Hestia Homeschool for Young Wild Women

Warning...more grumping is ahead.....  I am so glad I have this forum to blow off some steam...

After I waddled out of the doctor's office, feeling rather like someone had taken a sheet of sandpaper to my delicate rose-of-womanhood,  I went downstairs to the Outpatient pharmacy to get my prescription filled. The tech would not fill it for an hour and a half, saying they were leaving for lunch.  Excuse me, I am grumpy (inside) and in pain. The medication was to stop the horrific cramps I was having in my bladder. The nurse had instructed me to get it filled right then, downstairs.  I even resorted to the sneaky effort of telling them that my husband is a pharmacist at the Inpatient pharmacy, hoping they would give it to me. They wouldn't.  She told me to try the Inpatient Pharmacy. (My husband is ticked at this.)  So then I wandered off towards the parking lot, having forgotten which level I parked on and feeling the urgent need to cry and pee. 

Since my husband is working tonight, I drove myself to the tests.

Note to self--next time I have to sign in for outpatient surgical tests, do NOT drive myself. 

I wandered around in the hospital parking garage rather dazed and in pain for over forty five minutes before finally sitting down by the elevators. A security guard found me and kindly drove me to my van in his little golf cart, and did not even make me feel stupid for not remembering where I parked.

(A few hours later I realized just how out of it I was.) 

 I then drove to our grocery to get my prescription filled, where they kindly rushed when the tech saw how pallid I was.

Of course, the kids had lost my car keys this morning, so I was driving with a single key, which of course I somehow misplaced.  I could not find my spare key in my purse, and finally just sat down miserably in the grocery parking lot and dumped my whole purse out.  A kind elderly lady did check on me as I sat there between two mini vans. I finally found the errant key and went home.

I did not cry until I wrote all of this down. 

I am very pleased, of course, that I do not have ovarian cancer, but right now I just want to whine and feel sorry for myself. ROFLMO 

I am sure if the results were malignant I would somehow have managed to be noble and strong, but since I am apparently not going to die soon I have just fallen apart. All the emotions I have been squashing for the past month or so are romping around now.

Human nature is odd that way, isn't it?

Anyway, next week I get another round of tests, including having a wee camera inserted up my urethra for a look-see. I am tempted, at this point, now knowing that I am not going to die an untimely death, to just live with the prolapse and the leaking and forget all of this....I have been living with it for three years, and now wish the issue  would just go away. After twenty years of trying to have babies, having fifteen pregnancies, several infertility workups, a few D & C's,  three laps for endometriosis, two cerclages...I am tired of having my innards messed with....I am so blessed to have the children I have, my beautiful Mandy, my surviving triplet Tabitha, and my surviving twin Shelby.  I will never forget the babies I have lost. Ever.

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• #19 Comment from springsnymph 
  10/8/05 6:24 PM | Permalink

  {{{Dear Kas}}}  Thinking of you.
• #18 Comment from cneinhorn 
  10/7/05 9:07 AM | Permalink

  whine as much as you need to, get it all out hun.
• #17 Comment from dornbrau 
  10/6/05 8:37 AM | Permalink

  Pity Party at Kas's Place!  I'll bring the tissue!
  I've always believed that the emotional release attained from these pity parties are important to relieve stress, built up emotions, and for re-evaluating.  Clear your head and regroup.
  So when does the 'Pee Cam' air on PBS?
• #16 Comment from rgossett4195 
  10/6/05 7:21 AM | Permalink

  Oh course you are having a pity party!  You have well earned the right to whine, piss and moan!  Loss is loss, and grief is grief...and of course through it all WE WILL be here for you, always!  BIG HUGS!  rose
• #15 Comment from hestiahomeschoolEntry Author 
  10/6/05 2:18 AM | Permalink

  I did not mean to sound flip when I said I thought I would feel noble...when I had the melanoma back in 1990 I was terrified, but the extreme seriousness of it made me back off  my emotions and worry more about my family.  Now that I know this is not a fatal thing, I ws just indulging in self pity...