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Saturday, April 19, 2008
7:29:00 PM EDT
Hearing The Sickness ~ Disturbed
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7:29:00 PM EDT
Hearing The Sickness ~ Disturbed
Intricate decision tree
Spending some time at home today, not feeling so well. Many have asked in email about ~ Cardiac Special Care Program - Saint Barnabas Hospice and Palliative Care~ They are a perfect match for Dad & I. We have had some funny, tender, emotional & honest times lately. I'll admit, some with a desperate edge, detours, adjustments. My friend since middle school, Audrey, who loves my Dad & calls him "Pop," thinks I may have cast Dad in too bright of a light in my journal over time. Quite possible, that.
Over the years I've had people IRL tell me:
Your Father adores you
Your Father lived with you too long
You lived with your Father too long
(Months after I moved out he told me I had to come back, he missed me, hated living alone, & could not take care of everything as I did. I was pissed, then happy he wanted/needed me. Then pissed & happy again, repeat several times)
Your Father is too critical of you
Your Father doesn't like when you (several different things) & says you do it all the time
You are sooo like your Father
You are sooo different from your Father
All true, at times. Sometimes adoration gets replaced with rage when you are very sick, very close or even just aging, aging & you KNOW the deal at the end....
I've always found it totally insulated from reality when people say: You have such a perfect Dad. If I had a Dad like yours, sure, I would (insert whatever they didn't/haven't done for theirs in their own opinion). I tend to describe the essence of what I perceive in those I love in a positive way (Folks have written me emails: You have a lot of patience with Chicklet. She sounds like a pain
). I think doing this largely beats the alternative.
). I think doing this largely beats the alternative. Blame assumes causation, & to my way of thinking, causation is often hard to determine in Life Matters. As an adult, I tend to worry about my culpability, not someone else's. Projecting the embarrassment of your own earned failures onto those close to you is a loss for everyone. It is actually easier for me to find reasons to disqualify myself from being a victim, than it is to always tilt everything so absurdly in my simpy favor.
If you want everyone to take into account the accumulative weight of what you see as your own personal hardships, issues, & responsibilities while judging you, it might be a good idea to do so when considering the actions of those you love/live with, or are closest to also. This is just a personal observation, but I have NEVER heard a person say: My Mother/Father doesn't accept me for who I am or love me based upon my own merits... without that person going into a litany of things wrong with the parent. Hey, guess what? You don't accept him/her very well on his/her own merits/terms either, huh?
I drive Dad crazy & have done many things he disapproves of, but he loves me. Dad drives me crazy, & has done many things I cannot even wrap my mind around, but I love him. Sometimes we show the love in the right way, sometimes not. It's that human thing.
Once you've replaced someone's oxygen 50 times in one day (plus 34 other annoying acts) & that person is cursing, you know they are cursing AT YOU, even if they are looking elsewhere (probably because they cannot stand to look at you anymore
). The human thing.
). The human thing. It took 5 tries(his speaking very weakly) of my thinking he said: It's cold in Hell ? ~ although the idea of burning in heaven, oh never mind ~.( & me like a jerky 15 year old, all sensitive: Daddy, you're not going to Hell. & smoothing his head, hair) before I realized he was saying: It's cold as HELL!
Room system off low cool, blanket on. I think I did that part right......
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This entry has 56 comments: (Add your own)
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had a laptop malfunction, now im back hope your dad is well and your doing fine:) Beckie x
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Devotion. That is what you and your dad have :-). You both know your love is solid and isn't going away no matter what. Pure love.
xoxo -
Yep, no Dad is perfect. We are all human..and that is the way it is. We all want to show the good side to everyone of our parents, but there is always the other side. It may be mild, it may be over the top, but we lived it, and its just a fact, no one is perfect, but we love each other anyway dont we. :) Thanks for the condolences on losing Beast. I swear I am learning not to freak out when these things happen. I used to go into a flying crying fit. I am still sad, but I handle it better these days I guess. Love ya, Kelly
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*you are in my thoughts.
xoxoxo
5/7/08 9:34 AM
Peace