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YOU COULD HAVE HEARD MY HEART CRACKING...
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Friday, June 10, 2005
8:33:00 AM EDT
Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.
~Author Unknown
Dear Kevin,
I was doing good until I found some "things" that belonged to you. I was getting stuff ready for the yard sale this weekend and I found your tennis shoes. Inside one of your tennis shoes, stuffed in a plastic bag, I found your wallet with a few bucks, some loose change, your cigarette lighter, your car keys... also a half filled bottle of Drakkar cologne.
I don't know who put them there. Maybe I did and don't remember. I just know I was gripped by pain. Seeing those things reminded me of your absence. Those things are still here but you've moved on. I'm surprised the cologne hasn't evaporated! Hardly seems fair that "things" outlast people.
My soul aches and moans from within, a silent sobbing. I wonder why sometimes I can cry a river and get release. At other times, like tonite, nothing works. There is no release. I throw my cries out for help into the dark night... I wait for help - which will surely come. Oh, God, that awful pain again...
I ask a God who sees my shattered self... I need to know...
Why is it getting harder to cope with Kevin's death?
Why Kevin's "things" are still here but he is not?
What was God thinking by keeping me here? Why am I still here?
How long can a mother's soul endure this kind of anguish?
When will this nightmare end?
Why am I writing this?
Each day, Lord, I face many choices.
They are not easy choices.
Usually these choices involve
letting go of my past, my present.
I know what my past was,
I know my present.
But choice forces me into the future.
I'm not sure I like that choice.
It's hard to move forward, Lord.
It's hard to face my future.
The unknown always presents
it's fearful face...more so now.
It's hard to live under grace, Lord,
trying to survive all You've allowed.
That requires faith, Lord,
and I have very little.
So, help me, Lord.
Help me make that choice,
of when to let go...
and don't let me fall.
Kevin, my son, I love you more than life itself. Help me, let you go. Help me loosen my grip on you when everything in my being resists letting go...
mom
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8:33:00 AM EDT
YOU COULD HAVE HEARD MY HEART CRACKING...
Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.
~Author Unknown
Dear Kevin,
I was doing good until I found some "things" that belonged to you. I was getting stuff ready for the yard sale this weekend and I found your tennis shoes. Inside one of your tennis shoes, stuffed in a plastic bag, I found your wallet with a few bucks, some loose change, your cigarette lighter, your car keys... also a half filled bottle of Drakkar cologne.
I don't know who put them there. Maybe I did and don't remember. I just know I was gripped by pain. Seeing those things reminded me of your absence. Those things are still here but you've moved on. I'm surprised the cologne hasn't evaporated! Hardly seems fair that "things" outlast people.
My soul aches and moans from within, a silent sobbing. I wonder why sometimes I can cry a river and get release. At other times, like tonite, nothing works. There is no release. I throw my cries out for help into the dark night... I wait for help - which will surely come. Oh, God, that awful pain again...
I ask a God who sees my shattered self... I need to know...
Why is it getting harder to cope with Kevin's death?
Why Kevin's "things" are still here but he is not?
What was God thinking by keeping me here? Why am I still here?
How long can a mother's soul endure this kind of anguish?
When will this nightmare end?
Why am I writing this?
Each day, Lord, I face many choices.
They are not easy choices.
Usually these choices involve
letting go of my past, my present.
I know what my past was,
I know my present.
But choice forces me into the future.
I'm not sure I like that choice.
It's hard to move forward, Lord.
It's hard to face my future.
The unknown always presents
it's fearful face...more so now.
It's hard to live under grace, Lord,
trying to survive all You've allowed.
That requires faith, Lord,
and I have very little.
So, help me, Lord.
Help me make that choice,
of when to let go...
and don't let me fall.
Kevin, my son, I love you more than life itself. Help me, let you go. Help me loosen my grip on you when everything in my being resists letting go...
mom
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This entry has 9 comments: (Add your own)
-
Dear Gloria......... I have been reading your journal for the better part of an hour. It is incredible how you have been able to put your feelings into words. I know that through sharing your experience, you will help countless others who are going through similar situations. My hope is that in doing this, you find strength and comfort for yourself. Your son sounds like a remarkable young man. Yes, you were blessed to have him in your life. And he was certainly blessed to have you in his.
I wish I could remember how I found my way here, but sometimes, I think we are led by a higher power to places that will serve a purpose in our lives. I also have a son, Kevin, who just turned 25. I have been through many trials and tribulations with him, and have wondered on more than one occasion if he would have the strength to endure all the misfortunes that have been thrown his way. I guess all I can do as a mother is to love him. And that I do. Thanks for sharing a part of yourself and your son ......... Tina -
Aww, you`ll have those setbacks; but you have more tangible thgs!
V -
maybe finding some of his things was a message from him to you that he's okay....and he'll always be with you.... hugs to you gloria
-
hello hun...
as i read ur journal..couldnt help but wonder omg my daughter could be feeling like this right now...if i continue my thoughts of sucide....so im trying really hard to controll those impluses...when i go to that dark side im going to try to take a walk ,to get up and call some one ...or just do something....
6/27/05 4:19 PM
By not letting go of him sweet lady you actually give purpose to the life you both shared. I know that YOU know you'll meet him again it is the waiting that causes sorrow.
You have a sweet mission here and maybe your journal to him will prevent another desperate soul from making a permenate decsion that can't be undone.
All my respect.