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3:52:00 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing the gerbil who is in my pocket nibbling on my shirt
Open adoption/dinner with Mandy's birth family last night
We have a very open adoption. Mandy has always known many members of her father's biological family...we don't make a big deal out of who she is biologically related to or not. They are all the whole family's kin. I know that it has been easier for her to always know who she looks like, to see biological traits in her birth family that she resembles, and to know her roots. Mandy also knows exactly why she was adopted, and that she is deeply loved by her birth family.
Last night was her birth-grandparents' anniversary, the first since her Grandma Ruth died in August while we were in Sarasota. We called to talk to him since we knew it would be a painful day for him, and we learned that some of the birth family would be meeting for dinner down at Pompilios. Mandy's oldest full birth sister, Sarah, was already coming over to hang out last night, so we decided to walk over to Pompilios and eat dinner, too.
Pompilios is here in the Newport Historic District, and is famous for being in the movie Rainman. The toothpick scene where Dustin Hoffman knows how many toothpicks are spilled was filmed at Pompilios--and the extras in the background were Newport regulars. There are Rainman mementos on one wall in the venerable old Italian eatery. Jeffery Hines used to eat here, too.
Everyone was a litle subdued. It was a sad day, all in all, but I am glad that Mandy got to see some of her many aunts and uncles. (Her birthfather is one of twelve--and there are something like 35 first cousins!) Sarah came back with us and hung out until around ten.
Sarah just took a job as a nanny over on Monroe Street--two streets over from us--so we will get to see much more of her. She works on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sarah is twenty four now...she was nine when we adopted Mandy after their birthmother died. She just finished her five year tour of duty in the Reserves so she is safe from Iraq. Thank God.
We have always wanted to be ambassators for Open Adoption. When Mandy became our child back in the late eighties none of the local adoption agencies were doing open, identified adoptions yet. Ours was a private adoption, so it didn't matter. I'd like anyone who is considering an abortion because they couldn't bear to part with their baby to know that open adoptions work--and that they will not have to spend forever not knowing their child--or wait until it is eighteen to search.
Open adoptions are the most humane for the birth family--they don't lose their family member, and often the easiest for the adopted child, since they know their roots. If the adoptive parents relax, they will understand that it is much like having in-laws...you adopt the baby, and you get some in-laws with it. :-) There is no doubt that You are the child's parents.
Last night Mandy and Sarah were talking about adoption and Mandy said something that shocked me. It seems that Lauren (a friend of theirs who is in our home frequently) tells Mandy that since I am not her Real Mother that she doesn't have to listen to me. Mandy tells her that I AM her real mother....and it hurts her deeply when Lauren says this. I have already told Lauren once before to quit with the adoption shit, but I think it is time for us to have a serious one-on-one if she is going to continue being a part of our lives.
We know we are REAL to each other. Mandy is my child, just as much as the ones I gave birth to.
Like the Velveteen Rabbit, Love makes us Real.
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Lauren does not seem like much of a friend.It is funny how much alike Mandy and Tabby look. i do not think of my kids as my birth kids, I feel like they came to me one way but I would have felt blessed no matter how they got to me. I am glad to know that you love open adoption- I have heard so many Mothers that hurt for 18 or more years never knowing their kids were okay.I could not imagine their pain...
Thanks for sharing the pictures, I am so glad you have Mandy. -
What an amazing entry. I always thought open adoption would be better in some ways and you've illustrated that beautifully.
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It's not Mandy's birth sister who told her that I am not her real mother--it was a neighborhood kid.
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When it comes to families, blood and your make up is just what you are given by your biological parents. The real test of true parenthood comes down to who has raised the child and helped them to become the person they are or WILL become. I have a bio dad and a step dad. In no way would I ever dream of calling my step-dad anything BUT my true father. He is the one who raised me and helped me become the woman I am today. My bio dad, while the one who helped me come into this world, was not there for me until I was 16. So...you are as much of a true/real mother to Mandy as her biological mother.
It's wonderful that you never kept the fact that Mandy was adopted under wraps and that you have that openess with her adoption. I think it is important for kids to know where they came from. You all sound like a wonderfully loving family. :)
Brandie
10/15/04 1:09 PM