My *Evil* Ways....

12:51:47 PM EDT

I know that I have been MIA for a while.  Just self absorbed right now..lol  I am trying to get my life somewhat straightened out.  I really am doing well, and feel like everything is falling into place.  I am happy.  I am dating someone and "HE" (yes its a man) is someone very special to me.  He is 9 years younger than me (woo hoo, bonus..lol ) but we balance each other out.  He makes me feel young and we laugh our asses off every single day!!! OMG we laugh until we cry...He says I keep him on the straight and narrow in life.  Life is good now. 

My family and friends are still not excepting to me dating, but they don't and haven't lived my life for the last 6 years and have no clue what went on.  I love Donna and always will, but life is short.  (i learned that with her death at a young age of 49) and I want to be happy.  This man walked into my life and it was something special from the moment we met.  I love spending time with someone who makes me happy and to me....NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!!!. 

I got a tattoo with Donna's initials and the date of her death (8-1-08) on my ankle.  I love it.... It has some tribal designs next to it.. Came out perfect... (best i can do with the picture right now) 

I see everyone is moving their journals.  I don't know if I will be creating a new one, but I will decide and let you know before the end of the month...

Evil

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12:42:01 PM EDT
Feeling Irritated

Oh I was just wondering if I had "PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINION" written across my forehead or something!!!  Why do people feel the need to give me advice when I DON'T EVEN ASK FOR IT.  Lately everyone seems like its okay to TELL ME how I should be living my life.  No one has lived in my shoes for the past year living with an ILL person.  No one has a clue as to what I did in 1 day to keep a roof over our head, stay healthy enough to cook, clean, keep over the kids and take care of my partner while she suffered daily with her illness.  Because I didn't deal with the death of Donna like constantly crying, sleep the days away, loose tons of weight or gain tons of weight, they think I am not in *morning* for her.  I don't have to explain myself to these people (most of them family and friends). 

I know that NOTHING I do will bring her back and she wouldn't want me to be anything other than happy.   I moved on with my life and they just can't seem to accept it.  I am happy & in a good place, but they seem to tell me any chance they get that what I am doing is NOT RIGHT.  (i met someone)....Well to all my family and friends (non of you j-landers) go screw yourselves!!!  Unless you want to pay all my bills and take care of my kids THEN you can control my life, but since I DO NOT SEE THAT HAPPENING.... keep your opinions to yourself....

Evil

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12:21:07 PM EDT

Hey Everyone, I just wanted to let you know that I am doing so much better.  Taking time for myself and going out and having some fun.  After a year of taking care of Donna I realized that I lost myself.  Oh the whole "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH" is true.  I accepted that Donna got sick and that was our life.  No regrets!! I loved her unconditionally!!!  Now its time for me to rebuild my life and the lives of my children.  They/we still miss her terribly, but just knowing that she isn't suffering anymore, makes it more bareable.  

I have been so busy at work, have longer hours too.  I hate that!!! I work at the deli on Saturdays too.  Work about 58 hours a week.  Then the gym 4-5x a week after work.  Did I say I go out and have fun??? LOL

Now onto the weight front.  I am a Weight Watchers Drop-Out...!!!! LOL I haven't been eating right- Well problem was, I wasn't EATING AT ALL... I dropped 10 lbs the week she died and then gained 7 back, but now that I am in the process of getting my life back I have committed myself to eating healthy & exercising.  I am going to the gym and only eating healthy foods.  I feel SO MUCH BETTER & don't ever want to go back to that unhealthy lifestyle again.  I finally have found what works and it takes HARD WORK AND COMMITTMENT!!!

I weight 138.7 lbs as of today, I have lost 42.8 lb.  I actually DO NOT care how much I weigh anymore.  I am really into lifting weights, I have dropped from 38.5% body fat to 32.5% in 3 months.  (i get checked again in 1 week).  I can't believe how much different my body looks with doing cardio and having a trainer.  I am totally committed to this lifestyle & what makes it easier is my daughters eat the same way I do. Healthy!!.  Yes they eat junk once in a while, they are teenagers, and YES... TOM is an issue with chocolate with ME... but that is just a few days.  I can burn it off no problem now.  Basically if you eat right 99% of the time and get your exercise in 99% of the time, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!

XOXO EVIL

***THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THEIR COMMENTS AND CARDS.  MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!!!

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8:18:12 AM EDT Today is a bad day.  Actually started last night.  I am not talking food.  Should be more the lack of food i am eating.  Not eating!! My head is just spinning with Donna and all the emotions i am feeling.  Was getting chest pains last night (from stress) then at 1am when i STILL wasn't sleeping, I took a pill to help my head stop thinking and thinking and thinking.  I finally fell asleep by 1:20 and alarm went off at 4am.  Working on less than 3 hours sleep, plus I have the trainer tonight (will have to force food in my so i can get through that session with him!!).  Going through so many different emotions and feel like i should be feeling more sad, but i am not.  I feel relieved actually.  I had a rough year taking care of her, constantly worrying about her, cooking for her and then working 2 jobs, the kids, house....EVERYTHING.  I just want ME time and that is the part i feel guilty about.  That it should be like that.  I guess time will heal, right???  so just taking it one day at a time...

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12:12:10 PM EDT

<IMG alt="Picture2061.jpg image by ecco69" src="http://s75.photobucket.com/albums/i281/ecco69/th_Picture2061.jpg" ?>  I always thought I was a strong person.  I'm not... I am going through so many different emotions that it is hard for me to make sense of it all.  I feel happy, sad, guilty, lonely, free, scared, stressed.  Its so hard.  I don't understand.  There is a part of me that if I don't think about it, then it won't hurt.  I am still waiting for the bomb to drop.  Every day I feel something different.  Last week I was so stressed out about my financial situation.  How do I go from 2 incomes to 1.... and try to keep me and my girls in the house.  How do I pay the bills on one income.  You can only shave so much off of things, cut back on expenses....  I am lucky to have parents who are there for me....a brother/boss (who I bitched about on more than one occasion!!!!!!!) who has shown me a side of him that I never saw before.  He has stepped up to the plate and is helping me make ends meet.  (I guess he isn't the greedy/rich bastard I always thought he was!!! lol)

I am sorry for not stopping by and reading everyones journals.  Each day/week for me is a new challenge.  This week I am just not into anything.  I haven't called anyone or spoken to anyone.  Just in my own head.  You ladies know who you are and I am sorry, just want to get lost in my jobs and go to the gym. I really DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING..... My MIL (donna's mom) is here for the week and probably leaving sunday.  Just spend time with her at night and talk about all different things and about Donna and life and try to figure out where we go from here..... Is there really any place to go????

Christina

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9:11:55 PM EDT

I don't know what is going on... first Donna is taken from my life way to soon.  Yesterday my water heater decides it no longer wants to work....$2000.00 later.  Then today i get my monthly mortgage bill and its now $81.51 more a month... i went from  2 incomes to ONE....I am trying to figure out how the hell I am going to make ends meet, but how am i going to do that if sh*t keeps happening..... 

I have decided that the car has got to go.  Its only a car.  I waited 43 years to get the car i wanted and I loved it, but if you really look at it, its just metal with 4 wheels.  My kids are important and staying in our house is important.  The kind of car I drive ISN'T important to me anymore.  I learned that last Friday!!!!

Christina

 

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9:20:30 PM EDT
Feeling Sad

Tomorrow will be 1 week.  The love of my life is gone.  NOT in my heart, but in my day to day life.  I truly don't know what to do.  I go back to work Monday morning.  She won't be here when I get home.  No more *fattening* foods to cook for her.  No more shots to give her, no one sleeping next to me...NO MORE NOTHING ... Her family has left and just my Mom is here.  I am enjoying the quiet, but gives me too much spare time to think.  She is always on my mind.  The good  & happy times, but today it seems I keep reliving that night, over and over in my head.  Did I do everything possible for her.  I can't stop picturing her in my mind as she laid next to me for the last time.  I wish I would have known........

I know in my heart that she is now completely healthy.  No more heart problems, no more Hepatitis C, no more being skin and bones.  She is with her Daddy and her Grandma.  Taking care of her 2 Great Neices, that never even had a chance here in this world. 

She died on our 6th Anniversary.  I know she feels sooooo bad about that, but that doesn't bother me. I look at our short time together as a blessing & feel truly special that I got to spend the last 6 years with someone who has made me happier than I have ever been in my entire life!!!

I LOVE AND MISS YOU DONNA MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!!!

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11:00:41 PM EDT

                                <IMG alt="Picture2061.jpg image by ecco69" src="http://s75.photobucket.com/albums/i281/ecco69/th_Picture2061.jpg" ?> 

This is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, Donna.  Yesterday August 1st, 2008 she passed away.  I love her and will miss her more than words can ever say.   

 

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11:08:31 AM EDT

As you know I am doing WW.  I switched to the Core plan (instead of counting points) because I was eating healthier and felt like I was doing nothing but weighing and measuring all day long.  I am totally loving the Core.  As long as you stick to the list of foods (all healthy) you can eat as much as you want to feel satisfied. 

Now the problem.  I AM STARVING!!!!  TOM is due any time now.  And since Monday, I feel SOOOO HUNGRY.  I absolutely refuse to go off program.  I will not cheat.  I ate today...

1 cup of cereal (dry) with 2 cups of coffee. 

1 bag of popcorn (big bag & the whole thing)

2 scrambled eggs with 2 slices of turkey.  

1 cup of melon

2 more cups of coffee

1 chicken thigh

1/4 cup of fat free yogart

(i been up and working since 4:15am and it is now 11 am)

After I eat, I still feel hungry.  It is probably TOM but hell..... someone send me some food....lol

ANY SUGGESTION on how I can feel satisfied???  I feel like I am thinking about nothing but food all week.

HELP!!!!!

 

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3:58:50 PM EDT

I am back from Florida.  Had a great time in the 100 degree heat & 100% humidity...lol.  I did a lot of swimming, exercise & took a couple of water aerobic classes.  That was a lot of fun.  I want to look into the local high school or YMCA to see about taking more classes.  It was a nice change from the gym.  I still am doing the CORE program from WW.  I love it.  No weighing or measuring.  Just healthy food choices.  I lost 1.8 lbs this week at my meeting.  (even though my home scale says I lost 2.5 this morning..lol)  I am happy.  I have lost a total of 35.2 lbs now... WOO HOO.  I see such differences in my body and the biggest is me in my bikini.  For the first time in a VERY LONG TIME.....I didn't feel like a beached whale in my bathing suit that everyone was staring at.  I do still have some to lose, but I am on my way. 

Be back tomorrow.....(4pm...and time to leave work.  Don't like staying a minute longer than i have too...lol)

Evil xoxo

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