just let me grow old
Here by your side
Until the end of time
Till the last goodbye
(Till the last goodbye)
(You're all I've wanted) You're all I've wanted
(All of my life) All of my life
(Just let me grow old) Let me grow old
(Here by your side) Here by your side
(Until the end of time)
Till theend of
Till the end of
Till the end of
Till the end of time
Till the last goodbye

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10:27:13 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet

 This is the most beautiful song. It was written and performed here by Lara Fabian. I love this song so much. The words are below.

 

Tell me her name
I want to know
The way she looks
And where you go
I need to see her face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time


I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Written by Lara Fabian

 

 

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2:04:02 AM EDT
Feeling Hopeful

 

I just went back and read the old entries of my journal. What pain in those times. It seems pain has been a big part of my life. Still, I have hope. Thank God. I counted all my blessings tonight as I thought of where I have came back from. Acceptance is a hard thing for me!! I dwell on things I have no control over. I want to try and change this!! The time is now. We are not promised another moment. Time here is so short. It is time to try and make a change. My thoughts for so long have been that I was unlovable. I thought it had to be this way since both my relationships failed. I am believing I can have another chance. Why not???? For so long I didn't want to try again. Recently I feel I want someone to love me again and share with. I have asked God to lead that person to me. I certainly can't pick the person. My decisions have been wrong both times. God knows if there is someone for me. He knows how to make it all happen. If it doesn't happen, I will be content with the blessings I have. They are many as I reflect tonight on my life. I have love. I have friends. I have my wonderful mother. I have my little baby dogs. They are my world. I have never had such love as they each give to me. I am so grateful for this blessing. My life from this point is going to be spent believing that I can have all the happiness I need in this life.

I have found recently that a positive attitude means a lot. I think this is the " secret" that has become so popular. It just has a new name. It was there all along. Take the cards we are dealth and make the most of them.  Believe in yourself with all of your imperfections. I can't allow others any longer to allow me to think of myself as unlovable. The faults and mistakes of others that have been a part of my life has caused me a lot of pain. Even the pain I have had is a part of my life that has been a learning experience. It has taught me to love myself and believe that the mistakes and faults of others are not mine, but their's. My mistakes are mine and I take responsibility for them. I will no longer accept others mistakes as a reflection of the person I am!!

Tommorrow is another day. May it be the start of a better life for me.

 

 

 

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1:33:07 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet

 

Yesterday was your birthday Myra. It did not go unremembered by those of us that loved you. We miss you so much. I can still see your beautiful face and hear the sound of your little  sweet " giggles". I think of you so often and our family will never be the same without you my precious girl. You have missed so many things here that we think of today. The growing up of your children and all the joys they would have brought to your life. I know you are in a better place than here, this is what we hang on to as we try to live without you.

I still see you as the little girl that mama brought to my house all those times as you were growing up. Those memories are stored in my mind for as long as I live. I see you as the great animal lover you were. You would be so surprised to see that your  sissy" has become one as well. You would love my little babies so much. I am so sad you never got to meet them. They would have loved you so much.

Mama will never be the same without her baby. She misses you beyond words. We have so many happy memories of our short time together. We will be together again someday. I know you are with mawma and pawpa and you are waiting for us. There will come a day that we will never have to part again. I am so sad that this life was so hard for you. I would have done anything to have have eased your pain. I loved you so much. I believe you know this now.

I wish you could see your beautiful children. Jeremy is almost a grown man and Katie is so beautiful and growing up so fast. There are a lot of reasons that I can't be a part of their lives, but I will always love them all the same.

Happy Birthday my angel. I love you and I miss you.

Sissy

PS;    I feel you here with me each day. I feel you are watching over me , I feel someway you know Jeremy and Katie are ok and well. I miss you little " sissy" my baby girl. We are less without you my darling. My Heidi, Haley and Bailey would have loved you so much. You are so missed. You will never be forgotten. You were so beautiful. You will forever be young and beautful to me. Many things have been said about you that are untrue. We don't care what has been said, we know the beautiful and special girl you were!! A wonderful mother, daughter and sister. Our memories of you are of nothing but glorious. We long for the day of reunion. Until then my precious little girl you enjoy the happiness of your present life. We will meet you again at another time. I love you my " sissy".

Love always and forever,

Sissy 

 

 

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1:17:15 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

 

Sunday again!!! It seems this is the day I want to post in my journal. I love my weekends spent with my bichons. I need to get out more but nothing is as fun as being with these little loves. They are so funny.

Recently I have started thinking about making some real changes in my life. The past has haunted me long enough. I have talked about the horrors for so many years. The ups and downs still face me daily, it seems. Still I have to believe there is still that one last adventure waiting for me!! There are a lot of things about myself that I have never posted here. Things that are still too painful to put on these pages. I hope someday I can place them here. The reason I mention this is for this reason. I was influenced to do things that caused a lot of damage to my life. Nothing criminal, but things that permanently caused me even as much pain as the adultry issues. I look back and realize it was from the boredom of life that I made these choices. I am establishing a new way of life now and it is so much better. I stay home a lot at this time, but I think I needed this time to reflect on a lot that needed mended about myself. The past is written in stone and it can never be changed. The thing that can be changed is what we do with what we have learned. I am learning to love myself again.

Recently I have prayed to God to give me back my belief in myself. My self esteem has been so damaged in so many ways. By others, and then by myself. God is indeed helping me with this challenge. I am feeling that I can turn my life around again. I am not depending on a person to do this for me. I am depending on God's love and my determination to make my life whole again. I am not saying that I would not love to have someone in my life, I would. It has to be a person that finds me. This is the way it has to be!!! My choices have not been the right ones. If this happens, I think I will know it!!! I am content this Sunday afternoon to know that I have the love of God in my heart. I am blessed to have a nice home to live in. I am blessed to have a job to take care of myself. I am counting my blessings, I guess you could say.

I am a person that never gives up! I have always thought of myself as weak. I don't take bad things in life very well. I don't recover as well as others. I take things to heart to the max. This is a fault I have always had all of my life. I have to work on this all the time. Life is ever twisting and turning in all sorts of ways. We never know from one minute to the next what will be happening. Knowing this fact has always scared me so much. This is where I am finding that " true trust comes in". Perhaps I am stronger than I thought. I really think it is the inner strength that is called " survival". It kicks in at the lowest times of our lives to save us from utter destruction. I look back at all that has happened to me in the last 17 years and I wonder how I made it to write this post!!! Somehow we have to keep trying, for if we don't, we end up in a big heap as worthless garbage.

The other night I was crying and having one of my bad days. I was talking to myself and I said these words. " Dear God, why was I born to end up losing my family and being alone . Why did I have to meet another man that caused me unbearable pain as well. These are the only two relationships of my life. I was asking God these questions and then I stopped all of a sudden as if a bolt of lightening came right past me. I was quite for a minute and a thought came into my head that was so simple, and yet so profound to me. I heard the words so clearly. These were the words I heard, not literally heard, the words just came in my mind. I heard this" the reason you were born is for me". I sat there and I had such a peace. I was born because God wanted me to be his. I would never have believed that such simple words could impact me so. I stopped crying and I really felt a glow of love and peace.

 

I am blessed today in spite of it all!!! I count the blessings in this life, and they are many. " My Tara" is a peaceful place today. I will not think about anything that will bring me pain today. I may think about it again in another tommorrow, but not today.

 

 

Lord, when my soul is weary
and my heart is tired and sore,
and I have that failing feeling
that I can’t take any more;
then let me know the freshening
found in simple, childlike prayer,
when the kneeling soul knows surely
that a listening Lord is there.

 

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