oh, I get it now.

Ok ! I admit that I can construct stuff in my head then later when reality sets in I'm like ~ oh, now I get it. That applies to a couple, few different things presently.  We'll start with the B. incident.  It started so long ago, 1970 something.  That's the problem really, I never got OVER B. and then he came back in my life and I thought I had it all under control.  Well, that is until he turned out to be like Scott Peterson without the ability to purposefully physically KILL someone to get his way.  He just goes about it in other more subtle ways.  But he's his own problem.  This is about me and not letting GO!!  I was doing great ya know.  Then he was coming to town and I got all squirrelly.  And yes. I admit I did dial his cell number.  I immediately hung up though cuz I instantly realized how DUMB, DUMB, DUMB and idea it was to think we could have a real conversation.  NObody realizes that he taunts me ... they just see my obsession playing out.  It's deeper than they know, but now I'm being ostracized by the whole lot of them.  Can't really blame them, they're part of the in-crowd and I left the crowd.  So, I've been wanting to crawl out of my own skin ... cried my heart out again today.  NOT over the man, over my mental madness.  And then if that were not enough ... HE (C) appeared from out of nowhere and I was SO SURE that he was HEAVEN sent.  I found out he's married.  Not something I can delve into afterall.  That pulled the hope rug out from underneath of me.  I want someone who gets all my complexities ... He is in the "program" and Loves Jesus.  That's so close .... AND So Far Away.  That brings me back to B.  Remember who much I loved you at 15?  I have only this.  I was always true to you.  Even now I care about you. I no longer feel the same feelings I did and it's a shame and ironic that now that I'm over you, you think I was "stalking" you. Nope.  Just wanted to chat and then realized I have NO idea in the world who you really are. do you?  humn.  As for (C) ... I see your anguish.  I will be praying for you!

Good night you Masters of the Universe.

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