Daughters of the Shadow Men

12:53:38 AM EDT

His cousin Colette took this photo.  I think it has soul.  Great job, Colette. 

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12:20:31 AM EDT

First of all here is my new State ID photo I just got yesterday.  They asked me if I wanted to keep the old photo which was taken ten years ago  I told Doc I said no because I thought I would look younger in a new one. He said that I did look younger at 77.  He thought it had something to do with meeting him of course.  When I was on the bus I was talking to a resident about living down town.  I said, "I like living downtown.  I want to be where all the action is."  People all around us laughed who overheard me.  

So I thought that was a good way to start out as 77.  Doc who is still somewhat subdued but only drinking slightly agreed to go with me to Walmart today.  That was my treat.  We made it worth our while.  And he paid for everything. 

When we came back I had an e-mail from Raymond that Caffeine was up, so I watched that, which was a treat: http://caffeinetv.net  My daughter Ronda called to wish me Happy Birthday. Ethan, my grandson,  sang it to me.  My three sisters had already sent gifts and wished me happy. 

Then I watched a wonderful night of dancing on mine and Ronda's favorite show, "So You Think You Can Dance?"  And tonight was spectacular.  The four couples danced extremely well.  Mark and Comfort did get panned for their fox trot after doing a great hip hop number.  They will probably be the couple eliminated tomorrow night.  The rest of the dancers were just too good.

My son Gary was concerned that last week was my birthday, but did forget it today.  I expect to hear from him soon though. 

Doc after losing the red alcoholic look is somewhat pale and tonight his hands were a little cold, but he was no longer shaky and he endured our trip to Walmart okay, carrying a heavy load.  I have to marvel again at the basic good health this guy must have had.  Pierre scared me to death when he came off alcohol.  But if Doc was scared he kept it to himself.  He did not call me or tell me when he was at his worst. 

I have no idea what he can do now or how close he is to quitting.  But this is the furtherest he has gone in that direction in the three years I have known him.  So that has been a really really good birthday present from him to me.  I am sure he timed it that way.     

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6:01:11 PM EDT

Dante is "Sydney" again in Episode 7 and it was funny. 

I was able to watch the last four new episodes.  I got a kick out of them.  I had some trouble getting Episode 6 and some of the first ones.  But I got the last four easily that have just bee posted. Dante is "Sydney" in No. 3, too.  I loved how notable books get worked into each episode and serve as the theme. 

I just got an e-mail from Raymond who had met Fernando in Cedar City, Utah to see some plays at the Shakespeare Festival. He was able to see all of them  So this is the first season.  Fernando and Tracee both had extended parts.  I loved the one where Tracee is just back from China and has organized a protest march with posters saying, "FREE TIBET!"  This is a timely episode you will enjoy.  Raymond was excited because they had been all been posted on the website. He urged us all to go there as often as possible.  I already watched my grandson perform in No 3 and No 7 more times!     http://caffeinetv.net   

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5:48:36 AM EDT

I did not think Doc could drink that small amount of alcohol in a day without going into severe delirium tremens.  He indicated he had been in delirium tremens the last couple of days but was too scared over the end result of a week long bigger than usual drinking binge not to risk it.  Doc would do anything to keep from consulting a doctor, so he just weathered the withdrawal. I did not allow myself to entertain a whole lot of hope because I have no idea whether he can continue to cut back indefinitely.  But it seemed good to me to have him that sober even though he is not too well.  He could not for example act in a video.  He is just a little bit this side of being very sick.  But he did say he finally got some sleep after several sleepless nights  It is a change all right. 

 

Subdued Doc, not jazzed

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10:00:06 PM EDT

I took this photo from a beautiful calendar they made in 2001 with poses of them in front of monuments all over the world.

David would be related 4 different ways to my sons, Raymond and Gary as H's father came from the same town as my ex and was his first cousin.  He is related one way to my younger children through H's mother, my aunt. Looks like acting runs in the blood.  I told H about my dancing daughter. 

I love this one.  David is also a lawyer, but I would say from these photos he was born to dance.

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10:10:51 AM EDT

I had an extraordinary conversation yesterday with a first cousin of mine who has been very active in the Mormon Church.  He is 90 now, but alert as can be, still working selling real estate. 

When I first started surfacing my observations about my dad with the belief that he was homosexual I called and talked to H who initially had a very bad reaction.  This was some years ago. But this time when I brought up the subject again, he was not thrown.  I feel he had given my last call some thought and was prepared to discuss it some without flying off the handle. 

Since we are both pretty old this is preparation for the next world as well as trying to get more understanding in this one.  I was able to tell him my remarkable dream about our grandmother coming to me in a dream to tell me that she had to go to something like a hospital there for several years.  When I asked her why she said simply, "Because I did not understand what had happened to my sons."  All her sons suffered tragic deaths before they were fifty except for my dad. I feel he survived because of his more liberal thinking daughters. They accepted him and his problems better. 

I told H I thought my dad more than any of the other brothers may have had what is generally called the gay gene, that is he was the most predisposed to homosexuality.  I think there is a difference between people who are molested by the same sex but do not have this predisposition.  These are the ones most likely to repeat the pattern and become molesters themselves because of what has been done to them.  In some case, as with my dad, he may have been molested as a child also to the point that it helped altered his ability to leave the underaged strictly alone.  Although I do not think that he focused on the underaged as a pedofile does. I have known many who I think were capable of crossing the line to involve the underaged, but did not become full blown dangerous pedofiles. 

But you can't imagine what this talk did for me to have my cousin who is obviously a very bright man start treating me with more respect, actually listening to me and taking in some of what happened.  I lived with his mother two years while he was in the service.  I was on the verge of a crack-up at the time and was in bad shape.  My dad had about killed himself by drinking a bottle of rubbing alcohol.  My mother wouldn't take him to the doctor even though he was deathly sick, so murderous thoughts seemed to be going on with her.  He lay on the couch as I kept running in and checking him to see if he was still alive. He had turned grey and beads of clammy sweat broke out on his forehead.  He looked so bad I feared he might die any moment. 

After he started to recover in about five days more happened of a very painful nature between my parents, and what I did in response was reported to another of my dad's sisters.  She decided I must be taken out of that home as soon as possible and contacted H's mother who agreed to take me in even though I was not yet old enough to go to high school.  I think my aunt also took care of that by suggesting to the teacher that he give me a double promotion.  He not only gave me one but the other two girls in my class one, too, which we were able to handle just fine.  So I went directly into high school that fall in the high school where my aunt was teaching home economics. 

H had heard something of all that through his wife who was at home while he was fighting the war in Europe.  I talked to her yesterday, too, and she thanked me for becoming her sister's main baby sitter who was dying of heart failure.  Her kids were easy to tend so I really did not do anything out of the ordinary except make myself available for baby sitting to earn extra money. 

H and I talked for quite a long time. He lives in a big city far from here.  We got caught up on what everyone in his family and my family were doing.  I did think that something had happened to soften his attitude, for whatever it was he had undergone a marked change.  He was ready to listen, too, instead of just preaching as he did the last time.  I was able to tell him that my dad was not religious and I had developed doubts early on.  I said I did not think the church handled such people as my dad well. 

I do think that if you have felt you were gay all your life it is hurtful to be treated as though you were just addicted to these thoughts and will not be straight with the Lord until you have repented and changed. I don't even think it is possible to change sexual orientation that easy.  H remarked that his mother and my grandmother were very religious.  I agreed, but I did not think that religion could affect my dad. So then what?  Suicide? He certainly tried often enough to commit suicide.  I can't tell you how many times he drank poisonous substances that could very well have killed him if he had not had an iron constitution.  This could be anything with alcohol in it.  Poison moonshine killed his brother's best friend and nearly did the brother in, too. My dad was just a lot more reckless with his life than most drinkers, I think because he did not value it a whole lot.   

I regarded my dad's drinking as suicidal and I knew the reason why he was suicidal.  He had to lie and hide what he did.  It was a terrible dilemma for him.  He needed to stay married to help take care of his 5 children, but his wife practically hated him and wished him dead.  He was not able to stay at home with his wife and be a normal heterosexual father.  That seemed beyond him. 

Being a good husband had been no problem for H.  He was normal.  Nor is it for a lot of other good husbands, but for a man like my dad it was impossible.  He was 26 years old when he married. His patterns were deeply established.  I considered his dad to have followed along the same patterns, probably remaining sexually active with men until fairly old.  I did not tell H I thought this, thinking it would be more than he could handle.  I think his dad, my granddad, also had the gay gene that my dad inherited.  He did not marry until he was 30 and he arranged things so that he stopped living with his wife full time fairly soon.  He established her in a home 30 miles away, ostensibly so the children could go to school, but I think given his nature he found it more comfortable that way.   

I am sure my dad suspected that his dad was the same which gave more reinforcement to the idea of marriage for him.  Besides it was expected of him. My mother, however, did not react as my grandmother did.  She got very angry at him going off to party with men all the time, giving her the slip.  My grandfather was a very forceful man who did not drink, so was able to pretty much have his way.   Drinking got the blame for what my dad did, but I knew his reasons for partying away from my mother went deeper than that. 

H and I made progress talking about some mighty difficult issues.  I am satisfied that eventually he will be a powerful force in handling these problems in the next world.  There is another reason he needs to understand the problem.  From my observations of her I believed that his mother had inherited the gay gene.  Only she covered it up with extreme religiosity but what a price she must have paid in guilt.  For she was essentially living more of a lie keeping up a religious facade.  I did tell H that she did not speak to me hardly ever again after I left her home after two years.  One of the reasons I left was I felt I could not handle an aunt with the problem as well as a dad.  It was too upsetting to me to witness the convoluted lying that had to be done to remain 'respectable.' She was a single mom.  She had to keep her teaching job, so it must have seemed absolutely necessary for her to be a regular church goer.  Otherwise she could easily lose her job in such a religious state.   

I said something to her about the lesbian acting woman who lived with her and she got very angry.  All I said was that she talked too much, but my aunt got mad all out of porportion. I felt she took out on me her anger at having to live the way she did, hiding everything.  Her friend was not religious.  She was a lot bolder woman than my aunt, a less tortured woman. Of course, there were a lot more reasons that I thought my aunt had feelings for women.  For one she was an absolute man hater and about frothed at the mouth at the thought any man might show interest in her.  She seemed to be blaming her sons' father for turning her against men, but their divorce had come about many years before.  I was given to understand she had never looked at a man since!   

I thought from the sounds of it my aunt was slowly going insane.  Her sons moved far away.  I knew that neither one of them remotely perceived she may have had a problem in this direction.  But now H will soon go to the other world as will his brother who has also been a very religious man.  I believe the truth will have to come out about their mother or she will not be able to get better and make progress any more than my dad will get better.  Lying here is understandable, but not in another world, too!  She shouldn't have to lie there. 

If the gay gene is recognized better there then she doesn't have to shoulder such a terrible burden of being totally responsible for her own fall into deepest darkest sin. She was every bit as defensive as my dad, as prone to attack if she felt anybody got close to the truth.  I must have caused her to think I was getting uncomfortably close, so she lashed out at me for the rest of her life.  I became the bad one.  Weird.  But that is how it came down.  Everything I did she thought was bad made her more right and me more wrong.  But I knew the torture she must have suffered, knowing my dad. He didn't act quite sane either.   

I feel I know his mother better than H does at this point.  He married and moved away.  I am sure he did not think deeply about her and her need for love hardly ever again.  Both of her sons and their wives and kids lived their lives hundreds of miles away from her.  She lived and died so alone.  She had only them, the women who loved her and understood.    

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5:19:55 PM EDT

 

 

As one of the three hosts of the Boulder Heritage Festival he had to be on hand today to thank people for coming, and ask them back next year as he bade them good-bye.

My sister Ann was already rushed home by her husband Tom so they could go visit his brother in a care center and a former brother-in-law who is near death. She had time to report on the festival, however, on the family site, and I laughed because she wrote that Raymond said he realized that he could not say his monologues there, so had to leave them out and just do the singing.  I was getting feelings about censorship all day. Yes, you are definitely restricted as to what you can say when old time residents and former residents are gathered looking you in the eye.  You tend to conform to expectation. 

I realized that I do enjoy a lot more freedom in what I cover in my journal and in my videos.  And I am thankful.  The time Raymond does live in Boulder will probably be somewhat determined by what he can say and do in his plays.  I think the local populace should be exposed to more plays about controversial subjects in the name of progress. But Raymond said he realized that he had to give people advance notice to expect controversial fare.  He could not take the risk of upsetting them in the festival.

Otherwise he thought the festival went very well.  There were 200 people to greet the riders who brought the mail in across the old trail Thursday evening.  Last year there were only 3 people on hand. "Above the Faultline" a great blue grass band played during the dinner that family members cook to sell to the crowd.  Everybody loves that meal as it is choice. 

Raymond said all the programs held in the conference room were well attended.  People enjoy hearing about their own family histories with the Haws family taking the spotlight this year.  They said 125 people related to the Hawses came!

This year another theme was school days and my sister Ann was responsible for a book that was sold to raise money featuring school kids pictures over the years. I hope to get my copy in a few days!

Raymond and his cousin, Camille, another of the hosts, both had singing sets and new songs to perform.     

I am getting ready to take a swim pretty soon.  Doc is feeling poorly today he admitted because he drank too much the last few days.  He was shaky today.  So he is showing more signs of severe alcohol abuse. I just try to leave and turn my mind to other things.

Dante did say when I said something about Doc when we came home 'that man loves you, he has your photo up everywhere in his apartment."  I told Doc and he was very pleased, I suppose to think that Dante thinks he is capable of some love. 

Dante made up his mind to make videos if that would make his grandma happy. I thought that showed fortitude.  He delivered his made up lines very convincingly, but he had a hard time thinking some of them up.  As soon as I have done a video with Dante I think is good enough I will post it. 

Raymond is planning a trip back to Phoenix before the end of this month. I am looking forward to that.  He sounded pretty strong and in good spirits on the phone.  I think his health is continuing to improve. 

 

Raymond will be living in his Dad's old trailer soon, where the Sugar Loaf shown here serves as a beautiful backdrop.  The trailer is on a lot his Aunt ReNon still owns.  Her husband Emmorn grew up on what was known as the Sugar Loaf Ranch, and took it over when his parents retired.  Looks like a peaceful beautiful place to heal all wounds, doesn't it? 

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3:12:39 PM EDT

My two sisters knowing I would miss the festival this year sent me money before my birthday.   I went shopping and found these cute boot shoes with silver and gold studs on them at my thrift store, so I naturally had to buy western cut pants and a blouse to go with.  I had this white hat at home and just fastened on a gold sequin band. Today is the big day at the festival, so in a way buying this outfit which would have been perfect for the festival made me more homesick. 

We sisters used to place such emphasis on our outfits for the summer holidays.  Everybody always got a new 4th of July dress to wear to the dance.  My sisters often made one out of the most beautiful fabric they could find since Daddy promised velvet and satin if they would just make them.  I never sewed so I didn't get anything too fancy, but now I can make up for it at dollar day at the Unique.  Never have I seen such a well stocked thrift store.  Shopping in there makes everybody happy the prices are so good.  Doc's eyes opened wide when he saw these boots.  He is wondering when I will come home with a horse I bought at a bargain.

 

Doc in sunflowers watering his plants

 

Gerry in flowered blouse

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9:40:29 AM EDT

This is a photo taken to the festival when it was first started under another name.  My son Raymond and his dad, Dean, are doing a number.  Tonight Raymond will do his one man show in the festival with part of it dedicated to this dad who disappeared into the desert on the Valley of Fire turnoff above Los Vegas going on three years ago. 

If you have read the entry below, "If you had a gay dad..." you will know why I can't go up there hardly any more or stay very long if I do.  Most of the people up there would be ready to skin me alive if they read that entry. I have to keep my thoughts mostly a secret, but they don't have the Internet.  I could tell and tell my secrets, but these people would try never to listen.  Gay does not exist in their consciousness except maybe as a word, even if some of their sons, brothers, daughters, and even fathers and mothers were such. 

I have paid a price for revealing this knowledge I acquired about my dad when I was five years old.  Doesn't matter.  The world has to progress.  We can't continue to be savage and close minded about homosexuality if we are to live in peace and love with all people in our country. Talk about blacks not getting accepted.  Here is another bunch of people who are slammed unmercifully, which is one reason why some try to pass as normal so as to escape notice.   

As far as I am concerned a bunch of savages and outlaws are in control of my home town country, some of the most beautiful on earth.  And they are going to drive out anybody who doesn't do things the way they want them to.  When I go there, I go uneasily.  I can't be myself there.  I can't say what I think.

I was incarcerated in Utah and threatened with electric shock just for trying to surface some of this stuff.  My being molested as a child was tied to a man I thought was having an affair with my dad.  I wasn't going to tell the one thing without being able to tell the other.  When I tried to get this secret out of my mouth 15 years later I was lucky to come out of a mental hospital alive. People don't fool around sometimes, when they try to shut you up.  They nearly shut me up for good. 

My dad, too, but maybe he is better now.  Those who live as shadow men are part of the problem as well as the women who live with them and defend the lies and the deception through ignorance or love of money or respectability, whatever. I have known shadow women, too, who perpetuated the same deceptions. Because gays who do come out are so ostracized, that tempts people to deception. My ex husband Dean knew all this about me.  I could talk to him.  I had to be able to talk to him or I would have gone mad.  It was hard for him to be kind at times, too, but he grasped the essentials.  So my son can sing away in his memory and maybe in mine, too. 

As the novelist Eugene O'Neill wrote, "You can't go home again."  As a writer and as someone who tried to tell too many difficult truths, I know that is mostly true.    

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5:09:42 AM EDT

Doing this video series based on my memoirs and play, "Daughters of the Shadow Men," is naturally calling up a lot of memories about my dad.  Doc and I are preparing to do the next scene which is my dad coming back and talking to me in a dream.  When the dream takes place almost everyone in the family had gone to Utah to a big reunion up there.  I didn't go because all my relatives were so upset with me for surfacing my belief that my dad was gay even after 50 years of silence.  I was just trying to get through having to be absent the best I could.

My sisters finally started calling me about half way through the reunion saying that the family was finding their black sense of humor again and were making a lot of jokes about me thinking half the world was bisexual.  I remember my son Raymond making a joke during that time when we pulled up to a Circle K.  He said, "Oh wait a minute, Mom, I think the clerk in there is bisexual, do you think you can handle it?"  But I still knew if I had gone to that reunion my mere presence would have thrown a damper on the whole proceedings. They were all too upset with me to get over it that fast. 

But as a child I expected my dad's buddies to be gay, so I saw our world as peopled by a lot more gays or bisexuals than my family even thought about since they did not see my dad as gay.  His buddies were the only ones he could be himself with, so I just took it for granted that most of them, married or not, were more gay than they were homosexual. Their marriages from what I could see were about as tortured as my dad and mother's marriage.  Mother never found my dad to be a satisfactory love, and he wasn't for a woman. 

But I loved my dad and when I realized how suicidal he was, I thought the lack of acceptance had cut him so deep that he was miserable enough to die.  I thought my job was just to reassure him that he was okay, whatever he was, and that I did not want him to commit suicide. 

I knew his own mother's acceptance of him would be based on him admitting that he was a sinner and needed to reform. Not that she ever looked that deep into his tortured soul.  She was very religious and that is how the church looked on homosexuality.  You could be 'cured.'  It was an addiction andyou had to tackle it just like you did alcoholism.  I told my dad one time that his mother was not as perfect as he thought she was, that she could make the best apple pie in the world but she did not understand him.  I could just see him agreeing with me, even if he did not admit it out loud.  I thought it was sad that just because you were religious you could not know why your own son was in constant suicidal crisis.  One of her sons did commit suicide, but his daughters kept Daddy alive, I am sure.   

In a way I thought Daddy clung to marriage with my mother because he thought as long as the marriage lasted, he was making progress on the road to heterosexuality.  But us sisters were practically begging our parents to get a divorce before it was over with.  I don't recall them ever talking to one another in nice voices.  They were always angry. 

I thought my dad would finally be able to accept what he had been for a life time after the divorce, but he had to try one more marriage.  And that marriage led to his death I thought.  His new wife fled the scene in two months she was so turned off by his attempts to have sex with her.  It seems he had promised her that they would just live like friends and would even have separate bedrooms.  He and my mother had always shared a marriage bed, so he broke that promise as soon as the wedding was over with.  When she fled the scene he went to the city where she lived and tried to talk her into coming back.  She flatly refused and so he got drunk, and on the way home crossed the center line and hit another car head on.  He did not kill anybody but it was a bad wreck.  I thought complications of this wreck brought on his fatal heart attack nine months later at the age of 64.

His relationships with his buddies was I thought a lot more pleasant.  He would always be laughing and joking with them, even when drinking.  I remember being shocked one time when I cast my dad and his best buddy in a program I wrote.  Those two were like stand up comedians together.  And sober, they were just hilarious, brilliant.  They worked together like Doc and I do.  I thought, gee, O understands how Daddy's mind works a lot better than Mother does.  No wonder he always has to be with O as often as he can onthe weekends.

Daddy just wouldn't accept that his idea of marriage with a woman was not a pleasant thing.  His unfaithfulness, for one thing, was intolerable.  It was intolerable to me, just as Mother's was when she started having affairs after she had a tubal ligation and could not get pregnant.  Imagine parents who insist on staying married even though both are having affairs with other people, and expect you to respect that marriage.  No wonder we daughters were now trying to persuade them to part.  When we were little I thought they needed to stay together because I did not think either one of them would have made a good custodial parent.  Daddy was still drinking and Mother had a horrible temper and would probably have beat up on us worse than she already did.  Daddy would protect us if she got too carried away, so none of us were enthusiastic about going off with her and her current boyfriend, whoever that might be. 

Anyway, I am hoping that Doc will be able to convey a Daddy that for the first time does not just sit there and lie every word that comes out of his mouth. Daddy and I will not be able to talk about the past unless he controls his temper and lets me say what I want to say, which he never did in life.  He always shut me up.  I couldn't talk to him about the molesters.  I could not talk to him about the mental hospital, about my disability.  He just said mean things so I would have to shut up. 

That scene will be as much about telling Daddy how I want him to talk to me as it will be about anything else.  I think Doc will be able to understand that.  He had a friend when he was on the street who was homosexual.  He was very intelligent and he and Doc were able to have a breakthrough in understanding, but Doc had to go through the experience of having him commit suicide.  He kept saying he was going to do it.  Doc offered to go to Oregon with him if it would keep him from suicide, even if he was straight and could not be his love.  But C did it anyway.  Suicide almost an epidemic among struggling gays who cannot find enough people to accept their homosexuality. Just accept what their predominant sexual feelings are whether they had a gay gene, whether it was from enivornmental factors, who knows, but acceptance. 

Daddy always lied, but you had to look at what he did, not at what he said. I am going to start by just asking him to tell the truth.  Just quit telling lies.  He was unfaithful on his wedding day.  That ought to tell you something about him, too.  He lied of course  even though caught in the act of sex by my mother.  He tried to tell her the man was a doctor 'examining him' which she tried to buy, but I know she was always suspicious of him, for good reason, even if she did not dare voice these suspicions. She feared him too much!  Nobody was going to talk to him about such stuff.  He wouldn't allow it, and she had a right to express herself.  It was her marriage, too, so they got off entirely on the wrong foot. 

He needs to take responsibility for that.  I have had a bisexual husband and I have lived with bisexual men, and I asserted my right to have my say about what I suspected them of doing, if I didn't think they were faithful.  It is the hardest thing in the world for a bisexual man trying to pass as heterosexual to admit the truth when he is unfaithful with a man.  My dad is not the only one who tried to intimidate me, but sooner or later I got rid of a violent man like him. 

But some men like my dad could not just go away when little children were involved he had to be responsible for, too, and he did not shirk that responsibility. It was a very complicated situation, but then a lot of marriages are complex. 

Wish Doc and me luck on this scene with my dad coming back to talk to me in a dream.  A lot of ground has to be covered in ten minutes!        

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