What I think, IF, anyone cares.

5:59:22 AM EDT
Feeling Determined
Hearing The Beatles

I'm actually annoyed, and displaced. My computer has been acting up for days and so has my life. I find myself getting pissed off and plagued by other peoples Children.

        I try to get the house in order, and then all these kids come in, and ruin  it. It's my own fault, cuz I said they could stay over! It is my FIRM beliefe, that I need some QUIET time to  myself!! My own kids are raucous ENOUGH!

        Alan pulled a wild one! The man went to work , yesterday for 4 O'Clock in the morning, and worked till 7:30 P.M>! He then decides to go and pick up new lunch boxes for the Girls and walk up here to Dunmore, AFTER work, at 9:30 P.M., to deliver them??!!!! He says he's dieing and he'll be worth 100 thousand , soon.50 for me, and 25 , each Child.LOVERLY!

         I don't deal well with disorganization! The house is a mess:( As soon as the nibblettes are gone, I intend to spot clean like the wind.

           Also- for the past week, I have had nightmares like no ones buisness! I'm up by 4ish in the A.M., and T-R-Y, to get on the pewter to ease my nerves. THIS- gives me more stress, 'cuz the pewter is going whacky.

         As you can plainly see, I'm being a brat. I watch these comercials and movies about two people so in love and support, and I'm sik and tired of NOT being one of them. If I had a bit of support, perhaps I wouldn't find the need to enduce these spells of misery?!!

          Since it's going to be cooler, today, I think I'll mow the grass in the yard. It seems to be a thing in Dunmore, where all the neighbors have a contest to see , WHOM, can keep their lawns the best. It hurts my back, terribly, when I do it, so , I don't seem to be on the top of the list. Big, friggin' DEAL! I find I do wonderfully for a person of ONE!

       I think I'll pick up, later, for the brood of kids are about to arrise.

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5:05:52 AM EDT
Feeling Enthralled
Hearing Dreams,'Stevie Nicks

              I was a street urchin, type 19 year old{although I was 44!} I was dressed in Goth-like attire, with my hair parted on the side, as when I was younger, with the right side clipped back in a barret. My nails were just long enough to scratch the eyes out of a cat, painted black.My stockings were ripped periodically, and my skirt was short, beneath a semi long , dirty trench coat.

            I walked aimlessly amid the rain stained streets, looking for a party at my Dads' old house. As I came upon the old 509 Monroe Ave building, I was invited inside by two, strikingly handsome, boyish, babyskinned 20 year old , young men, and introduced to some of their friends. Some were other boys and some were other youngish girls, all , famously clad in designer clothing, eccept the boys were Goth rogues, as was I.

            I explained, how it used to be my Fathers' house, and that I hadn't been in it for YEARS! "Well, little one{ I was thin as back then}, allow us to give you the Grand tour."

            We toured each floor, one by one, drinking a bit as we proceeded. The one boy and I , hit it off marvelously, as the other kept his head together, watching me closely, as if he were the overseer.

         Before reaching the TOP floor, we decided to go down to the bottom floor, where and icecream appeared and the two young girls waited on customers. As I was served, the long haired girl said, she'll need something to wear! As she disappeared into the back, soon she would return with, lovely yet Gothlike silken attire. As I picked them up, I found a string of rainbow condoms, tucked at the bottom of the pile."She NEEDS these!", she mandated and brushed the hair out of my eyes with her soft, manacured hand.

           Sitting on the stool next to the counter was my dream boy, his hairless chest undisclosed and bare, his trench coat agape, shining in the parlor lights. He bid me to come closer, and , NOT affraid, I did. His eyes drank me in, as he reached beneath my skirt and began to fondle my genetailia. I replied by gently scratching my Goth nails down his glistening chest, sending him into rapturous vibrations!

               The time had arrived to show me the Friedmans apartment, located on the top floor of my Daddys' house. The last room, was where I was led, and upon entering, the other smoothe boy, began to secure the doors with heavy wire, so as NOT to ALLOW ANY entry! As the doors closed, I noticed revolving portions, eye level, that when were spun, it was looking glasses , one would find atop a scenic bldg.! The Beautiful boy and I, whose eyes drank me in, were about to engage in THE, MOST gentle barrage of foreplay, I'd ever imagined. Gentle kissing, {I was NOT to touch his member} as he kissed me deeply, and shudderd as I would run my Goth nails down his back and torso. Teddy bears and feathers were used to play, so innocently and alluring. His eyes, oceanic blue and gentle, ravaged my heart, and no matter whom was watching, we were safe inside, playing silly, loving games, just like children in LOVE! He would envelope me into his bare , strong arms ,run his tongue down my neck and nipples, saying,' I taste if innocense.' The condoms, were used as blow up balloons, when suddenly, the portals were closed, and he FINALLY allowed me to attend him, as he penetrated me into nirvana.

              I told him I was REALLY 44. He said he knew, but I had a childs heart, and one could see it, if only one looked. At the end of our harmonious orchestration, he helped me to dress Goth, and led me to feed me Icecream, giving me a new , yet beat up pair of trench boots. He burned a heart into the side of one, stating, "IF anyone ever tries to hurt you, KICK THEM with THIS foot, and I shall be your strength!" "You know I'm such a fool for you, do you have to let it linger," is playing, as I wrap up this exotic dream for "What I think/DREAM, IF- anyone Cares."

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10:57:01 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing "Fallin' in and out a LOVE with you"

So much has been , transpiring in my life, these days. Yesterday, my Girls, were in track and field, within their School. I've NEVER missed one of 'em. However, for The For the first time....Alan , also participated. These days, I am on High Blood Pressure medication. I took what I had, but was short of TWO of the pills. After two hours, I began feeling light headed and that I needed to fall asleep??!!!

             I told Alan, I HAD, to go home and go and get the missing meds. He, agreed to remain, and asked if I required a help, HOME. I said, "NOPE, I'm in GODS' hands, I just need to care for this, meself. All became well, I obtained my meds, and nibbled a bit, and , THEN, fell fast asleep, for an hour or two.

         Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! , The Girls did quite well, and were exstatic, that their Daddy, finally showed to a point in their lives. I was Pleased as punch, when he said THANKS, for including him??!!!!

             I am seeing another man, these days. Sit DOWN 4 this one...he's friends with Alan, from long ago. Now, there isn't sex betixed this man and i, but, he is gentle and adoring of all THREE of us lil' women. He's , also, bestqwed an operable VCR, for us to use. THE FIRST movies , the babes brought out to view, were those of their /our earlier years, INCLUDING , Alan and Christmas/Easter /ETC>! I do NOT mind saying, it tore me innards OUT! Bobby, my companion, was enthraulled with them??!!! I asked , IF- this irked him at all?! He said, "Nope, it just shows whom you REALLY are. "No wonder your Children are the way they ARE!" I , MUST agree with him, it shows their roots.

           Summer is upon us, quickly. School, is at it's end, fairly quickly. I Thank GOD, I have LEARNED , how to take the time to be Blessed, with a Sound , Summer activity based schedule , for the Girls to be surrounded with. They WILL be attending CAMP, strewn from The Y.M.C.A.! As a matter of fact, Megans' Birthday Party,will go off, THIS Saturday, and The LORD has provided all we require, for NO hitches:)- It would appear, that Bobbie and Alan, will be the barbiquers. { Holy  Merde'}

            I'm NOT, very settled with this !  Fact of the matter, IS- I am STILL In LOVE , with my husband, despite all that was done to us??!!!! YES- call me a lunatic, BUT- I would NOT have said "I DO," if I weren't in it . for the LONG HAUL!!  I'm still pinching meself, that Bobbie isn't pressuring me for SEX!  FER REAL, for real, I have a head ache.LOL

            I require some sleep, afore tomorrow, BUT- I had to spill, This evening. I, shall allert you to the proceedings, at a later date. PROMISE!

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2:19:08 AM EDT
Feeling Loopy
Hearing "Stone Temple Pilots."

I , reside SO , CLOSE to my Family, that has transpired! The factual MATTER, that exists, IS- I'm the only one , whom visits them??!!!!  The weirder FACT, IS, I was the Black sheep , of the volume!

                I've met a FAMILY , or three , in me day, NONE of them, have been as FAR , fetched as mine. FUCK- I'm a borrowed particle. OH! Please, don't git me wrong, I'm BLOOD LINE!   'Cept, I was hatched and , then BOUGHT! There is only ONE, True connect! Her name is Gail. She IS , The ONLY one, whom claimed me as a part of the Family, that should be SHOT, afore they  multiply further!

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12:20:54 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing "Peter gabriel," 'Your Eyes.'

   I , sincerely, ACHE, from head to toe!

This makes little to NO SENSE! Permit me to be more precise. I have made , Glorious progress, on the yard, AND, the Spring cleaning , thingy! { most likely , is WHY I'm so , darn sore, LOL} My life , is generating in a fantastic direction, CHILDREN included. I am loved and appreciated by the plants , aminals and kindred folk, ETC.! So , what is my fuckin' problem?!!

            Peoples, I have been Blessed with , fantastic muzik, played  just 4 me!!!!!!!!!!!!   Still, I am allowing myself to be plagued with this depressed frame of mind, that is taking it's toll, on me body? My heart is OVERFLOWING with Great wishes to share the wealth, BUT- I chose to isolate, for as I don't wish to infect anyone with my disintigration.

        OUTSIDE, is , Sunny and warming into the low 70s'. The bird feeder is filled  with seed, and surrounded with Grateful Tweeeters:):). Yet , again, I turned the radio , OFF, simoly to speak with, as well as to LISTEN to their songs of LOVE.

          Ya'll, KNOW, I'm not wealthy, $$ wise. But I tell you from my heart, 'Trump,' ain't got squat on me . LOL!!  The other night, I had bill money , put aside, BUT- I scamped on a bit of it, for St. Anthonys' , put on their annual, Spring carnival. It costs $12.00 per child, to get a bracelette, which gets then on any ride they wish to go on. Let us say, they had a BLAST! The LORD , provided me , to give them a memory to last them a LIFE time!  Poor Ashley, got sick on the one ride, but, never the less, the whole gala was priceless to her!

                I must take a slight break, but- I WILL continue in THIS sbject, in a few:)...

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11:08:27 AM EDT
Feeling Surprised
Hearing "Never Tear Us Appart."

Did ya ever believe, ya hit your toe, off of something, and, MOST UNDOUBTEDLY, it was going to HURT?

            And , then , RIGHT afore you said, "OUCH," you realise it didn't hurt at all??????????????  SOOOOoooooo, you giggled . And realized, it didn't hurt a bit??!!!!

WHAT A TRIPP.

          tHE DAYS OF MY LIFE , HAVE BEEN GROWING, STRANGER, EACH AND EVERYONE OF 'EM!  awe fuck it, i hit the wrong key. {{OR DID I??}}

         "Don't you know, you are a shooting a star," is on, NOW! Two friends, I have thought of , deeply, for MANY years, J-U-S-T crossed me path! 

          I HAD to enscribe this afore I went to plat in the yard !!  Yesterday, my Old amd KIND friemd, , was placed at the checkpout counter , directly , ahead of me! As she turned to leave, she struck my eyes' ,l and said ," Don't I know you?" I responded, quietly, "YES, just give ne a sec, and we can speak."  I NEEDED that break to TRY to muddle through  what i was going to say to her.

          THIS PERSON, was KT!  I have her artwork, hung, throughout my housES, from day #1!

         NEXT, I'm toying with me My Space, and another , old Friend , broke the ice and left me a send??!!!!   {do i have to say much more, here?} What, in GODS' name, is going ON? I shall tell you , IF or when, Tazra returns my response.

         I , FEEL, it's a GREAT time to putter in the garden! Weather is GREAT, and so are me nerves. N-O-T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL   Love ya-

          

 

      

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9:24:32 PM EDT
Feeling Surprised
Hearing "U2", 'Vertigo.'

   "Lil Bit," Dayna Feola, Finally called me.

                  THIS woman, , I met, whence I HAD to reside in, { what I CHOSE to call, 'Shea Lackawanna,'} It's the county jail.    I had the  oportunity, to usher her 18th Birthday, in with her, whilst in h-e-l-l?!!  We, became kind friends. { do NOT get stupid!!}  My husband, decided , NOT TO send me finances, to buy coffiee/stamps/ ETC>! SOOOOOoooooooo, she helped me, as best she could, as i drew envelopes for the other inmates, so as to raise neccessities.

         She allowed the deevil to take her down, again, after she got out, and left us, for 11 months:(  SHE'S BAAAAAAAAAAAACK:). Her mind, is REaligned, and she sought the Girls and I.

         I, am THRILLED...for I have a sound stauture , in order , for her to draw from. I am , SO proud of her! her parental units, are plagued with addictions and lunacy. THIS TIME, she's VIGILANT, to pull HERSELF, up by the bootstraps MAKE IT!    Personally, I am reaching a space, where I can HELP her 'Break The monsters BACK!'

          Basicaly, it's in GODS' Hands! However, since I AM progressing...there's a chance I actually CAN , be of assist??!!! 

         It was a TOTAL thrill, to speak with my Friend, Again! We have Plans, and dreams , filled with HOPES!

          Without this BOOK of ours, I'd become STUCK:(. It is THE- Ultimate Blessing, in which to share and inner-most thoughts, without bugging everyone, and paying for it, as well.  Peace be unto...

              

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11:58:47 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing "Rolling Stones."

Where to begin, escapes me!  SOOOOoooooo, I'll simply begin.

     ""Here Comes your nineteenth,nervous Breakdown."" I've known this Dude, for , quite some time. His name is , 'Bob.'  He'sa VERY , gentle man, and his bank account is even MORE gentle. LOL- Yet, he is a hard woerker, and a NON violent soul, whom whould give ya the shirt from his back, if ya needed!

          I've been introduced too his Mom and Dad, ''family,'''as well. They seem to find me, {O.K.}.

         Last Sunday, the Girls and I, invited him to Church, with us. He, accepted, whilst , ALMOST breaking out in a rash of nerves??!!!   None the less, he WENT!  He was welcomed like he was a saint, and he , actually dug it!!

           He, even HEARD a soulfelt message, he secludedly required to HEAR! He wishes to be INCLUDED , this coming Sunday??!!!

           His parents, are quite taken by the Girls and myself, as well.

        HERE- I-S, the wrench! I find him, delightful. HowEVER- I am STILL married.  And , at this point in my life, I can't , EVEN ponder a sexual partnership! At 44 yrs. old, I'm not even frisky, these days. I feel like I am slighting him, even tho he is NOT pressing for it??!!! What the plop is wrong with me??

            It, MAY BE, that , I have contracted High Blood Preassure,ovarian cancer and an Anurism in me brain??!!!

         Thank you. I , simply HAD to git this OUT. I, shall continue to orchestrate the facts, more prominently. at a later date. At this time, I'm exhausted. Peace...

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11:26:01 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing 102.3 F.M. "The Blues."

  Don't know, exactly, where to begin??!!!  The last 9 days, I contracted head-Aches, like I've NEVER , encountered , afore!

           My Friend, suggested, I have me blood pressure taken. {so i did}. 175/118!!!!!!!!  Holy Hobinieros. I sound like my Daddy. I, was , also, given a mind scan! Looks like, I , also, have anurisms?!! Must be all them damn drugs, I ingested. For MOST of my , existance, I figured, I was INdestructable. Silly me...

            Funny part of it, IS- for the FIRST TIME, in my life, I have EVERYTHING to LIVE 4!! I 'spose , 'Mother Nature,' has a Dandy sense of humor.

           WHY, am I sharing this, with you? BECAUSE- I'm hoping, before you get all , caught up in stupdity, Ya GOTSTA realise, N-O-N-E of us, REALLY know the cool stuff, that awaits us, in our futures! Yeah, SURE- there seems like , Ya'll have NOTHING to LIVE for, as ya grow UP??!!!  PLEASE, don't git fooled! NONE OF US, are aware of the nifty stuff, that lies, ahead!

           P-E-A-C-E...

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5:49:01 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing "Fleetwood Mac"

          There came, a time in my existance, where I was SnowBalled, with these observations, that threw me 4 a LOOP!  It's 4:50 A.M., and , since I chose to go to bed, Early, Mind kicked into OVER Drive, and I ,R-A-N, to me pooter!  Pardon. I detest IRAN!! Let's Git-R-Done , THIS way. I, LEPT, to me computer.

                 For REAL, fer real, I SHOULD be SOUND, asleep! But...

          IF- ANYone thinks , for a moment, that, there isn't a GOD/JESUS/HOLY SPIRIT- Yer foolish! There have NEVER { that's pig wash } been MORE, Sound P-R-O-O-F, that JESUS exists! Steming back to me begining pages , I'm STILL kickin'! I, SHOULD have been Squashed, LONG , ago.

            Due, To, the internet, {{ which, at ONE point, I threw daggers at}} , I have made Friends, that ARE, substantial, and LIFE giving. 'THEY,'- wouldn't KNOW me, IF we fell over one another! STILL- this CRAZY communicative device, has, Actually, placed me in the Graces, of perhaps, 11 People. For , some STRANGE reason, I enhance their inner Qualities, as well.

            Isn't it ODD, that one has better ability, to address, topics, 'WHEN' one does NOT need do it ;"Face 2 face??!!!" 'GO' figure??!!!

                        REPORT CARDS- arrived. PLOP OFF- Yeah, I just realized, I had logged THIS, afore. me Babes, pulled 'em UP<3{that is a throbbing heart ,<3}

            I, NEED to say, something. In the days I did the drug thingy, 'Twas ONLY- by , "JESUS " Grace, i was allowed to keep them as me Daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THESE days, I am STILL, Searching for , substantial REASON. For, TODAY- it's frequenting, on UTTER amasement, as HOW' I continue togo forward??!!!

                 

              Yesterday, I tended to the front of 'OUR HOUSE!' Me back , was in, EXCRUSHIATING pain! STILL , I kempt UP, and "Got-R-Done!"      I , AM- feeling the pangs!

         Please- - I /We, reside, in a Rural area, where-EVERYONE has 'OODLES,' of $$ ! I, have observed, that MOST, write a check/card, "Personally, I do me OWN,"in which to have their yards, prepared, for The Spring, that wishes to Actualy ARRIVE.   YET- with VERY , little $$, but a Heart that BEATS, like a Faeries wings in Flight, I , Also, have noticed, 1 OR 2 , become jealous of me progress??!!! "WHAT, a tripp"

                    IF, I M-A-Y, it's QUITE absurb, BUT, I, C-H-O-O-S-E, to speak with GOD! Funky, THO... The MOST, comfortable Place , in which to do SO, 4 me, seems to be in the Bathroom! Please , allow me to explain. During me drug years:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(, THAT- is where I should have deceased!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i SHOT more STUPID STUFF, in the throws of the bathroom! When I say 'shot,' I , mean, into me veins! 'From little -Ville, I detested to HAVE to get a needle??! To be Honest with Ya- the way i looked at life, had NOTHING to do with JESUS!

              As well as you, IF, it weren't for JESUS, whom put up with a LOT , I'd have 'NO," redemption! Fucking, TELL ME, Ya'll never frigged UP, 'ROYALY??!!!' THIS MAN, was RAILED!

      There was this sermon, in Our Church, where , we were given, the nails, ETC.- so that we may SERIOUSLY , contemplate, what JESUS, gave for us! "When they asked me to place the 'STAKE,' ...I 'WEPT,' and reclaimed my seat , in the pews. FINALLY, Realising, how much of a bonehead, i AM!

             I, am Blessed with, a Super-Natural provsion, I {AM} aware of the ability to F-E-E-L, S-E-E, things, that TOO many , forget to ENvision. THE, first time, I was Shown this Grace, was-when I was home from a 'Boarding School,' I was panned off to. {PLEASE- don't get me wrong } I stepped into a World, I had NO, Idea, existed. However, since they mailed me, I chose to LEARN, how to smoke??!!!  YET- as I returned HOME, for a spell, I desired a cigarrette.  SOOOOOoooo, I decided to light up, in me Closet. 'A' Resound FEELING, came upon me, {PUT IT OUT}, still, I cast the FEELING??!!! 

               SILLY ME!

I, was BUSTED!

                  Marilyn, smoked, from the time she became conscience, 'till she couldn't hold her eyes, OPEN! WISH to Know something? For '2' L-O-N-G, I attempted to KILL her! I, could NOT stand her. HOWEVER, due to her passing, from Cancer,,I find myself, REALISING, that the Woman , was in GREAT, Mental pangs!

        'IF,' I was Charles Gerchov, and I cast my gaze, { and she said 'YES.'} I'd have been "DIE HARD," in adoring her, as well! OH- by the way, "Charles Philip Gerchov, " IS, my Daddy! He has passed ON. BUT- I am , and ALWAYS WILL BE, his little Girl.

              Marilyn- we were TOTALY , opposite.

   I, believe, I have conveyed, ENOUGH, at this time!

                  Each, and EVERY day, MORE is UNfolded toward us! It's ALL, on how one LOOKS at it!

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