Suzi's Saucy Shots

Oh, the series of unfortunate events.

Last I left, I was headed to the Arkansas Literary Festival. Sounds glam, doesn’t it? Author stuff always does even if it is in your own backyard. The cocktail party was held in Trapnall Hall, a historic house in downtown Little Rock, surrounded by big oak trees and a noisy interstate – the most traveled in the state. This was a mix and mingle for folks who wanted to support literacy in the state – we have some of the highest rates in the country – and meet authors. Oh, and the authors? What is the one pleasure authors get from such events – having people buy their books from a table covered with white linen cloth and signing them while holding a glass of wine. Before authors become authors they dream of such things as they toil away in pajamas on a computer, downing their 18th cup of coffee of the day.

For once in my life, I arrived some place early. Maybe that was the problem because I soon discovered something very terrible. My book wasn’t on the table with all the other authors' books -- even hard-to-find ones. No, my book was nowhere to be found. Surely, a mistake. No sane person would invite an author to an event five months earlier and then not have the one thing they have poured out heart and soul to create – their book. But alas, I was told in typical Southern fashion – that means lots of oozing sweetness as they tell you the bad news you already know – that something happened, who knows what, and my books just didn’t arrive. Where are they? I ask. Who knows, they just didn’t get here? My explanation: Lost in that infamous Bermuda triangle of lost books where UPS tracking numbers don’t exist.

Utterly fascinating to me that I have traveled all over promoting my book – Miami (practically to Cuba) to New Orleans to gift stores, art galleries and lingerie stories throughout the South that don’t even deal in books and guess what? Books on a table every time I arrived. The only word to describe this fiasco: Incompetency.

Luckily, I had a few books in my trunk and pulled those out and put them on the table. Hopefully, I’ll receive the money from the Arkansas Literacy Council some day for these books as authors do have to pay for the books they order that are delivered usually to their front in two to three days with a UPS tracking number attached. Guess what? Those books sold out quickly Friday night.

On Saturday, Willie D’s Piano Bar was packed with people on a messy rainy Saturday afternoon to hear about pony play and my Alabama adventures. The only downside: No books for anyone to buy. The sad thing is this weekend benefitted the Arkansas Literacy Council, which lost a lot of money for their cause by not having my book to sell.

Am I angry? Damn right. What author wouldn’t be when they were the only one with no books to sell. Did I let people know? Damn straight, with a few four-letter words thrown in the mix. They don't call me Honey Bunny for nothing. Will it make a difference? Probably not, knowing the way Arkansas works.

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Rain, rain, go away.

What a gloomy week, tons of rain. But a shining light in the week occurred Tuesday when I saw Second City at the Rep here in Little Rock. What amazing improv and comedy. So, alas, all week, I've been imagining myself as one of the greatest improv stars ever -- and of course, I am in my imagination. If I actually had to hit the stage and improvise, that would be a tragic thing to witness. Comedian? Not me.

This Saturday, I'll be appearing at the Arkansas Literary Festival, 4 p.m. at a piano bar called Willie D's in the River Market district in downtown Little Rock. I plan to dish the dirt about Sex in the South and maybe even wield a riding crop. More details as they develop...

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Destination: Mango Street.

Last night, I had the awesome chance to introduce Sandra Cisneros, author of The House on Mango Street, Loose Woman and Caramelo, at Sufficient Grounds. It was an incredible opportunity for me as Cisneros has been a huge impact on me as a writer especially with her poetry collection Loose Woman. I wrote a review of her books for the Democrat-Gazette in 1994 and fell in love with her intense passion for her subjects. House on Mango Street is now required reading in schools across the country, and the book has sold more than two million copies. It's the story of a girl coming of age in the Hispanic quarter of Chicago. A very cool book, but nothing tops her poetry. Get these lines: "She's a black lace kind bra / kind of woman, the kind who serves up suicide with every kamikaze / poured in the neon blue of evening." Later in the poem "Black Lace Bra Kind of Woman," she writes: "Drives her '59 seventy-five on 35/ like there is no tomorrow./ Woman zydecoing into her own decade." That bold, fearless writing inspired me through the years to write "Sex in the South" in a fearless way with all the boldness and frankness I could generate.

After the event, a few of us went to Ciao Baci, one of my favorite haunts, with Sandra for drinks and dinner where she gave me some secrets about the book biz – what to do, what not to do, how to recover from a book tour. All good to know as no one ever teaches you those aspects of the book world.

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Catching up.

When last I left, I was in New Orleans. Friday was a long day of signing at House of Lounge, a slinky lingerie store with beautiful smoking jackets, curious tassles, and must-have-every-one-of-them bustiers. Jessica Glasscock, author of Striptease: From Gaslight to Spotlight which is a beautiful coffee table book on burlesque, also signed books with me at HOL. She’s funky New York via Alabama with elaborate tattoos and chunky black shoes. Her mother was a pioneer art student at Auburn University in the 1960s who lobbied relentlessly for women the opportunity to wear pants.

My posse – Mom, Dad and I – left New Orleans late, drove to Natchez, had dinner and then motored to Arkansas. Yawn. Saturday, I went to the Twisters game at Alltel and became appalled at the half-time show. It takes a lot to shock and appall me, but I have to say watching a propaganda video highlighting the bloody, violent aspects war in Iraq and showing planes crash into the World Trade Center. The insinuation: 9.11 is somehow connected to the fighting in Iraq. Throughout the arena, young children watched in a confused state with worry and fear covering their faces. The video, which ran for at least five minutes, played on the screen over the heads of fifty or more recruits who were inducted into the Army after the video ended. Surreal, yes. I went to the game to escape CNN and the 24/7 news cycle but left feeling sickly ashamed by the wartime rah-rah forced upon the crowd and the midleading message in footage set to blaring heavy metal music.

The sports didn’t stop there. I caught the Monday morning game of the Arkansas Travelers. Not a huge baseball fan, but it was great to get some sun on my vampire skin for an hour or so. The best thing: The pink cotton candy making me giddy. Want list: Cotton candy machine.

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Long drive. Always.

To get from Little Rock to New Orleans is always an exhausting drive. Except this time, we discovered an Amish bakery in Leland, Miss., with yummy sandwiches, strong sweet tea, homemade bread, amazing cookies and cakes. But once here, it's always fun -- usually. We -- my crazy parents and I -- arrived here around 6ish yesterday to our favorite hotel -- Le Pavillon.

Within an hour everything went slightly haywire. The bellboy lost the keys to our car. He finally find them after about fifteen minutes. Then, we decided to go to Frankie and Johnny's, one of our favorite places because it's so local New Orleans. We were greeted with a waitress with a severe attitude who didn't want to explain anything. It only got worse from there when she gave us mushy, bad -- as in spoiled -- shrimp. She continually acted haughty and then lost our order. Yet, she wouldn't admit it although everyone around us got their food. Overall, a disaster.

Today begin with breakfast at the hotel and then shopping. Usually I do the tourist thing but this time I wanted to shop for funky clothes. Not that I love shopping, I don't. But I found a lot of mod clothes and springs shoes. Who could say no? Not me. Lunch: Commander's Palace. Turtle soup! Bread Pudding Souffle! Delish!

I spoke tonight at Tulane to a good crowd. Jessica Glasscock, author of Striptease, was suppose to show up but she ended up having another event and bad traffic also slowed her down. So it was just me and tales of Sex in the South. Wonderful reception, interesting questions, new tips for more sex stories. Earlier in the day, former Ronald Reagan guru Ed Meese spoke against Democrats and their activism in halting federal judges. A couple of days ago, Molly Ivins spoke against Republicans.

Le Pavillon offers peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at 10 p.m. every night along with fruit, milk and rich, creamy hot chocolate. After a long day, it's the perfect nightcap before bedtime, which is now.

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Ahhh, lingerie.

I'll be at House of Lounge, 2040 Magazine St in New Orleans on Friday April 16 at 1p.m. for  a reading and book signing. The topic: Outwardly Prim, Privately Pornographic”: On Stripping, Sex, and the South. Jessica Glasscock, author of "Striptease: From Gaslight to Spotlight", whichexplores the history of the art of striptease from its roots in nineteenth-century popular stage shows to its garish heyday in the nightclubs of the 1950s will also be with me at House of Lounge.

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Hitting the Road.

This time tomorrow I will be on the long drive that it is to New Orleans. I'm going down to speak and sign books at Tulane. Sadly, I'm only in NOLA for a couple of days but hopefully will get to shop, eat great food and meet some interesting characters. Speaking of characters, I' m reading a book I highly recommend: Maggie Darling by James Howard Kunstler. The character -- a take-off of a Martha Stewart type -- is hilarious and fun, and the writing is beautifully witty. Looking for escape into a world not your own, this is the book.

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Plunging In.

So many people have said I should keep a blog so here I go. This will be a spot where you can learn updates about Sex in the South and future projects. I will also post dispatches from travels, adventures, and stories too. My website -- www.suziparker.com -- will continue to have reviews posted and new news but this will be more real time with the occasional breaking news item ala Smack Talk from many moons ago. Feel free to comment, rant, rave.

So come on in: The water's warm and seductive.

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