12:34:34 AM EDT
Feeling Loopy
Hearing dadadaupbeat .... design show diddy
spastik
Where to start .. hope I don't use up all my characters. I 'm tired but I am afraid to go to "bed". Don't like being alone. I'll get through the night, I'll sleep on the couch. I feel like I am always on alert to be at the whim and call of everyone, this is called co-dependency. I am not happy that I can't seem to stand up for myself. I love to pieces my little grandson but I am afraid my life is over because his mom needs me to help her with him. I got dumped and left out to rot by my children's father and I kinda hate that part of my life. I don't hate him, he hates himself enough for all the worlds hate but I hate that I got shafted and have no idea how to change it. I found by proxy? a new webpage today about peoples secrets. I guess I have a few that are swirling around in me ~ like that I'm 98% sure my child cross dresses and the thought of it makes me want to hurl my brain into a bed of nails and die before his eyes so that he understands the depth of my dismay, disgust and unacceptance of the whole "gay" thing. Oh, he knows. he knows i know and he doesn't want to hurt me but he thinks I don't understand him. I know I've written about this before but I pray that God would intervene and cast out the demon. I know we're supposed to have this free will thing and it's all our fault but I am overwhelmingly angry at GOD for allowing this. He could put a stop to it immediately if he wanted to. He could bring LOVE to me and FREE all three of us and the baby too. He could if he wanted to. We must not be giving something to him in the way of faith or devotion to be "blessed" with the good things those around us "have". And I am being selfish because there are so many so much worse off than me. I have so much going for me . . . at least that is what my Sister sees. I do NOT see "so much" until I drive through the black section of town and then I agree that i have. But she got the fairy tale. I Want the Fairy Tale too........ I want a husband and a home with a fireplace in a pines setting ... I can't draw the picture but it lives in me. I want it. Like I once wanted B. I don't want B anymore and most of the time I don't love him anymore. Sometimes I do love him again but then I have to remind myself he is a narcissistic liar ~ There is a man on the face of this planet who given the opportunity to meet me will "get" me. Whereis he? My daughter is sad, lonely and I can't give her what she needs. I want her to have the fairy tale too. In fact, I want the kids to have APPROPRIATELY yoked partners, that is part of my fairy tale. but cinderella stories don't happen ... the B story seemed liked one but MIDNIGHT came and I was left in rags and shoeless. he now shames me because as a result of loving him I have shamed myself. Aurgh.
Written by
glendar0812
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