To Kevin With Love...Mom Part 2: The Painful Grace of Flight...

There is no way out, only a way forward.
~Michael Hollings

Dear Kevin,

It is the early hours of the morning and sleep eludes me.  I hear the freeway traffic in the distance... Life begins another God-given day.

In the wee hours of the morning, I was thinking...  (I know, that's dangerous) anyway, I was thinking about the pain... the pain that's always with me, always there.  I was thinking back when it was so intense, it liked to have sucked the breathing, living life out of me!  I was thinking how, now, it has softened to a more gentle pain and only at certain times does it rear it's ugly self and become intense...  I can live with that.

There was a time that I wondered...  Is there no damn relief from this miserable, God-awful pain?  Is there nowhere I can go to - disappear to?  What I really wanted was to go back in time...

I wanted to go back to that other world before your death... before your hurt yourself.  I wanted to go back to a world before it became my world of "before" and "after"...  I wanted to go back to a world where life was simpler and my comfort zone was not disturbed too greatly.  But, unfortunately, that world no longer exists.  Still - I keep trying to go back.  I keep searching it out.  I keep trying to remember what it was like.  I yearn to go back.  But then, I am called back - a voice within me speaks...  "You can't go back.  This is your world now.  This is where you live now.  This is where your life is now.  This is where you belong now"...convincing myself, I began to move forward...second by second.

And, here I am now...  This is where the seconds have taken me - two years and four months later.  I am in a new time frame.  My world is different, somewhat changed.  My relationships have changed.  My relationship with you is changed.  My relationship with myself is changed.  I could have stayed put.  For awhile I did.  I lingered, hoping to stay there forever.  But one can't stay in the past forever.  Time is constantly moving forward - life goes on.  I was forced to move forward and go on, too...

I find myself in this new world with so many "unknowns" - unknown territory, unknown adventures - a life unknown.  And, as I think about it all, I marvel that I've made it this far.  I marvel at a God that nudged me through it all - second by second. 

Here I am, me, Gloria, watching a new sunrise welcome in a new day.  And I wonder... what now?  Where do I go from here?  What lies in wait for me? 

I go to a destiny that, patiently, awaits my arrival.

I love you Kevin - more than life itself and am missing you still.

mom

               

|  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this

• #4 Comment from deabvt 
  6/14/05 10:40 AM | Permalink

  There is no way out, only a way forward.
  ~Michael Hollings
  Wonderful!
  V
• #3 Comment from keepthefaith4117 
  6/8/05 7:22 PM | Permalink

  I love You Gloria!
  Love
  Mickie
  
• #2 Comment from barbpinion 
  6/8/05 4:18 PM | Permalink

  And I love YOU, sweet Gloria, for your awesome courage, your open, caring heart, your willingness to share your pain, and for the times you share your delightful sense of humor with me. I love your laugh, your unique style, your ability to adapt in spite of your not wanting too. Big hugs, hon. Love you SO Much.
  Barb
• #1 Comment from readmereadyou 
  6/8/05 2:46 PM | Permalink

  I stopped by to let you know I'm thinking about you.......Always really do. You and Kevin are close to my heart.
  Angela