Archives
12:43:00 PM EDT
The (bitter) truth about weddings
I've been asked multiple times in the last few days whether I am getting married to the man who is (as I write) moving his stuff in.
Nope.
And right before I sat down to write this, I looked at pictures of the China earthquake caught by wedding photographer. The picturesque church in the background fell to pieces during the quake. None of them harmed, not the brides, grooms, or photographer. What luck.
The road out, however, was closed, so they all spent the night in tents. Someone asked whether this would make their marriages more precarious. And the response was full of hope- "What is happiness, happiness is safe and sound," the caption says. "Having gone through a life-and-death test, they surely will clasp hands and grow old together."
Yeah, right, the cynic in me sneers.
The best glue doesn't keep marriage together. Life and death tests are more likely to split couples up- the death of a child, a miscarriage, a fire. That's life.
I know that some of you are shaking your heads and saying, "She's just bitter."
And perhaps the answer is "Absolutely."
What's not to be bitter about? Marriage got me a boat load of debts that appeared as fast as they could be paid off. They got me a long work week that never seemed to end. They got me a crappy employee who had to be fired three times. An employee who morphed into the most amazing employee for someone else. An employee who criticized, and undermined me all the hours that I was awake.
And the funny thing is that I'm not bitter. Astonished, amazed in retrospect, but not bitter.
Because that's what I thought I deserved. That's what I thought marriage was. That's the best I thought I could do. That was the price, I thought for having a family- a place where I finally belonged.
Here's what I know now. That everyone is worth an amazing life partner. That no one deserves to be treated the way I was. That everyone is worthy of love, common courtesy and respect. The place I belong is wherever I want to be.
And the guy moving his stuff into the garage (as a first step- duh, I do let him sleep in the bed). Knows this.
One thing I used to say in my marriage was that I wasn't a sure thing. That's reality. No one is. You treat a person like dirt, eventually they move away from you. Eventually, they stop interacting. It just took me awhile.
I'm not getting married again. One of the questioners was my four year old daughter. Don't you love him, she asked.
Yup. No hesitation there at all. Like him a lot too. He's a terrific guy.
But I'm probably not going to marry him.
Mostly because I want what I work for to go to my kids. I've already given up enough of what I worked for to someone who didn't deserve it. And that guy had a job when we got married. That guy looked great on paper.
You can boil a frog by slowly increasing the heat.
I'm a little shy of the tub at this point, to be honest.
Does that make me bitter?
Or smart?
There aren't any advantages to marriage for me- not taxes, not health insurance, pretty much nothing. Marriage is set up, I think to allow one person to carry another. Been there, done that, shredded the t-shirt. Not about to buy another one.
Written by happytaill Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | 
digg this
-
I don't think it's bitter...I've been married twice and I'm happier now living with someone without the illusion of marriage. Some people don't understand the concept once your burnt - you tend not to repeat the same actions to get the same reactions. You can have everything you want and need out of a relationship without a piece of paper exclaiming alls fair. As for life and death situations, they strengthened my current relationship the first year we were together. If I was married to him, I can't help but think I would owe him something. Strange but true. (Hugs) Indigo
http://journals.aol.com/rdautumnsage/ravens-lament/ -
Nor do you need to.
It has to work for you, for your man, and for your kids, and for any he may have, or if, say, either of you were caring for a disbled sibling type deal.
I can understand your child asking, even while my daughter is approximately 10 years older than yours and her comprehension ability and her needs may differ somewhat, they are still closely involved with any marital situation their mother's may decide upon.
But, you've been asked multiple times in the last few days? Sounds like nosey-bodies may be at it as well.
May you, your man, and your families, be happy and healthy:) THAT is what matters.
5/31/08 4:12 AM