livinginthemoment

Okay, I am moving on. I am following my mentor......the Boss! aka Belfast Cowboy...aka Single Man Writing.....

Lately I have felt the need to write and have fun...something that was missing for a bit...and since I am going to join this century soon and leave aol and dial up...I thought I would follow him to blogger. I know I did not write a lot before, but I am ready to write!  No, don't be waiting with anticipation (all of my two readers) for some highly intellectual stuff....no I am ready to just write whatever comes to mind....funny rants let's say. Ok, enough of this...Desperate Housewives is on soon.  Goodbye! Check out the new site soon!

http://lifelovelattes.blogspot.com/

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Wow....I have not written in two months. It is all of nothing with me. I either write a few times in a short period..or nothing.

I just got home and showered....had to close the bucks. This is a rare occurrence for I have been now regularly opening the store five days a week. Tonight I was needed for someone was ill. I have grown to love opening the store. Although I have to get up by 4 AM, I like the silence of the early morning. I get up and get dressed...eyes still closed....and drive to work....now open..hopefully....I open with another person and the store is very quiet for the first hour and a half. We have a steady stream of regulars....of which my fellow opener and I know all of their drinks....

1.) decaf grande sugar free french vanilla nonfat latte and Boston Globe for Steve the taxi driver....he sometimes helps us put the chairs down...nice guy

2.) venti cup, NY Times, Globe for the quiet gentleman with a beard....always gives us the change from the four dollars he gives for his purchase....

3.) mechanic who orders a "large dark"...I don't ever correct him....he is too nice..but sir, it is a venti bold....hee hee

4.) Armenian man who bowls on Wednesday night...grande mild...he is so sweet

5.) my neighbor....steve....a short mild roast with hazlenut syrup and two shots...in a grande cup...double cupped that is

6.) grande mild double cup is for the next gentleman with salt and pepper hair....

7.) tall soy chai for sara, a teacher .....sweet...and always brings her own travel mug

8.) venti coffee and blueberry muffin for a tall man...

9.) rich....iced grande coffee with two pumps of mocha

10.) tall coffee for the ex local high school hockey coach

11.) grande coffee and a glazed donut for the pretty blond

blah blah blah....and this is all before 6 am......writing this out makes me think that I could actually tell you easily the drinks of close to one hundred people.....so i shall stop.

I like Starbucks. It has been a good place for me the past six months. I like getting out of work by 1 PM and having the afternoon to get stuff done. I love the customers. It is a job that I never have to think about when I leave. Sundays I can relax, play soccer, read the paper....The job has been serving its purpose..it gives me structure and some money...and people think teachers make nothing...hee hee...and time to recover...but it has its downs too. Like everything. I def. need to start looking for a new place to work for the beginning of the year and i need to start making some decisions for my future.

I miss my kids and teaching terribly. I need to be in an academic environment..or at least a somewhat stimulating environment...i mean sometimes I cannot help but be somewhat snooty...simple things at work that don't or cannot get done...it is lack of intelligence or just apathy? Then i think..yeah i am 28 with two degrees and here i am at the bucks....so many conflicting feelings.....it has been so helpful being there....but so hard too....i feel like i need to be in a job where i am helping people...or serving a purpose....eesh. i need to stop ranting...this is what happens when i don't write for a while..i start totally ranting!

so back to tonight....had to close the store..thigns were going fine until a man came to the counter 15 minutes prior to closing....he seemed under the influence of some drug or drink....he ordered some apple coffee cake and a grande coffee.....he sat down and began coughing in a disgusting manner.....a few minutes later i saw him head to the bathroom. i was sweeping the cafe and talking to a couple who were on a date. I then circled the cafe and told people we were closing...the guy was still in teh restroom so i went to knock to make sure he was in there before everyone headed out and I locked the doors. I stepped in vomit on my way over which was lovely.....the guy was still in there and i could hear him get sick again. Another customer told me they would wait if i wanted them too...i was worried the guy was on drugs or really drunk and i did not want to be alone with him and my other closer....another starbucks has had to close their bathrooms to customers because of stuff like this. i got nervous and called the police. they were great...came right away...and knocked to see if the guy was all right. they took him home and i was able to close the store. oh, after i mopped up some vomit. lovely.

anyways, while i am ranting....so much has been happening since i last wrote....i am now three months away from cigarettes.....have two new additions to the family...punky, a kitten, and daisy, a puppy....paul and i went and adopted then within the same week at the beginning of sept. i will write about them soon. they are incredible!

i am feeling better and better each day which is so wonderful. since sept. i have really turned a corner in recovery and am dealing with so many things that needed to be dealt with.

hmmm....i think i have ranted enough.....my senteces are choppy, tyed incorrectly...spelling errors.....and guess what, i am too tired to check....so if you actually made it to the end of this entry....god bless you....i apologize.... :)

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Disbelief.

Sadness.

Filth. Feces. Disease.

Smug politicians utilizing opportunities.

Mothers cradling crying children who have gone unfed. unbathed.

Steam. Humidity. Tears. the dreaded W word.

Dark, dank, dirty. Superdome.

Looting. Raping.

Busy signal on the Boston Red Cross line.

Helplessness. What will they do? What can I do?

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Today is one month smoke free. I cannot believe it has been that long.

So, Tuesday I was walking down the street after my therapy session and I see a picture of a seven week old kitty in the window of a cat hospital. Need I say more? I did not think so. She has been named Punky (II). When I was younger, the first cat I ever had was named Punky. She was black and white and looks exactly like this kitten. When I went in and played with the kitten this week, she was crazy. She was runnning around chasing a paper ball. She was independent and wild. Hence, she is a punk.

I was worried about JB and Lanky's responses to her. I was more worried about JB....but it was Lanky that was none too happy. I am happy to report after a few days, he has calmed down. He has been guarding our bed and growls if the kitty comes near it at night.

Punky doesn't really understand her size and chases Lanky and JB although they hiss at her at times. Goodness she is cute. She could easily fit into a hat or a cereal bowl. She is so tiny!

I have too much to say about too man things, but thought I would start there. I am off to get some ice cream. Of course. Then I need to go to bed since I am opening the bux.

On a different note, I am keeping the people of New Orleans and surrounding areas in my prayers.

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First, I still have not smoked. It has been 17 days. I cannot believe it has been that long...but hey...it has...and thank God. I can breathe. The past two days have been so hard though. I realy wanted to "just have one" yesterday....but that never works out for me. :(

So I have been hiding. Mostly from friends. Well, family too. I talk to my husband and to the people I see at work. I just have not been calling too many friends. I feel overwhelmed. The therapist says I am probably a little off since I quit the cigarettes plus I never truly let people in so when I am sad I def. don't call anyone. And she said that I was probably feeling sadness that it is back to school time and I am not returning.

She brought that little gem up this morning in our session. Well the flood gates opened. I am so frustrated and angry. Why can I  not just get over my shit? Why?

There are few, maybe even only two things about myself that make me feel good...and teaching is one. Now that is gone. I just don't take pride in my current job. I do the job and obviously put 100% in, but  it is not my passion.

I received an email from a former student today. She asked how my summer was going and said that she was looking forward to seeing me in the fall. hmmm.

So I am having a pity party today. At least I have Lanky. He just jumped up onto my lap. I swear he senses when I am sad.

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Today is day 8 of no smoking~~~~ Never thought I would make it here. Still, I am keeping it one day at a time since I had four and half years without smoking before. I have walked every day and boy does it feel great to breathe....or should I say be able to breathe.

I actually don't have a lot to say. Pretty muddled up inside with some feelings. Tired from working a lot of hours at the bucks. We are short staffed and I got the promotion so I have a lot more to do. It has been a lot of fun though. A lot of laughs. Yesterday I had a woman ask me in the middle of the Sat. morning rush if we used some kind of chemically engineered corn in our muffins. Oy.

I have spent the weekend with my hubbie. He is truly the greatest man. So loving and supportive.

Ok, I am rambling.

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Today is day 3 without Parliament Lights. According to quitnet.com, I have saved $16.50, not smoked 42 cigarettes...yikes....and added 7 hours onto my life.

I have taken walks with my husband the past three days. It has been wonderful. We walk along the Charles River on the outskirts of Boston. There are little docks that take you close to the river. There you escape the noise of traffic. The air is crisp and the view of nature is outstanding. We have a new routine too. We stop and look down at the turtles in the water. They nip at the lily pads and swim after each other.

I am off and on cranky but getting through. I finally thought that I needed to take more action. This is a year of recovery for me and it is not just going to happen. I need to put some more effort forth.

In more humorous notes....my mom called today and told me that she had to look at my picture to remember what I looked like. So my mom.

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Feeling a little crazy today. Okay, what day do I not feel crazy? Really.

So, at 5:30 AM this morning Paul woke me up and told me that I might not get in my walk and then drive back home in time to pick up Steve. The traffic going back into Boston in the morning is terrible. I text messaged Caitlin and waited for her reply. It was early and she was still sleeping. I of course fell back to sleep and slept through the walk. Thus I woke up feeling guilty and did not put the patch on. I smoked and then took Steve to the hospital.

He is there now and I have to pick him up at 3. Hence, I have a little time to write. I don't know..I am all over the place. Life this past year has just been terrible and I hate writing about it here because I don't want people to think of me negatively, but this is what it is right now and I guess I need to write. It is not like a lot of people are reading..hee hee....haven't lost my sense of humor through all of this...thank goodness.

So what is going on? I am 28 and working at Starbucks after leaving the job I love. Still struggling with some issues that plagued my adolescent years. Did not think I would be here right now. Despising myself for it too. I really have such great people and friends in my life and have to had to struggle with many issues that plague our society. Nevertheless, I do have some things that won't seem to leave me alone.

When I was in college I came so far with recovering from my OCD and getting away from drinking and then smoking. Things were getting so much better.....but of course my OCD and eating stuff covers up the true feelings of self-hate and fear of others. My OCD is so much better in some aspects as is my eating than it was ten years ago but everything goes in stages...in part I know that some really deep, core stuff is finally coming up which is helping me....but it still sucks at times like now.

My new therapist is awesome. She is really helping me to get to some of this core belief that I am a terrible person. My anxiety has been a little high the past few days, but after seeing her Tuesday, it lowered a bit. I need to call this place down the street that has an eating disorder support group. I keep procrastinating. Story of my life. But, again the positive:good therapist. Feeling a slight change within.

Paul has been so patient. God bless the poor guy. He has been so loving and tolerant this year.

Still have not talked to my mom. Sad in some ways. Relieved in others.

Have some unresovled feelings about a trip I took with someone last year. He wrote about it in his blog. I feel terrible about the whole thing. Too scared to talk about it.

Trying to do some fun things lately to enjoy life more.....therapist says I need to have some fun and less stress. I have days in which I have to plan to have fun....(no I don't have issues...hee hee)

My eating has been good lately although being 20 pounds heavier this summer than last sucks...a friend came over a month and a half ago and helped me throw away my thin clothes. That was awful...letting go...of course the sick side of me said..."you only got to a size 4 last summer...you weren't that bad....you have been a size 0 before. You suck." 

I am really seeing how mean I am to myself and how I keep people exactly where I want them. I keep everyone at bay and only let in people at certain times. I think that it is why this journal is healing in a way. I don't want people to know me so they cannot judge me, but I need to talk about this stuff because keeping it in has not worked. And I love people. There lies the great paradox. Keep it in and pretend to be okay and suffer.....or face a big fear that people will see how terrible I am, but slowly recover......

A breeze just came in to the room. Lanky is curled up in the sun spot on the rug. Now he jsut got up and stretched. I need to go enjoy the sun...and shockingly enough.....CALM DOWN.  ;)

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So, the past week has been well, hot. Thank goodness a cold front is moving in. The AC and ice machine broke at Starbucks this week. That sucked.

This past weekend Paul, my neighbor Steve, and I drove to NJ (I'll hold my comments) to help our friend move into a new condo. The weekend was an adventure. I'm too tired to explain and will tell more later.

Monday morning I drove my other neighbor to her colonoscopy appt. In the past few months I have driven Paul, then Steve, and then Anna to this poopy procedure. (I am sorry...feeling goofy and addicted to alliteration.)

Anywho, I have learned more about the insides of all three than I ever care to know and have now gotten the drop off, wait, pull the car up, call the nurse, walk out drugged up person to car- routine down. :) All three are clear and I will not need to drive them for another 10 years....

Tomorrow I am taking Steve for another doc's appt. I am also meeting a dear friend.....Caitlin....see "Babs and Rosemary" below...for a walk in the morning along the beach. I am hoping to put the patch on in the morning. Then I can breathe in some fresh air and start the day off right. Please say a prayer for me. This smoking thing is really bothering me.

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Ok, I am smoking. I know. I suck. I am just going to keep trying. I hate it. I hate myself when I do it. My body hates me too. EEEEK! I made it two and a half days before losing it.

Today was so sticky here in Boston. It was terrible. I ate out again tonight....I am not a cook...but the thought of boiling anything for dinner or microwaving it was just not happening....Thus, we ate out.

I was just in the shower...thinking...it is my place to think. I was thinking of people out in j-land. Since I have very few positive things to report I thought I would list some things that are new or fun to me this summer. Sort of like Oprah's favorite things....ladies..you know the show when she tells everyone about her favorite things and then proceeds to give each member of the audience thousands of dollars of presents. Well, here we go. (The list is short and the items are a few hundred dollars cheaper ;) )

Favorite summer drink:  Passion Tea Lemonade....from Starbucks..of course

Favorite song: Surround Me - Ben Taylor Band

Favorite CD: Gavin Degraw

Favorite Body Wash: Lavender and Chamomile from Softsoap

Favorite Magazine: Real Simple...

Highly anticipated movie: Must Love Dogs - cannot wait to see it! I know..I am a sap!

Favorite TV Show: Rescue Me

Favorite Ice Cream: Pineapple ...from the local ice cream shop

I am stumped on the book front...for I just finished My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult and unless you want to sob on the beach....do NOT read it.

Favorite new toy: pink Ipod mini

Favorite Website: Buyblue or Craigslist

Ok, I am done...if anyone has any fun stuff to share..please do. I could use some tips.

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