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6:30:00 PM EDT
A spell...
As though to underline the fact that I need to slow down I had a spell last night. I woke up going numb all over, only it seemed worse on the side that is so badly inflamed from this air conditioning we have in here. I went to sleep too agitated and dropped too quickly off to sleep. In my sleep my nervous system cannot function properly if there is too much agitation and seizing occurs that stops normal functions. I have had this happen a number of times in my life, but thank goodness not too often. It goes with chronic fatigue symptoms which indicate slowing down is imperative. If I don't get slowed down fast enough I can have a spell.
If an old lady says she has had a 'spell' that is probably a euphemism for 'I thought I was going to die.' As a result I don't even like to have a numb leg. Going numb all over is comparable to the house being on fire. So I have been busy putting out the fire ever since.
I got up and went down and told Doc I was in danger of dying of his alcoholism before he did, since I have been spending many and many an evening alone, left to my own devices, as most women with a good companion do not experience. A good sane male companion can be there until you both stop work and fall asleep, which is the ideal. We certainly don't have the ideal here. I told him I tend to do the work that he would do just to entertain myself, writing, expending creative energy just so I won't be bored out of my mind. He is not there to help lighten the load, so I overdo. His not being able to think, talk, and write as I do overworks me constantly. We are a team, but he is falling on his knees before the day is over, and I go on with my more active healthy mind unable to stop. I am not anesthetized. Doc is by far the most dangerous element in my life, too close not to affect me. He knows that.
He just called me and claimed that he had made an appointment to the doctor to tell him he wanted to go into rehab. I have been reading all the details of the famous writer Jack Kerouac's last few years as an alcoholic. Doc lives a far more controlled and contained life than he was doing, so I think it is possible he could make up his mind to quit drinking with the help of rehab. If he was too violent and uncontrolled a drinker I would not have been able to continue with him.
I have been trying to understand why such a brilliant and gifted man as Jack Kerouac could not stop drinking. When I was hearing about all these poets and writers who were his contemporaries in California I knew that my life as a writer was far different than theirs. I was a teetotaler and a woman, dedicated to my children, so it was going to be hard for me even to get published, even though I was too sensible to pursue their downward paths to self destruction. That is the kind of fame I could not 'earn.'
Jack is only 9 years older than I am, and he had many affairs with women far younger. It is quite conceivable that I could have had an encounter with Jack Kerouac who was crossing the country time and again in a dizzying attempt to find release from his demons. And getting drunk everywhere. It is shocking when such a brilliant writer dies of alcoholism when he is only 47 years old!
I have never even been drunk and I can thank my Mormon upbringing for that. They preached 'The Word of Wisdom'. I made a vow early on that I would not drink and kept that vow.
So that's probably why I am nearly 77 years old and hope to live longer if I can manage my life well enough. Doc has seen me have these spells so he is afraid of them. He is talking now like he does not want to kill me off. I am seven years older than he is, so just the wear and tear could tip me over the edge if he insists on drinking himself to death. I barely made it through Pierre's death, who was an alcoholic and a bad smoker. His vices killed him. He reminds me of Jack Kerouac, a French Canadian, good looking, charming, bisexual, and wildly reckless. I think in Pierre I had my Jack Kerouac.
My sister Linda dedicated five years of her life trying to help Bukowski sober up, and the next Linda in his life continued on with that goal in mind. I am sure her sticking with him helped him live into his 80's. But no woman was able to help Jack Kerouac sober up for long. It remains to be seen what Doc is made of.
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I am so worried about you Gerry...please see your doctor about these spells..please. I am so proud of Doc and his wanting to go to rehab. He too is doing it for himself and for you not to worry so..many hugs and lot's of prayers coming your way from me..love you...
Joyce
http://journals.aol.com/springangel235/TreasureChestFullofL ife/ -
To echo everyone else here, I do hope you go to the dr. about these spells. On another note Doc's fear of losing you, might be enough to encourage him to go through with the rehab and get himself straightened out. I'm keeping you both in my prayers on the smoke. (Hugs) Indigo
http://journals.aol.com/rdautumnsage/ravens-lament/ -
Oh wow! Gerry...I sure hope that things will be alright for you.
Lisa -
If you feel "numb" you need to get checked out! Don't let it go Gerry. I am hoping you feel better now.
Pam
5/7/08 12:10 PM
Lisa