Sand Dunes

I am a bum. I used to be so good at keeping track of things and paying the bills (perhaps not "on time" but in a reasonable amount of time ... like $25 a week for 4 weeks to get things paid when times were tight). Now I've lost all sense of desire to be responsible until it's a crisis.  I think they call what I'm experiencing denial.  Or is it another symptom of a manic episode?

I want/need HELP.  But it's my crap and I have to deal with it.  I can't seem to find a viable solution.  Money is the root of all kinds of evil.  I think perhaps selfishness is it's defining root.  I want ... want ... want ... and that is why I am so peeved about the lack of $$$$ which is what causes me so much anxt (sp?)...

ARGH.  I should not be going to California.  I simply cannot afford the trip.  I have so many bills.  I try to remember that I went to London with foreclosure hanging over my head and it turned out allright.  NOW KEEP IN MIND THAT TRIP WAS ALSO PAYED FOR BY A SOURCE OTHER THAN MYSELF!  I don't have to pay for airfare on this trip but there will be expenses.  This time I don't have a group of folks who love me to collect and provide spending money.

I hate my life some days so bad.  I imagine this must be close to the worst I've ever felt about life and myself.  I know that I suffer from negative thinking and have to work at overcoming those thoughts of suicide and self mutilation, hatred.  They are useless but right now i feel pretty damn useless.

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