Sigrun Odinsdottir

Subject: meowwwwwwrrrrrrr
Time: 7:18:14 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Loopy
Music:  "Bells For Her", Tori Amos

OMG, i haven't blogged in, like, forever.  i spend most of my online time on AP now, either posting my poetry, posting on the group message boards, sending group ims or personal ims, or reading + critiquing poetry.  i did go on the odinist forum for a few minutes today to check in and found something rather amusing.... good, because i'm stressed!

i have been home since december 9th and still no case manager.  i am having issues with transportation again and it is a long, long, LONG walk from my house to the clinic, and not something that can be done safely on the amount of meds that i'm on (i get disoriented and dizzy).  and what about when i need to go out of town for appointments, like to farmington to the uconn women's health, and to new haven for my next social security hearing?  my mom is getting HELLA pissed off about this shit, because she has to take care of every crisis that comes up, be it transportation or meds (i went without my mood stabilizer last week for several days because i ran out and the pharmacy wouldn't fill it, nuff said), she is taking it out on me, and i am taking it out on me too.  i've been sleeping a lot, trying to avoid life.

i didn't get to go to group today cuz my transportation never showed up (one more reason why i need a case manager!).  hence, i am blogging about my feelings.  if the clinic expects me to go there three times a week for group and individual, plus once a month for med management, they should be providing me with transportation....

i feel totally depressed and bummed out.  i am getting out tomorrow, which is good, my other transportation, not logisticare but dial-a-ride, is coming through and i'm going SHOPPING with my gift cards (birthday presents).  woo-hoo.  i would be more excited about it but everything is just black and numb.  maybe my attitude will change tomorrow, though.  art supplies are good, no?

well, peace and blessings to you all, and i shall blog again sometime soon......

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Subject: OMG
Time: 1:16:00 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Loopy
Music:  "She Said Destroy", Death In June

OMG i haven't blogged since saturday?  where does the f***ing time go?  well, when i'm online nowadays, i spend it on my poetry site, or in the forums of the groups i belong to on AP.  i'm to judge my first poetry contest today, "death in june song titles poetry contest", i think i already know who the winner is....  i went briefly on the odinist forum, same old crap, i edited my profile and my sig if you care to see it.

i am blogging because i am going through a crisis with my medication.  you see, i ran out of my mood stabilizer and i was supposed to get a prescription for a refill, but my stupid ass doctor did not put the strength (milligrams) on the script, so today while i was up at the clinic for group i had to wait and wait and wait for them to call the pharmacy, and even then they may not get my mood stabilizer in today at the pharmacy because it's a special order.  i haven't been feeling all that great since don broke up with me (yes, i can finally say it), my moods have been up and down and this way and that, and now is not the f***ing time to be without my medication.  he had to do it right after my birthday and before valentine's day, too, what perfect f***ing timing.....

so i'm without my mood stabilizer and i don't know whether to laugh or cry.  i'm having racing thoughts, i feel panicky.  i'll be okay, though.  i always f***ing am okay.  i've been through worse shit than this, haven't i?

i hate february, i hate my life, i just wish everything would go away.

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Subject: yada yada yada, blah blah blah
Time: 8:25:53 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Chillin'
Music:  "Pull Out the Pin", Kate Bush

well, well, well.  i am finding the odinist forum to be a bit boring, of course i spend most of my internet time now on the AP site either working on posting my poetry, reading + critiquing the poetry of others, or going on the forums of the various AP groups i belong to.  (for example, i am in You Can't Spell CrapWithout Rap HA HA HA HA HA).

i am pretty much out of my depression, i still feel kinda blah, but the crying fits have stopped, and i've managed to stay out of my pajamas (except at night) and follow my normal routine and i even hung out with a friend today, which was good, wOOt wOOt.  :)  and i'm starting to eat again and sleep normally too.

yes, i'm okay, you're okay......   

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Subject: out of my pajamas and in your face, motherf***er!
Time: 7:56:44 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Silly
Music:  "Hit", Sugarcubes

well hello there everybody, boys and girls, and third-gender folk.

i went to group today, came home, remained in my clothes (did not put pajamas back on).  i actually feel a lot of relief today, even though i had a fight with my mom this morning and she said something to the degree of "it must be nice to be so medicated and be high as a kite all the time", ouch, what a bitch.

my therapist (his name is, gasp, DON) is letting me borrow the book "who moved my cheese?" by spencer johnson, m.d.  i saw him for a few minutes after group today (i have a session with him tomorrow), and told him i was going through some changes and having trouble adjusting, so he gave me the book to borrow, and told me to hang in there, "the universe would guide me".  okay, so he's a little more out there than i am.

i also am trying to put my problems in perspective.  there's a girl in my group who is homeless, pregnant, and has cervical cancer.  i was just, like, whoa.  then there's another person in my group who's relapsed and started smoking crack again.  then there's another person in my group whose kids got taken away by dcf.  so while things aren't that great right now, they're not THAT BAD.

i have been writing a lot (everybody check out my poetry site OR ELSE HA HA HA), getting my feelings out.  writing is a cheap form of therapy HA HA HA.

i am going to be putting purple streaks in my hair this weekend, my mom is going to help me.  my mom doesn't care if i do funky shit with my hair, it's if i go through body modification that she freaks, so when i finally get inked i will be telling and showing her AFTER the fact (i am getting a valknut ringed by the futhark on my back after i get a printer for this computer and get my book set up).  i don't know if she would freak over me getting my eyebrow pierced or not, i've thought about it for the longest time, i'm really considering doing it.  but my hair, my hair has been every color of the f***ing rainbow.  before i went into the hospital this last time it was short, spiky, and fire engine punk rock red.  i went to my social security hearing with this hair and i think part of the reason why they determined me was because of the hair HA HA HA HA HA.

i am smiling right now for no apparent reason, this is a good thing :)  means i am coming alive, coming back to life.  like i said, i had a lot of relief today, i think i'm really gonna be okay.

blessings..... 

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Subject: i am okay
Time: 11:10:34 AM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Chillin'
Music:  "Caught a Lite Sneeze", Tori Amos

well, i survived valentine's day.  yeppers.  i wrote a poem yesterday called "my valentine", it's on my poetry site www.allpoetry.com/poets/sigrun%20odinsdottir if anyone cares to read it, it's kinda bitter, kinda funny.  or you can just follow the link on this blog where it says SEE MY POETRY!  SEE MY POETRY!  (someone's in touch with their inner child) to my poetry page and read it there.  i update my poetry site regularly, so there's always new stuff to read, plus you might want to read the poems i critique also.

i woke up this morning and said to myself, "ya know, i think it's gonna be okay."  if the gods wanted me dead they would have called me home already.  there is a purpose to my life, as mimir and the norns (sounds like a bad pop group doesn't it, mimir and the norns) said, i am the one who has to tell the stories.  :)  what kind of stories, they did not specify.  believe me, i could tell some stories..... well, i knew what they meant, i'm just being a smartass.

life is too short to spend hung up, in mourning, worried, and in general f***ed up.  my self-worth should not come from whether or not i'm with someone, it should come from the gods and myself.  also, i should not try to "fix" everyone in my life, i should take care of number one first.  and if people like kristi and joel don't want to be friends with me, F*** THEM.  it's their loss, now isn't it.

this is not to say i feel great and full of energy and ready to take on the world.  i'm still in my pajamas, i'm still listening to sad music, i'm still not eating that much, i'm still having crying fits, but at least these things are getting better as time goes on!

the suicidal feelings have passed.  i am ready to start getting on with my life, one step at a time.  

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Subject: happy f***ing valentine's day to you too
Time: 2:38:02 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Frustrated
Music:  "Pandora's Aquarium", Tori Amos

i hate valentine's day.

there should be a law against it.

however, i am being good to myself today, because i have to be.  i bought MYSELF a rose, i bought MYSELF chocolates, tonight i'm taking a bubble bath.  i may even sleep with myself tonight HA HA HA HA HA.

i went to group today and aired out how bad i was feeling about the various events of my life.  i got a lot of support, which was nice.  i talked to crisis (i have to call them at 9 PM to check in) and this a$$hole, whose name i will not mention, talked to me, then let me sit there by myself for a little while, and while i was sitting there i heard him in the employee room discussing my case VERY LOUDLY and laughing about it.  that totally pissed me off, so when i came home, i invoked angrboda and cursed the crisis worker.  that somehow did something to my brain that got me out of my slump and made me realize that i better get off my ass and stop moping about this shit because life is just passing me by.  but boy did i curse this a$$hole good.  angrboda literally took me over (remember, i am a horse, the spirits "ride" me) and i scared the shit out of myself.

i think i'm gonna be okay.  i'm not feeling good by any means, i'm still bummed out about a lot of things, especially with it being valentine's day and all, but i feel like i can hang in there.  i think i'm going to ask my doctor when i see him on the 27th to monkey with my meds a little bit, as i've been up and down a lot lately and it worries me.

going now to write, and draw, and busy myself.

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Subject: a child of the universe (without being a universalist)
Time: 6:38:21 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Quiet
Music:  "Hullo Angel", Death In June

well, i now have a third poem up on the odin's gift site www.odins-gift.com "the web of wyrd", about my personal encounter with the norns.  i wrote it last night, it just flowed out of me, like a waterfall.  michaela (the webmaster) said it really moved her.  it was a catharsis for me, after i wrote it i cried.

there is a lot i don't talk about on this blog, because it just is too personal and cuts too deep.  and believe me, i talk about some personal shit on here.  but right now i can't discuss anything of my personal life because it is ALL too personal.  all i can say is how i feel in reaction to the things going on: hopeless, dark, hurt, scared, alone, lost.

i added something to my signature on the odinist forum, a line from the desiderata: "you are a child of the universe: no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here."  i put that on my sig because i was experiencing suicidal ideation at the time and needed an affirmation to live.  what i mean by "suicidal ideation" is vague suicidal thoughts like "i wish i was dead", not an actual plan to commit suicide.  serious enough that my mother is paying closer attention to me (even though she doesn't know what's going on either, cuz i refuse to talk about it), but not serious enough to call 911.  although it sounds like some trippy-hippie universalist shit, the desiderata is a beautiful poem to me, and i get a lot of hope from reading it.

or i'm trying to get hope, anyway.

it's not even so much the circumstances that are bothering me.  it's the fact that shit keeps happening to me when i think i've got it good that bothers me.  i can never rest.  i can never be content.  just when i think everything is okay, BAM! it's all taken away from me.  everything.  everybody.  gone.  somebody runs, another one dies, another one wants to die, i can't do this, i've got to do that, and then all the bullshit of everyday life just hits the fan.  it's like a never-ending cycle of pain and heartbreak and misery.

so i'm reading the desiderata yesterday online, trying to get some hope, trying not to break down, and this line stood out at me: "you are a child of the universe: no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here."  isn't that something.  something simple yet so complex.....       

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Subject: mimir's well
Time: 5:19:06 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Loopy
Music:  "Pink, Orange, Red", Cocteau Twins

so on my third and final day in jotunheim (for those of you new to this blog or who have missed something, i am on a 27-day seid journey of the nine worlds of yggdrasil) i went to mimir's well, to ask some burning questions.  at first i wasn't going to ask him anything because you have to be really careful what you ask for with mimir, he tells you the unadulterated truth, and there are some truths that are not worth knowing as knowing them can permanently alter and f*** up the course of your life.  but being i was in a f***ed mood, i decided to ask him some things.  mimir said i could ask him up to nine questions.  these are the questions and the responses i got.  (by the way, mimir is a sarcastic smartass.  he kept calling me "sigrun of slitherin", knowing it was getting to me.)

1.) too personal to publicly blog about

2.) will "walker between worlds" ever get published? --- yes, of course it will, you're sitting on a goldmine.

3.) do i have alfar blood?  --- will not blog about the answer i was given.

4.) are there any other books coming up in my future? --- you will write and illustrate a total of thirteen books in your lifetime.

5.) why do people keep disappearing out of my life? --- because you do not fight hard enough to hold them.

6.) what happens to people who commit suicide? --- they wind up in niflheim.

7.) why am i a seidkona? --- so you can help people, silly.

8.) why am i bipolar? --- that was the trade-off for your psychic abilities.

9.) what is my purpose here on earth? --- you are the one who must tell the stories.

"what the f*** does that mean?"

"it means exactly what i said it means," mimir said.  "tell the stories."

then mimir asked me some questions, which pertained to the questions i asked.

1.) too personal to blog about.

2.) do you really want to be a public heathen?  because that's what's going to happen if "walker between worlds" gets published.

3.) why do you care so much if you do or don't have alfar blood.  they will never fully accept you, and they are a snobby lot.

4.) do you think just because you're destined to do something, it's automatically going to happen?  you have to work for it.

5.) did you ever stop to think it's not always them, it's you?

6.) are you really suicidal, or do you just want your old self to die?

7.) how could you not be a seidkona after everything you've experienced?

8. and 9.) your bipolar disorder ties into your purpose here on earth.  what the hell makes YOU so special that you think you can choose what your purpose is, what your fate, your wyrd, your orlog is?

yes, mimir is quite the smartass......

 

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Subject: the downward spiral
Time: 12:39:58 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Sad
Music:  "Everybody Hurts", R.E.M.

well, i've aired a lot of my dirty laundry on this blog, but there are just some things i would rather not blog about.  i'll just say that i am having a shitty weekend, how about you?  i asked my mom to please lock up my meds where i can't get to them and i called the crisis hotline and they told me to use my dbt skills, i was like, "shit, if i could use my dbt skills do you think i would be calling you motherf***ers."  then i hung up on them.  i honestly don't know if i'm going to make it till my therapy group on tuesday to talk about how the shit hit the fan and now i'm all upset about it.  you know, with me it's like a neverending pile of shit.  more shit piled on top of more shit piled on top of more shit until it breaks my back.  i told the norns today they were cruel and i asked skuld to cut my thread please, i can't take it anymore.  she of course did not obey me, she said, "you are the one who has to tell the stories."  she lifted her veil and i stared into her eyes and i felt like saying f*** off, but i couldn't.  what the flying f*** is this mystical bullshit, "i am the one who has to tell the stories?"  who the f*** chose me to do anything?  i didn't choose this, what about me, don't i get a f***ing choice?!?!?  i certainly didn't get a choice when.... never mind.  not going there.....

if i am the one who has to tell the stories, there better be a damn good reason why.....

   

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Subject: grope therapy
Time: 8:01:30 PM EST
Author:  gnirevol26
Mood:  Loopy
Music:  Tori Amos

well, i went to group therapy today.  didn't get a chance to talk about my father, because the girl who talked about being a dominatrix started making all kinds of sexual comments and it offended this other girl who was a rape survivor and brings it up every group we have (now, i'm a rape survivor but i don't feel the need to talk about it 24/7, in fact it's on my "list of topics to avoid except with an individual therapist"), and the two of them started name-calling each other and shit.  it got ugly.  on top of that, practically every guy in my group was flirting with me, and two of them gave me their phone numbers.  i'm not going to call them, because i'm SPOKEN FOR, in fact, i'm actually kinda creeped out, it's like they see "new girl, hmmmm, fresh meat, howwwwwl!"  i don't know what the deal was.  it wasn't like i was wearing anything sexy to group.  yeah, i had makeup on and my hair done, but big f***ing deal, right, so i look like i'm 16 and i'm 26.  so i have big boobs.  okay, big deal.

i came home and i told my mom about how the guys in my group were flirting with me and she said i should go out with the "cute" blonde one who rides with me in the hunter's limousine to and from group.  (his name is scott.  my father's name.  and i don't think he's that cute.  besides which, i have blinders on.)  so i sat her down and told her about don.  she already knew to a certain extent about him because he calls me and stuff, but she didn't know the whole story.  i didn't say how don and i really met, but i did say we were together, and he makes me happy.  my mom is like, "jesus, he lives out west.  that's hard."  i said, "the distance is good for right now while i just got home from the hospital and am trying to straighten my life out."  in due time, he and i will be together face to face and it will be all good!  well, at least now my mom will quit making smart remarks to me about how she's trying to set me up with this one or that one, and now don and i have more freedom to correspond.

yay me....

well, going to go run along and play now.....    

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