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Just Mary

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Wednesday, May 7, 2008 When it's over >
Thursday, May 15, 2008
May 2008
5/29/08
$10
5/25/08
Terms of Deniability(or I swear I didn't bring the beer)
5/18/08
Rebecca & then documenting reality post Dad(& a kitten fantasy)
5/15/08
When it's over
5/11/08
untitled
5/7/08
Dad was........
« May 2008 Archive
Sunday, May 11, 2008
9:56:00 AM EDT
Hearing Stop & Stare ~ OneRepublic


9:00 am call from Ocala

Chicklet:  Happy Mother's Day.  I know you aren't my Mom, but I need you & love you.  You'll always be there for me, right?  I'll always be here for you.

Me(thinking complicated adult things like her dad is now dating someone else, & hasn't told me yet, but{Hey, I did break up with him..): Well....

Chicklet: WELL?!  Oh.  Don't worry about her.  I am in the process of getting rid of her.

Me: (Ha Ha Ha  silently)  Honey, you are 16... just, please, worry about 16 year old things... I love you.

Chicklet:  She is almost out the door.  I love you. I love you. 

Me:  I love you too, sweetie.

Y Mother's Day, Interrupted

 
Over 20 years of Mother's Days without you has taught me that one day of thanks a year is nothing up against the strength, power & tenderness of the position or the woman.
 
It has taught me that I can choose to adapt unhealthy behaviors over time, until they become close to addictions to deal with loss, or I can just be thankful for the richness & unconditional love we did have.(that meant dropping righteous proprietary anger, took a while, Mom, but...)
 
I've learned that even a gradual, frightening unveiling of the dark side of nature & disease doesn't have to unfold into a mere tale of sadness, but can bring unannounced moments of  luxuriant true awareness, willing sacrifice, & raw love.
 
I've learned that while it would be easy to condemn some of our Mother/Daughter choices, it is even easier to look at the big sweeping pleasures hidden in the pain.  No companionship worth having is without complication.
 
I've learned I'll never stop missing you, loving you or needing you, sometimes with twig snapping frailty.  But in the thin air of fantasy, I can see you young, laughing & dancing wildly with Dad.  It is a convenient fiction, & the details flex quite a bit, but the accompanying music is so lovely, almost as lovely as you are.


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