Below the Surface

I feel like I only write down stuff but I have nobody to talk to about my feelings so I write them down.  I am going through tough times everywhere and I don't think my creator really likes me because I am in a place I'll call limbo.  I lost it all and I suppose I am to blame for making one bad decision after another in my life and then I look around and see other people who have made bad decision after bad decision have the stability and protection I seek.  I don't get it.  What do I have to DO? to receive the rewards/blessings that others just seem to have fall into their lives by some chance or miracle.  I even had free RUNE readings to gage my "spiritual" life ... I am a Christian, what am I thinking.  I can't seem to handle the "wait on the Lord" part of life.  I WANT to push the EASY button and have all the ducks get in a row, the right row, the row I want them in.  I KNOW< KNOW<KNOW that I am in MUCH better shape than many people but I have always lived in a world of haves as a have not.  I don't want to feel guilty that I'd like a comfortable home, a great relationship with a mate and "our" children would be healthy involved in our lives.  I want a place with trees and peace and a fireplace and enough casholi to not have to worry anymore.  Who doesn't want all that?  Probably there is a solution that I can't manage to figure out but that's just it, on my own volition, I can't make it happen.  I need a miracle.  I need a miracle.  I need a miracle.   Please dear JESUS, please hear my plea and notice me.  I feel so lonely and so lost and so persecuted right now.  I am overwhelmed to the point of depression with all the responsibilities and lack of resources ... when is it going to get better?  Please I am begging.... help.

I have done nothing but gain weight for the past 5 years ... ever since the break up with the narcissist.  I am reading a book why is it always about you trying to figure out how to get out of the rut of letting people walk over me and treat me like dirt.  Like nancy has been doing.  The new boss showed up today and she turned on her charming face.  I went with her to help her this morning and then in the meeting we had today she kept trying to get Jay to fall under hermanipulative spell to "win" getting her "way" of what is and isn't in MY job description.  I am so frustrated and feel inadequate about the fact that i am shy by nature and it just isn't in me to go out and seek distribution points for our magazines.  This infuriates her and I'm sorry but i specifically and pointedly told the owner of the company when I signed on for this job that I am not a salesperson and that if sales functions would be part of the job that I was not the right person for the job.  He approves of my job performance and gave me an excellent review.   Girlie if she got the same Percentage of "increase" would still be making huge amounts more than me and the things she keeps saying aren't in HER job description, well actually are!  She keeps trying to get someone, anyone to berate me to make her feel vindicated and they keep not vindicating her.  I'm dealing with another narcissist...only she's not a "true" narcissist she does have certain characteristics of one and the pressure is not about what I do or don't do or what she does or doesn't do but about superiority and I threaten her because I have something she wants and can't have.

Baby girl I want that extra $12-17 THOUSAND dollars a year you make but not enough to be in sales.  So anyway, there you have it that's today's musings.

I'm tired.  I was supposed to go out and walk a mile or two with the neighborhood ladies this evening but fell asleep instead.  I am depressed and i don't feel like anyone wants me and so instead of fighting out of that I am hibernating or isolating ... need some confidence.

I met someone and that well ... hahaha ... didn't happen.  He was cute and all but it wasn't about that.  He just wasn't God's choice for my life.  At least I know the direction now but again I need a miracle... several of them.. the FIRST would probably be to believe in myself again.  I want to lose the weight I've gained and I want to buy a book the 6 week body makeover and put it into effect because I KNOW it will work if I work at it.  I've seen several people who have lost 60 lbs.  I need to but I keep losing momentum.  I hope I'm not being sabotaged but I think if I put out the money to get the program I'll make it happen.  I think I'll be happier if I lose this weight.  It won't be a miracle but it will be a miracle ... I guess what I mean is it'll make a HUGE difference in how I feel about myself and that might open up the door to get me out of this house and on with my life.

I don't know I can only PRAY GOD that through Jesus sacrifice he will not make this person go through life so alone.

nighty night.

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