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February 2007
Sunday, February 4, 2007
5:35:00 PM EST
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5:35:00 PM EST
CRYING TIME IS HERE AGAIN...
From my dark corner I look up and see wings fluttering against the window and know that a GOD who can make a butterfly from a caterpillar can surely make something new of me. God, give me the wisdom to make the right decisions and the peace to know it's out of my hands. Even now, I know GOD gives me strength to match my weakness. ~unknown
Dear Kevin,
How's it going with you? It's more of the same with me.
This morning I was reading some of my emails from the end of January - I'm way behind - and I came across a really neat movie flash. They were singing Spirit In The Sky. Well, let me tell you, that just set my soul to dancing. I was rocking out having a good time when all of a sudden I heard your voice yell out to me MOM, GET DOWN! LOL. I could almost see and hear you laughing. It startled me so that I stopped singing and listened... I didn't hear anymore. I did however breakdown and have a good cry. I guess that's what I needed. I MISS YOU SO MUCH! You'd think after almost four years...but NOT. This is your departure month. I need some of that strength that matches my weaknesses to get me through this month.
I read about people that say they have moved on or something to that effect. In my humble opinion, I believe they mean that they are still alive and functioning and surviving. You see, I doubt they have forgotten their loved ones enough to move on. I doubt that the gapping hole left in their hearts has been healed. If they are honest with themselves, most will have those moments of coming unhinged or falling apart. Or, maybe the love and relationship with their loved ones was totally different from that of mine or others. I haven't moved on nor am I in any hurry to do so. Time has a way of changing us. And if we allow it to, time and every one of our experiences can and will change us - how it changes us is up to us.
My reality and honesty is this, Kevin. You are only a breath away. That's real and that's okay by me. I wish it could be different but it's not and that's okay, too. I've come to some sort of acceptance on that one. Losing a child leaves a parent with such a great emptiness for that child. A great void that can never be filled. As parents we learn more lessons on love. I had to LEARN how to breathe normal again. I had to LEARN how to live with the absence of your physical presence. I had to LEARN to live with that suffocating, GOD awful pain. I had to LEARN to LIVE each and every day when every living, breathing part of me called out for my death. This is real, also. I read somewhere, "of all the agonies life can bring, it's grief, more than anything else that teaches us to be completely honest with GOD." Whoever wrote that must have known what they were writing about. Words of wisdom for us surviving parents and all who have lost significant loved ones.
Kevin, I want you to know that Chelsea is doing better in the new school she's in. She seems to like it. But you probably already knew that. There was a lady in one of my groups that lost her 17 year old daughter this past November. We just found out she lost a second daughter, 25 years old, in January of this year. So, so sad. I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through and I pray that I never have to. We have about a dozen parents that have lost two or more children to suicide - a parent's worst fear.
Gotta close for now. I'll get back to you again in a couple of days. I love you more that life itself and miss you something fierce.
Mom
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This entry has 2 comments: (Add your own)
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I am sorry for your tears, hon, but so glad you're still able to cry; to know that you're no longer numb. I cannot say I've ever lost a child, but know, from reading your journal, and being your friend, that it is the greatest pain there is, except that,which our Heavely FATHER suffered when HIS SON died upon the cross. I am glad you are posting, because painful as it is, it helps so many others. Bless you, my sweet friend, for finding courage to share. It is one of the hardest things to do when we hurt. Love you so much.
Big hugs, and all my love,
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/FROMBARBSSPIRITUALJOURNA LS
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/THERESTOFTHESTORY
4/10/07 10:51 PM
It's a long story but the short of it is that she is gone and the laws allow this 17 year old chld to make those kinds of choices and there is nothing I can do about it.
I don't know which is worse, loosing a child to death or loosing a child that chose to walk away. Either way, nothing takes the pain out of your heart. I don't think it ever goes away but what I do think happens is that you learn to put it all into some kind of perspective you can live with and go on. Go on through the guilt, the pain, the loss, the absence everything. People tell me I need to move on but I agree with you in that it feels impossible to move forward without my baby.
God bless you. Keep coming to my journal.