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December 2006
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12/31/06
THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, CONT'D.
12/28/06
12/19/06
12/6/06
Sunday, December 31, 2006
5:18:00 AM EST
Kevin James Bogert
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5:18:00 AM EST
THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, CONT'D.
Kevin James Bogert
8-18-71 to 2-28-03
The Holiday Dilemma
Life must go on and the dead be forgotten;
Life must go on, though good men die;
Anne eat your breakfast;
Dan take your medicine;
Life must go on;
I just forgot why.
---Edna St. Vincent Millay
Then comes a holiday, and the whole world wants to lay aside all else and have joy and celebrations and religious expressions and gifts and lights and you want to scream, “Not yet!’ What about my love? Are your forgetting the loss of my lifetime?” It all seems to trivialize the person and the loss. How could there be a celebration? How could there be joy? You are in a desperate quest for significance and suddenly you are the only one interested. The rest of the world seems to be saying, “put away all of that and come celebrate with us.” You can’t and you can’t help but feel anger that they can.
Holidays Can Create Conflict
It is easy to see how conflicts can develop. The family and friends want everything back to normal so the holidays can happen. You know there will never be such a thing as “normal” again. The want the holidays to go on just like they always have, you know that the holidays as usual deny the loss and trivialize the live or your love.
The pressure may become quite intense. “We need the holidays to be normal for the children”, or “This is what the person would have wanted.” There are many ways to say it, but the message is the same – it is time for you to get past your grief and get things back to the way they were. And that can’t be done.
Holidays Interrupt the Grieving Process
Grief is full time work. It dominates every waking moment and demands your full attention and all of your time. This is especially true in the first several months of the process. Grief is transition. Where you are today is not where you will be tomorrow. Every day presents a new set of thoughts and feelings that must be processed. Grief also demands all of the energy you can muster. As a result, you have neither the time nor the energy to give to the holiday. Just thinking of having to make preparations for some family gathering is enough to exhaust you for days.
Grief means you are living on survival level. The only thing you can do is survive each day. You may often feel that you have become a very selfish person and that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, but you are neither. Surviving is not the same as selfishness. Surviving is an inborn defense within each of as that turns all the energy we have inward to protecting our sanity and well being. When our emotional well being is attacked, surviving dominates us no matter who we are or how unselfish or normal lives are. When you are surviving, holidays seem far too trivial to even be considered.
This means the idea of shopping for Christmas presents, preparing for Hanukkah, oar attending some family celebration places demands upon you that you just cannot meet. My hope is that this little book will help you realize that and protect yourself without a great deal of guilt.
Holidays Make Demands on us We Can Not Fulfill
The holidays demand focus you cannot give. You may try, but you will not be able to tune in or concentrate on the holidays. You may well feel like a zombie going through the motions, but focus will not be there.
The holidays demand emotions you are not able to give. The depression of grief often exemplifies its presence not just by blue feelings, but also by no feelings at all. You feel detached and emotionally dead. You go through the motions, but feel as if you are outside your body watching yourself as you perform, but there is no emotional involvement on your part.
The holidays demand an act that will drain you completely dry. If you allow yourself to be forced into “business as usual” for the holidays, you must put on a smile and an act that is draining energy you do not have to give. An hour of this act is equivalent of a long hard day of labor. It is exhausting and you need all of your strength to get through your journey.
Life must go on and the dead be forgotten;
Life must go on, though good men die;
Anne eat your breakfast;
Dan take your medicine;
Life must go on;
I just forgot why.
---Edna St. Vincent Millay
Then comes a holiday, and the whole world wants to lay aside all else and have joy and celebrations and religious expressions and gifts and lights and you want to scream, “Not yet!’ What about my love? Are your forgetting the loss of my lifetime?” It all seems to trivialize the person and the loss. How could there be a celebration? How could there be joy? You are in a desperate quest for significance and suddenly you are the only one interested. The rest of the world seems to be saying, “put away all of that and come celebrate with us.” You can’t and you can’t help but feel anger that they can.
Holidays Can Create Conflict
It is easy to see how conflicts can develop. The family and friends want everything back to normal so the holidays can happen. You know there will never be such a thing as “normal” again. The want the holidays to go on just like they always have, you know that the holidays as usual deny the loss and trivialize the live or your love.
The pressure may become quite intense. “We need the holidays to be normal for the children”, or “This is what the person would have wanted.” There are many ways to say it, but the message is the same – it is time for you to get past your grief and get things back to the way they were. And that can’t be done.
Holidays Interrupt the Grieving Process
Grief is full time work. It dominates every waking moment and demands your full attention and all of your time. This is especially true in the first several months of the process. Grief is transition. Where you are today is not where you will be tomorrow. Every day presents a new set of thoughts and feelings that must be processed. Grief also demands all of the energy you can muster. As a result, you have neither the time nor the energy to give to the holiday. Just thinking of having to make preparations for some family gathering is enough to exhaust you for days.
Grief means you are living on survival level. The only thing you can do is survive each day. You may often feel that you have become a very selfish person and that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, but you are neither. Surviving is not the same as selfishness. Surviving is an inborn defense within each of as that turns all the energy we have inward to protecting our sanity and well being. When our emotional well being is attacked, surviving dominates us no matter who we are or how unselfish or normal lives are. When you are surviving, holidays seem far too trivial to even be considered.
This means the idea of shopping for Christmas presents, preparing for Hanukkah, oar attending some family celebration places demands upon you that you just cannot meet. My hope is that this little book will help you realize that and protect yourself without a great deal of guilt.
Holidays Make Demands on us We Can Not Fulfill
The holidays demand focus you cannot give. You may try, but you will not be able to tune in or concentrate on the holidays. You may well feel like a zombie going through the motions, but focus will not be there.
The holidays demand emotions you are not able to give. The depression of grief often exemplifies its presence not just by blue feelings, but also by no feelings at all. You feel detached and emotionally dead. You go through the motions, but feel as if you are outside your body watching yourself as you perform, but there is no emotional involvement on your part.
The holidays demand an act that will drain you completely dry. If you allow yourself to be forced into “business as usual” for the holidays, you must put on a smile and an act that is draining energy you do not have to give. An hour of this act is equivalent of a long hard day of labor. It is exhausting and you need all of your strength to get through your journey.
I love you, Kevin, more than life itself.
Mom
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12/31/06 6:12 PM
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