Archives
June 2005
6/19/05
6/10/05
6/8/05
6/5/05
6/5/05
WHAT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT THING...
6/3/05
Sunday, June 5, 2005
2:48:00 PM EDT
"there is no greater love than that of mother, for her child"... no one seems to understand that but us MOM'S.
~author unknown
Hi Kevin,
I added a journal to my list. I will go back and forth between the both until I can find some middle ground. My other journal is about learning to go on with life... changes, transition, and more lessons.
I wrote about you - the before part of you... Writing it reminded me of your smile...your voice...your laughter...your fragrance...the warmth of your hugs... As I close my eyes, I drift off to rememberland and I try to hold on to the sights and sounds of you...
I found this questionnaire in my POS group. I thought it might be a good one to answer. If I don't like what is asked, I'll simply delete.
What has been the most difficult thing for you to cope with, to face, to think about, to bear, since your son or daughter died?
The reality of having to live my life without your physical presence in my life, after you were such a "bigger than life" presence. The "missing you" is pure torture. It carries over to your surviving siblings, even though I don't mean for it to. I don't know how to deal with them and their nit picking, judgmental, holier than thou attitudes. I don't really wish to deal with them just yet. I try to avoid them when possible.
Was it the fact that the death was by suicide?
Death by suicide always carries it's own curse or stigma. As time passes, even though I felt no guilt in the beginning, I started questioning my self as a mother... How did I fail you? Didn't I love you enough? Did I not give you the confidence you needed to survive life? What happened, Kevin? Why didn't you call me? You always did. What went wrong? I thought I had prepared you well. What did i miss? So many questions, very few answers. It's like I wanted to find blame within myself for something I had no control over. I wanted to beat myself up with a self-imposed guilt that would justify the anguish I felt. But, it didn't fit...it just didn't belong to me. I couldn't claim it. That's not to say that I don't feel guilty about some things, but I think that's a normal type of guilt. Eventually, this too passes or lessens.
Was it the fact that he/she was alone at the time of death?
Or that he/she did it in front of someone?
I don't know if you were alone when you intially shot yourself. Some say your girlfriend was there, others say you were talking on the phone to her. You said you got into an argument with her and couldn't handle anymore and without thinking, grabbed the gun and shot yourself...an impulsive move that cost you and your loved ones dearly. You never did say if she was there with you or not. You were not alone at the time of your death. I was holding you in my arms when you died in the quiet of your bedroom...just like you wanted.
Was it the fact that you could not stop it?
When I heard about what you did, I couldn't believe it. It wouldn't compute. After I thought more on what you had done, I knew there was nothing I could have done to stop you since you didn't reach out to me for help - or - call me.
Had you done so, maybe the script would have been different...I don't know. You didn't have a history of severe manic depression. You weren't bipolar. You weren't on drugs. I couldn't understand it. I'm not sure I do now. All I know is that I felt powerless. I couldn't protect you. I couldn't keep you from harms way...neither did God.
Or was it something else? One of many other possible things that come from a suicide death? Would you like to tell us about it and why you picked this thing?
Like I said, "the most difficult thing" is the missing you... for the rest of my life. Other things come into play but missing you, for me, is the most difficult...and it doesn't get any easier with the passing time.
I love you Kevin, more than life itself and I remain - missing you... You are a BIG MISS and a GOOD MISS!
Written by gbgoglo Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | 
digg this
2:48:00 PM EDT
WHAT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT THING...
"there is no greater love than that of mother, for her child"... no one seems to understand that but us MOM'S.
~author unknown
Hi Kevin,
I added a journal to my list. I will go back and forth between the both until I can find some middle ground. My other journal is about learning to go on with life... changes, transition, and more lessons.
I wrote about you - the before part of you... Writing it reminded me of your smile...your voice...your laughter...your fragrance...the warmth of your hugs... As I close my eyes, I drift off to rememberland and I try to hold on to the sights and sounds of you...
I found this questionnaire in my POS group. I thought it might be a good one to answer. If I don't like what is asked, I'll simply delete.
What has been the most difficult thing for you to cope with, to face, to think about, to bear, since your son or daughter died?
The reality of having to live my life without your physical presence in my life, after you were such a "bigger than life" presence. The "missing you" is pure torture. It carries over to your surviving siblings, even though I don't mean for it to. I don't know how to deal with them and their nit picking, judgmental, holier than thou attitudes. I don't really wish to deal with them just yet. I try to avoid them when possible.
Was it the fact that the death was by suicide?
Death by suicide always carries it's own curse or stigma. As time passes, even though I felt no guilt in the beginning, I started questioning my self as a mother... How did I fail you? Didn't I love you enough? Did I not give you the confidence you needed to survive life? What happened, Kevin? Why didn't you call me? You always did. What went wrong? I thought I had prepared you well. What did i miss? So many questions, very few answers. It's like I wanted to find blame within myself for something I had no control over. I wanted to beat myself up with a self-imposed guilt that would justify the anguish I felt. But, it didn't fit...it just didn't belong to me. I couldn't claim it. That's not to say that I don't feel guilty about some things, but I think that's a normal type of guilt. Eventually, this too passes or lessens.
Was it the fact that he/she was alone at the time of death?
Or that he/she did it in front of someone?
I don't know if you were alone when you intially shot yourself. Some say your girlfriend was there, others say you were talking on the phone to her. You said you got into an argument with her and couldn't handle anymore and without thinking, grabbed the gun and shot yourself...an impulsive move that cost you and your loved ones dearly. You never did say if she was there with you or not. You were not alone at the time of your death. I was holding you in my arms when you died in the quiet of your bedroom...just like you wanted.
Was it the fact that you could not stop it?
When I heard about what you did, I couldn't believe it. It wouldn't compute. After I thought more on what you had done, I knew there was nothing I could have done to stop you since you didn't reach out to me for help - or - call me.
Had you done so, maybe the script would have been different...I don't know. You didn't have a history of severe manic depression. You weren't bipolar. You weren't on drugs. I couldn't understand it. I'm not sure I do now. All I know is that I felt powerless. I couldn't protect you. I couldn't keep you from harms way...neither did God.
Or was it something else? One of many other possible things that come from a suicide death? Would you like to tell us about it and why you picked this thing?
Like I said, "the most difficult thing" is the missing you... for the rest of my life. Other things come into play but missing you, for me, is the most difficult...and it doesn't get any easier with the passing time.
I love you Kevin, more than life itself and I remain - missing you... You are a BIG MISS and a GOOD MISS!
Written by gbgoglo Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | digg this
This entry has 3 comments: (Add your own)
-
AS I READ ABOUT KEVIN IN UR JOURNAL...CANT HELP BUT WONDER WHY I STILL FEEL THE WAY I DO ABOUT DOING MYSELF HARM....IM TRYING EACH DAY TO MAKE IT THRU ....FOR DONT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO FEEL THAT PAIN...BUT SOME DAYS ITS SOOOO DANG HARD...DR HAS PUT ME ON DIFFERENT MEDS ADDITION TO ONES IM ALL READY ON SO MAYBE ILL SEE THAT LIGHT SOON ...GOD HOPES
http://journals.aol.com/hope4meeeee/MYTHOUGHTSANDFEELINGS/ -
Angel Friend,
I don't have an answer why Kevin did what he did. Sometimes in youth, you are impulsive..
This cost him his life.
But I do know that YOU ARE A WONDERFUL person, and that your other children Love you dearly.
No, there will never be another Kevin, but he lives on...He lives in your heart...In my heart.
I hope that he has met my parents, especially my mother......
God Bless you
Love
Dale
6/14/05 10:42 AM
V