Two Scoops of Crazy

10:35:13 AM CST
Feeling Happy
Hearing Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?
This blog is all query letters from an agency in Hollywood.... and this one if my FAVORITE.  I hope to GOD this never gets made.

 "CUFFS" not to be confused with "KUFFS" ... they can't afford Christian Slater...
Dark Comedy

LOG LINE:

A prison guard ghost returns to oust a flamboyant warden and his dimwitted gang.

SYNOPSES:

A dark comedy which operates on several important levels. This unique screenplay takes on America scandalous prison culture exposing, with outrageous satirical humor, a hidden society which is rife with corruption and the abuse of power.

We are introduced to BEAR, a mystical Native American Shapeshifter and his Spirit Animal Army. Is that like the "KISS Army"?  With help from Great Stone Mother, Bear and his loyal followers set out to reclaim a sacred Paiute burial ground where an imposing prison now stands.

Enter JAMES "CUFFS" CALLAHAN, the story s pivotal character. Cuffs is a former prison Corrections Officer who returns from the dead with his K-9 companion IKE to the high desert of southern Nevada to take on and expose a corrupt warden and his flunky cohorts.

We meet Cuffs when he is alive, working as a conscientious and caring Corrections Officer at the prison. When Cuffs discovers that the prisoners are being fed food labeled "Unfit for Human Consumption" He confronts the arrogant Warden Robert Shivetz. Outraged by Cuffs' insolent behavior, Shivetz fires him.

Depressed and drowning in alcohol, Cuffs takes his own life with a gun. However, Bear captures Cuffs spirit and decides to shapeshift into a psychiatrist.Baby steps around the afterlife, baby steps around the afterlife.... He helps Cuffs open up, tell the truth, and take responsibility for his senseless act.

Cuffs returns to the prison as a ghost bent on revenge. Bear is also at the prison, posing as a convict did he "Shapeshift" into a convict? . Together, Cuffs and Bear join forces from the spirit and ghost worlds to standup for humanity against the misuse of power behind prison walls.

For example, Bear is able at will to shapeshift and summon his faithful Spirit Animal Army to aid him and Cuffs inside the prison.

As the story unfolds, we meet a number of fascinating characters including Senator Clancy, the voice of reason; Sgt. Otis Newcomb, a dimwitted brute, the vivacious Lt. Sandy Adams, and Trooper Bob, among others.  Trooper Bob?!?!?!   And I thought there wasn't going to be any character development in this... look at the complexity that is sure to be embodied by "Trooper Bob!"

Cuffs has a crush on Sandy. She becomes attracted to him as well, but unfortunately, it's not meant to be. Cuffs, a ghost, and Sandy human. Never the twain shall meet. Unless they can get Whoopie Goldberg...

The story ends on a positive, upbeat note. Bear and his Spirit Animal Army are able to restore respect and dignity to their Paiute sacred burial ground. Clancy advances to become Vice President of The United States and later, by a twist of fate, assumes the Presidency. Cuffs join President Clancy as his aide-de-camp with Bear and his loyal Spirit Animal Army in tow. Now THAT'S a cabinet meeting I'd like to see....

Cuffs emerges as a scathing dark comedy which not only exposes the corrupt conduct of authority figures but also challenges our imagination, leaving hope in spirit and heart for a better day."

****************************************

Well, now my idea about the muffin loving blind man and his wacky hijinx at City Hall doesn't seem so bad, does it?

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3:34:45 PM CST
Feeling Silly
Hearing Smooth Criminal


Which Website Are You?

Well, I *do* like free shipping...


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11:00:57 AM CST
Feeling Loopy
Hearing Come Fly With Me~ Vic Fontaine
There must be a cold going around.  I suppose it's that time of year.  The weather warms up, cools down, and soon everyone and their dog's got a runny nose.  

Unfortunately, I did not escape it this year.  

I've got the aches, the sniffs, the coughs, the soreness.. all in all, have been feeling pretty darn miserable.  I've tried NyQuil (which does NOTHING to me... unlike most people who lapse into a coma after a plastic cap full of that stuff) and Robitussin and Vicks... all with less than stellar results.  I was about to give up when IT.  

It's called Buckley's.  And their slogan summed it up for me.  "It tastes awful.  And it works."  "I'll try anything," I think to myself as I shuffle through the checkout line with my soup and orange juice and little bottle of self proclaiming miracle juice.   

Once home and safely tucked on the couch, I opened the bottle.  From three feet away I could smell it.. and my eyes started watering.  Imagine simmering a jar of Vicks Vaporub on the stove with some hot sauce and just a pinch of asbestos.  But no matter.  I'm stronger than this.  And it's going to taste bad.  They told me.  I'm ready for it.  

I was, in fact, NOT ready for it.  I lost conciseness for a few seconds.  My sinuses were CLEAR.  There was no runny nose, no stuffy nose.. I think all of the stuffiness was just disintegrated by the fumes.  I felt the best I'd felt in quite a while.

But the real magic happened about a half an hour later.  I felt like I was going to cough.  I could feel it coming.  But it never happened.  And I know why.

My body was afraid to cough, for fear that I would give it more Buckley's.  I was SCARED STRAIGHT.  There was no way that my body would allow another dose of that HORROR.

So I feel better.  But not of my own volition.  The Buckley's will not ALLOW it.  Sickness has NOTHIN' on the power of Buckley's.

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1:40:01 PM CST
Hearing Spongemonkies!!

(photo courtesy of TotalFarker Bill_Wick's_Friend)

I love Quizno's subs as much as the next person, but I don't know if I would still keep working if the owner ran away and I wasn't getting paid.

The short version... the owner of a Seattle Quiznos dissapeared.  They ran out of food, yet a couple of the employees managed to keep the store running.  They used money from the till to buy meat from discount grocery stores, bread from other Quizno stores, and paid the 3 remaining employees with what was left afterward.  For TWO WEEKS.  When it got media coverage, Quizno HQ came in, brought food, paid the employees (who were left) and then put a media blackout on the whole thing.

I say GOOD FOR THEM.  I hope that they are all given good paying, stable jobs.  These are the types of  loyal, hardworking, creative problem solvers that deserve to be rewarded.  Maybe Donald Trump will see this... they'd be great Apprentices.

I tip my hat to them all.


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10:20:17 AM CST
Hearing Manama Na, do doo didoodo, Manama Na, do doo dido
I wouldn't want to go to school here.  LeMoyne College expelled Scott McConnell for writing a paper in which he advocated the use of corporal punishment in schools.  Now keep in mind, he didn't ACTUALLY use corporal punishment, he just WROTE a paper saying that he thought it was a good idea. 

I don't know if I agree with him (because I don't believe that teachers should have the right to physically punish a child) but I think that corporal punishment administered by parents in a LOVING manner is appropriate and nessessary.  I was spanked as a child, and every time I was spanked, I deserved it.  It was a LAST resort for my parents, and they didn't enjoy doing it, nor did they do it when they were angry.

But the fact that I wrote the above statement should NOT get me expelled.  It's my opinion, it's a free country, and the last time I checked, you could still write opinions without threat of retribution.

Do you really learn anything by giving the answer that you know the professor wants to hear, even if you don't think that it's right?  I never did.

I feel that the school has made a grave error in deciding to not allow him to continue his education at their institution.   At least he turned in his paper...



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9:25:42 AM CST
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing Seven Days
I just saw a commercial for Ambien (the most perscribed sleep aid).

In the "side effects" they listed drowsiness. I would think that for a sleep aid, drowsiness would be welcomed, even expected. It's a sleeping pill. It SHOULD make me sleepy.

And why is drowsiness listed as a "side effect"? What's the MAIN effect of that pill?

DO NOT TAUNT HAPPY FUN BALL.
IF HAPPY FUN BALL BEGINS TO SMOKE, GET AWAY AND SEEK SHELTER.

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10:15:33 AM CST
Feeling Happy
Hearing Rock You Hard This Christmas, The Dan Band

1. If someone doesn’t drink wine… or any alcohol at all, nor do they even OWN a set of wine glasses….. a good Christmas gift would NOT be a set of wine glass charms.

2. There is NO number 2.
   

3. Homemade Christmas presents are SO much better when your dad forges knives.. because then you get a dagger made from a high carbon railroad spike!! Oh YEAH!

4. Finally, the board game Axis and Allies is a lot more fun when Germany is being played by “Macho Man” Randy Savage (or your brother pretending to be “Macho Man” after one too many viewings of SummerSlam ‘88.) It’s so much better when, “.. and if the UK tries to take Paris again, Mean Gene, they’re gonna get the BONESAHHWWW! Oh YEAH! SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!”

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8:49:57 AM CST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Macgyver blowin stuff up..
*repost*

I had the dream again. 

For the last 10 years, I've had the same reoccurring dream once a month or so.  It's always the same, I always know it's a dream, and I am unable to alter it.  I cannot think of any explanation that might help me understand why I have it, and dream interrupters (books and otherwise) are at a loss. 

Why, you might ask, is this worthy of sharing here?  We all have strange reoccurring dreams.  What makes yours so different?

Butter.

Yes, butter.  In my dream, I am in a desert, just dunes as far as the eye can see.  But it's not a desert of sand, it's butter.  Country Crock to be precise.  I am standing (though VERY tiny) on the untouched surface of a giant tub of Country Crock.  And for the remainder of the dream, I walk towards the edge but never reach it. 

WHY AM I DREAMING OF COUNTRY CROCK?????

If I was dreaming about CHURNING butter, or COOKING with butter, or even a flirtatious butter fight with Nigella Lawson, at least I'd know WHY I was dreaming about it. (The third example would be less about the butter I think... I just love those cooking shows!  Yeah, that's it.  Cooking shows.... erm.. anyway....)  But no, the only thing I have to go with is that I'm walking across a giant tub of butter. 

And I don't know if you've looked in any dream analysis books lately, but "butter" is NOT a common dream entity.  Apparently, everyone dreams about "horns" and "computers" and "couches" (which I was surprised to find meant that you had an intense dislike of candy.. who knew?) but no one but me dreams about dairy spreads.  Even "dairy" is not really mentioned.  (See COW.  Yes, thank you Dream Book.  That helped.  Country Crock isn't even real butter.  Stupid book.)

So once again, I'm back at square one.  My feet firmly planted in butter as I trudge along for the brown plastic rim of salvation.  Next time, I'm bringing toast.

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3:24:26 PM CST
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter...
I've become a huge addict of  ReadyMade Magazine as of late.  To borrow from Ferris Beuller, "If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up." 

The article that caught my fancy most this month was one on the lost art of letter writing.  Since I started emailing, I can't remember the last time that I actually wrote a letter.  And this article inspired me.    Not only to actually write a letter, but to write a good letter.  A memorable letter.  A letter that was more than a letter.

So the first thing I did was hit the local craft store for a pen.  I didn't want a gel pen, or a roller, or a pencil... I wanted a fountain pen.  I wanted something that took some finesse, something with some style and flair.  And I found one.  A medium tip fountain.  Black ink.  Excellent.

Then I hit the thrift stores... I wasn't really sure what I was looking for, but I knew that when I found it, I'd know.  I sifted through several shelves in several stores before I came upon an old tax receipt folder.  It had oversized manila envelopes with "DEDUCTIONS: MEDICAL AND DENTAL" and other such information printed on the front sides of them.  It was excellent!  One of those envelopes arriving in the mail would certainly get someone's attention... and there were some old receipts in there!  Drugstore receipts from 1981, some farm help ledger from the 1970's.. and all for only 70 cents!  It was too good to pass up.  On the next shelf, I found some old Barbershop quartet music.  The entire back was blank.  And under that, the sheet music to Boyz to Men "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday".  A quarter apiece.  Score.

I dropped my buck and a half at the register and headed to Starbucks.  Nothing like some legal stimulants to get the creative juices flowing...

I picked a friend and grabbed the old ledger.... and began to write.  The pen scraped satisfyingly against the old paper, and the ink bled my thoughts on top of  how much Clem, Slim, and Cletus earned during harvest in 1979.  For the first time in a long time, the act of writing was more exciting to me than the writing itself.  And it was very pleasant.

I am hooked.  I've written at least one letter a day, and every one just fuels the addiction.

Anyone else want a hit?  First one's free..... ;)


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10:03:37 AM CST
Feeling Silly

It's a little creepy, isn't it.

 

Happy Halloween Everyone!

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