Daughters of the Shadow Men

I feel the need to discuss this subject every once in a while as the plot of my life thickens in my memoirs.  I am not going into a whole lot of detail about Dale because I made an extensive study of him and our relationship in my novel, "Red Barfield."  I rewrote the novel five times because I would find it unbalanced, or I would remember more details I had not included.

While I was going insane trying to get my dad off drugs it was a relief for me to be involved with Dale.  Indeed I could not help myself.  My dad and Dale were two of a kind.  So Dale had a lot of tolerance and understanding of him.  Dale had a great deal of knowledge about the sexual activities of men in that country which he would not of course reveal to me, but he did let down his guard to me a great deal.

Despite the fact that I rewrote the novel 5 times I did not dare reveal the fact that I thought Dale was a bisexual.  I had of course never even told the family I thought my dad was one.  Hardly anyone in that country at that time owned up to having homosexual relations.  If they did, and came out as gay, they were ostracized and not trusted by the bisexuals who so feared exposure they were practically insane on the subject. 

If the topic of homosexuality is not in your consciousness at all, then you will probably well understand the taboo. When it comes to the subject of homosexuality you may draw a complete blank.  But I got so I was like a cat who could see in the dark.  I could see into the shadows, but I was very drawn to guys like Dale to study so I would know more about the culture that produced women like me. 

Oddly I should warn you that I was very drawn to the writing of Charles Bukowski when I first started reading him in Los Angeles after my sister Linda discovered him.  He was writing a column for the 'underground' newspaper, so called, "The Los Angeles Free Press" which everyone read.  His column was called "Notes of a Dirty Old Man" and were often very funny.  I started reading more of his work as discovered by Linda  which I probably found even more compelling in another way than she did, as Bukowski talked freely about his bisexual activities. 

When Linda had been in her relationship with him a short time Bruce from Utah came to see us.  We had gotten him writing for our underground newspaper, "Half N' Half.'  Everytime we did a special edition, we would ask him to contribute a column. Bruce would always claim he was there to see me. I was attracted to him, but I could not have possibly fallen in love with him, because he had molested a child for one thing, which because of my early history was anathema to me.  I never brought up his daughter to him which was a source of great pain I knew.  Besides he was dangerous.  I would not have dared. 

Anyway I told Bruce once again that there was no future for us.  He hadn't even left his wife either, not officially.  But he certainly did whatever he wanted to do, I was sure. I was attracted to Bruce physically, but I had begun to wonder if he was not a bisexual.  Linda introduced him to Bukowski.  I recall Bruce telling Bukowski about picking up a hitchhiker who laid his hand on his knee.  He kept talking about being a straight arrow to Bukowski. Anyway Bruce took his leave to go back home to Utah he said.  

Two or three days later he knocked at my door again. I was very surprised.  I asked him where he had been and he said vaguely, "Oh I had to think." 

Years later, something like twenty-five years later, my sister Linda was re-reading the letters Bukowski wrote to her all during their five year relationship.  She ran on to an incident involving Bruce which she had completely missed seeing 25 years before.  Bukowski who had not yet encountered much of my sister Linda's fearsome temper, wrote to her that Bruce had looked him up and they had got it on for a couple of days.  He apparently felt quite elated over a sexual encounter with a man sixteen or so years younger.  He bragged that if I had known how to manage him I could have had Bruce, but I did not, so Bruce came looking for him! 

 He and Bruce, of course, drank a lot of alcohol, whereas I never touched the stuff, so it was not very possible for a married alcoholic like Bruce to cause me to lose my head. That was not the case with Bukowski.  

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• #3 Comment from lanurseprn 
  5/2/08 12:25 PM | Permalink

  Interesting comment left by Yasmin. I had considered that as well.  A few men that I've met in my life have told me of having a few bisexual experiences...but did not consider themselves bisexual.  Maybe it's more prevalent than I realize?
  Pam
• #2 Comment from cayasm 
  5/2/08 11:42 AM | Permalink

  Your memoirs and your father aside I'm quite surprised that practically every man you have met or I should say been involved with was Homosexual, do you think that you are mainly attracted to gay/homosexual men? because by reading your posts it would seem to be the case, this is not a critisim, but I find it interesting, and it seems to have coloured your relationships with men somewhat, didn't you ever just meet a regular straight guy? with whom you could form a regular relationship with, without discovering at some point that he ultimately preferred to have secret relationships with men. Happy to discuss further via e-mail or IM.
  
  Take care
  
  Yasmin
  xx
• #1 Comment from chat2missie 
  5/2/08 11:27 AM | Permalink

  Enjoy your weekend.
  Missie