To Kevin With Love...Mom Part 2: The Painful Grace of Flight...

Dear Kevin,

I find myself constantly looking back and thinking back to my past.  A place where you and I once existed. I often wonder if God is okay with me visiting the past so frequently...  I would suspect so otherwise He wouldn't have allowed me the memory of it.

I look back and see where God was so significant in my life - and yours.  I look at my days then, compared to now.  Those days were filled with miracles and blessings galore.  I would not have survived those days without God as my anchor and my guide... my very all.  This was an unforgettable time in the history of my life... one that will never be erased or forgotten from my mind, from my heart, from my soul.  So, what good does it do me to go back?  Of what value is this to me now?

Returning to the familiar of my past, shows me the way in my present.  I recognize God's faithfulness.  I recognize HIS hand in all that was.  If HE was able to bring me through and out of that past, then HE can show me the way to my destiny whatever that may be.  These moments of reflection on my past give me renewed strength and courage to go onward and forward.  If God was with me in the past, then HE is the same God who is with me in my present...

God's purpose for me is not to go back and recreate a past that no longer pertains to me - hold on to it for dear life or get stuck in it.  This is neither healthy nor productive.  Besides, I can't go back... life moves forward not backwards... as does God's purpose for me.  What once was, is no longer there... you, Kevin, are not there.  You have moved on and so must I.

I will visit the past from time to time to honor a time where God, you, and I came together for a meaningful while.  I will use that time to renew my love for HIM... in my present.  I dare not linger in the past as my yesterdays are much different than the demands of my todays... life waits for no one and this world of mine is ever changing.

Here's to you and my destiny... until we meet again.

I love you SOOOOOOO much, Kevin... more than life itself.
See you in my dreams.

mom

This is the last entry I will be posting in this journal.  I will continue my letters to Kevin in the following journal:

http://journals.aol.com/gbgoglo/ToKevinWithLoveMomPart3WeepNotFo/

I will retire this journal and move on to, I hope, a well-lived present.  Thank you all for your support and your kind and caring comments.  I especially thank you for the love you've shown towards myself, Kevin, and my family.  You're the best!  Look forward to seeing you in Part 3 of my journal... May God bless you all...

From my heart to yours with great love and appreciation,

gloria and Kevin   

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Dear Kevin,

I find myself going between both of your journals... like me - going in and out of my grief.   I have so much to catch up on. 

Kevin, I feel your presence still.  There is so much of you here.  It takes little effort to see you or feel your presence or hear you.  Sometimes I can still smell the scent of your cologne.  Thank you, Kevin, for your visits in my dreams -  night or day.  Thank you for making your presence known to Chelsea.  I love you soooooooo much!   

Right after Mother's Day, 2005, I took time to evaluate my life - then and now.  I thought about some of the choices that faced me and how I survived in spite of my choices.

My first choice was to die.  I just didn't want to live with this God awful pain.  I didn't want to live without my son.  I didn't have the courage to end my life.  But, I thought, maybe I could will myself to die.  So, I took to my bed and laid there every day for what seemed like weeks, - I'm sure it was only days -  willing myself to die,  begging God to please take me.  I survived only because God needed me to survive.  It wasn't my time to go, and God wasn't about to take me.

After days of laying around and willing myself to die, boredom set in.  So, I opted for a second choice... to go mad like in insane mad or get mad like in raging mad.  There were times that I was sure I was going insane, alternating between going mad and being mad.  Then I joined two support groups online - Angelmoms and POS (Parents of Suicides).  When I started reading the stories, I found out that insanity was quite the norm for a grieving mother and rage was the "in" thing.  So much for my second choice.  After awhile, time has a way of nudging you onward.  Which brings me to my next choice.

I read an interesting article about how when a deer is hurt, it goes into a cave and stays until it is healed or dead.  Well, guess what my next choice was?  Yep.  I became a cave dweller.  The cave is the home I shared with Kevin.  I went out once a week.  The rest of the time I stayed in my "cave."  I read, played with my computer, and did just what I felt like doing.  I didn't have much contact with the outside world and I started to feel good about being a cave dweller.  Which brings me to where I'm at now.  I have made the choice to live life, seek the positive out of the  negative circumstances I found myself in, and to help myself and others understand there is life after death...


No one is asking us to forget, to turn away from all that we loved and cherished in the one we lost.  We couldn't do that even if we wanted to.

The task before us - and it can take a very long time - is to incorporate this grief and loss into the rest of our lives so that it doesn't continue to dominate our lives.  It's no longer the first thing we think of when we wake up in the morning, or the last thing we relinquish before we sleep.

From Healing After Loss
~Martha Whitmore Hickman

I release my excess weight to Mr. J and all in need....

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Remembering Father's Day

The United States is one of the few countries in the world that has an official day on which fathers are honored by their children. On the third Sunday in June, fathers all across the United States are given presents, treated to dinner, or otherwise made to feel special. While the origin of Father's Day is not clear – many believe it was Mrs. John B. Dodd, of Washington, who first proposed the idea of a "father's day" in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife (Mrs. Dodd's mother) died in childbirth with their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington State. It was after Mrs. Dodd became an adult that she realized the strength and selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent.

The first Father's Day was then officially observed on June 19, 1910 in Spokane, Washington. At about the same time in various town and cities across America, other people were beginning to also celebrate a "father's day." In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day; but it wasn't until 1966, that President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the third Sunday of June as the 'official' Father's Day.

Today Father's Day has become a day to not only honor your father, but all men who act as a father figure. Stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, and adult male friends are all to be honored on Father's Day. Our hope within this holiday, as children, is that we recognize the sacrifices made for us by our parents, namely our fathers. The father or patriarch of a family is often seen as the source of strength and support through all times – both good and bad.

During present day, we have experienced an evolution of the family. No longer does the American household necessarily embody the 1950's ideal of the nuclear family system, father, mother, 2.5 kids, and a dog. Life and society have changed our perceptions of what may be deemed "necessary" for a family to exist and thrive, and with this realization we still wish to seek out the men in our lives to honor them and the many deeds that they perform. Father's Day is a time of celebration and love, but for some it can also be a time of great heartache. Father's Day can be a particularly sad day for those of us who have lost a father figure or for those fathers who have lost a child. For these reasons, Father's Day can often be a day filled with sadness and grief, rather than joy and celebration.

When child loss occurs, for some reason most of the sympathy expressed is pointed in the direction of the mother of the child. Maybe the feeling is that mothers mourn losses more or perhaps the reasoning is that fathers are the stronger parent figure. The reality is that fathers grieve the death of their child too, and they need support during this difficult and lonely time. Because men by nature are the ones who "fix" problems, fathers often look at grief as a fixable problem. A man may withhold his feelings of pain, and will instead work long hours away from home, or will think of work projects to keep his time occupied. Many men are not as social as women and do not seem to need as much social interaction as women. Therefore during these difficult times and days, many men can find it a great support to privately journal their feelings when child loss occurs. This can also be a beneficial activity for the child who is missing their father, but does not know how to express these feelings long after the initial shock and grief have passed (Hinton, 2004). What is found to be difficult for a man or child to verbalize can often be more easily expressed on paper. Journaling thoughts can be a good outlet to a person during the personal emotional adjustment of child or parent loss.

"Hands on" work is another positive way of working through grief and loss. For example, engaging in a commemorative work project may be a way of expressing feelings. A father or child may choose to do something positive such as build a special photo box or bookshelves that will hold pictures and other remembrances of the loved one who has died.

It is important to recognize that fathers and children go through emotional upheavals during the grief of a child or parent loss. Fathers may grieve differently than mothers, but a day dedicated to them can be just as emotionally heartbreaking. They might not want a lot of special treatment on Father's Day. Men are generally less apt to talk about their feelings of hurt and loss than women, but those feelings are still there and should not be ignored.

Special holidays stir up many different emotions for fathers and children, and so Father's Day, especially, can be difficult following the loss of a loved one. With help and support from family and friends, a father or child can move forward in their grief. Often what means most to a person grieving or struggling through Father's Day is simply the recognition of this emotional time. Be sensitive to the different experiences and lives of others – remember that no two families are the same and thus be sensitive to the fact that we all travel through life on different roads. On Father's Day we celebrate the important men in our lives, but we also must celebrate and be kind to each other. The outward face of family may be evolving or changing, but the love that defines family if forever. Take the time now to honor those important people in our lives – on Father's Day and every day.

Happy Father's Day to all my favorite fathers and father images - here...Vince, Derek, Mike, Jim D., Tony D., Bob J., Mr. Al, "Joshua",  Darby,  Craig, and last but not least, Kevin's Dad...

Happy Father's Day to all my favorite fathers who are not of this world beginning with God, my dad, Kevin, Rick, Elmer, Bob, my brother Jim, Jerry, Mr. K., and Clayton...

gloria

I love you Kevin, more than life itself...  I continue to miss you!

mom

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There is no way out, only a way forward.
~Michael Hollings

Dear Kevin,

It is the early hours of the morning and sleep eludes me.  I hear the freeway traffic in the distance... Life begins another God-given day.

In the wee hours of the morning, I was thinking...  (I know, that's dangerous) anyway, I was thinking about the pain... the pain that's always with me, always there.  I was thinking back when it was so intense, it liked to have sucked the breathing, living life out of me!  I was thinking how, now, it has softened to a more gentle pain and only at certain times does it rear it's ugly self and become intense...  I can live with that.

There was a time that I wondered...  Is there no damn relief from this miserable, God-awful pain?  Is there nowhere I can go to - disappear to?  What I really wanted was to go back in time...

I wanted to go back to that other world before your death... before your hurt yourself.  I wanted to go back to a world before it became my world of "before" and "after"...  I wanted to go back to a world where life was simpler and my comfort zone was not disturbed too greatly.  But, unfortunately, that world no longer exists.  Still - I keep trying to go back.  I keep searching it out.  I keep trying to remember what it was like.  I yearn to go back.  But then, I am called back - a voice within me speaks...  "You can't go back.  This is your world now.  This is where you live now.  This is where your life is now.  This is where you belong now"...convincing myself, I began to move forward...second by second.

And, here I am now...  This is where the seconds have taken me - two years and four months later.  I am in a new time frame.  My world is different, somewhat changed.  My relationships have changed.  My relationship with you is changed.  My relationship with myself is changed.  I could have stayed put.  For awhile I did.  I lingered, hoping to stay there forever.  But one can't stay in the past forever.  Time is constantly moving forward - life goes on.  I was forced to move forward and go on, too...

I find myself in this new world with so many "unknowns" - unknown territory, unknown adventures - a life unknown.  And, as I think about it all, I marvel that I've made it this far.  I marvel at a God that nudged me through it all - second by second. 

Here I am, me, Gloria, watching a new sunrise welcome in a new day.  And I wonder... what now?  Where do I go from here?  What lies in wait for me? 

I go to a destiny that, patiently, awaits my arrival.

I love you Kevin - more than life itself and am missing you still.

mom

               

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