To Kevin With Love...Mom Part 3: Weep Not For The Cocoon, For The Butterfly Is Free...

Shadow Grief

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 03:14:49 GMT

Dear Kevin,

Today, I was reading some articles on grief and I came across some interesting concepts of "shadow grief" and what it means. The following is what I found describing shadow grief.

I love you more than life itself and miss you big time.

Mom

Shadow Grief...

A constant and underlying dull ache in the emotional center/ center of the soul.

The absence of color in life...the world turned grey.

Moments of mirth and moments of peace but the underlying pain is always there...varying in degrees according to the circumstances and times of the year.

A form of chronic grief which may stay with the parent for years...long after the main grieving is resolved.

Recurrence of grief especially on certain anniversaries or holidays...it feels like the loss is happening all over again.

The intense sadness that overcomes us when least expected...like a shadow from the past that darkens the day, the mood, the moment. Often called a "griefburst" - a reliving of grief that can occur at anytime, usually at the most unexpected moments, and comes and goes for a lifetime.

The aftermath and/or ramifications following the grief process.

Grieving which doesn't significantly inhibit daily functioning.

A constant empty space, continuing emotional dullness feeling like the loss of a body part...phantom pain

Unresolved sadness or unresolved "background" grief

Rana K. Limbo and Sarah Rich Wheeler

The Grieving Heart

Libba's Presentation

POS/PF/TCF Groups

Happy Birthday To You...

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 17:37:05 GMT

Dear Kevin,

Thought you might enjoy these on your birthday...love you, mom

The Glass wing Butterfly, Lives in South America. A butterfly with transparent wings is rare and beautiful.

As delicate as finely blown glass, the presence of the rare tropical gem is used by rain forest ecologists as an indication of high habitat quality and its demise alerts them of ecological change. Rivaling the refined beauty of a stained glass window, the translucent wings of the Glasswing butterfly shimmer sunlight like polished panes of turquoise, orange, green, and red.

All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

Only God could create something so beautiful!!!!!

Isn't it beautiful?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 10:11:05 GMT

She was no longer wrestlling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot

Dear Kevin,

Happy Birthday to you, my son.

It's been a long time since I've written in your journal...not because I've forgotten you but because I haven't been well.

I was remembering the day you were born. I remember looking down on your scowling face and couldn't help but to smile. You looked annoyed at being forced out of the comfort zone of my womb where if you had your way, you would have stayed there forever. Leaving that safe and secure place did not make for a happy camper...(smiling)...you looked so funny yet so adorable. This was my first introduction to you. I fell in love with you immediately. By the way, that scowl became your trademark for life.

I MISS you so much, Kevin. I don't mean to "rain on your parade" by grieving your spirit. I just happen to be a mother who loves you more than life itself and whose heart and soul have been wounded beyond human repair. Grief was your parting gift to me...and to all who love and miss you still. It is proof of your existence. It is proof of the love we share and how you interacted in our lives to make us love and miss you so. It is the ultimate lesson in love...taught by none other than you. The memory of your existence is woven into the essence of my soul forever. I will think, feel, sense, and breathe you every day until I die.

Remember how the butterflies used to fly around you? They use to bug you so. I've learned a great deal about grief through the butterfly. The struggle and transformation of the butterfly emerging from it's cocoon as a butterfly andno longer a caterpillar is similar to the process of grief. It's in the struggle that the butterfly develops its strong wings that will allow it to fly. Oh, what a painful process it goes through to be free.

I am emerging very slowly, and at times still painfully, from my grief. The struggle of transformation and emergence is much like the struggle of the butterfly. Grief is a struggle at first...and at times still is. Grief takes time and understanding. Grief brings changes. Grief is a very slow process that won't be rushed nor dismissed nor forgotten. Grief is teaching me to rebuild my life and embrace the physical absence of you. Grief has taught me to see you and communicate with you in a different way...you're still my son, Kevin...the same beautiful spirit being that once walked amongst us. Oh, what a painful process grief is.

I am grateful for the gift of having you as a son and all the memories we built together...no matter how bittersweet they are, they sustain and bring some measure of comfort to my soul when missing you becomes intolerable.

Thirty-six years ago, today, you came into the world. It was your birthday but the gift was mine. Happy Birthday, Kevin....thirty-one forever...

I love and miss you more that life itself.

Mom

CRYING TIME IS HERE AGAIN...

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 22:35:09 GMT

From my dark corner I look up and see wings fluttering against the window and know that a GOD who can make a butterfly from a caterpillar can surely make something new of me. God, give me the wisdom to make the right decisions and the peace to know it's out of my hands. Even now, I know GOD gives me strength to match my weakness. ~unknown

Dear Kevin,

How's it going with you? It's more of the same with me.

This morning I was reading some of my emails from the end of January - I'm way behind - and I came across a really neat movie flash. They were singing Spirit In The Sky. Well, let me tell you, that just set my soul to dancing. I was rocking out having a good time when all of a sudden I heard your voice yell out to me MOM, GET DOWN! LOL. I could almost see and hear you laughing. It startled me so that I stopped singing and listened... I didn't hear anymore. I did however breakdown and have a good cry. I guess that's what I needed. I MISS YOU SO MUCH! You'd think after almost four years...but NOT. This is your departure month. I need some of that strength that matches my weaknesses to get me through this month.

I read about people that say they have moved on or something to that effect. In my humble opinion, I believe they mean that they are still alive and functioning and surviving. You see, I doubt they have forgotten their loved ones enough to move on. I doubt that the gapping hole left in their hearts has been healed. If they are honest with themselves, most will have those moments of coming unhinged or falling apart. Or, maybe the love and relationship with their loved ones was totally different from that of mine or others. I haven't moved on nor am I in any hurry to do so. Time has a way of changing us. And if we allow it to, time and every one of our experiences can and will change us - how it changes us is up to us.

My reality and honesty is this, Kevin. You are only a breath away. That's real and that's okay by me. I wish it could be different but it's not and that's okay, too. I've come to some sort of acceptance on that one. Losing a child leaves a parent with such a great emptiness for that child. A great void that can never be filled. As parents we learn more lessons on love. I had to LEARN how to breathe normal again. I had to LEARN how to live with the absence of your physical presence. I had to LEARN to live with that suffocating, GOD awful pain. I had to LEARN to LIVE each and every day when every living, breathing part of me called out for my death. This is real, also. I read somewhere, "of all the agonies life can bring, it's grief, more than anything else that teaches us to be completely honest with GOD." Whoever wrote that must have known what they were writing about. Words of wisdom for us surviving parents and all who have lost significant loved ones.

Kevin, I want you to know that Chelsea is doing better in the new school she's in. She seems to like it. But you probably already knew that. There was a lady in one of my groups that lost her 17 year old daughter this past November. We just found out she lost a second daughter, 25 years old, in January of this year. So, so sad. I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through and I pray that I never have to. We have about a dozen parents that have lost two or more children to suicide - a parent's worst fear.

Gotta close for now. I'll get back to you again in a couple of days. I love you more that life itself and miss you something fierce.

Mom

THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, CONT'D.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 12:35:13 GMT

Dear Kevin,

This is the last of the series on Thoughts For The Holidays. I was a little late getting it up but hopefully it did some good to those who read it.

I am very tired tonight so I'll just say goodnight and hope to see you in my dreams.

I love you more than life itself,

Mom

Permission To Do What You Can

Most people don’t know how brave they really are. – R.E Chambers

You should feel free to decide what you can do and what you want to do for these holidays. If you have always cooked the turkey at Thanksgiving, you must be free to decide if that is something you can and want to do this year. You also need to think through what you want to do about house decorations, gift giving, parties and family functions. It helps to make a plan in advance and then structure the plan by letting family and friends know exactly what you plan to do and not to do. The structure should not rule you, bit it should be complete enough to cover most of the areas you will face. If the family knows in advance, they know what to ask of you. Hopefully they will stay within the boundaries you set.

Permission to be Where You Need to be

The son of a woman who worked in our office died of suicide. The first Christmas after his death, his parents and sisters went to Disney World. The extended family could not understand and applied almost unbearable pressure for them to not go. They were told that they needed to be together this one year more than ever. They were told that it was selfish to abandon the family at this time. They went anyway. This family had a tradition of making a very big deal out of Christmas and the grieving parents knew they just could not participate that first year. They were smart enough tom know they only way out was to leave town.

It is not possible for every family facing lost to go on a trip for the holidays, but you must force permission to be where you are comfortable, and not feel guilty for not being places where you are not comfortable. There may not be any explanation as to why you are comfortable in some settings and not in others, but that will be the experience. For some reason you will be able to relax with certain people and not with others. Often your best friends and family will not be on the relaxed list. That does not mean you like them less. It does not mean they are doing anything wrong. It just means that right now, you can find safety and peace in one spot and not another. Go to those spots and don’t feel guilty about the ones you miss. There will plenty of time to explain and make up later. Right now you need a safe place to be. Find one and spend the holidays there.

Permission to Change Traditions

When someone I love dies, I buy a candle. There are twelve across my mantle now: one for my father, one for my mother, one for my daughter, two for my grandfathers, and sever for my babies who where born too soon.
It is a simple comforting act to light them in reverent remembrance of each life. Whenever anyone stops to count these candles, the question I am most frequently asked is, “How did you do it? How did you survive?” My usual answer: “ I don’t know.”
--Dana Gensler
Twelve Candles

The family may not understand. But the traditions must change. Every family has their own traditions that often have developed over several generations. These can become almost sacred within the family and there may be great resistance to any changes offered, but some traditions must be either changed or at least put off for a time. For example, if stockings where always hung at Christmas and a child dies in the family, what is to be done about the stockings next Christmas? Hang all of them up and act as if the child did not die? Hang all but one up and call attention to the los in graphic illustration? Or just quietly let the stockings go for a time? In the future, it may become appropriate to have stockings again but, until then, there must be a change in tradition.

A good rule is – if it hurts don’t do it. If it is so painful that you cannot think about it without reacting, then leave it alone for a time.

Our grandson, Isaac, was born on Christmas Eve and died on Christmas Day. When he died, our Christmas holidays changed forever. As the first one approached I had to try to figure out what was appropriate. What traditions could remain and which ones had to change. We had to figure out how to honor the holidays at the same time we were experiencing the anniversary of his death.

Over the seven years since Isaac died we have evolved our own tradition. Just before the family opens the presents, we pause to remind the family how old Isaac would be and how we would have enjoyed him in the same way we enjoy the other grandchildren. Then a candle is lit in his honor. For the first several years, I always produced the candle and led the service. Gradually the grandchildren have taken on the task on their own initiative. With no prompting from me, one of them will ask if he or she can light the candle. In this small way we keep Isaac alive in our memories and in our family.

Many families plant a tree, or find some other permanent memorial that can be shared during this time. You must feel free to change any tradition necessary and to start new ones in honor of the person who has died.

Three Bullets and God

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 17:59:32 GMT

"I don't think of him every day;
I think of him every hour of every day."
~ Gregory Peck, in an interview
many years after his son's death

Dear Kevin,

Happy New Year to you, son. Another year just flew by and a new one begins. It seems like even time is in the fast lane. The years go by faster and faster with each passing year.

I hated the first new year after your death. I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to move into a new year without you. I wanted so desperately to stay in the year 2003. You lived in that year and I wanted to stay in that year. I didn't want to leave you behind. As the clock ticked away, making it's way towards midnight, I became panicky! I wanted to stop time but could not. I couldn't breathe, my heart felt like it wanted to stop on me, and my soul just wailed in silence for you. I felt myself scream but with no sound effects. God, these anniversaries of the heart are so trying - they take you through the valley of the shadow of death over and over again.

But, here I am welcoming the new year in - no panic attacks, no wailing, just missing you so very much. That never goes away.

Wishing Mr. God, you, and all the heavenly beings a very happy new year!

Below, I've included something to share.

I love you, Kevin and miss you more than life itself.

Mom

There once was a man who had nothing for his family to eat. He had an old
rifle and three bullets. So, he decided that he would go out hunting and
kill some wild game for dinner.

As he went down the road, he saw a rabbit. He shot at the rabbit and missed
it. The rabbit ran away.

Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the squirrel and missed it. The
squirrel disappeared into a hole in a cottonwood tree.

As he went further, he saw a large wild "Tom" turkey in the tree, but he had
only one bullet remaining. A voice spoke to him and said, "Pray
first, aim high and stay focused." However, at the same time, he saw a deer
which was a better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer. But,
then he saw a rattlesnake between his legs about to bite him, so he
naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake.
Still, the voice said again to him, "I said 'Pray, Aim high and Stay
focused."

So, the man decided to listen to God's voice. He prayed, then aimed the gun
high up in the tree and shot the wild turkey. The bullet bounced
off the turkey and killed the deer. The handle fell off the gun and hit the
snake in the head and killed it. And, when the gun had gone off, it
knocked the man into a pond. When he stood up to look around, he had fish in
all his pockets, a dead deer and a turkey to feed his family. The
snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man listened to God.

Moral of the story: Pray first before you do anything, Aim and shoot high in
your goals, and stay focused on God. Never let others discourage you
concerning your past. The past is exactly that "the past." Live every day
one day at a time and remember that only God knows our future and that he
will not put you through any more than you can bear. Do not look to man for
your blessings, but look to God only. He has prepared in advance for you in
your favor. Wait, be still and patient: keep God first and everything else
will follow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

Thank you all for your friendly visits and your warm and caring comments you leave behind. Blessed be.

Gloria

THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, CONT'D.

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 00:32:25 GMT

Kevin James Bogert

8-18-71 to 2-28-03

The Key to the Holidays is Permission
Joy and pain can live in the same house. Neither should deny the other – Tan Neng

If you boil down all the books written, all the speeches given, and all the seminars offered on the subject of grief, they all come down to one important essential concept. People need permission to grieve. It is the key to all progress in the grief journey. It is also the hardest thing to attain.

It is hard to get the permission to grieve from friends and family. They mean well. They want you to be well and happy, but in their zeal they try to trivialize your grief by giving you a new way to think about the loss, or they pressure you to act well long before you are.

I think there is a pattern to how friends usually approach the person in grief:

First they explain. They will fill the air with all kinds of reasons why the loss happened. They seem to know exactly what God had in mind and how He plans to work it all out for the better. Far too often instead of cheering you up, the explanations will break your heart. There is no end to the variations on explaining as to why bad things happen to us. Almost all of them end up defending God or nature at your expense, and few make you feel better.

Then they argue. If explanations do not work, then the arguments start. “Now you can’t let yourself feel that way. “ “It is time for you to get on with your life.“ “You need to look at things with a more positive outlook and be glad for the blessings you have.” The arguments are even less helpful than the explanations.

Then they criticize. IF the explanations and arguments do not get you kick started into a happy life, then they will begin to criticize. “You aren’t trying to get well.” “You are just wallowing in your grief.” “Do you enjoy feeling sorry for yourself?” I don’t even need to comment on how helpful the criticisms are.

I often say, if explanations worked, there should be no more war. IF arguments worked, there should be no more divorce, and if criticism was really constructive, I should be perfect.

Permission from others is tough, but giving yourself permission is an even greater battle. A woman said, “Every morning I gut up and say to myself. I will not ‘should’ on me today.” I love that. You may well should yourself into frustration saying, “I should be ready for the Holidays.” “I should do it for the children.” “I should not hinder the plans of the rest of the family.”

It is hard to tell yourself it is all right to be a weak. It is all right to not be “over it” by now. It is all right not to enjoy the Holidays this year. There will be other years. The world will still stand if one season of holidays is missed. It is all right to be the Grinch that stole the holiday this year.

What about the Children?

Of course the question of what to do about the children may come up. Families with children should involve the children in planning for the holidays. Decide together how this season will be done and stay with the plan. Unless the children are very young, and depending on the loss, they may also be in grief and have special needs for facing the holidays. These needs are best met by the family deciding together how this special year will work best.

There are always friends who want to help. Let them do the shopping for the children. If the loss is fresh, the holiday bedecked stores are more than you should have to experience.

Next year you can make it up to the children. They will survive.

Permission To Do What You Can

Most people don’t know how brave they really are. – R.E Chambers

You should feel free to decide what you can do and what you want to do for these holidays. If you have always cooked the turkey at Thanksgiving, you must be free to decide if that is something you can and want to do this year. You also need to think through what you want to do about house decorations, gift giving, parties and family functions. It helps to make a plan in advance and then structure the plan by letting family and friends know exactly what you plan to do and not to do. The structure should not rule you, bit it should be complete enough to cover most of the areas you will face. If the family knows in advance, they know what to ask of you. Hopefully they will stay within the boundaries you set.

Permission to be Where You Need to be

The son of a woman who worked in our office died of suicide. The first Christmas after his death, his parents and sisters went to Disney World. The extended family could not understand and applied almost unbearable pressure for them to not go. They were told that they needed to be together this one year more than ever. They were told that it was selfish to abandon the family at this time. They went anyway. This family had a tradition of making a very big deal out of Christmas and the grieving parents knew they just could not participate that first year. They were smart enough tom know they only way out was to leave town.

It is not possible for every family facing lost to go on a trip for the holidays, but you must force permission to be where you are comfortable, and not feel guilty for not being places where you are not comfortable. There may not be any explanation as to why you are comfortable in some settings and not in others, but that will be the experience. For some reason you will be able to relax with certain people and not with others. Often your best friends and family will not be on the relaxed list. That does not mean you like them less. It does not mean they are doing anything wrong. It just means that right now, you can find safety and peace in one spot and not another. Go to those spots and don’t feel guilty about the ones you miss. There will plenty of time to explain and make up later. Right now you need a safe place to be. Find one and spend the holidays there.

YOU ARE A BIG MISS, KEVIN! HUGE! LARGER THAN LIFE KINDA MISS!

I love you and will check back with you later tonite or tomorrow.

Mom

THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, CONT'D.

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:18:35 GMT

Kevin James Bogert

8-18-71 to 2-28-03

The Holiday Dilemma

Life must go on and the dead be forgotten;
Life must go on, though good men die;
Anne eat your breakfast;
Dan take your medicine;
Life must go on;
I just forgot why.

---Edna St. Vincent Millay

Then comes a holiday, and the whole world wants to lay aside all else and have joy and celebrations and religious expressions and gifts and lights and you want to scream, “Not yet!’ What about my love? Are your forgetting the loss of my lifetime?” It all seems to trivialize the person and the loss. How could there be a celebration? How could there be joy? You are in a desperate quest for significance and suddenly you are the only one interested. The rest of the world seems to be saying, “put away all of that and come celebrate with us.” You can’t and you can’t help but feel anger that they can.

Holidays Can Create Conflict

It is easy to see how conflicts can develop. The family and friends want everything back to normal so the holidays can happen. You know there will never be such a thing as “normal” again. The want the holidays to go on just like they always have, you know that the holidays as usual deny the loss and trivialize the live or your love.

The pressure may become quite intense. “We need the holidays to be normal for the children”, or “This is what the person would have wanted.” There are many ways to say it, but the message is the same – it is time for you to get past your grief and get things back to the way they were. And that can’t be done.

Holidays Interrupt the Grieving Process

Grief is full time work. It dominates every waking moment and demands your full attention and all of your time. This is especially true in the first several months of the process. Grief is transition. Where you are today is not where you will be tomorrow. Every day presents a new set of thoughts and feelings that must be processed. Grief also demands all of the energy you can muster. As a result, you have neither the time nor the energy to give to the holiday. Just thinking of having to make preparations for some family gathering is enough to exhaust you for days.

Grief means you are living on survival level. The only thing you can do is survive each day. You may often feel that you have become a very selfish person and that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, but you are neither. Surviving is not the same as selfishness. Surviving is an inborn defense within each of as that turns all the energy we have inward to protecting our sanity and well being. When our emotional well being is attacked, surviving dominates us no matter who we are or how unselfish or normal lives are. When you are surviving, holidays seem far too trivial to even be considered.

This means the idea of shopping for Christmas presents, preparing for Hanukkah, oar attending some family celebration places demands upon you that you just cannot meet. My hope is that this little book will help you realize that and protect yourself without a great deal of guilt.

Holidays Make Demands on us We Can Not Fulfill

The holidays demand focus you cannot give. You may try, but you will not be able to tune in or concentrate on the holidays. You may well feel like a zombie going through the motions, but focus will not be there.

The holidays demand emotions you are not able to give. The depression of grief often exemplifies its presence not just by blue feelings, but also by no feelings at all. You feel detached and emotionally dead. You go through the motions, but feel as if you are outside your body watching yourself as you perform, but there is no emotional involvement on your part.

The holidays demand an act that will drain you completely dry. If you allow yourself to be forced into “business as usual” for the holidays, you must put on a smile and an act that is draining energy you do not have to give. An hour of this act is equivalent of a long hard day of labor. It is exhausting and you need all of your strength to get through your journey.

I love you, Kevin, more than life itself.

Mom

THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, CONT'D.

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 17:57:03 GMT

Kevin James Bogert

8-18-71 to 2-28-03

From The Gates of Prayers

The Significance of Significance

The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss ---
that is all. It will take the mind and memory months and possibly years to gather the details and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss

Mark Twain

The first thing we want to do and the first thing we need to do, after a loss is establish the significance of the loss and the person. This is human nature. When bad things happen to us we feel an intense need to tell someone. Matter of fact, we tell several “someones” until we are understood and our loss is noted by others. When the loss has been fully realized we can move on in our journey, but if it is not noticed, or if it is made light of, our journey seems to stall and we cannot move.

There are at least three areas where significance must be established:

First, You need to establish the significance of the person. There is no way to know the value of a person until they are lost. When a loved one is gone, we begin discovering what they meant to us. Every day will bring to mind some other part of who they were and what they meant. Every day you will think of something you did together, something they said, little traits that made them unique, pet names you used, and new things you want to talk over with them. You will get a deep feeling of closeness with anyone who will talk about the person. Friends may find this difficult and be afraid of hurting you by bringing up the subject, but nothing feels better. The number one need right now is to establish the significance of this person. You want to scream, “Hey world, look at my love and weep with me over my tremendous loss.”

Second, you need to establish the significance of your loss. It is almost as if you must inventory the loss before you can begin to grieve it. Now you can understand what needs were met by this love in your life. Too often we take things for granted. We accept love, companionship, friendship, joy, laughter, and peace as just part of living. When they are gone, we inventory those losses and we want the world to recognize how deeply they are missed.

Third, you need to establish the social significance of you loved one. We want to know how much this child or other significant person meant to others. Hearing the praise of the family and friends feels wonderful. They also loved. They also hurt. They also miss. This person and this loss are important This person mattered and will continue to matter for years to come.

THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS...

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 07:08:39 GMT

Kevin James Bogert

8-18-71 to 2-28-03

Dear Kevin,

For the next few days, I will be sharing some messages of grief for those who are facing the upcoming holidays without their loved ones. I hope they are of some help to those in need.

I love you, Kevin, and miss you so much! I still have a rough time even though it will be almost four years come February 28, 2007. It doesn't seem possible that you've been gone so long when my heart still hurts as if it was yesterday...

Gates of Prayer

Reform Judaism Prayer Book

In the rising of the sun and in its going down, we remember them;

In the blowing of the wind and the chill of winter, we remember them;

In the opening of the buds and in the warmth of summer, we remember them;

In the rustling of the leaves and the beauty of autumn, we remember them;

In the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them;

So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are now a part of us as we remember them.

Thoughts For The Holidays

The Waves of Grief

The ocean has its ebbings - so has grief. (Proverb)

Wherever you are in your grief journey, you have probably found that grief comes in waves that seem to overcome your being. You may have figured out that some of these waves are fairly predictable and seem to almost be on some hidden schedule, while others hit for no apparent reason without warning. Some people say they have been overwhelmed by a sudden wave in the grocery store or some other public place.

Most likely, you have figured out that all of the special days in a year bring on a wave that starts about thirty days before the event and builds until the day arrives. The anniversaries of birth, marriage, death or other significant times seem to hit with a vengeance.

Then the holidays happen...

Those times of great joy and family involvement now must be faced with fear and dread - Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day and even Valentine's Day - all bring on a tidal wave of grief that must be faced and handled with care.

Why do the holidays hurt?

On the surface, it is hard to see how the holidays could possibly cause a problem. They are times of great happiness and, to those that have never been through a grief, you look like someone who needs some cheering up and a break from your sadness. To others, the holidays are family times and it always helps to be around family and friends. That never fails to bring cheer to a lonely heart, so your family and friends will probably be convinced that the holidays are just what you need. They may bring great pressure upon you to join in with the enthusiasm so you can get away from your grief for a time of joy. They do not understand that the holidays themselves can create some added burdens and added sorrows.

After the loss of a loved one, the first time you laugh you will most likely feel a twinge of guilt. It will not seem proper. You may feel you are not being true to the memory of your loved one if you laugh. You may well feel you are not honoring who they were or the seriousness of the loss. The holidays create the same kind of guilt. "How can I dare have fun when my loved one is gone?" may be the message of your heart.