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7:32:00 PM EST
THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, CONT'D.
Kevin James Bogert
The Key to the Holidays is Permission
Joy and pain can live in the same house. Neither should deny the other – Tan Neng
If you boil down all the books written, all the speeches given, and all the seminars offered on the subject of grief, they all come down to one important essential concept. People need permission to grieve. It is the key to all progress in the grief journey. It is also the hardest thing to attain.
It is hard to get the permission to grieve from friends and family. They mean well. They want you to be well and happy, but in their zeal they try to trivialize your grief by giving you a new way to think about the loss, or they pressure you to act well long before you are.
I think there is a pattern to how friends usually approach the person in grief:
First they explain. They will fill the air with all kinds of reasons why the loss happened. They seem to know exactly what God had in mind and how He plans to work it all out for the better. Far too often instead of cheering you up, the explanations will break your heart. There is no end to the variations on explaining as to why bad things happen to us. Almost all of them end up defending God or nature at your expense, and few make you feel better.
Then they argue. If explanations do not work, then the arguments start. “Now you can’t let yourself feel that way. “ “It is time for you to get on with your life.“ “You need to look at things with a more positive outlook and be glad for the blessings you have.” The arguments are even less helpful than the explanations.
Then they criticize. IF the explanations and arguments do not get you kick started into a happy life, then they will begin to criticize. “You aren’t trying to get well.” “You are just wallowing in your grief.” “Do you enjoy feeling sorry for yourself?” I don’t even need to comment on how helpful the criticisms are.
I often say, if explanations worked, there should be no more war. IF arguments worked, there should be no more divorce, and if criticism was really constructive, I should be perfect.
Permission from others is tough, but giving yourself permission is an even greater battle. A woman said, “Every morning I gut up and say to myself. I will not ‘should’ on me today.” I love that. You may well should yourself into frustration saying, “I should be ready for the Holidays.” “I should do it for the children.” “I should not hinder the plans of the rest of the family.”
It is hard to tell yourself it is all right to be a weak. It is all right to not be “over it” by now. It is all right not to enjoy the Holidays this year. There will be other years. The world will still stand if one season of holidays is missed. It is all right to be the Grinch that stole the holiday this year.
What about the Children?
Of course the question of what to do about the children may come up. Families with children should involve the children in planning for the holidays. Decide together how this season will be done and stay with the plan. Unless the children are very young, and depending on the loss, they may also be in grief and have special needs for facing the holidays. These needs are best met by the family deciding together how this special year will work best.
There are always friends who want to help. Let them do the shopping for the children. If the loss is fresh, the holiday bedecked stores are more than you should have to experience.
Next year you can make it up to the children. They will survive.
Permission To Do What You Can
Most people don’t know how brave they really are. – R.E Chambers
You should feel free to decide what you can do and what you want to do for these holidays. If you have always cooked the turkey at Thanksgiving, you must be free to decide if that is something you can and want to do this year. You also need to think through what you want to do about house decorations, gift giving, parties and family functions. It helps to make a plan in advance and then structure the plan by letting family and friends know exactly what you plan to do and not to do. The structure should not rule you, bit it should be complete enough to cover most of the areas you will face. If the family knows in advance, they know what to ask of you. Hopefully they will stay within the boundaries you set.
Permission to be Where You Need to be
The son of a woman who worked in our office died of suicide. The first Christmas after his death, his parents and sisters went to Disney World. The extended family could not understand and applied almost unbearable pressure for them to not go. They were told that they needed to be together this one year more than ever. They were told that it was selfish to abandon the family at this time. They went anyway. This family had a tradition of making a very big deal out of Christmas and the grieving parents knew they just could not participate that first year. They were smart enough tom know they only way out was to leave town.
It is not possible for every family facing lost to go on a trip for the holidays, but you must force permission to be where you are comfortable, and not feel guilty for not being places where you are not comfortable. There may not be any explanation as to why you are comfortable in some settings and not in others, but that will be the experience. For some reason you will be able to relax with certain people and not with others. Often your best friends and family will not be on the relaxed list. That does not mean you like them less. It does not mean they are doing anything wrong. It just means that right now, you can find safety and peace in one spot and not another. Go to those spots and don’t feel guilty about the ones you miss. There will plenty of time to explain and make up later. Right now you need a safe place to be. Find one and spend the holidays there.
YOU ARE A BIG MISS, KEVIN! HUGE! LARGER THAN LIFE KINDA MISS!
I love you and will check back with you later tonite or tomorrow.
Mom
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1/1/07 9:48 AM
Happy New Year!
Prayers and Blessings!
_rRose
http://journals.aol.com/rrveh