Endearments, and Dominance and Submission

I use a lot of endearments in my conversations with people and animals. With my family, I rarely refer to them directly by name unless I am either irritated, frustrated or summoning them.

(Tabby is Leu, Mandy is Beauty, Dave is Sapper, and Shelby is Baby. Leu is a Celtic endearment that means beloved).

With friends I use affectionate terms and I often call even strangers endearments like sweetheart or honey. I realize that in some parts of the country this might be offensive.

I am Appalachian, and it is just a cultural artifact of the way I was raised.

I also tend to touch people when I talk to them, particularly dominant men. It is a placating gesture on my part. Even--or especially-- when I am afraid of some men, I will often lay my hand on their arm. And, in general, it calms even angry men down, or forms some kind of a bond.

It reminds me of chimp behavior.

For example, a few weeks ago I was very unhappy with the Turkish man at the Levy who was selling baby iguanas to children. I brought a dead baby iguana to him, and told him he should not be selling pets to children if their parents are not there to approve. He was defensive, getting angry and he definitely violated my personal space. I could smell him. He had a sleeveless shirt, and was very big and hairy. He was standing very close to me, looming over me. I wanted to back away, but instead I laid my hand on his arm and spoke gently to him. I had tears in my eyes. It was a submissive gesture, but he did calm down right away and was embarrassed that he had been so aggressive and that he had frightened me. He apologized. And, then he listened to me, as long as I remained quiet and still. I was very aware in this particular situation that we were from very different cultures.

Back to endearments.

I was reading the blog of a young college teacher who was uncertain how to react when a colleague called him Kiddo. I mulled over this for quite a while today. I do think it is disrespectful if it was meant in a demeaning fashion, but what if the person saying it was quite a bit older and meant it affectionately? I thought about how I interact with others. Am I ruffling feathers with some of my playfulness and affection?

Maybe. Unintentionally, but perhaps so. But in general, people like me. I like THEM, so it is a natural response to like someone back who so obviously likes you.

I am unlikely to change my general interactions with other people, since it is an inherent part of the way I interact with people. I do occasionally make a very conscious effort to curb my exuberance.

I am in a unique position in our society, in that I do not have a boss and except for my husband there is no one whom I absolutely need to please or placate in my daily life. (And with David, it is a choice on my part to allow him to be dominant. It is just easier to allow him to get his way most of the time.)

I have been thinking a great deal lately about the nature of dominance and submission in my life, of when and how I choose to assert my own Will and how often I submit.

Tabitha and Mandy are both much more dominant than I am, and I usually bow to their Will most of the time. I choose my battles carefully, and I do not feel I have much authority over them that is not based on their desire not to hurt my feelings. Tabitha in particular can be very cruel, but if she sees that she has hurt me it bothers her. In small things, they get their way almost entirely.

I believe that by being this way--which is just the essential core of my nature--I have created women who are very dominant. Both of the older girls are extremely self confident and are very assertive. This makes it difficult for me at times. There are times that I wish they would just shut up and obey me because" I Said So Dammit", but the very qualities that cause them to question all authority--even mine--are the same qualities that will make them not be doormats in their lives.

More on this later. Tabby the Dominant has insisted that she Needs something. Now.

Written by hestiahomeschool Blog about this entry

This entry has 9 comments: (Add your own)

#9 Comment from magogos
9/5/06 8:31 PM | Permalink

My daughter Meg, is way more dominant- and assertive-than I am. I see it as a good thing. Margo
#8 Comment from csandhollow
9/2/06 3:52 PM | Permalink

Brook is that way, very dominate except with her mother. I raise her to be that way unintentionally of course. I am loud pushy and then I submit. He usually wins(at least he thinks he does! LOL)
I too, use lots of endearments.
#7 Comment from hestiahomeschoolEntry Author
8/29/06 5:02 PM | Permalink

Ah, Julia, you bring up an excellent point. When MEN touch your arm, they are almost ALWAYS being dominant and it is usually not entirely non-sexual. You are so right about this! But in a situation with an angry male, a soft touch, gentle voice, and a generally non-threatening non-aggressive posture from a woman ofen diffuses the situation. I do not think it can be taught though. I think that it is just something that I learned over the years, and it is the same thing that allows me to pick up wounded wild animals. It is projecting an absolute non-threatening, non-predator aura.

I think.
#6 Comment from juliapadg
8/29/06 4:56 PM | Permalink

That's an interesting thing to think about. I know when people use terms of endearment with me, especially if we're strangers, I notice. It's kind of a surprising thing and sometimes I feel uncomfortable for a moment, but then I usually like it. I think that goes back to being raised in a nonaffectionate household. I also really notice it when someone does the touch your arm while they're talking to you think. It makes me a little bit uncomfortable until get a feel for the person. Men in particular, since it usually doesn't feel strictly platonic to me. Again, I think this goes back to growing up in a home where you just didn't do that. Just thought I'd show the other side of people who aren't used to that sort of thing.
#5 Comment from mumma4evr
8/29/06 4:26 PM | Permalink

Jenna calls me her beautiful Momma but only when she wants something!
Becky

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Endearments, and Dominance and Submission