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5:30:00 AM EDT
SHARING AND VENTING...
When the days are sad and lonely
And everything goes wrong,
I seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on."
Every time I see your picture
You smile and seem to say
"Don't cry, I'm only sleeping
We'll meet again someday."
You bid no one a last farewell
Nor even said good-bye.
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could've saved you
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
No one can ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you
But you did not go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.
author unknown
Dear Kevin,
I have been rather busy - playing catch-up on journal reading, emails, etc. I got behind when I was down because of my back. It's a slow process catching up.
I received an email regarding this lady named Susan, who lost her brother to suicide. Her brother's name is Scottie.
I wrote her an email and she wrote back. She sounds really nice and has joined the fight against suicide through her fight on behalf of the mentally ill. Plus, she is using her journal to share her experiences lived with her brother's illness. I will be posting her journal link at the end of this letter to you - that others may go check out her journal and support her as they have supported me.
Kev, I have been very tired lately. The "secret anniversaries of the heart" are very trying and weary. They leave me feeling like a limp dishrag. There are times I feel so powerless that all I can do is give in to this exhaustion and drift off into a slumber that relieves me temporarily from this nightmarish reality. I don't have the strength to dream or think... much less do.
I came out of my cave to partake in a Memorial Day celebration here, amongst neighbors.... BIG MISTAKE! I wasn't ready to be bombarded with well meaning advice. Everyone wants to play counselor. "It's not good for you to isolate yourself so. You need to get back to living"... uh, does this mean I am dead and don't know it? What they mean, is that they want Gloria back the way she was before. Sorry, folks, no can do. Don't know if I'll ever be that person again. I may come close, but there will be subtle or perhaps not so subtle differences.
I am told to give myself time... well, ask a mother who lost her child 40 years ago what time's done for her. I am told to suppress my thoughts of you...as if that is so easily done. I am told to take up a hobby, go back to school, go on a trip, stay busy, do something... Well, guess what? NONE of it works... absolutely nothing works.
I have my moments when I enter the chamber of my "inner sanctum". This "inner sanctum" is my special place... my "holy of holies" where I spend time wrestling with the process of my inevitable grief... denial, anger, guilt, despair, anguish, acceptance... My emotions become out of control, attacking me from all directions, without caring about my wounded heart and my fragile soul. I allow my feelings to have their way, knowing I will come through it a survivor and once more - I will win the match and be back to wrestle another day.
The time is coming when, eventually, I WILL do something. I will seek out the living. The images of the past that once walked and shared this world with me - a world and time that was once theirs - will always live in my treasure chest of memories. These ghosts of my past will always walk beside me, sharing the same space as they did before, only differently. I feel led by them, especially you, Kev, to go on... return to life and fulfill my destiny whatever that may be. There's no reason why I can't have the best of both worlds... Ya think, Kev? I love you, Kevin, more than life itself. I will always miss your PRESENCE. Goodnight son... and to all the images of my past.
http://journals.aol.com/Smjr43/JourneyThroughTheValleyofShadows
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Gloria Honey,
I love you and I hurt with you. That is a beautiful poem,love the words so much.
I am here if you need me for any reason.
God Bless you
Love
Mickie -
Gloria, I am more than missing you. This is the only means I have of checking on you. Can't get mail out and most of it doesn't get to me either. Still working on it. People do mean well, hon, and I know you realize that. But it would have been far better if they'd just enjoyed your company, allowing you to be yourself. They willl never see the Gloria they want back. Major changes change us, and the bigger the crisis- the more we're changed. I hate that you're having to feel all you're feeling but know it is what loss does. Never could say I know how you feel because I don't. I just hurt because you do; because you mean so much to me. I'm so glad you got in touch with Susan. And I thank you for posting the link to her journal. I plan on doing that too when my computer gets fixed. take care of yourself and know I am thinking of you, loving you and praying for you. Big hugs, hon.
*Barb* http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK -
Sweet Friend,
Noone knows the pain you are feeling, they mean well, but they dont,
Our hearts need to heal, and sometimes they never do.
I will say this, If Kevin and my parents are watching over us. They aren;t happy with us.
Remember in heaven they only see beauty and happiness.
Cry if you need to, stay in bed if you need to. There are big gapping holes in our hearts...
May God Bless you
Love
Dale
5/31/05 5:21 PM
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