til i'm no longer obscure

Pink Elephants are generally associated with drinking binges.  NO, I have NOT been drinking this is more a metaphor for a different feeling.  Of being there ... largely and not being seen at all, not in a physical sense.  I spent the night at the home of a friend. Ok, a MAN friend ... don't get excited his children were there.  That's the interesting part.  I was concerned his son would not 'take' to me, but it was his daughter who was living in 'anhedonia' and I don't know if that is because she is 14 of because her parents broke up or because her parents broke up and she has no clue (but suspicion) of what I mean to her dad. 

I have no clue what I mean to her dad .. that is the purpose of the metaphor.  I've know this MAN for close to 20 years and we've been pals since the first time we met.  He is a jokester but has sorta thin skin about certain things and it's tough to define when that is true and when it isn't.  He STOOD UP FOR ME last night and that was important to me.

His wife did not like that i was sleeping over but i was NOT sleeping WITH him.  'She' tried to manipulate me into going one place rather than with her husband last night.  We are not having an affair.  We are pals. Would I date him if he gets divorced AND he asks me out on a date?  Signs point to yes ... BUT I AM not ... well actually I have entertained those thoughts ... trying to 'take her man'. I'm NOT.

I LOVE HIM .. but the question is, could I be involved/in love with him and THAT my friends I do NOT know the answer to... I've given it some consideration and in some ways I do believe we'd be compatible and companionable ... but there are dark sides to him also and so I just don't have an answer for that and the truth is I have NO RIGHT to even think these thoughts. I'm not like that.

I will simple be happy and hope that God will reveal his will for me and wisk me away from my poor decisions/choices.  In the meantime I will remain a pal withOUT benefits and go where I'm lead ....................

like the weight i'm carrying around isn't heavy enough ... LOL.

k. nuf. gnight.

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The birds are chirping outside my window as the sun fades in the west.  It was a good day mostly.  Got up early enought to shower and meet my son at my parents house to wish my Dad a Happy Father's Day.  Overheard my Mom at Church make a comment which more or less indicated that the kids only come to visit on such occassions.  This is not true I do make an effort ~ well, it's not an effort ~ I chose to visit them more often.  I have a grandchild who takes up much of my time.  I know how it feels to miss being wanted and that I matter.  My parents love me but they're in their own little world.  I read a story today about a man who married a woman who already had 13 children.  I cannot fathom a man who would do that in today's society.  It may actually exist but they are few and far between.  I cannot even find a man who is . . . like me?  I may just be too picky but if he isn't someone who gets me or I get him there's no point in it.  I pray that GOD will change this. I cried in Church today because thusfar, he has chosen to overlook my desire to be married.  I am mother and father to not only my children but my grandchild as well.  His mommy is a big part of his life too.  She loves him very much.  I wonder what goes on inside of her, she won't talk to me today and I don't know why she is hiding behind her closed bedroom door.  She does not normally do that unless she is mad at me and i have NOT ONE CLUE what I did or did not do to make her mad.  I am not good at "confronting" such issues.  She will come around.  I saw my sister today and it was good.  The enmity seems to really be dissipating.  I do love her, I just got tired of feeling like I was being judged.  Right now I feel like I am being frozen out ~ judged by my child. I am such a wimp! Maybe I am just not "good enough" for a mate.  That is my secret that I don't tell anyone.  POSTSECRET that.  lol.

I am tired all the time because I am stuck.  It's not a matter that I know how to solve.  I want JOYFUL days to return to my life.  I had them and i really miss them.  I want to spread the joy that I want back ... God Almighty only you can intervene in my life and make it so.  I am lost without you and i am angry that you feel so distant and I am angry that it is my fault and i cannot correct it.  i am angry that you did not bless me with contentment, joy and satisfaction whatever the situation.  I am a malcontent. i do not want to be that.

I feel invisible unless I am asked to do stuff that maybe i don't want to do. My life is not my own.  I will remain sorrowful until I am no longer obscure.  There is a beautiful person in me that not too many people see, those that do can't unlock the unhappiness I feel.  I pray for joy today because I want the world we live in to end and for the Palace of the Omniscent Lord to come and wash away all the sorrow, pain and tears of the many who suffer indignity, indifference, intolerance, poverty, hunger, lonliness, despair, unmet NEEDS, pure hearts and emptiness just because that is the deck of cards they are dealt.

the deck i have has no trump cards left in it and i have no face cards left. my life seems to be over. now all that is left is to get up each day and find some reason to go on.  Jesus is with me, us.  He should be enough, but I am worldly and fleshly and I want ... want ... want MoRE.

I pray I do not rot in the fires of hell because I want the things that i want more than i want to be HOLY.

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