my brain is in pain

12:43:28 PM EDT
Feeling Bored

Now I wonder what this was all about?

One man, one mission, and still no leaky Diaper!

And remember........

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always, thanks for listening!

 

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9:59:22 AM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

This up coming weekend Debbie and I are having some well to do friends over for a dinner party and by far are they the common Jim Beam and Coke type people, they are those ritzy Hoy Floy type wino's and none of that mad dog 20/20 stuff either but rather the $100.00 bottle stuff that no one in this household could afford.

Last night I was browsing on line for good wines and how to serve the classy stuff to our dinner guests but to no avail could I find any wine that I could pronounce, so I turn to Debbie and ask her about good wine.

Her answer..........

"There is nobody better at WHINE then you John!"

Can you feel the freakin' love here?

And remember......

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always, thanks for listening!

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12:18:44 PM EDT
Feeling Crappy

Years ago, not to far back in my life time, our food was safe, no msg's, no nitrites, nor those funky bacteria that will give the drizzling shits, hoof & mouth disease give me a  freakin'break ,how in the hell will that kill you? Now trust me on this one 'cause I know, I always had my foot in my mouth a few times a week and I'm ok I Think.

Now We have this mad cow bullshit and I honestly think it is bullshit, do you real care what mood the cow was in before they killed it and sent it out to the public, I think not!

All I care about is when I order a #7 and super size it I get a #7 with the large fries ,large coke and napkins!

Jeeper Cats man I tell you ,maybe we should start getting or food from China .

And remember.............

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always, thanks for listening!

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9:52:55 AM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Chili Cook-Off


If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI  


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My n ose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer. 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Ju dge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted toreally hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report 

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5:48:27 PM EDT
Feeling Frisky

A Meme For Shits And Giggles

1. Do you like bleu cheese??  yes , but not the stuff between my toes.
2. Have you ever smoked?? meat products,tobacco and some herbs

 3. Do you own a gun? had a rifle and a pistol, m109 155m howitzer
4. What was your favorite Kool-Aid ? The blue kind to make windex by mixing vodka
 5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?yes because in pa. they are still practicing medicine
6. What do you think of hot dogs?? they are okay but can't run very fast
7. Favorite Christmas movie?? none but the one i hate the most is a Chirstmas story, shoot your eye out kid.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?? I'm an alcoholic but I drink tea in the am.
 9. Can you do push ups??Yes love that push up icecream.
10. Who's your favorite neighbor? Kenny, he's an asshole that don't like the fourth of july
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? brass knuckles or a hip knife
12. Favorite hobby?? slinging dog crap in my neighbors yard
 13. What station is your radio on in your car right now??Rock 107 106.9 
14. Do you have A.D.D.?? no just ants in my pants
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I'm perfect in every way
16. Middle name? litte, first name is you, last name is bastard
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. booze sex more booze
18 Who let the dogs out? the baja boys
 19.Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? only three, i like the 1st one thur the 15th but the sixteenth one hurts
 20. Current concern?? who is the gipper and why should we win one for him
21. Current hate right now? I hate the thought of answering this one
 22. Favorite place to be?  with jimmy at area 51
23. How did you bring inthe New Year?  Can't say they are still looking for the bodies
24. Where would you like to go? The jim beam factory, i got them working nights now
25. Name three people who will complete this? yosh,stosh and doodah
 26. Do you own slippers?? what ?do i look like Cinderella to you?
27. What shirt are you wearing? Try burning this flag on the front and on the back vote for Larry Flynt for prez.
 28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no , causes static electricity and debbie beats me after sex
29. Can you whistle??   no it gives my mood away, i like to screw with people
30. Favorite color? gray , im colored blind
31. Would you be a pirate? yes, i would like to take a naval fleet over and go bomb the middle east and set up shop in all the oil producing countries there, my name would be wal-mart and my solgan would be  the happy face and we are slashing prices and your necks deal with it
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? how dry I am
35. What's in your pocket right now? I'm a nudist
36. Last thing that made you laugh?? the next question
37. Best bed sheets as a child??  clean ones 
 38. Worst injury you've ever had? ask the doctors who made me me disabled 
39. Do you love where you live? yes i do kenny lives across the street, he makes my day complete, read my 4th of july post
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? none now that i can down load porn
41. Who is your loudest friend? that is the devil inside my head
42. How many dogs do you have? 10 only comes in a pack
43. Does someone have a crush on you?? yes bubba in the next cell

44..Guilty pleasure? Debbie is on top tonight we have bunk beds you know.
45. What is your favorite book? hooked on hustler oops i'meant phonics 
46. What is your favorite candy?? the one dancer at toppers, but the other at the inbetween was sweet too
47. What is your favorite football team? the one that wins me the cash at the end
48. Favorite brand of jeans? I'm not a scientist, i don't know what my genes look like
 49. What were you doing at 12 a.m.?  Now that just went to far debbie and my sex life is private
 50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? is this a chubby or do i got to go pee?

Love this stuff but alot of it is too personal ,names ,medical maladies,and other stuff sounds like phishing to me,

So you'll only get a funny version from me.

And remember.........

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always thanks for listening!

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11:52:39 AM EDT
Feeling Groggy

On your journal or mine write 3 words that discribes how you feel or what's going on.

My 3 words are............

Kids are smiling.

And remember.........

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always, thanks for listening!

Written by garnett109 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 10 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

11:32:34 AM EDT
Feeling Groggy

Yesterday was a blast, we started at noon with fire crackers , silver crackers and small stuff for the kids, towards night with banger candles, ariel bombs and some more small stuff for the kids, then at night mortars , rockets and shock wave cakes.

Just on my street we had over a hundred people that pulled chairs up and had a blast, every house in the neighborhood had parties and fireworks, sounded like a war zone, the kids were yelling we want more so my neighbor lit up the sky, we had more explosives than the city had at their display.

I spent a few hundred , my next door neighbor bought 2000 dollars worth and it was beautiful man, just beautiful, the kids , oh man the kids faces when the big guns went off, it was great to see the happiness on their faces although I think a few diapers had a few loads of stink bombs in them.

Next year we are going to get a permit and rent some place out for the day because come next year I'll have a lot saved.

The only cry baby on our street was Kenny, he kicked and cried all the way over to the neighborhood bar. When he got there the boys egged him on some more and he left, I wonder who called the boys up to give them a heads up on Kenny's dislike of the 4th? Wink!

They ribbed him good calling him a commie and an anti American, well good ole Kenny gets it now that the Island don't put up with party poopers!

This moring it took us a few hours  to use the leaf blower, rakes and bags to pick up dunage.

Tonight we are shooting off the left overs , it should take an hour.

Well friends that's it for today.

Hope all had a great 4th.

And remember........

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always , thanks for listening!

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11:18:28 AM EDT
Feeling Nostalgic
 


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1:34:40 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

First of all I want shout out to Nancy @ My Life And Loving It for winning the contest.

I want to thank all my friends in cell block D at Dallas ,Pa. State Corrections Institution for remembering an old friend, guys I told you the game was over at 9 AM. Tuesday morning, by the way I did not win , the deal is off!

But seriously folks I want to thank all the people that voted for the others, it was a close race to the win and a shit load of fun and congrats to all the others!

And remember............

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always, thanks for listening!

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11:46:46 AM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

Debbie sent me to the doctors the other day, Just let's say I'm having trouble in the sack,ok, ok,I'm suffering from acute premature ejaculation and " Ahem,cough and choke" Erectile Dysfunction.

I tell the doc what the hell was going on ,being embarrassed as hell as I was telling him this, he chuckled and wrote out a script then a refferal for a sex therapist and I was on my way to the Rx and the sex clinic.

I get the script filled and I shit you not, Pfizer has viagra out in a liquid form made by Pepsi Cola called mount and do, then I went to the sex clinic and the doc there told me to be here at 5p.m. that night, I get there and no one was there, I guess I came early.

And remember...........

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And as always, thanks for listening!

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