Great Expectations: Kids, Work, Life

"Us" versus "Them"

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 01:25:46 GMT

Leslie Morgan Steiner's 'Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families' does its subject matter and target readership a disservice by positioning itself, in the words of contributor Beth Brophy, about "'us' versus 'them'".

It does get a bit tedious only hearing from overprivileged women, but there are some enjoyably familiar and touching tales told in 'Mommy Wars.' My favorites are from the women who are utterly unconflicted about their choices to either work full-time or stay home, oppositional forces be damned.

Why then is it necessary for the book to sell itself with such a decidedly catty slant? This battleground mentality may be partly derived from the insecurity and sensitivity some feel about their own decision either to work full-time or stay home, highlighted by the perceived slights of others. I think, though, it's mainly a function of media spin. Storytelling, as anyone who has ever taken Writing 101 or Drama 101 can tell you, is about conflict. The media is all about telling compelling stories. And as they say in Math 101, "1+1=2."

The real issue, to my mind, is much harder to label with such punchy dramatic license. "Should I stay home with my kids or not?" should follow -- not precede --the more important, only-you-can-answer, question:

"What choices are best for me so that I can be the happiest person I can be?"

There is so much conflict implicit in the details of parenthood that it's really essential for them to be managed by a mom who can find some peace in the big picture of her life.

When I had my daughter I knew that there was nothing else I wanted to do but be home raising her. Of course, if I'd had an exciting career at the time instead of a crappy paying job things might have turned out very differently, just as it would have if economic necessity forced me to go back to that crappy paying job. I forged a freelance writing career as a way to work and stay home.

Somewhere along the way (nudged along by having a second child who, as a baby/toddler/preschooler required more of me than I was able to give), I broke down: exhausted by the emotional demands, without the career I craved for intellectual, social and financial reasons, deep in debt... Anyhow, for any number of reasons I needed to get a full-time job. It took me a while to find what I was looking for (or rather, for it to find me!), but here I am. I love my job and I love its challenges.

And you know what? My kids are happy as clams. Mom isn't pulling her hair out all day long, screaming at every little thing, dissatisfied. I come home from work and I remember why I love these little people so much. Now I feel like all those mothers I was only reading about in books like "Mommy Wars," reveling in the magical moments of motherhood. Though my life is more complicated than ever on many levels, I'm so much better able to handle life's hurdles (and appreciate its rewards) because I'm more fundamentally satisfied with my choices.

Choices ... Life is full of them. No one knows that better than mothers. If you're one of those women compelled to judge "them" for theirs, take a hard look in the mirror first.

The Boob Tube

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 01:20:02 GMT

Television viewing, to me, is much like eating: enjoy your indulgences, just don't overdo it ... generally speaking.

Last week I cancelled our satellite tv service. I got sick of it going out every time a storm or heavy wind blew past, necessitating yet another service call. I don't personally watch it all that often and I figured the kids could substitute DVDs for their favorite shows. It's been killing me to pay $60 a month for some cartoons, reruns of Full House and my weekly dose of Desperate Housewives--if the kids are in bed--and Grey's Anatomy (which I will hopefully be able to watch once I get around to buying an antenna). Don't even mention cable--can't get it in my neighborhood for reasons too ridiculously involved to mention.

I've always had a reasonably laissez faire attitude about the children's tv habits. They keep busy enough that I don't worry about a pre-dinner show or two ... or four. Still, I was starting to notice that watching the tube was starting to promote bickering and irritibility rather than relaxing them. Since we've cut off satellite service, they've been forced to find other activities, like arts & crafts projects, to engage themselves. They seem to be fighting less, too. If I ask if they mind not having tv they'll say they do, but if I don't mention it, neither do they.

"Well, la-di-da," you say. "Aren't you special?" Take comfort in the fact that last night I rented Hustle & Flow, stuck it in my DVD player and the darn thing wouldn't work. That really pissed me off.

Family Matters [2]

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 18:33:06 GMT

I did something yesterday I haven't done in months. I got home early from work (and by "early" I mean 6pm not 7, 7:30pm or later). I've been beat the past few days. The plan was that the sitter would stay to feed and bathe the kids while I took a little time to relax before bedtime. We all sat together for dinner--the kids were in exceptionally cheery moods. No bickering, no problems. Bath time came and L, who's 5, demanded that I do it. "Please let Mommy rest for a bit and then I'll put you to bed," I implored. "But I haven't seen you all day!" he cried.

Sigh...what was I gonna do?

So many of my years of motherhood were spent at home, juggling part-time writing assignments and full-time mom duties. Late afternoon through bedtime were always tough: I'm tired, they're tired and we're all kind of sick of each other. Now that I'm working full-time, though, day's end is really the start of our quality time together.

I gave him a bath, then watched as my almost 10-year-old daughter directed her puppy dog brother in a couple of hysterical song and dance performances followed by an impromptu yoga class ("No, L, that's downward dog not upward dog!") conducted on my bed.

By the time I tucked the little one in, I was thoroughly entertained and invigorated. Laying down to face him, I said "You know, you were right, spending time with you guys was just what I needed to relax."

"Love," he said quietly. "That's what you needed, Mommy. It's good for you!"

Enough With Mommy Wars--How About Those Daddies?

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 01:00:03 GMT

I do want to address all the fuss about Leslie Morgan Steiner's "The Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families" and the topic of being a SAHM versus being one who works outside the house. First, of course, I need to read the book...(there's a blog entry somewhere about how difficult it is to get through a book once you're a busy mom ;)

What I will say about the book and its subject matter right now is this:

*I absolutely hate the idea of pitting SAHMs against 'career moms.'

*Having done both jobs, I can tell you that comparing them is sort of like entering a foreign land and expecting the culture there to be just like that of your native soil.

*There is a vast middle ground of women, like myself, who have stayed at home AND worked on a part-time/freelance basis that no one talks about.

What I think is far more interesting at present is not this age-old debate but rather a notable phenomenon that no one seems to be talking about, involving the changing role of men in the workforce and on the homefront.

As more and more women admit that they don't want to go it alone when it comes to parenting and home responsibilities, more men are stepping up to the plate. And as men become more involved with these jobs once relegated solely to the woman of the house, they are taking ownership and pride in doing so.

What happens, as such, is that the work/home balance we usually talk about in female terms is now becoming an issue for men, too. For one, the more money women make and the more equal men are at home, the more stay-at-home dads there are.

I also, though, see this phenomenon play out among the many baby boomer/urban/media-type guys, 'career dads' I know--men like my husband (from whom I'm separated, but who also happens to be a terrific guy and amazing father). Over the years, I have watched as S has changed from someone who worked countless hours to a dad eager to spend as much time as possible with his kids, and working on his beloved house. He still loves his career, but he also takes ownership of his role as an equal parenting partner. That means he struggles--just like so many women--to make enough time to do all of his jobs well.

This is great news for women like myself who are grateful for the shared parenting responsibilities (and probably a 'be careful what you wish for' scenario for others), but its effect on the economy--like that of career women and SAHMs--is definitely worth considering.

Darwin Says What?

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 05:39:11 GMT

Turns out, Darwin might have been onto something. If government studies are to be trusted ...dramatic pause for effect ... then all you proponents of child-enrichments like bedtime stories have been wasting your breath. Ditto you stay-at-home moms who sacrifice good salaries and decent conversation in order to ensure the nurturing enrichment of your kid.

Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, the duo behind 'Freakonomics,' have sifted through a massive government database ominously titled the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study. Since the late 1990s, 20,000 children have been followed and observed and the factors that most clearly influence standardized test performance are as follows:

* Lots of books sitting on shelves
* Being a mom over the age of 30
* Highly educated parents who speak English and are involved with the PTA

What does NOT seem to matter, for yielding superior exam-taking skills:

* Leaving a job or school in order to stay home with kids between kindergarten and first grade
* Reading bedtime (or any other kind of) stories
* Intact family unit (no divorces, etc.)
* If you spank your kid or let them watch lots of TV

It may seem strange to some that simply having books on the shelf is more influential than actually reading them to your kids. Not to me. As Levitt and Dubner point out, if you have a lot of books you probably like to read and, ergo, your kids were born into parentage smarter than your average wabbit. So throw your kids in front of the TV, spank them at commercial breaks, divorce from your spouse, refuse to read bedtime stories and get a 'real' job.

Who cares about quality of life issues? It's all about those test scores.

Another Useful Study: Baby Altruism

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 03:42:20 GMT

Here's what I wanna know: Who's paying for all these studies yielding relatively useless information?

Some guy named Felix Werneken has done a lot of research to determine that the human capacity for altruism emerges as early as 18 months old. Warneken dropped a clothespin, looked over at the baby who quickly crawled over, picked it up and handed it back. No rewards given, none expected.

Not for nothing but, big deal. Isn't it just the ultimate irony that the littlest ones are those who want to help? I mean, they're cute and all but, let's face it: they can't actually do much. They may try and we may encourage this behavior because we hope that the day will come when they, indeed, are capable, productive members of the family and of society in general.

My own, ongoing, chapter two of this study, however, yields far more eyebrow-raising results: Come age 5 or so, kids completely lose any sense of altruism they once possessed. Gone! Disappeared! Not to be seen again, depending on the sensitivity of the human in question, until they're around 30 (though college kids do sometimes exhibit such compassion, especially when it falls in direct conflict with the aims and positions of government authorities).

It's not that my kids don't "help" at all--it's just that they don't do it just because it would make their mother happy or keep the house neater or any such do-gooder motives. No, they do stuff because I demand it or threaten to take prized perks away: TV privileges, playdates and so forth. With older kids, like my 9-year-old, good old capitalism inspires household involvement: No work, no allowance. What do you make of that, Mr. Warneken?

To paraphrase that saying about youth: Altruism is wasted on the (youngest of the) young.

Family Affairs [1]

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 15:32:10 GMT

Sunday, 7:21am

L crawls into bed with me.

"Is it breakfast time yet?" he asks in a loud whisper.

I squint nearsightedly at the clock.

"No, not yet," I answer, closing my eyes and drawing him close.

Silence ... then:

"Mom, how do you draw a triangle?" The wheels of his brain are spinning so loud I can hear them.

In the air above us I draw him one. He tries one in his airspace, but stumbles on the first effort. A few more attempts and he's got it.

We settle down (or at least I do) again to rest. He just can't do it.

"I know how to spell Mom--M-O-M ...

Mama? ... Is it breakfast time yet?"

Apparently, it is. I love my little Kindergartener.

The Invisible Mom

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 22:36:08 GMT

I don't own sweatpants. I've got a pair of gortex, super-fiber leggings for running laps around Brooklyn's Prospect Park, but unless you happen to see me whizzing by, you're not likely to ever witness me walking the streets in them.

I understand that sweats are comfortable. I also get the fact that kids are messy and tend to soil whatever they touch. Still, a well-fitted pair of jeans and top is pretty comfy, too. So is a stretchy wrap dress worn with a nice pair of low-heeled boots. And they're machine washable to boot. It’s one thing to rock a Juicy Couture track suit. Grey baggies from Sears are quite another.

Dressing in ill-fitting, "Who cares?" clothes is like saying "My kids are adorable, but don't look at me--I'm invisible."

For most of my life as a mom, I've been home with the kids. It's been such an important part of my sense of self-worth as an individual and as a woman to nurture my personal style. Even during the years (yes, years) when I carried post-birth baby weight, I still tried to look cute even though I didn’t have much money to buy clothes.

Two weeks after my daughter was born, I had my hair dyed bleach-blond for the first (and last) time. Then, I went through a succession of crazy color streaks, culminating in a nicer-than-it-sounds emerald-on-black combo. That was about six years ago. I stopped for two reasons. For one, every teenager in the neighborhood started doing it. Mostly though, my style—such as it was—was veering too dangerously close into “cool mom” territory. The last thing I want is for my kids to think of me as cool and the absolutely last thing I want anyone to think of me as is “that old bag trying to look like a cool mom.” It’s a fine line between looking “dope” and looking dopey. More on this in another post.

Today, Blogging Baby ran a post about “Mommy Edge,” in which Charlene Prince Birkeland detailed her need to do something edgy, like getting pink hair streaks while pregnant with baby number two. I don’t know how old Birkeland is, but I suspect she’s younger than I. Certainly many of the reader comments were from young moms in their 20s.

It’s my happy observation that today’s new moms seems less willing than their older peers to lose all fashion sensibility post-childbirth, like the women featured in Saturday Night Live’s hilarious “Mom Jeans” skit.

Does personal style -- donning the clothes or stylings you think look good on you -- matter more or less when you become a parent? What do you think?

Green is not my favorite color

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 00:41:29 GMT

My first disappointment upon entering motherhood nearly a decade ago was that, after six weeks of natural childbirth class where I trained like an athlete to "breathe through the pain," I wound up having a C-section. Luckily, I was still able to enjoy 14 hours of excruciating agony before it became clear that this little girl wasn't in the least bit eager to leave the warmth of my womb. Still, some part of me felt that I had failed, or that my body had failed me. Hearing the feel-good experiences of some of my classmates made me want to commit mean-spirited acts of vengeance, though I did manage to smile and nod my head supportively.

I have felt inadequate many times since then. I look around at my friends' fastidious homes and I feel like a slob (well, okay, I kind of am one). I am also sometimes jealous of the wealth of my peers who never seem to have a problem affording luxuries like vacations and housecleaners and private school (although they still complain about a shortage of funds), while my financial life is a mess of debt.

Leslie Bennetts speaks to this pervasiveness of Mom Envy, the ugly shade of green that colors how we see ourselves by contrasting our "weaknesses" against the perceived superiority of other moms we know. Bennetts points out that women are most prone to envy other moms, directing feelings of inadequacy inward. Dads, meanwhile, tend to project their anxieties about their children's relative superiority onto the kids themselves.

Either way, it's damaging. The older I get and the longer I parent the more I realize that raising well-adjusted kids mostly hinges upon these free yet priceless pearls:

• Give your kids lots of kisses and hugs, even if they say "yuck" when you do.

• Possess an almost unnatural amount of patience (although I also firmly believe that those who manage to keep their temper under control all the time are weird and unhealthy).

• I once asked a famous chef how she managed to raise three kids while working around the clock in her restaurant and she said, "When the mother's happy, so are the kids." I have repeated this mantra to myself many times over the years.

Further, the next time I feel envy toward a fellow mom, I'm going to remind myself of the following:

• Learn from those who have something to teach me. If that which I envy is shining a mirror on some facet of my personality or behavior that I'd like to change, then I'm going to focus on self-improvement rather than passive self-loathing (or wishing my friend ill for being better than I).

• I am a really good cook who makes killer fried chicken that my family loves. It makes me feel peaceful and good to know that I am, in that way, fulfilling my maternal obligation to fill my children's memory trunk with good stuff.

• While I may not have the world's cleanest home, my kids are nonetheless healthy as oxes -- a result, no doubt of that tolerance to bacteria I have so ingeniously been building up all these years.

As they say in the media biz, it's all about the spin ...