Great Expectations: Kids, Work, Life

My first disappointment upon entering motherhood nearly a decade ago was that, after six weeks of natural childbirth class where I trained like an athlete to "breathe through the pain," I wound up having a C-section. Luckily, I was still able to enjoy 14 hours of excruciating agony before it became clear that this little girl wasn't in the least bit eager to leave the warmth of my womb. Still, some part of me felt that I had failed, or that my body had failed me. Hearing the feel-good experiences of some of my classmates made me want to commit mean-spirited acts of vengeance, though I did manage to smile and nod my head supportively.

I have felt inadequate many times since then. I look around at my friends' fastidious homes and I feel like a slob (well, okay, I kind of am one). I am also sometimes jealous of the wealth of my peers who never seem to have a problem affording luxuries like vacations and housecleaners and private school (although they still complain about a shortage of funds), while my financial life is a mess of debt.

Leslie Bennetts speaks to this pervasiveness of Mom Envy, the ugly shade of green that colors how we see ourselves by contrasting our "weaknesses" against the perceived superiority of other moms we know. Bennetts points out that women are most prone to envy other moms, directing feelings of inadequacy inward. Dads, meanwhile, tend to project their anxieties about their children's relative superiority onto the kids themselves.

Either way, it's damaging. The older I get and the longer I parent the more I realize that raising well-adjusted kids mostly hinges upon these free yet priceless pearls:

• Give your kids lots of kisses and hugs, even if they say "yuck" when you do.

• Possess an almost unnatural amount of patience (although I also firmly believe that those who manage to keep their temper under control all the time are weird and unhealthy). 

• I once asked a famous chef how she managed to raise three kids while working around the clock in her restaurant and she said, "When the mother's happy, so are the kids." I have repeated this mantra to myself many times over the years.

Further, the next time I feel envy toward a fellow mom, I'm going to remind myself of the following:

• Learn from those who have something to teach me. If that which I envy is shining a mirror on some facet of my personality or behavior that I'd like to change, then I'm going to focus on self-improvement rather than passive self-loathing (or wishing my friend ill for being better than I).

• I am a really good cook who makes killer fried chicken that my family loves. It makes me feel peaceful and good to know that I am, in that way, fulfilling my maternal obligation to fill my children's memory trunk with good stuff.

• While I may not have the world's cleanest home, my kids are nonetheless healthy as oxes -- a result, no doubt of that tolerance to bacteria I have so ingeniously been building up all these years. 

As they say in the media biz, it's all about the spin ...

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• #6 Comment from kking57523 
  3/31/06 7:50 PM | Permalink

  Well, I did have that fabulous job.  I was a pharmaceutical sales rep for Johnson and Johnson, "the family company" I was very successful and was top #2 in the region.  My husband was in Iraq and I was left doing this 70 hour a week job and raising a one year old on my own.  I refuse to do the dinner programs and entertaining the doctors in the evening due to my obligations to my daughter.  My husband returned from Iraq in December and on Christmas Eve they sent me a registered letter laying me off from my job.  I have over 8 years experience, four with them.  I took a year off to raise my child and be with my husband and have YET been able to return to my career.  Every interview I go on they all say the same thing, "We don't like the fact that you took off a year to be a stay at home mom"  as if I should apologize for making that decision.   So basically, my career is over and the thing is I was going to hang in there and juggle the career and family, but "the family company" made that decision for me.  So what did I do "I went onto the Oprah Winfrey show and told my story." Aired in October of 05 and April 06.  TAKE THAT J&J.
• #5 Comment from gtdonshirley 
  3/31/06 6:57 PM | Permalink

  The "mom envy" you speak of in your article is something I see in a lot of my friends.  They focus so much on what others have or are doing, that they don't enjoy what they have or are able to do.  I don't understand why people stress themselves out in that way.  I say do what works for you and your family and don't worry about keeping up with the self labeled "super-mom" from your child's first grade class.  "Super-mom" is probably overbooked and overstressed trying to keep up her image anyway.  Stop comparing your kids' acheivements and successes with other kids'.  Enjoy them for their unique qualities and just love them!
• #4 Comment from hh203 
  3/31/06 4:43 PM | Permalink

  I find it difficult to understand why someone who ostensibly is an editor doesn't know the plural of 'ox' is 'oxen,' not 'oxes.' I am, most recently, an over-the-road truck driver, and I know it. Perhaps I should become an editor, if the career field is THAT forgiving!  I am no longer a Professional Driver, as working 342 days of the year is not conducive to being a mother, in ANY capacity. I am now the 42 year old, stay at home mother of a 10 month old baby boy, the light of my life.  I am fortunate that his father makes enough money that I CAN stay home with him.  No, we're not married, and it's not in the works either.  He carries my last name as his middle name, and his father's last name as his last.  His daddy bought a house for us, and we three and the two dogs all live here, relatively happily.  His daddy travels on business frequently and so I am basically a single parent a majority of the time, except financially.  We appreciate him a lot more, on the infrequent occasions when he's home.  We also attended childbirth education classes unneccessarily.  At 41 years old though, I didn't really care how he got here, as long as he got here healthy.  We were fortunate.  I tried for many years to get pregnant with 2 husbands with no luck.  I had given up and assumed I was sterile.  NOT!  I am very happy to be a stay at home mother!
• #3 Comment from jstone5012 
  3/22/06 10:13 PM | Permalink

  Get over the C-section:  your child is healthy.  100 years ago, you both would have died.  You didn't miss anything.
  
  The real proof is in the adult:  have you raised happy, functioning adults (please note:  not happy, functioning children).
  
  Finally  raising children is not a competitive sport.   At some point, we all must take responsibility for ourselves.  Does the winner go to Harvard and the loser, Community College?  Not necessarily.  My mother did not "win" because I went to a great University on a full scholarship.   She did the best she could.  The gift I gave her was my achievement, and most importantly, my successful marriage and her 2 grandchildren.  
  
• #2 Comment from rbwinnie 
  3/7/06 7:07 AM | Permalink

  Good for you.  Your family comes first.   The ones with all the extra money, vacations, etc.   are not as happy as they think.  There will be lots of heartaches and disappointments, but lots more proud and happy times as the years go by.
  Then you will look at your family and say " Yes, it was worth it".