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3:42:00 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
grieving terribly
We buried sweet Lucas the Cadpig kitten under the lilac bushes with Pagan. As with all deaths, I keep running over and over in my mind what we could have, should have, would have done differently.
It comes down to choosing someone more responsible to take care of the animals when we were on vacation. Lucas was sick and listless when we came home. His pans were filthy. The girl who was watching him has a house full of cats and other pets. Maybe she brought some infection in. I paid her, it seems, to not change the litter, not feed the outside cats, not remove the dead gar from the upstairs tank when he died, to let all the fish in the kitchen tank die, to not carry the dead bird outside but to leave him to be flyblown when we came home, to leave the outside cats and skunk without food, and to get into Tabby's toys and strew them all over the room.
I am angry with her and with myself.
Still, when we walked in Lucas was overjoyed to see us, purring loudly and rubbing himself frantically against our legs.
I cleaned out his filthy ears with a q-tip thefirst day we came home, as I had times before. The vet checked their ears and said they had mites, which we treated. Did I poke his ear too hard? Surely that would have shown up when the vet checked him...was he kicked or stepped on or hurt while we were gone? He had a habit of trying to rush outside. Doors were occasionally almost shut on him. The vet said that he would not run such a high fever with trauma, that it pointed to a serious infection.
I took him to the vet, the vet gave him injections and an oral antibiotic. He said that he did not have rabies, distemper, feline leukemia or pneumonia. He had very labored breathing and a high fever. He rallied, then worsened suddenly last night after 10 days on antibiotics. We tried another antibiotic. I stayed up all night with him last night, holding him, feeding him Nutri-cal, squirting water down his throat. He did swallow. The vet tells me all the ER would have done was give him an IV to hydrate him, but he was hydrated. When I called at eleven he said since his gums were still pink he was probably alright.
I keep wondering what I did wrong.
I wonder what else we should have done. He was only six months old.
To add to the heartbreak, my husband was awakened by the phone this morning and Tabby coming in to wake me up to tell me the kitten had had a seizure and flipped off the couch.
He was convulsing when I ran into the room. David stormed out (he is horrible when he has not had enough sleep) yelling that he needed to sleep, to take the kitten and the kids downstairs, and to not waste any more money on the kitten.
I frantically called the vet back while dressing, but when I walked out to the van he died in Tabby's arms. She says she is glad he died when he was being held.
Derek was stunned and sad, too. He went to Krogers at two AM to get Pedilyte for us...he asked Mandy how we can stand to rehab animals.
At moments like this I don't know how we do it, either, especially since after six months this is very heartbreaking.
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You did all you could. Sometimes they are just meant to cross over before us.
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Kas, i have tears in my eyes for your kitty. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! DO NOT....my goodness, you did more for the kitty than anyone i know. It is not your fault. The kitty gave it all it had.....but it just wasnt enough. Your hubby needs to be a bit more senstive. I am so so so sorry. Love, lisa
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Hey Kas~~ we do cat rescue since we live in an area with " kill" shelters..sometimes we house up to 26 cats ( well we have barns)... but each one until they find good homes mean so much to me... and I grieve at the loss of just one... sorry for you today Kas...
Lea -
lucas was loved and knew it by you. YOu did all you could do.
10/3/05 8:25 PM
~Miss O