To Kevin With Love...Mom Part 2: The Painful Grace of Flight...

LOOKING BACK...

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 21:09:47 GMT

Dear Kevin,

I find myself constantly looking back and thinking back to my past. A place where you and I once existed. I often wonder if God is okay with me visiting the past so frequently... I would suspect so otherwise He wouldn't have allowed me the memory of it.

I look back and see where God was so significant in my life - and yours. I look at my days then, compared to now. Those days were filled with miracles and blessings galore. I would not have survived those days without God as my anchor and my guide... my very all. This was an unforgettable time in the history of my life... one that will never be erased or forgotten from my mind, from my heart, from my soul. So, what good does it do me to go back? Of what value is this to me now?

Returning to the familiar of my past, shows me the way in my present. I recognize God's faithfulness. I recognize HIS hand in all that was. If HE was able to bring me through and out of that past, then HE can show me the way to my destiny whatever that may be. These moments of reflection on my past give me renewed strength and courage to go onward and forward. If God was with me in the past, then HE is the same God who is with me in my present...

God's purpose for me is not to go back and recreate a past that no longer pertains to me - hold on to it for dear life or get stuck in it. This is neither healthy nor productive. Besides, I can't go back... life moves forward not backwards... as does God's purpose for me. What once was, is no longer there... you, Kevin, are not there. You have moved on and so must I.

I will visit the past from time to time to honor a time where God, you, and I came together for a meaningful while. I will use that time to renew my love for HIM... in my present. I dare not linger in the past as my yesterdays are much different than the demands of my todays... life waits for no one and this world of mine is ever changing.

Here's to you and my destiny... until we meet again.

I love you SOOOOOOO much, Kevin... more than life itself.
See you in my dreams.

mom

This is the last entry I will be posting in this journal. I will continue my letters to Kevin in the following journal:

http://journals.aol.com/gbgoglo/ToKevinWithLoveMomPart3WeepNotFo/

I will retire this journal and move on to, I hope, a well-lived present. Thank you all for your support and your kind and caring comments. I especially thank you for the love you've shown towards myself, Kevin, and my family. You're the best! Look forward to seeing you in Part 3 of my journal... May God bless you all...

From my heart to yours with great love and appreciation,

gloria and Kevin

TO CAROLANN - WITH LOVE...

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 20:36:43 GMT

Death is the veil which those who live call life: They sleep, and it is lifted.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Dear Kevin,

There is so much death and devastation going on in this beautiful world of ours. Makes one wonder... With all the attention centered on Katrina, we tend to overlook those other very "ordinary" people who are also facing their losses, their devastation - their world is about to be turned upside down. My prayers go out to them - those extraordinary people living ordinary lives.

I have a very dear friend who is facing the loss of her beloved mother. She is a very loving and caring daughter. She does her mother proud. I am so happy that her mother got to see and experience the type of daughter she raised. This is for you, Carolann, and your beautiful mama.

When we are caregivers of those we love, their impending death looms over us like a dark shadow. We watch as our loved ones prepare to leave this world. And, we cry. We cry for ourselves and we cry for them. We cry for ourselves because we are losing a very special loved who has been so significant in our life and will no longer share our world with us. We cry for them because they, also, will be missing us and perhaps, a little of their life and their world.

We dread each new day for fear it will be our last day together. We pray, beg, plead, and bargain for God to grant us a miracle and try to get him to change His mind about taking our loved one. We know in our hearts, though, there will be no more miracles.

Carolann, I know how much you're hurting and how frightened you are right now; and, that life seems filled with uncertainty. It must be frustrating to hear people say how strong you are when everything inside you just wants to fall apart - like smiling on the outside, crying on the inside.
No one can truly understand the pain that is felt by your heart for your mama. Yet, as a caring friend, I feel so helpless... I want to take away your pain and know I cannot.
It's just not my call.

What I can do is offer you my friendship, my love, and my heartfelt prayers for you and your mama. I can offer you a cup of coffee by osmosis, spiritual hugs, my support, and words that I hope give you some comfort. And, with that said, I offer you the following words and thoughts as a symbol of my love and support... they have no limits and there's no expiration date attached. Take them one by one or all at once. The only thing I ask is that you have HOPE...
HOPE for a better moment, a better time, a better place. HOPE that you will feel joy in your heart once more. Until then, let my words comfort and support you...

I offer you prayers that will ease your burden...

I give you quiet time - via email - to reminise or time to vent...

I will cry with you when you hurt...

I will smile with you when you can...eeeeeeeeeeeeek...

I'll take walks down memory lane with you...

I offer you peace of knowing - knowing that I will be here for you when you feel like smiling or just being sad...

I offer you my unconditional love and friendship...

I'll let you "bug me" whenever you feel like doing so...double eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Take care my friend, I'm right here...

Kevin, my love, I need prayers from above for all that's happening here, below... and, a whole lot of help! I love you, Kev, more than life itself...

Your mama who still misses you.

A BELATED BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE...

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 06:54:51 GMT

People in mourning have to come to grips with death before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years and years. It doesn't end after a year; that's a false fantasy. It usually ends when people realize that they can live again. That they can concentrate their energies or their lives as a whole and not on their hurt, and guilt, and pain.
~Elisabeth Kubler Ross

Dear Kevin,

Because I was taking a break, I missed writing you on your birthday. That's not to say I forgot your birthday because you know I didn't... I just didn't share it in my journal. I will now...

August 18, 1971

On this morning, thirty-four years ago, I still held you in my body. My world was full of possibilities and endless dreams. I loved you even then, before I knew how dear you would become to this mother's heart.

I close my eyes and I remember the love in your eyes and in your smile... the warmth of your cheek... the strength and gentleness of your hugs... the sound of your voice, your laughter... the scowl on your face and that thing you did with your eyebrow... and I try to hold on.

There was a time when thoughts of death would send me into a panic attack. I was terrified of dying. I am calmer about it now. Taking care of the terminally ill and you, has broken death's hold on me. I don't know if I'll ever be that afraid ever again. I watched you go away with death and I know you're okay. And when my time comes to go away with death... I know I'll be okay, too.

If I thought for one moment I'd never see you again, I would give up my life and give up the fight and leave this earth right here and now. But in the mystery of your death, I was forced to see GOD'S promise that - we will be together again.

In remembering this secret anniversary of the heart, I celebrate you... I celebrate life.... thoughtfully, silently,and spiritually.

I love you, Kevin, more than life itself.

Mom

Prayers to the survivors of Katrina; to Joshua; and to all in need. God bless the countries that are sending their help - monetary or otherwise - to the states and the survivors devastated by Katrina. God bless the United States for their help and aid to the Katrina survivors. And prayers to the families of loved ones who can't be found.

SURVIVING MY CHOICES THEN AND NOW...

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 20:46:30 GMT

Dear Kevin,

I find myself going between both of your journals... like me - going in and out of my grief. I have so much to catch up on.

Kevin, I feel your presence still. There is so much of you here. It takes little effort to see you or feel your presence or hear you. Sometimes I can still smell the scent of your cologne. Thank you, Kevin, for your visits in my dreams - night or day. Thank you for making your presence known to Chelsea. I love you soooooooo much!

Right after Mother's Day, 2005, I took time to evaluate my life - then and now. I thought about some of the choices that faced me and how I survived in spite of my choices.

My first choice was to die. I just didn't want to live with this God awful pain. I didn't want to live without my son. I didn't have the courage to end my life. But, I thought, maybe I could will myself to die. So, I took to my bed and laid there every day for what seemed like weeks, - I'm sure it was only days - willing myself to die, begging God to please take me. I survived only because God needed me to survive. It wasn't my time to go, and God wasn't about to take me.

After days of laying around and willing myself to die, boredom set in. So, I opted for a second choice... to go mad like in insane mad or get mad like in raging mad. There were times that I was sure I was going insane, alternating between going mad and being mad. Then I joined two support groups online - Angelmoms and POS (Parents of Suicides). When I started reading the stories, I found out that insanity was quite the norm for a grieving mother and rage was the "in" thing. So much for my second choice. After awhile, time has a way of nudging you onward. Which brings me to my next choice.

I read an interesting article about how when a deer is hurt, it goes into a cave and stays until it is healed or dead. Well, guess what my next choice was? Yep. I became a cave dweller. The cave is the home I shared with Kevin. I went out once a week. The rest of the time I stayed in my "cave." I read, played with my computer, and did just what I felt like doing. I didn't have much contact with the outside world and I started to feel good about being a cave dweller. Which brings me to where I'm at now. I have made the choice to live life, seek the positive out of the negative circumstances I found myself in, and to help myself and others understand there is life after death...

No one is asking us to forget, to turn away from all that we loved and cherished in the one we lost. We couldn't do that even if we wanted to.

The task before us - and it can take a very long time - is to incorporate this grief and loss into the rest of our lives so that it doesn't continue to dominate our lives. It's no longer the first thing we think of when we wake up in the morning, or the last thing we relinquish before we sleep.

From Healing After Loss
~Martha Whitmore Hickman

I release my excess weight to Mr. J and all in need....

MOVING FORWARD - NO, NOT JUST YET...

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 17:17:07 GMT

There is no way out, only a way forward.
~Michael Hollings

Dear Kevin,

It is the early hours of the morning and sleep eludes me. I hear the freeway traffic in the distance... Life begins another God-given day.

In the wee hours of the morning, I was thinking... (I know, that's dangerous) anyway, I was thinking about the pain... the pain that's always with me, always there. I was thinking back when it was so intense, it liked to have sucked the breathing, living life out of me! I was thinking how, now, it has softened to a more gentle pain and only at certain times does it rear it's ugly self and become intense... I can live with that.

There was a time that I wondered... Is there no damn relief from this miserable, God-awful pain? Is there nowhere I can go to - disappear to? What I really wanted was to go back in time...

I wanted to go back to that other world before your death... before your hurt yourself. I wanted to go back to a world before it became my world of "before" and "after"... I wanted to go back to a world where life was simpler and my comfort zone was not disturbed too greatly. But, unfortunately, that world no longer exists. Still - I keep trying to go back. I keep searching it out. I keep trying to remember what it was like. I yearn to go back. But then, I am called back - a voice within me speaks... "You can't go back. This is your world now. This is where you live now. This is where your life is now. This is where you belong now"...convincing myself, I began to move forward...second by second.

And, here I am now... This is where the seconds have taken me - two years and four months later. I am in a new time frame. My world is different, somewhat changed. My relationships have changed. My relationship with you is changed. My relationship with myself is changed. I could have stayed put. For awhile I did. I lingered, hoping to stay there forever. But one can't stay in the past forever. Time is constantly moving forward - life goes on. I was forced to move forward and go on, too...

I find myself in this new world with so many "unknowns" - unknown territory, unknown adventures - a life unknown. And, as I think about it all, I marvel that I've made it this far. I marvel at a God that nudged me through it all - second by second.

Here I am, me, Gloria, watching a new sunrise welcome in a new day. And I wonder... what now? Where do I go from here? What lies in wait for me?

I go to a destiny that, patiently, awaits my arrival.

I love you Kevin - more than life itself and am missing you still.

mom

JUST ASK ME...

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 04:22:21 GMT

We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God.
~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Dearest Kevin,

I wish someone would ask about you.
It's been so long since anyone has.
I wish someone would mention
Your name out loud...
But nobody does.
I long to speak your name
And hear your name spoken.
I long to share your life's story -
Your sayings, your way of being -
Now... only memories locked inside my heart.
I long to show your photos,
My proof of your existence.
I wish someone would ask...

I don't mind talking about you
And what happened to you.
In fact, I need to talk about you.
I need to do something
To release grief's grip.
I need to do something
To keep your memory and spirit alive...
You, who were such a great part
Of my life... our lives.
I need to speak of you and how you were -
As if by doing so, I extend your life -
A life cut to soon from life -
I need to confirm the reality of your existence.

If someone were to ask me about you,
And I could speak of you -
I would tell them you were real.
I would tell them you were here.
I would tell them you were important.
To speak freely of you
Helps me adjust to
A different experience of you.
I still maintain a relationship with you.
It is not painful to speak of you.
Speaking of you gives release
To my pent up feelings - and -
Brings relief to my wounded heart.

I think of you every day since you left.
I miss you.
It's difficult for those who have not journeyed
Through this particular valley of death -
To understand how this pain can last so long.
It's difficult to understand - unless -
You're a mother who has lost her child
And no one remembers or asks anymore.
Can I reach across death's boundary
And back to where you were?
Yes, I can.
I speak your name and my soul resonates
to the sounds of your new world.

I will speak of you - to learn the way to my new life.
And, if someone should ask about you,
I will speak your name and share stories of you,
And then I would say to them,
"Thank you for asking. Please, do it again -
Sometime... soon"

I love you, Kevin, more than life itself. See ya!

Mom

Thanks to all for your comments of love and support. They are greatly appreciated. Hugs!

SHARING AND VENTING...

Mon, 30 May 2005 09:30:43 GMT

When the days are sad and lonely
And everything goes wrong,
I seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on."

Every time I see your picture
You smile and seem to say
"Don't cry, I'm only sleeping
We'll meet again someday."

You bid no one a last farewell
Nor even said good-bye.
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could've saved you
You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
No one can ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you
But you did not go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.

author unknown

Dear Kevin,

I have been rather busy - playing catch-up on journal reading, emails, etc. I got behind when I was down because of my back. It's a slow process catching up.

I received an email regarding this lady named Susan, who lost her brother to suicide. Her brother's name is Scottie.
I wrote her an email and she wrote back. She sounds really nice and has joined the fight against suicide through her fight on behalf of the mentally ill. Plus, she is using her journal to share her experiences lived with her brother's illness. I will be posting her journal link at the end of this letter to you - that others may go check out her journal and support her as they have supported me.

Kev, I have been very tired lately. The "secret anniversaries of the heart" are very trying and weary. They leave me feeling like a limp dishrag. There are times I feel so powerless that all I can do is give in to this exhaustion and drift off into a slumber that relieves me temporarily from this nightmarish reality. I don't have the strength to dream or think... much less do.

I came out of my cave to partake in a Memorial Day celebration here, amongst neighbors.... BIG MISTAKE! I wasn't ready to be bombarded with well meaning advice. Everyone wants to play counselor. "It's not good for you to isolate yourself so. You need to get back to living"... uh, does this mean I am dead and don't know it? What they mean, is that they want Gloria back the way she was before. Sorry, folks, no can do. Don't know if I'll ever be that person again. I may come close, but there will be subtle or perhaps not so subtle differences.

I am told to give myself time... well, ask a mother who lost her child 40 years ago what time's done for her. I am told to suppress my thoughts of you...as if that is so easily done.   I am told to take up a hobby, go back to school, go on a trip, stay busy, do something... Well, guess what? NONE of it works... absolutely nothing works.

I have my moments when I enter the chamber of my "inner sanctum". This "inner sanctum" is my special place... my "holy of holies" where I spend time wrestling with the process of my inevitable grief... denial, anger, guilt, despair, anguish, acceptance... My emotions become out of control, attacking me from all directions, without caring about my wounded heart and my fragile soul. I allow my feelings to have their way, knowing I will come through it a survivor and once more - I will win the match and be back to wrestle another day.

The time is coming when, eventually, I WILL do something. I will seek out the living. The images of the past that once walked and shared this world with me - a world and time that was once theirs - will always live in my treasure chest of memories. These ghosts of my past will always walk beside me, sharing the same space as they did before, only differently. I feel led by them, especially you, Kev, to go on... return to life and fulfill my destiny whatever that may be.   There's no reason why I can't have the best of both worlds... Ya think, Kev? I love you, Kevin, more than life itself. I will always miss your PRESENCE. Goodnight son... and to all the images of my past.


http://journals.aol.com/Smjr43/JourneyThroughTheValleyofShadows

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 05:39:24 GMT

Dear Kevin,

Since tomorrow is Father's Day, I thought I'd do an entry for all the fathers here - and - there. This is something I found in the Angelmoms newsletter and thought it would be nice to share...

Remembering Father's Day

The United States is one of the few countries in the world that has an official day on which fathers are honored by their children. On the third Sunday in June, fathers all across the United States are given presents, treated to dinner, or otherwise made to feel special. While the origin of Father's Day is not clear – many believe it was Mrs. John B. Dodd, of Washington, who first proposed the idea of a "father's day" in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife (Mrs. Dodd's mother) died in childbirth with their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington State. It was after Mrs. Dodd became an adult that she realized the strength and selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent.

The first Father's Day was then officially observed on June 19, 1910 in Spokane, Washington. At about the same time in various town and cities across America, other people were beginning to also celebrate a "father's day." In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day; but it wasn't until 1966, that President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the third Sunday of June as the 'official' Father's Day.

Today Father's Day has become a day to not only honor your father, but all men who act as a father figure. Stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, and adult male friends are all to be honored on Father's Day. Our hope within this holiday, as children, is that we recognize the sacrifices made for us by our parents, namely our fathers. The father or patriarch of a family is often seen as the source of strength and support through all times – both good and bad.

During present day, we have experienced an evolution of the family. No longer does the American household necessarily embody the 1950's ideal of the nuclear family system, father, mother, 2.5 kids, and a dog. Life and society have changed our perceptions of what may be deemed "necessary" for a family to exist and thrive, and with this realization we still wish to seek out the men in our lives to honor them and the many deeds that they perform. Father's Day is a time of celebration and love, but for some it can also be a time of great heartache. Father's Day can be a particularly sad day for those of us who have lost a father figure or for those fathers who have lost a child. For these reasons, Father's Day can often be a day filled with sadness and grief, rather than joy and celebration.

When child loss occurs, for some reason most of the sympathy expressed is pointed in the direction of the mother of the child. Maybe the feeling is that mothers mourn losses more or perhaps the reasoning is that fathers are the stronger parent figure. The reality is that fathers grieve the death of their child too, and they need support during this difficult and lonely time. Because men by nature are the ones who "fix" problems, fathers often look at grief as a fixable problem. A man may withhold his feelings of pain, and will instead work long hours away from home, or will think of work projects to keep his time occupied. Many men are not as social as women and do not seem to need as much social interaction as women. Therefore during these difficult times and days, many men can find it a great support to privately journal their feelings when child loss occurs. This can also be a beneficial activity for the child who is missing their father, but does not know how to express these feelings long after the initial shock and grief have passed (Hinton, 2004). What is found to be difficult for a man or child to verbalize can often be more easily expressed on paper. Journaling thoughts can be a good outlet to a person during the personal emotional adjustment of child or parent loss.

"Hands on" work is another positive way of working through grief and loss. For example, engaging in a commemorative work project may be a way of expressing feelings. A father or child may choose to do something positive such as build a special photo box or bookshelves that will hold pictures and other remembrances of the loved one who has died.

It is important to recognize that fathers and children go through emotional upheavals during the grief of a child or parent loss. Fathers may grieve differently than mothers, but a day dedicated to them can be just as emotionally heartbreaking. They might not want a lot of special treatment on Father's Day. Men are generally less apt to talk about their feelings of hurt and loss than women, but those feelings are still there and should not be ignored.

Special holidays stir up many different emotions for fathers and children, and so Father's Day, especially, can be difficult following the loss of a loved one. With help and support from family and friends, a father or child can move forward in their grief. Often what means most to a person grieving or struggling through Father's Day is simply the recognition of this emotional time. Be sensitive to the different experiences and lives of others – remember that no two families are the same and thus be sensitive to the fact that we all travel through life on different roads. On Father's Day we celebrate the important men in our lives, but we also must celebrate and be kind to each other. The outward face of family may be evolving or changing, but the love that defines family if forever. Take the time now to honor those important people in our lives – on Father's Day and every day.

Happy Father's Day to all my favorite fathers and father images - here...Vince, Derek, Mike, Jim D., Tony D., Bob J., Mr. Al, "Joshua", Darby, Craig, and last but not least, Kevin's Dad...

Happy Father's Day to all my favorite fathers who are not of this world beginning with God, my dad, Kevin, Rick, Elmer, Bob, my brother Jim, Jerry, Mr. K., and Clayton...

Love to all...

gloria

I love you Kevin, more than life itself... I continue to miss you!

mom

The Painful Grace of Flight ~Mary Austin

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 22:00:29 GMT

I thought the following was appropriate for sharing, explaining my title and a good opening for my new journal.

The Painful Grace of Flight: A Memorial Service Meditation by Mary Austin

Many cultures believe that butterflies travel between the spirit world and the earth, connecting people with the divine realm. A Native American legend says, "if you have a secret wish, whisper it to a butterfly. since butterflies cannot speack, the wish is safe, and the butterfly will carry the wish to the Great Spirit."

The ancient Greeks believed that butterflies were souls, released from their bodies. In fact, ancient Greek uses the same word - psyche - for both soul and butterfly, so close is the connection between the two. Early Christians also used the butterfly as a symbol for the soul, and other cultures believed that the spirits of the dead took the form of butterflies. Some have said that the soul-butterflys' ability to leave the body while we sleep explains where our dreams come from.

It may be, as summer comes, that watching a butterfly in flight will remind you of your loved one...remembering their travel from this life to whatever comes next, when we're set free from illness and pain.

It seems that you as caregiver are also like the butterfly. As a caregiver, you are transformed. You grow...change over the time of your loved one's illness...learn to do things you never expected you could do. You grow from being a hesitant caregiver to someone able to journey with your loved one until they are set free from the struggles of this life.

When you grieve for a loved one, you are again like the butterfly. Grief can be like the dark of the chrysalis, or the cocoon. Some scientists call this phase of the butterflys' life the resting phase, and it may be that your grief is a time of resting from the demands of life. You're wrapped up in sorrow and pain...until you begin to stretch, and move...and then the cocoon expands. You emerge from sorrow into the light of day, and realize that you're not the person you used to be. For better or worse, you're someone new, changed by your love and loss. Grief has altered your perspective, changed your view of yourself and the world. Like the butterfly, you've come out transformed...or perhaps, for you, waiting, longing for the release into being a butterfly. Such struggles are not easy.

Continued above...

YOU COULD HAVE HEARD MY HEART CRACKING...

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 12:33:48 GMT

Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.
~Author Unknown

Dear Kevin,

I was doing good until I found some "things" that belonged to you. I was getting stuff ready for the yard sale this weekend and I found your tennis shoes. Inside one of your tennis shoes, stuffed in a plastic bag, I found your wallet with a few bucks, some loose change, your cigarette lighter, your car keys... also a half filled bottle of Drakkar cologne.

I don't know who put them there. Maybe I did and don't remember. I just know I was gripped by pain. Seeing those things reminded me of your absence. Those things are still here but you've moved on. I'm surprised the cologne hasn't evaporated! Hardly seems fair that "things" outlast people.

My soul aches and moans from within, a silent sobbing. I wonder why sometimes I can cry a river and get release. At other times, like tonite, nothing works. There is no release. I throw my cries out for help into the dark night... I wait for help - which will surely come. Oh, God, that awful pain again...

I ask a God who sees my shattered self... I need to know...
Why is it getting harder to cope with Kevin's death?
Why Kevin's "things" are still here but he is not?
What was God thinking by keeping me here? Why am I still here?
How long can a mother's soul endure this kind of anguish?
When will this nightmare end?
Why am I writing this?

Each day, Lord, I face many choices.
They are not easy choices.
Usually these choices involve
letting go of my past, my present.

I know what my past was,
I know my present.
But choice forces me into the future.
I'm not sure I like that choice.

It's hard to move forward, Lord.
It's hard to face my future.
The unknown always presents
it's fearful face...more so now.

It's hard to live under grace, Lord,
trying to survive all You've allowed.
That requires faith, Lord,
and I have very little.

So, help me, Lord.
Help me make that choice,
of when to let go...
and don't let me fall.

Kevin, my son, I love you more than life itself. Help me, let you go. Help me loosen my grip on you when everything in my being resists letting go...

mom