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WHAT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT THING...
6/5/05
6/3/05
Sunday, June 5, 2005
2:48:00 PM EDT
"there is no greater love than that of mother, for her child"... no one seems to understand that but us MOM'S.
~author unknown
Hi Kevin,
I added a journal to my list. I will go back and forth between the both until I can find some middle ground. My other journal is about learning to go on with life... changes, transition, and more lessons.
I wrote about you - the before part of you... Writing it reminded me of your smile...your voice...your laughter...your fragrance...the warmth of your hugs... As I close my eyes, I drift off to rememberland and I try to hold on to the sights and sounds of you...
I found this questionnaire in my POS group. I thought it might be a good one to answer. If I don't like what is asked, I'll simply delete.
What has been the most difficult thing for you to cope with, to face, to think about, to bear, since your son or daughter died?
The reality of having to live my life without your physical presence in my life, after you were such a "bigger than life" presence. The "missing you" is pure torture. It carries over to your surviving siblings, even though I don't mean for it to. I don't know how to deal with them and their nit picking, judgmental, holier than thou attitudes. I don't really wish to deal with them just yet. I try to avoid them when possible.
Was it the fact that the death was by suicide?
Death by suicide always carries it's own curse or stigma. As time passes, even though I felt no guilt in the beginning, I started questioning my self as a mother... How did I fail you? Didn't I love you enough? Did I not give you the confidence you needed to survive life? What happened, Kevin? Why didn't you call me? You always did. What went wrong? I thought I had prepared you well. What did i miss? So many questions, very few answers. It's like I wanted to find blame within myself for something I had no control over. I wanted to beat myself up with a self-imposed guilt that would justify the anguish I felt. But, it didn't fit...it just didn't belong to me. I couldn't claim it. That's not to say that I don't feel guilty about some things, but I think that's a normal type of guilt. Eventually, this too passes or lessens.
Was it the fact that he/she was alone at the time of death?
Or that he/she did it in front of someone?
I don't know if you were alone when you intially shot yourself. Some say your girlfriend was there, others say you were talking on the phone to her. You said you got into an argument with her and couldn't handle anymore and without thinking, grabbed the gun and shot yourself...an impulsive move that cost you and your loved ones dearly. You never did say if she was there with you or not. You were not alone at the time of your death. I was holding you in my arms when you died in the quiet of your bedroom...just like you wanted.
Was it the fact that you could not stop it?
When I heard about what you did, I couldn't believe it. It wouldn't compute. After I thought more on what you had done, I knew there was nothing I could have done to stop you since you didn't reach out to me for help - or - call me.
Had you done so, maybe the script would have been different...I don't know. You didn't have a history of severe manic depression. You weren't bipolar. You weren't on drugs. I couldn't understand it. I'm not sure I do now. All I know is that I felt powerless. I couldn't protect you. I couldn't keep you from harms way...neither did God.
Or was it something else? One of many other possible things that come from a suicide death? Would you like to tell us about it and why you picked this thing?
Like I said, "the most difficult thing" is the missing you... for the rest of my life. Other things come into play but missing you, for me, is the most difficult...and it doesn't get any easier with the passing time.
I love you Kevin, more than life itself and I remain - missing you... You are a BIG MISS and a GOOD MISS!
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2:48:00 PM EDT
WHAT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT THING...
"there is no greater love than that of mother, for her child"... no one seems to understand that but us MOM'S.
~author unknown
Hi Kevin,
I added a journal to my list. I will go back and forth between the both until I can find some middle ground. My other journal is about learning to go on with life... changes, transition, and more lessons.
I wrote about you - the before part of you... Writing it reminded me of your smile...your voice...your laughter...your fragrance...the warmth of your hugs... As I close my eyes, I drift off to rememberland and I try to hold on to the sights and sounds of you...
I found this questionnaire in my POS group. I thought it might be a good one to answer. If I don't like what is asked, I'll simply delete.
What has been the most difficult thing for you to cope with, to face, to think about, to bear, since your son or daughter died?
The reality of having to live my life without your physical presence in my life, after you were such a "bigger than life" presence. The "missing you" is pure torture. It carries over to your surviving siblings, even though I don't mean for it to. I don't know how to deal with them and their nit picking, judgmental, holier than thou attitudes. I don't really wish to deal with them just yet. I try to avoid them when possible.
Was it the fact that the death was by suicide?
Death by suicide always carries it's own curse or stigma. As time passes, even though I felt no guilt in the beginning, I started questioning my self as a mother... How did I fail you? Didn't I love you enough? Did I not give you the confidence you needed to survive life? What happened, Kevin? Why didn't you call me? You always did. What went wrong? I thought I had prepared you well. What did i miss? So many questions, very few answers. It's like I wanted to find blame within myself for something I had no control over. I wanted to beat myself up with a self-imposed guilt that would justify the anguish I felt. But, it didn't fit...it just didn't belong to me. I couldn't claim it. That's not to say that I don't feel guilty about some things, but I think that's a normal type of guilt. Eventually, this too passes or lessens.
Was it the fact that he/she was alone at the time of death?
Or that he/she did it in front of someone?
I don't know if you were alone when you intially shot yourself. Some say your girlfriend was there, others say you were talking on the phone to her. You said you got into an argument with her and couldn't handle anymore and without thinking, grabbed the gun and shot yourself...an impulsive move that cost you and your loved ones dearly. You never did say if she was there with you or not. You were not alone at the time of your death. I was holding you in my arms when you died in the quiet of your bedroom...just like you wanted.
Was it the fact that you could not stop it?
When I heard about what you did, I couldn't believe it. It wouldn't compute. After I thought more on what you had done, I knew there was nothing I could have done to stop you since you didn't reach out to me for help - or - call me.
Had you done so, maybe the script would have been different...I don't know. You didn't have a history of severe manic depression. You weren't bipolar. You weren't on drugs. I couldn't understand it. I'm not sure I do now. All I know is that I felt powerless. I couldn't protect you. I couldn't keep you from harms way...neither did God.
Or was it something else? One of many other possible things that come from a suicide death? Would you like to tell us about it and why you picked this thing?
Like I said, "the most difficult thing" is the missing you... for the rest of my life. Other things come into play but missing you, for me, is the most difficult...and it doesn't get any easier with the passing time.
I love you Kevin, more than life itself and I remain - missing you... You are a BIG MISS and a GOOD MISS!
Written by gbgoglo Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | digg this
This entry has 5 comments: (Add your own)
-
LOOK INTO A MIRROR,,, THERE YOU WILL SEE A MOTHER WHO IS ONLY GUILTY OF LOVING A CHILD SO MUCH, SHE CAN'T BEAR ANYTHING ELSE,,,
LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND NO BLAME IS YOURS,,,SEE THE PERSON IN THE MIRROR AS GOD SEES YOU,,, DON'T YOU SEE THAT, HE GAVE YOU YOUR SON FOR AWHILE AND OTHERS FOR LONGER THAT NEED YOU???
I DID THIS SAME THING AND FOUND GOD STRONGER THEN ME,,, YOU HAVE TO,,,IT'S HIS LOVE FOR YOU THAT HELPS YOU TO SURVIVE ALL THE WHAT IF'S,,,
LOVE YOU MY FRIEND,,, Marie -
And YOU, dear one, are J-land's lady of courage. Love you very much. *Barb*
-
Gloria,You make me cry,you are such a loving,sweet Lady and I hurt for you.
It was Not your fault Honey,it sounds like it may have been done in a second
of hurting and to quick to stop. Only God knows,but Kevin lived even after that
and you cared for him for years. I hope I am not out of line for what I'm saying,if I am,please tell me so I'll know.I'd never want to hurt you in any way.
Much Love
Mickie -
{{{{{{{{{Oh Gloria}}}}}}}}}
I'm so glad I checked, I thought when you started the new journal, this one was closed....only to come here and read such a powerful entry....Death is always so hard for those left behind, but the thing with suicide that makes it so much worse, if it even can be worse, is the guilt....so much guilt. and questioning...and that stays with you. then you play head games..."what if" "if I was" "had I said" and it's enough to drive you crazy because it's not gonna change what is. My heart goes out to you Gloria and I thank you for the email you sent me too...~ www.jerseygirljournal.com
6/14/05 10:41 AM
"there is no greater love than that of mother, for her child"... no one seems to understand that but us MOM'S.
V