Just Mary

Segue into Life Thereafter

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:27:37 GMT

In the middle of a conversation with a quite elderly friend of my Dad's, he said: I still have my wits about me. I know what you say is true, but right now I need Love more than truth. So I shut up & held him. Because sometimes it's better to help someone outlast the fear than to be later praised for your depth of insight & slick problem solving skills. I'd been going pragmatic rather than empathic, wrong turn.

There is the experience & then the representation of that experience. They are never near the same, but Love works even when things are lost or misunderstood in the retelling. I almost got stuck between apology & denial when he mentioned Love trumping truth in this situation. He didn't need self help rhetoric or an advisory council. I realized leaving the truth & ego undisturbed can be exactly correct, given a certain set of circumstances. Sometimes I graph quadrilateral equations instead of adding 2+2(& Kendra calls me on this. Waving to Kendra) I've done enough introspection to the point of self torture for the both of us in the past. Took a pass on this one.

This gentlemen is old & not consistently intrigued by anything any longer, beset with worries, & creative(I feel) emotional idiosyncrasies. Long aching with remorse for having relinquished fantasy in favor of a practical vocation & a family life he didn't truly want, but at that time, it was what a man did( he once threw his granddaughter's Hello Kitty purse on the ground & kicked it saying: I didn't ASK for grandchildren. you had to be there. it was actually funny) . He nurses quite reclusive tendencies(hey, me too) & feels(probably correctly) that all chances for critical acclaim are long gone, dreamed about but never attained. He was all creativity & aesthetic/intellectual stimulation when I was young-very Faulknerian; things change but his own active change is too much of an effort for him now. Now everything is adherence to routine & dependence on continuity, but still, clearly, the longing. His fears are like spreading puddles in a rainstorm, lots of self-sustained impediments,growing. I can hear the excess air popping the safety valves.

But he reached out enough to ask for Love. Good enough for me.

And I also know that while everyone should take responsibility for their own actions, there are always supporting players & contributors to every life's story.

(and this entry is also for Audrey, Lisa Jo & MJ. Although I don't know how to heal you, I will listen. I will always listen.)

Tags: Love, truth, listen, blogplugs

Briege isn't the only one who likes chicken

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 14:27:21 GMT

I'm latin~ Italian. I remember after I once told an adorable little Wasp kid that I was Italian he'd always ask me: Did you have pusgetti & meatballs for dinner? That was what all Italians had for dinner to him. He was about 10, so I get that his knowledge of Italian cuisine was a little limited. Actually, his knowledge is somewhat less limited than the knowledge of someone who owns a Chinese Restaurant in my area. I stopped in one week ago with Briege(it is a behavior modification technique ), since I wanted to pick up a 1 quart container to put Pema in. Got some chopsticks, too. TOTALLY freaked my neighbor, but I thought Pema looked so cute. They'd expanded their menu to include Latin Specialties. And just what is their first listed & most popular (yup, i asked about popularity) Latin specialty? Half a fried chicken with French fries. (cough)

Really? Gee, what holds position #2? That would be fried chicken wings with French fries. (did I cough already?)

Maybe I should hold my next family reunion at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Tags: kitten, Chinese, Latin, Italian, KFC

Jesse Speaks & Chicklet Plans Ahead

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 23:54:24 GMT

I was wondering what everyone is thinking about the Jesse Jackson ~opps his mike was on~ comment.

Check...check...one-two...check <~ Beth did a good entry on it. I am finding many people don't agree with my way of thinking on this(shocking ;-0). I realize it was a verbally inflicted injury, I also realize it was totally inappropriate no matter what, but I think we all say things when we don't know the mike is on, or anyone is listening. I've misspoke & misbehaved beyond the level of tolerability when I didn't think the world was watching. I feel much of the same mechanisms are at work in all people. So in email or comment, what is your take on what he did?

I've had "Chicklet" entry requests, so I am posting our conversation last night:

Chicklet: Kam( you can read about her bf Kam here>The Princess & the Iranian)

allows me to drag him to church every Sunday even though he has no idea what is going on. That's love.

Me: are you in love with him?

Chicklet: He is in love with me.

Me: And you think he is a cute guy with a sports car & horses?

chicklet: (exasperated) OK, no one would see those as negatives. I might be a little religious(pause) or something, hard to explain. He doesn't push me to do things I don't want to do. My parents raised me not to bend my morals to the cultural moment(said kinda bossy), & he respects my beliefs.

Me: I'm glad to hear that (thinking: so your dad doesn't have to Maim him), but I know you are smart, willful & capable of saying No if ever he Did try to exert too much of his will over yours. And I don't think you'd want to live in Iran (he & his family have plans to go back several years from now).

chicklet: How do I frame a polite response? Hmm. he's not on my 10 year plan or anything...

on a lazy river with Amelia < Some art work she & I are fond of :-)

Happy 4th & don't answer if I call, I want money.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 14:30:27 GMT

I've been spending some time in the primordial atmoshpere of the sea lately& Chicklet visited NJ :-). Other than that, it's been just the mundane reality of my life (except for a bit of Dad focus, which is not mundane in the least-orgy of emotions), plus the caricatures. Are caricatures everywhere, or are they the only ones I notice? All coprolalia & eating french fries out of bags at the post office.

For a while I'd thought I was in an uncertain period of transition, but then realized that's all the time for anyone who's doing anything that matters or stretches life in any way.

I've been busy with a collection project for a Dr friend. Dry martini sarcasm helps with this. Exacting reimbursement from Ins Co's that don't want to pay is fun research & pursuit for me (yeah, I'm like that. I love the organization & efficiency needed to do it right); personal collections, ick. I'm just as good at the latter, but I only enjoy the former. Not enjoying something doesn't make it less necessary, so I do it, BUT people who won't pay so much as $30 a month toward a bill from a doctor who saved their (or a a family member's) life infuriate me. Nose job, hey, no problem, cash willingly, daughter "needs" ballet lessons or she wants dinner out, put it on a credit card! but chemo, oh, not so much, all tapped out this month. Warning: Blanket statement- All people like that lie. As a matter of a fact, all people that constantly tell you they don't have 10 dollars lie. The folks I know who truly don't have 10 bucks usually keep too quiet about it. Didn't I just see you at Starbucks?

This is added in to annoy people in my town without a quarter to their names who want to lecture me(this trait gets kicked into high gear near any Holiday) about what a crappy country we live in. PERHAPS, if you got a job, you'd have less time & negative energy left to OCD on how unfortunate we are living in this heinous land. Try it, really. I'll wait right here.

For all the folks who will feel compelled to lecture me with the reflexive free speech comment, I strongly believe in free speech. I'm exercising it now. But free speech differs from obsessively screaming: Fire in the movie theater if you don't so much as go outside & try to turn a hose on the building. How much your self-absorbed ID feels you've suffered is not equal to your actual misfortune. Go tell it to the young woman in Calfornia, the one with one arm & no legs, who is a doctor(I'd love to do her collections).

Anyway,

I had a young man screaming at me that he would never have authorized his Mil's(Mil-what a bureaucratical expression)treatment if he'd thought they'd have to pay one cent. Said they kept her care in network, always, as he has always done his own.

I mentioned the, ya know, saving her life thing. Him: Plenty of people are alive having only exercised their in network benefits. (I.dont.like.you)

Really, well, that may be how you feel about your MIL, but what about yourself, dude? I mean let's say, oh, I don't know, you have ambiguous genitalia. Are you really going to have the managed care guy who plays golf with your GP do your phalloplasty?

Mary doesn't think so.

Tags: sea, money, values, holiday, phalloplasty

10 ounces of Kitten, the feline surveillance entry

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 13:31:57 GMT

My kitten, Pema, seems to bring out the graciousness in humans otherwise incapable of it. Not Briege. Briege is all about tude & sibling resentment right now, but I love her. Not one for instant familiarity, she seems to have a subconsciously derived memory block when it comes to~Don't try to kill the baby kitten ~but we are working on it. Her refined (cough) interfeline skills leave much to be desired, though she has licked Pema a few times. Probably to tenderize her for later consumption, or at best, an insincere pleasantry. If I leave them alone for one minute, Briege reacts like an Abu Ghraib guard. She is by far the least predictable variable in this household.

Briege is awful pretty when she takes on the innocence deliberately cultivated look, but it don't last. The scent of trouble appeals to her much more than the innocence gig. Not having been blessed with a heroic streak, Pema runs to me like her tail is on fire & tries to climb my leg. Every time I pick her up to comfort & protect her, Briege looks hurt & as if she's been relegated to the distant periphery of my life. Not so. BUT, you cannot kill the kitten....(she's very "talk to the paw" when I try to reason this out).

Wise little 10 oz Pema has judged the probability of Briege murdering her to be high. She is most comfortable on my shoulder, under my blouse, or behind the stove. Right now the two (esp the kittenicidal one) are a lot of work. A few people think I've inflicted difficulties upon myself with kittens x2. Not so. Having children gives me less time to be a bad person.

Sometimes you don't cause someone's distress, you just expose it for what it is. I did that with a man filled with dreariness & deprivation yesterday (every day). He's always got that ~Grim preoccupation of a logger rushing to rip down The remaining Rain Forest~ look about him. I handed him Pema(after he explained for 10 minutes why he can't hold kittens). This is where the graciousness came in. Total transformation. I could immediately see the previously hopeful-frolicsome version of the guy, within the pissed off man he'd become, slowly creeping out. Except he called her FEMA. A moment of appalled silence. Pema.

Tags: Pema, Briege, gracious, kittens, FEMA

Father's Day Memories

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 22:34:14 GMT

Ash ~>The Telling of Me... asked for an entry. I had decided not to do one near Father's Day. Now I changed my mind, I think. Not sure where this is going..... I'll admit to a lot of Father's Day fear this year. Once I thought about it a bit, I decided I prefer the intensity I am still feeling for Dad over silently giving in to some form of indifference. I'm done with accusing myself of unspecified tyranny, because I didn't, should have, maybe if I... I'm not causing distress for myself, but rather discarding any negatives & exposing the real relationship for what it was, along with what it still is.

I spent so much time trying to do everything just right, right now; living as if I were being pursued by Dad's inevitable death, that I am only just beginning to realize the lessons the whole experience has taught me. I'd love one day to use all of this as an impetus to live more fully, but right now I think I am doing well enough just living in a less self-accusatory manner. I can still see every one of my imperfections, but I was enough for Dad & he more than enough for me. I feel the scene softening by time & experience. Lately I've been recognizing all the positive passing shadows over our relationship.

I realize I am feeling a pain this year that many hearts know. I wish you all Peace.

A Mary to Watch Over You <~ Last Father's Day is now a beautiful memory for me. I wish every Father love, acceptance & the beauty of memory-making this Father's Day as well.

And I have a feeling adopting a 5 week old rescue kitten, Pema, will contribute to a bit of joy (if not peace) tomorrow. Pema would say hi, but at present she's straddling her little food bowl with a slurping intensity.

Tags: Father, lessons, shadows, Pema, Briege, kittens

I'm an only child. I don't share well.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 03:12:25 GMT

First of all, Sheria just wrote an entry wayyy more poetic than mine so you should check that out first.

~~> > On My Mind

My friend David & I just went to this "group help" thing. He did it for a writing assignment & I tagged along for fun(hmm, were we using these people? i honestly did not think of it at the time, since i figured i could use group help myself).

Ugh. I don't really want to watch anyone have an epiphany about their repressed memories. Maya Angelou poems make me sleepy. On both these counts, who knew? Also, if you happen to be planning attendance at one of these things you might want to wear a shirt that says : Don't Hug Me.

They strongly suggest you share. I said I don't hate nor resent my Mother or my Father, but I do abhor most inspirational music & polyester fanny packs on men. Up until I shared everyone had been nodding with the other sharers in approval. I seem to have broken that trend for the group. David wrote down everything I said & then whispered: They hate you.

David shared that his Mother was cold & distant(don't those 2 words always go together when someone is dissing a wife or mother?), but that has had no affect on the wonderful warm relationship he has with his beautiful wife(Don's daughter Chloe, btw). Then I told everyone he's only been married since December 26th last year, & they all laughed at him.

By the end of the sharing, all, but David & I, held snotty tissues, most somewhat gingerly but a few

were fierce clutchers. They'd all pawed over the boxes of donuts without using the tongs. Combine that with the smell on money saving brand cigarettes that hung in the air. I chewed gum instead. I think we should have done a lockdown & nose swiped every one of them for MRSA.

I listened as a Mom with a small dot of donut creme on her chin dispaired about her son smoking pot. I kept waiting for something much worse to come next. Nope. After a while I allowed that most teens try pot & sex, yet don't grow to shoot up a McDonalds. Several disagreed with me. (fighting my inner voice~ humming to self) David whispered: They hate you.

Then the Mom asked me if I felt I was better off now than I was 20 years ago. I thought about that & then asked: Do you mean right now, sitting here? David whispered: They hate you.

But at least no one else hugged me.

Tags: Sheria, race, sharing, donuts

A sad morning for a friend

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:51:54 GMT

My Friend Jimmy has been taking care of his ex father-in-law for months. Sort of quietly, painfully, lovingly, every day. But on the day of my Father's funeral, knowing that I didn't exactly have a close knit extended family, he made other arrangements for "Pop" & came to just sit with me & be supportive. When we talk about online friends I don't really think anyone can top that.

He received some very bad, final news today. I'd like him to have all the support possible. Please, no need for comments here, just visit Jim> This Morning

Tags: blogplugs

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHICKLET

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 16:32:45 GMT

Chicklet is 17 today. Her Dad told us that since I bought her a bit of an expensive gift a while back, it would be considered her birthday gift, & I shouldn't buy her another (I can't hearrrr you). Honey, check with your Mom, I may have sent her a big box with your name on it.

I've been at the beach putting my thoughts down in my handwritten journal mostly:

A person who has never been materially & emotionally responsible for an entire family's welfare should not say(all of which I've heard in 1 week's time): 1) Gosh, that guy is always so uptight. or 2) I'm contributing more to society by doing charity work than if I worked a full-time job. or 3) Why does anyone work for someone who mistreats them? I have more self-respect than that.

Whenever I feel dislike for someone I need to stop & consider if there is an element of competitiveness present.

I need to defer more often, rather than presume.

I am pro social justice but I am also for economic independence. I hate when someone acts like my believing in the importance of the latter cancels out the former. I've been sick, I've been sad, I've been a caregiver, a generous contributor, a volunteer, an activist, I've been fired, I've been wrong & wronged, mistreated, poor, carless to driving a Mercedes & thru it all I've made sure I have taken care of myself (& my Dad) financially (often with 2 jobs). I do not believe that everyone (for varied reasons) can do this, but in no way do I believe that all of the people, or even most of the people, who are not doing so currently apply all the effort they could to care for themselves & their families. This does not make me angry, it makes me sad.

Moderation & consistency. It's a good thing.

Certain beliefs & attitudes are crippling to personal growth. Said in a voice attempting to impart urgency:

Everyone hates me except my wonderful friends online, is one of them. <~Ok, maybe this one wasn't in my handwritten journal.

Half the time influence is measured by access, the other half access is measured by influence. These last few years I have had very little of either, plus lots of other things give way. Thankfully, I am ok with this. A life stripped down to its more basic components is sweeter than the alternative once you get used to it.

Relative moralism has nothing to do with trying to make your parents & siblings feel badly for their past indiscretions.

People in my town still talk about Terri Schiavo's abbreviated life. What would have been better, a prolonged death?

Never, ever stay up all night scripting your good ideas for the next day's corporate meeting (can you tell I've done this?) since almost all corporate meetings involve money, & all meetings involving money have been designed to deliver a predetermined outcome.

Do good because you can, every day. Don't expect a Ceres Medal for every little act of kindness. Mom used to say: Do good & forget it. Great advice.

Every time I hear of one abused or starved child I say a little thank you to Margaret Sanger.

Root Beer floats taste better with 2 ounces of Ketel One.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHICKLET

Tags: birthday, Terri Schiavo, moderation, beach, kindness, Margaret Sanger

$10

Thu, 29 May 2008 17:32:22 GMT

There is an older gentleman(I met him thru charity work I've done with elder neglect) who likes to hang out at a local Mom & Pop store, right across from the apartment building he lives in. I usually stop in the store & pick something up & talk to him for a while; he has great years ago stories. I've had him over my house several times & one day when I picked him up he told a lady standing near his entrance that I was his little girl. He sort of smells badly & repeats himself a lot, but I am kind of used to that stuff by now.

I took him out with Daniel(Don's 10 year old) a couple of times, & he found the little boy to be a pure delight. Daniel said to him: You smell like my Grandfather(ha ha, that would be his Maternal Grandfather who stopped showering in 1986).

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I often give him $10 when I see him. Since Dad got major ill the day before Easter, anytime I saw him, which was much less, although I did hunt him down a few times since he never answers his phone & I wanted to make sure he was ok, I'd just give him money & say: Are you ok? No real chatty time, which is what he longs for. Even after Dad died, when I've seen him, I've handed him money & made no real effort.

Today he is sitting in the little store eating his regular sandwich(he will sit there for hours looking out the window) when I stop in. I hate to say(but it is true & I have little tolerance for people who change the telling of reality to make themselves look better)I handed him $10 in a very perfunctionary manner. He pushed it away & told me I wasn't his friend anymore. Told me I give him money but I don't want to talk to him. Said I was like his son & dil now, rush rush from the old man. He said they liked doing work at the church better because people saw that & told them they were good people.

So I burst out crying(my mom would have been 84 today & I always try to actually do NICE things on her birthday. Briege has yellowfin tuna to celebrate :-), & told him my Dad died last month & I was sorry.

So he held me & hugged me. We both felt a lot better.

Tags: elder, neglect, perfunctionary, Mom, birthday