Thoughts of an (almost) middle-aged veterinarian, or is it mother?

I talk on the phone.  A lot.  Okay, like, excessive.  Like, I don't talk when I'm sleeping- well, not on the phone, but if I could dial in my sleep, I might.  That level of excessive.

I didn't used to talk on the phone.  (Great grammar, huh?  Oh well.)

My freshman year of college, I probably talked on the phone a total of 2 hours.  The entire year.  There was a payphone down the hall by the front door of the dorm.  Old school, no wiring for phones in the room.

I did get a phone in my room for all the rest of college, and I would talk on it, but only long enough to clean the room- mindless work, really, and to this day, if I am home, it is what I do on the phone.  It annoys me that I can't vacuum while on the phone.  My friends complain that they call and it is only a matter of time before I start washing dishes.  If I'm on the phone long enough to pick up everything, fold and put away the clothes, and wipe everything down, it is the dishes or the vacuum, jeesh! 

When I was living in Florida in an apartment I bought longer and longer phone cords.  I still remember the first conversation I had on a cordless phone.  My mother called.  Ten minutes later she said, "Why are you still talking?"  (usually I hung up after cleaning everything in reach)

I crowed in ecstasy about this cool invention called the cordless. 

It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say, it was more that I didn't want to be tied down to the damn phone.  I had things to do.  Places to go. 

Staying in one place, talking on the phone, bores me.  Yes, it does.  There are only a few people in the world that are actually interesting enough to get me to sit in one place, doing nothing for any amount of time over five minutes.  I know!  I'm incredibly shallow.  It isn't like I've been hiding the information, for Pete's sake.

And then came the cell phone.  (cue the angel chorus)

I love the cell phone.  It is wonderful.  I can talk and drive, and talk and walk, and talk and ...stand in the backyard, lay in my hammock, hang out at the beach, whatever I want (and no, I don't talk in restaurants, movies or those places).  I do talk in the bathroom.  It isn't like they can see me, duh!  And most of the people I talk to are already aware of the fact that I have bodily functions.  So how shocked can they be?  Really?

My younger brother doesn't like to hold the phone to his ear because of the effects of the cell phone on brain waves.  I think of holding the phone up as an exercise against the 'bat wings' that old ladies get.  And whenever someone expresses concern about cell phones causing brain cancer, I let them know that my exposure is like a trillion times higher than theirs. 

I'm the canary.

Now if I suddenly get a brain tumor, I would recommend that no one put the phone next to your ear. 

Although I just read a study on the internet that the cell phone disrupts your sleep pattern as much as half a cup of coffee. 

So I'm thinking that this might be my new way of dealing with the post-prandial slump.

Now, who should I call?

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• #1 Comment from ceilisundancer 
  5/13/08 10:53 AM | Permalink

  It only disrupts sleep patterns aas much as HALF a cup of coffee?  That's, well, not really significant for most people I'd think.
  
  This is exactly like me.  And my boss.   Oh, and when it's not a safety issue, I find talking while driving is thee perfect time, cuz what else am I going to do?