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8/18/07
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
6:11:00 AM EDT
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6:11:00 AM EDT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
She was no longer wrestlling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot
Dear Kevin,
Happy Birthday to you, my son.
It's been a long time since I've written in your journal...not because I've forgotten you but because I haven't been well.
I was remembering the day you were born. I remember looking down on your scowling face and couldn't help but to smile. You looked annoyed at being forced out of the comfort zone of my womb where if you had your way, you would have stayed there forever. Leaving that safe and secure place did not make for a happy camper...(smiling)...you looked so funny yet so adorable. This was my first introduction to you. I fell in love with you immediately. By the way, that scowl became your trademark for life.
I MISS you so much, Kevin. I don't mean to "rain on your parade" by grieving your spirit. I just happen to be a mother who loves you more than life itself and whose heart and soul have been wounded beyond human repair. Grief was your parting gift to me...and to all who love and miss you still. It is proof of your existence. It is proof of the love we share and how you interacted in our lives to make us love and miss you so. It is the ultimate lesson in love...taught by none other than you. The memory of your existence is woven into the essence of my soul forever. I will think, feel, sense, and breathe you every day until I die.
Remember how the butterflies used to fly around you? They use to bug you so. I've learned a great deal about grief through the butterfly. The struggle and transformation of the butterfly emerging from it's cocoon as a butterfly andno longer a caterpillar is similar to the process of grief. It's in the struggle that the butterfly develops its strong wings that will allow it to fly. Oh, what a painful process it goes through to be free.
I am emerging very slowly, and at times still painfully, from my grief. The struggle of transformation and emergence is much like the struggle of the butterfly. Grief is a struggle at first...and at times still is. Grief takes time and understanding. Grief brings changes. Grief is a very slow process that won't be rushed nor dismissed nor forgotten. Grief is teaching me to rebuild my life and embrace the physical absence of you. Grief has taught me to see you and communicate with you in a different way...you're still my son, Kevin...the same beautiful spirit being that once walked amongst us. Oh, what a painful process grief is.
I am grateful for the gift of having you as a son and all the memories we built together...no matter how bittersweet they are, they sustain and bring some measure of comfort to my soul when missing you becomes intolerable.
Thirty-six years ago, today, you came into the world. It was your birthday but the gift was mine. Happy Birthday, Kevin....thirty-one forever...
I love and miss you more that life itself.
Mom
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This entry has 2 comments: (Add your own)
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Sweet Gloria, I can only imagine how hard this journey had been for you, yet you walk it. Oh, sometimes you walk slower, sometimes have to force yourself, but you walk. And while walking, you courageously opened your life's pages to us all. I thank you for that, knowing how painful doing it has been. You are in my prayers every day, and in the prayers of all who love you. "Happy Birthday, Kevin."
God bless you, my friend.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK
8/22/07 11:28 PM
I don't know if death is worse than when the living run away but the pain is the same, absence of someone you brought into this world and gave your life for.
I don't know a lot of things but I do know grieg and have encountered it many times in my life. It's crippling and life changing. The stress of it ages your mind, spirit and body. You know you have to go forward or lay down and die but some days, dying seems easier than another day of pain.
I almost died of a broken heart when my daughter left. It's just been recently that I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to live another day of my life in pain. So, I have given it all over to the Lord and pray for his healing and direction.
I won't forget my daughter, won't stop praying for her but I refuse to let it destroy me anymore. I pray for peace and courage for you. I know your son would not want you to grieve like you do. I will keep you in my thoughts.