To Kevin... With Love...Mom

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 23:01:19 GMT

Hi You!

I know it's been awhile since I've written to you. But here I am now.

The family Thanksgiving took place at your sister's home and went fairly well. I say fairly well because your 12 year old niece, Chelsea, fell apart and that of course got me going. There's always going to be the one who's missing - for Chelsea and I - it will always be you. Your sister Suzanne took her outside and calmed her down by speaking of you and sharing thoughts about you. When she returned she was fine and we went on with our dinner... which by the way was excellent.

We (Chelsea and I) lit a memorial candle in rememberance of our loved ones who are no longer here physically but remain with us spiritually. Before we left for home, Chelsea said prayers and blew out the candle. Lighting the candle was a physical sign that helped ease the absence of you...

I felt your presence with us... just differently. I know you're always around. I can feel your energy. It's an inside job. It happens from within... I can deal with that. It's better than nothing at all.

Dear Kevin,
This is for you...with great love.

May the winds of love blow softly
And whisper so you'll hear,
We will always love and miss you
And wish that you were here...author unknown

AND GOD SAID

I said, "God, I hurt."

And God said, "I know."

I said, "God I cry a lot."

And God said, "That's why I gave you tears."

And I said, "God, I am so depressed."

And God said, "That's why I gave you sunshine."

I said, "God, life is so hard."

And God said, "That's why I gave you loved ones."

I said, "God my loved one died."

And God said, "So did mine."

I said, "God, it's such a loss."

And God said, "I watched mine nailed to a cross."

I said, "But God, you're loved one lives."

And God said, "So does yours."

I said, "God,where are they now?"

And God said, "Mine is on the right, and yours is on the light."

I said, "God it hurts."

And God said, "I know."
Author Unknown

God Bless You and Keep You.

I ask the Father to heed the prayers in my heart that go out to you and for you, and to all in need, Lord, hear my prayers...

I love you, Kevin, more than life itself. You are a BIG MISS!...
mom

Surviving?... Barely

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 04:19:35 GMT

I was thinking that when mothers are at their weakest that's when they are at their strongest, a strength beyond human understanding, a strength that makes them survivors, a strength that comes only through God's grace...I was thinking about a sentence I read that goes like this, "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it"...

An Endless Love...

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 04:47:16 GMT

I was thinking that God made mothers, giving them all the skills and qualities necessary to bear His children, entrusting them to us for whatever time He designates... to love them, teach them, and guide them until such time He calls them home to be with Him... and I was thinking about that bond between a mother and her child and how the love they share is infinite...a timeless and endless love...

Something To Think About...

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 21:00:53 GMT

Hi Kevin, I thought I'd take a break from the pain...Instead, I'd like to share some thoughts that are formulating in my mind...I might be catching RC's "overthinking disease"...hey, whatever works.

First, the thought of relocating from California to Arizona still haunts me. Joe and I are going there the end of this month to do some serious checking out. As much as I hate to give up our home that you and I shared for seven years, I feel it's the best thing to do for me and you. If it's not meant to be then I'm not going anywhere...but, I feel a change is happening and I dare not interfere with the process. If you want to put your 2 cents worth in, now's the time to do so. But, unless something's changed, that's where you wanted to go, too.

Second, I need to get back to some kind of a health ritual, especially when it comes to exercise...hate the word! I need to knock-off some of this weight I gained this past year. If my back and legs hold up, I'll start with some walking...slow and easy. I want to enjoy and not hurt. It's much easier to do and stick to doing when it's enjoyable.

Third, I have several ideas swirling around in my head...whether it's here or there, I'd like to do a memorial garden, for you, with a fountain and bench where I can sit and meditate. I'd also like to take part of your clothes and have pillows made from them...like "hug pillows" so I can hug them. My arms miss hugging you and holding you so the pillows would be a big help...I heard that, Kevin..."aint nothing like the real thing, baby" so there.

That's all I'll share for now. I have to tell you this story about this "helicopter"...you'll love it. I love you more than life itself...stay in touch and in tune...from my heart to yours...mom

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 02:44:25 GMT

When Kevin was still here, we talked about moving there and he was all for it. Somehow, I couldn't see Kevin giving up his beloved Pacific Ocean. But then, he wasn't spending much time there anymore. He use to live at the beach. He loved to surf. He loved the water. He was a strong and excellent swimmer.

Feeling Better...

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 02:18:14 GMT

In spite of the fact that I've done a lot of crying these last few weeks, today was a better day. After releasing so many tears, a feeling of hope has replaced some of the anguish and despair I was feeling. Today, I felt more energetic than I have in quite some time. I found myself taking care of business and looking forward to some of the inevitable changes that are about to take place in my life.

Grief Ramblings...

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 06:44:37 GMT

I find myself going through the motiions on a day-to-day existence but my heart is just not into it. I miss you so much. I remember when I missed the old you...not the stranger you came back as. But, little by little I saw traces of your self coming through this stranger and I grew to love this new you just as much. Now I miss the both of you something awful. I experienced the parting of both of you...The first you left me on July 28, 1996, but you came back different.
The other you left me on February 28, 2003. I had you seven more years than the doctors gave you and for that I will always be grateful. I remember what you said to me in answer to a question I asked you, "I'm a little changed, a little different but it's still me, Kevin, your son...I'm still the same me inside. You were quite the miracle at the hospital. Nobody expected you to survive the night much less accomplish and get as far as you did. God wasn't ready to take you just yet...
Kevin, this pain is horrendous! God, it hurts so much! But that's because you're loved so much. Somehow, in my mind, I connect pain with love...they kinda go together. There are some days that I feel like I might not survive the pain. My heart feels like it's going to explode into billions of pieces. I heard and continue to hear that "time heals all things"...that's a crock of bull!...those saying so probably never had the experience of loosing a child and God willing they never will...

Celebrating My B-Day...

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 03:55:56 GMT

Hi Kevin, I just had my 63rd B-Day. If you were here, you would have said, "whoa, mom, you that old"? Your sister took, April, Pam, and myself to the Pechanga Indian casino. It was a nice casino and we had fun. If you had been here you would have tagged along you usually did. Boy, Kev, do I ever miss you!

Happy New Year's Kevin!

Fri, 02 Jan 2004 06:10:04 GMT

Happy New Year's, Kevin...

I can't believe how fast time passes. I spent the day just kicking back, watching T.V. and learning more about the computer.

I got an Xmas card from your nurse, Beatrice. She's still having a hard time with your being gone. Sometimes, I wish we could all be here together again...but only sometimes. I miss you, son...so very, very much.

Back Again...

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 03:08:36 GMT

Dear Kevin,

It's been awhile since I've written anything to you. I am just now getting around to feeling a little bit better.

Being confined to bed gave me plenty of time to think about you and me. God must be giving me a small break from the pain of you since I've been sick. Guess He must feel I had enough just trying to take care of me and getting myself to feeling better. I still think of you constantly. It's neverending. I don't even know I'm doing it. I don't believe I'll ever stop missing you; I know I won't.

One of my Journal friends sent me this writing about being a "coffee bean." It has to do with how one handles adversity in life. In fact, I'm not going to say too much because I want to add it to my journal.

kevin, I know I am suppose to pick up the pieces to my life but I don't know how yet. I feel that I'm close but not quite there yet. There's so much that's surfacing still. I'm handling it a bit better but I'm no "coffee bean" yet. God, please make me a coffee bean.

I want to thank my friends in journal land for remembering you and me on your first anniversary...they were the only ones that did. That hurts but it's okay. We remembered and we had a good time. I'm signing off for now. I want to add that "coffee bean" thing to your journal before I get too tired. I love you so much and miss you equally as much. From my heart to yours...mom