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"Us" versus "Them"
Leslie Morgan Steiner's 'Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families' does its subject matter and target readership a disservice by positioning itself, in the words of contributor Beth Brophy, about "'us' versus 'them'".
It does get a bit tedious only hearing from overprivileged women, but there are some enjoyably familiar and touching tales told in 'Mommy Wars.' My favorites are from the women who are utterly unconflicted about their choices to either work full-time or stay home, oppositional forces be damned.
Why then is it necessary for the book to sell itself with such a decidedly catty slant? This battleground mentality may be partly derived from the insecurity and sensitivity some feel about their own decision either to work full-time or stay home, highlighted by the perceived slights of others. I think, though, it's mainly a function of media spin. Storytelling, as anyone who has ever taken Writing 101 or Drama 101 can tell you, is about conflict. The media is all about telling compelling stories. And as they say in Math 101, "1+1=2."
The real issue, to my mind, is much harder to label with such punchy dramatic license. "Should I stay home with my kids or not?" should follow -- not precede --the more important, only-you-can-answer, question:
"What choices are best for me so that I can be the happiest person I can be?"
There is so much conflict implicit in the details of parenthood that it's really essential for them to be managed by a mom who can find some peace in the big picture of her life.
When I had my daughter I knew that there was nothing else I wanted to do but be home raising her. Of course, if I'd had an exciting career at the time instead of a crappy paying job things might have turned out very differently, just as it would have if economic necessity forced me to go back to that crappy paying job. I forged a freelance writing career as a way to work and stay home.
Somewhere along the way (nudged along by having a second child who, as a baby/toddler/preschooler required more of me than I was able to give), I broke down: exhausted by the emotional demands, without the career I craved for intellectual, social and financial reasons, deep in debt... Anyhow, for any number of reasons I needed to get a full-time job. It took me a while to find what I was looking for (or rather, for it to find me!), but here I am. I love my job and I love its challenges.
And you know what? My kids are happy as clams. Mom isn't pulling her hair out all day long, screaming at every little thing, dissatisfied. I come home from work and I remember why I love these little people so much. Now I feel like all those mothers I was only reading about in books like "Mommy Wars," reveling in the magical moments of motherhood. Though my life is more complicated than ever on many levels, I'm so much better able to handle life's hurdles (and appreciate its rewards) because I'm more fundamentally satisfied with my choices.
Choices ... Life is full of them. No one knows that better than mothers. If you're one of those women compelled to judge "them" for theirs, take a hard look in the mirror first.
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Gosh... I live in Mass. I own a daycare(20 years)- I work real hard, just as much as a stay at home mom or a working mom. Its a dumb old war- but its there. i have a degree and my kids are grown- I still like my stay at home job. yet... everyones asks- you getting a REAL job now that sons are both grown?
http://journals.aol.com/cste609371/writingsshortstoriesbySt ewart/ -
Dori Fern;
Regarding the Army widow, Shelly. Since her husband was active Army, please tell her that some years ago, I established a college scholarship at my alma mater, VMI in Lexington, Virginia for the children of active duty/retired service members, and it would apply to the children of a deceased servicemember also. So if, any of her kids are particularly interested in a military education, when they get old enough, VMI is a fine school and the child should get information from the Director of Admissions, particularly stating the status of their father.
Just a suggestion from Bill Benson, US Army (Ret.) of Rome, GA -
I would like to add that parenting your child a mere two to three hours a day when you get home from work doesn't make you a good parent just because YOU are happy being a career woman. I can't tell you how many times babies and toddlers are dropped off at the center in sopping wet diapers, pjs and starving while mom and dad leave dress to the nines. They also beg us to babysit on the weekends so they can attend every important social gathering.
Make a choice. You will never get the time back and by the time your child reachers grade school it is too late. They need you less and less They become angry and resentful according to studies on children in the day care system.
I love being a day care worker. I love taking excellent care of children but I am no subsitute for mom and dad.
I am glad that my husband and I did without a ton of material things so I could stay home with our four children at one of the most critical times in their lives. -
I have been on both sides of this issue. I was blessed to be a stay at home mom for several years and then as my marriage fell apart so did my job as my soon to be ex-husbands' personal assit. with his business"
A clear line had been drawn. It was stay with this man and put my children in harms way after 15 years of marriage or get out, get a job and restore peace in our home, and provide a place of refuge not war at the end of each day.
Needless to say there was no real choice. I have been back at work for 4 years, lost two homes, one job and now my mom has come out of retirement to help make ends meet.
I actually work at a preschool teaching 2-3 year olds their abc, 123s and music,
for moms who are out there working their butts off. Those mothers have left their prized posessions with me and entrusted me with their blessings to care for from 6-10 hours each day as they do what they have to do to provide for their children's present and future.
There is no ground for judgement. We all love our children and would and do lay down our lives to give them life and opportunities.
I am thankful for the opportunity I have to give these moms some peace of mind while they are at work. They know that I love their children and my 66 year old mom "Umma" as everyone calls her is ready to give out hugs and encouagement
to each child.
I loved being with my children at home, but when faced with individual tough as nails choices ,each one of us do our best to do what is right. There is no right and wrong way here, it is a war in this world to bring up well adjusted and content adults who care about themselves,family,community and see the world as one where they can make a difference. I believe we are on the same side.
May God bless each and every mom out there and may you see the fruit of your labor of love for an eternity. Belinda Hatcher Harris
7/7/06 5:19 PM
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