White Flag

8:42:13 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing nothing

HI Blog ... lol

Well, I'm writing because I opened up PostSecret and found a message so fine tuned to me that I wonder ... whaaaawhawhawha WHY ... since you've been gone .... and all that jazz.

I've been checking out PostSecret for some time now and I enjoy the entries ... my secret is YES I have sent in a post card and NO it did NOT get picked.  OH well...it's ok because I know the path ahead is not as trecherous as I once believed.  I'm truly healing at a much faster clip now.

The first one that made me wonder was because of the wording ... I loved you more when I thought you didn't love me .. sounds like something he'd say.  Then there was the yellow rose which stated "it's my favorite because it was your favorite" and then today the FORTUNE COOKIE ... I wish things had ended differently.

WELL MR. L ... I wish they hadn't had to end at all.

I loved you with all my heart and yeah, I loved you too much and it was a dragg to have to carry that weigh around. I'm sorry I lost myself in you.  The first time around it wasn't like that as much because I had more self confidence and I could get guys ... I watch Laguna Beach and I know which of those chickies I was then and which one I was when I was with you the second time and I wish there was  a balance between the two.

BUT the truth is, you didn't want what I still want.  You probably still don't want that. 

Someone WILL come along .. maybe waiting in the wings even as I write this.  You may even be in the same room with him tonight ... YOU were in the same convention center as him in Hawaii.

That is the part that hurts the most ... not having been able to go to Hawaii ... the one place I ALWAYS wanted to go.  He showed me his pictures and I was in awe. I was in California .. So Far Away .. Just like at 15.

Circles .... humn.  All I can do is wonder, watch and wait for the picture to become clear.  I don't think you are in my future.

I'm sorry they ended that way too.  I hope we both find what we're looking for. Best Wishes CHOPs ....

love ewe.

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1:59:50 AM EDT

This is not your typical happy ending story.  The point is it's a recovery story and recovery is an ongoing process. I fell in love with a man who has narcissistic personality disorder and yet even now I still have feelings for him. Ambivelent ones but that means he is not completely and forever out of my system.  I am more cautious than ever and that may not be such a good thing because I guard my heart and in doing so close off too much of myself.  I guess the difference in me is mostly that I am one who chooses to live in accordance with what I define as a higher calling.  What I mean by that is when I took my third step I was told that in doing so I would define what my morals and my values would become.  That has been a process and if I had listened to the still small whisper in my heart I would not have gotten involved with the man in the first place BUT I never stopped loving him and I had no defense against his charm over me.  I believe I had to experience that love however one sided it may have been once again so that I could let him go permanently and be available to learn lessons and heed the call on my life.  I'm not going to pretend to know yet what that is but I had to pass through the dark into the light in order to do the research necessary to see the pattern of my past relationships. I have delved into psychological research and prayer and meditation to learn to stand firm until such time respect, stability and loyalty waltz into the picture.  I don't mean that to be a knight in shining armour to whisk me onto the back of his stallion as we ride off into the sunset.  I believe in the dawning of a new day and the roller coaster of life as a part of this journey. 

At the ocean 3 years into recovery I spent a good deal of time walking 47 blocks and sitting on the beach in the cool of september meditating and looking for guidance and direction.  I came away from that session a changed person, something inside of me will never be the old person i was as long as I don't pick up.  That change has been my greatest joy and my strongest societal detriment.  I believe with all my heart, mind, body and soul in the spiritual experience and the call i hear within me.  That causes me to feel outcast and different because I don't play by the if it feels good do it game anymore, I can't get away with it ... and that is my dilemma because I want to feel good and so i act out in other ways such as driving my self nuts in the triangle of self obsession.

It's 2am and the boodle is going to get up mighty early and drive me loco so i'd better get to sleep now.  i'm tired.  the thoughts will come again later.

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