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6:55:00 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
Grieving is hard work
" another empty cradle 
another broken heart
"Well, I woke up this morning with blood soaking the sheet, down to my knees, and coming in big clots. The girls and I had been thinking I was pregnant since I had been vomiting a lot and absolutely exhausted lately. Just yesterday we went to the thrift store and bought a couple of pairs of jeans in the next size up since my belly was pooching. I did not take a pregnancy test since by the time I know I was pregnant it was already too late to start the steroids. I need to start them months before I conceive. It is in God's hands. His hands tend to not hold my babies very closely.
Dave had been using contraception, but... 
I am thinking about the loss as little as possible, thinking it is better than knowing absolutely whether or not I was pregnant. I am glad that I didn't go to the OB and get an ultrasound. It is always so heartbreaking to see the little heart beating slowly and know it is not going to survive. I want more babies...I suspect my whole life I will always be wanting more babies and grandbabies. I am almost forty four, though, and David does not want any more. But I keep crying anyway. My Mind may say I might have not been pregnant, but my Body knows the Truth.
One eerie thing. When I first woke up and was sitting in the bathroom the girls all clustered in there with me (remember the No Privacy For Mom Law). No one had mentioned the word "baby", just "miscarriage", and Shelby pointed at me and said, "BABY." It was so shocking Mandy and I gasped. Mandy said wonderingly, "She knows..."
"I'm not afraidof storms, for I'm learning how to sail my
ship."
Louisa May Alcott (1832-88)American writer,
reformer, Quaker
May 7, 2004
Today is much the same as yesterday. I am looking at a D & C if things don't slow down some. After experiencing this sad process so many times I know what to expect. I keep thinking I am okay with this loss, and at peace with it, when suddenly my tears well up. I will never cease wanting more children. It is not just a biological urge for me. I am sure the ones I am yearning after are the Little Ones that I have lost. Part of me is trying not to over emphasize how sad I feel because I don't want my husband to get Fixed so that the hope of another baby is never there for me. And yet there are times that I wonder if it would be easier knowing all hope of another baby is gone than knowing that I have lost yet another baby. If I could take steroids non-stop all the time then I would be able to carry more babies to term, but steroids are not good for your body. There is no doctor that would prescribe them on the off chance I might get pregnant. The year I took steroids before I conceived my Miracle Tabitha was a grim year health wise. My face swelled up and my emotions ran the gamut from suicidal to the Wicked Witch of the West. Knowing what a Sweet Temperment I normally have :-) you can not imagine how evil I was. Losing babies is also hard on my body. I am no Spring Chicken, after all. I am almost forty-four, and have been losing babies almost twenty years.
Shelby keeps patting my tummy and saying "baby". I am not sure if it is because she saw Laura's beautiful tummy day before yesterday or if it is because on some level she knows what has happened. I do know that nursing her provides me great comfort, and increases the contractions in my uterus. This will help physical healing.
Last night I was doing okay when I suddenly felt a hard gush and I had to get out of bed. I was considering whether I should call the ambulance when Shelby woke up, screaming bloody murder for her mommy to come back and "Nurse, Nurse, Nurse!!!" Tabitha rolled over sleepily and kept calling for me, "Mom! Mom! Mommy! Where are you?" I was crying, seated on the toilet, looking at the blood from my baby onthe floor and on my hands, trying to think of what to do. Tabitha finally woke up and came into the bathroom (no privacy ever for Mom), said, "Oh," and carried Shelby into the TV room. She puton a Barney video, silencing Shelby's screams to sad snuffles. I stayed in there for awhile and decided that the blood gush was probably just blood that had pooled up since I had been laying down. After cleaning myself up again, I got the girls and we crawled back into bed. Shelby was curled up on one side, nursing away, and Tabby was on the other with her warm little feet entertwined with mine. I felt a few grateful tears for the two miracle babies I have given birth to, and the miracle who was sleeping in the upstairs who came to me through adoption. My husband was at work.
Another wicked little hope is that I bled like this when I was pregnant with Tabitha and she somehow survived. I called David, hysterical, and he came home from pharmacy school to take me to the ER. My OBGYN met us there and did an ultrasound and there was Tabitha, floating away sucking on her thumb. I took bioflavinoids at that point, and mag sulfate, and I kept her Within. There is always that hope that I am losing a twin, and there is still a live baby there. I lost Shelby's twin, Liam, but kept her. I try to squash these thoughts since it just hurts to hope. I am getting too old for this.
Mother's Day is always a hard day for me, not only because I am not particularly close to my mother but also because I am aware of how many children I have lost. None of my pregnancies have over lapped--there are no children that could not have existed.
A psychic once told me that the reason I lost so many babies is that they needed to exist for just a Brief While in a place where they would be completely loved. She meant this to comfort me, but at the time I was angry. There are fourteen small lives that have spent their entire existence tucked within the dark confines of my womb, completely and utterly wanted, completely and utterly loved. Maybe it is true. Who am I to know?
There are times I think of Mary, the Great Mother, who lost her Child, and of the Earth Herself, who surely suffers for all of our pain, and of God, who will have some explaining to do! I have toldother bereaved mothers that God is big enough to bear our pain and anger, and it is true. At one point years ago I was afraid to be angry with God, but now I know that suffering is part of all life. None of us escape it. But I will want to know why I was chosen for this particular path.
The only good thing that has come of the loss of my children is that I am more compassionate, more gentle with others who are in pain, and I never forget that children are a blessing.
This baby's name is Peyton.
I wrote this entry last May, when I lost my last baby, Peyton.. As the anniversary of the loss draws nigh, I become more and more sad and anxious.
It is undoubtably been intensified by the death of all three of the baby coons. I called the rehabber today and the little male died less than five hours after we left him there. I started crying when I talked to her, then sat down and sobbed and sobbed. Poor little fellow. I should have kept him home to die in my hands, with his soft furrie. He looked so little and alone in that huge cat carrier she put him in. . I was just trying to save his life.
The girls were at church when I called. Little Shelby kept patting me and saying, "Sad? Sad? Want a bite to eat?"
I can't sleep much. I keep waking up since Nutmeg died. Losing any babies is hard on me, and losing them near the time of a loss's due date is hard for me. Those newborn coons really touched me.
I keep crying. This is healthy and natural. I do not try to bury sorrow any more. I am too familiar with loss.
This time last spring I was pregnant.
There is no new baby here.
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The loss of our babies will always be with us. I had a tubal after I lost my last ... I often regret doing that as I was only 39, but the doctor and his scare tactics...telling me about down syndrome. Now as I near my 48th brithday I wonder...I feel your saddness dear...hugs! and sending my love, rose
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I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful entry though. I love the name Peyton. Take care as you go thru this time of rememberance. Lisa
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The baby in the hands is so small
Tabby -
{{{hugs}}} Kas
4/13/05 6:44 AM
**hugs to you**
Tisha