MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!!

5:22:25 AM EDT
Feeling Worried

                    

                                   HELLO JOURNAL..

                                    HELLO TO ALL

SOME HAS EMAILED ME WONDERING WHERE I AM..!!!!  SHOWING CONCERN OF MY  WELL BEING...

LET ME TELL U IM REALLY FIGHTING WITH THIS MONSTER  NOW THEY CALL BIPOLAR..THE  WHEELS IN MY HEAD ARE GOING ROUND AND ROUND....AND IM ON A ROLLER COASTER I CANT GET OFF OF...

WELL IM STILL REAL CONFUSSED RIGHT NOW... EVERY TIME I THINK THIS YOUNG MAN IS GONNA BE GOOD TO MY DAUGHTER HE PULLS SOME KIND OF SHIT TO UPSET HER. .....ALSO SHE HAS BEEN CRYING ALOT NOT KNOWING WHICH WAY TO TURN... FEELING SO ALONE  AFRAID SHE WILL BE ALONE AGAIN WITH HER 2 BABIES,,NOT HAVING A FATHER TO HELP HER....SHE LOVES THIS GUY  BUT DOESNT KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN WITH HIM SOMETIMES. SHE TRIES REALLY HARD TO SEE THE GOOD IN HIM..AND IVE SEEN GOOD IN  HIM WHEN HE WANTS TO... THEN  I SEE SOME BULLSHIT HE LIKES TO PULL AND REALLY  PISSES ME OFF

I HAVE RECENTLY SEEN A COUPLE SHADES OF GRAY THAT I AS A MOTHER DONT LIKE...

OK MY HUSBAND CAME TO ME AND DECIDED SHE CAN STAY AT HOME WITH HER 2 BABIES ... BUT I WONT TAKE THE BULL SHIT FROM  THIS GUY AND HE KNOWS IT.. I THREATENED TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM ONE NIGHT WHEN HE HAD MY DAUGHTER CRYING OVER SOME DUMB SHIT...,AND I LITE HIM UP LIKE IT WAS 4TH OF JULY......

I KEEP TELLING MYSELF MAYBE WHEN HE SEE HIS BABY  OR EVEN FEELS IT KICK FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER BELLY HE WILL THEN REALIZE THERE IS TRUELY A BABY IN THERE!!!AND HIS PARTY DAYS ARE OVER!!!!!

I DO THINK HE TRUELY LOVES HER BUT THE OLD SAYING YOUNG AND DUMB ..HE LIKES TO PARTY TO MUCH

I KNOW ONE THING FOR CERTAIN...THIS GUY  BETTER SUPPORT THIS BABY OR I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM...AND HE KNOWS I WILL..                                          

                                                  

                            

OK OK HE GOT ON THE  GOOD SIDE OF ME LAST EVENING..SEE HE WORKS FOR HIS BROTHER ..AND THEY BUILD HOUSES.....  HERE HE COMES WITH LUMBER AND PUTS RAILING AROUND MY DECK...WHICH I HAVE WANTED DONE FOR YEARS  JUST HAVENT HAD MONEY TO HAVE SOMEONE DO IT FOR ME..HE HASNT GOT IT ALL DONE YET BUT  HE WORKED ALL DAY  YESTERDAY IN THE HOT WEATHER THEN CAME TO MY HOUSE AND WORKED ALL EVENING DOING THIS DECK.

                IS THERE SOME GOOD WAY DONE DEEP IN

                                     HIM ????

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3:08:21 PM EDT

                        HELLO JOURNAL...

WELL IM STILL REAL CONFUSSED RIGHT NOW... EVERY PLACE MY DAUGHTER HAS CALLED FOR A PLACE NEEDS A REFERENCE WHERE SHE HAS LIVED BEFORE... SHE HASNT LIVED NO WHERE ELSE BUT AT HOME.....ALSO SHE HAS BEEN CRYING ALOT NOT KNOWING WHICH WAY TO TURN... FEELING SO ALONE  AFRAID SHE WILL BE ON THE STREET WITH HER 2 BABIES....SHE LOVES THIS GUY  BUT DOESNT KNOW HOW ITS GONNA BE LIVING WITH HIM...

I HAVE RECENTLY SEEN A COUPLE SHADES OF GRAY THAT I AS A MOTHER DONT LIKE...  HE  BETTER GET ALL HIS  DUCKS IN A ROW..OR IT WILL BE ME HE WILL DEAL WITH!!!!

OK MY HUSBAND CAME TO ME AND DECIDED SHE CAN STAY AT HOME WITH HER 2 BABIES ...WHICH IN THE FIRST SAID SHE HAD  TO MOVE OUT...
IS HE JUST GETTING SOFT OR IS HE TRUELY  SCARED FOR  HER TO...TRYING TO BE ALONE  WITH 2 BABIES

I KNOW ONE THING FOR CERTAIN...THIS GUY  BETTER SUPPORT THIS BABY OR I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM...

ARE WE DOING THE RIGHT  THING LETTING HER STAY???

....AT LEAST I KNOW THE BABIES WILL BE  

                         ALRIGHT...

  AND DAUGHTER WONT BE  STRESSING

 

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4:55:22 AM EDT

 

               

IVE BEEN SO SAD FOR SEVERAL DAYS NOW THINKING ABOUT  MY DAUGHTER MOVING OUT ..IVE DECIDED TO TRY TO MAKE A HAPPY ENTRY...SO  I DECIDED TO SHARE PICTURES OF MY GRANDDAUGHTER...

SHE WAS IN A BEAUTY PAGEANT A COUPLE MONTHS AGO AND SHE CROWNED FOR RECEIVING THE MOST GOOD LUCK WISHES...ALSO SHE GOT A 100.00 SAVINGS BOND...

     SO HERE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

                                       

                         

 

 

 

 

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4:14:50 AM EDT
Feeling Sad

                              HELLO TO ALL

SOME HAS EMAILED ME WONDERING WHERE I AM..!!!!  SHOWING CONCERN OF MY  WELL BEING...

LET ME TELL U IM REALLY FIGHTING WITH THIS MONSTER  NOW THEY CALL BIPOLAR..THE  WHEELS IN MY HEAD ARE GOING ROUND AND ROUND....AND IM ON A ROLLER COASTER I CANT GET OFF OF...

SOME OF U THAT HAVE FOLLOWED MY JOURNAL KNOWS THAT MY LOVELY DAUGHTER GAVE ME A LOVELY GRAND DAUGHTER 15 MONTHS AGO...THE FATHER IS A REAL DEAD BEAT  AND HASNT DID A THING FOR THIS BABY...I HAVE MAINLY DID IT ALL.. DAUGHTER HAS RECENTLY FOUND A JOB SHE HAS BEEN THERE FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS NOW...OK OK SOME MAY ASK WHY TOOK HER SO LONG FOR A JOB TO HELP...

WELL SHE ALSO HAS BEEN HAVEING TROUBLE WITH ABNORMAL PAP SMEARS  WHICH IN TURN CAUSE NEED FOR BIOPSY..SHE HAS HAD PRE- CANCER CELLS APPEAR...THEN THEY TURN OUT TO BE OK..

WELL FOR 15 MONTHS WE TOLD HER WE WILL HELP YOU RAISE THIS BABY AS MUCH AS WE CAN BUT THERE WILL BE NO MORE BABIES ..SO TO PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR BIRTH CONTROL RIGHT SO THERE WONT BE NO MORE BABIES... AND IF YOU DO GET PREGRANT ...YOU WILL HAVE TO MOVE OUT

                          WELL NOW FOR THE DRAMA!!!

 MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN DATING THIS GUY FOR A WHILE NOW...THEY HAVE BEEN JUST FRIENDS FOR MANY YEARS BUT HE  HAS ALWAYS WANTED MORE...BUT SHE DIDNT WANT TO MESS UP A GREAT FRIENDSHIP  WELL SHE  SEEN HOW GOOD HE WAS TO THIS BABY  THAT WASNT EVEN HIS..AND STARTED SPENDING MORE AND MORE TIME WITH HIM......AND THEY STARTED SEEING EACH
 
                                 OMG OMG

        SHE FOUND OUT A FEW WEEKS AGO SHE IS   

                          PREGRANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

                               NOW WHAT??

                        I CRIED AND CRIED OMG

NOW  THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LOOK FOR A PLACE TO LIVE...WHICH THEY HAVE ALREADY STARTED LOOKIIN

HER DADDY SAID SHE HAS TO GET A PLACE BEFORE THIS BABY IS BORN!!!  HE TOLD HER HE ISNT PUSHING HER OUT ...BUT THEY HAVE TO BE IN THEIR OWN PLACE  WHEN THIS BABY IS BORN...SO THE BABY GOES TO THEIR HOME NOT HERE WITH US...
                                         ...CRYING HERE...

DONT KNOW HOW IM FEELING ...I KNOW SHE HAS TO GO ..BUT IM SO DAMN ATTACHED TO THE FIRST CHILD I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT IM GONNA  DO WITH OUT HER HERE... BABY NAVAYA IS MY WORLD

       HELP ME PLEASE

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4:35:42 AM EDT
Feeling Sad

 

This depression and bipolar is really taking my life for a whirl and back...Dang sometiimes i just wonder is it worth all the living if i gotta go thru all these ups and downs.I wanna get off the merry go round im on..... getting really dizzy  and dang tierd of goning round and round ..Gotta be another way to deal with this monster they call bipolar

     

WELL I MADE IT THRU THE NIGHT...BUT DANG WISH I COULD GET OFF THIS LOW IM ON..ITS MAKING ME CRAZY...

 

LET ME TELL U IM TREMBLING INSIDE MY HEAD HURTS AND I JUST AM SICK AS U KNOW WHAT ON MY STOMACHE,,MY NERVES ARE SHOT..MY BRAIN IS FREEZING ..AND CANT EVEN THINK STRAIGHT DAMN THIS SHIT CALLED BIPOLAR THINK IT WOULD BE ALOT EASIER IF I WOULD JUST DIE...I JUST DONT KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS..JUST DONT KNOW IF I CAN GO THRU THIS ANY MORE..

 

WELL I GUESS ONE THING IS GOOD I MADE IT THRU THE DAY...STILL FEELING ALONE AND WORTHLESS THIS EVENING

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7:36:56 AM EDT
Feeling Sad

                       

                              HELLO JOURNAL...

              TO FINISH MY STORY SAD BUT TRUE

SO THE SHERIFFE GAVE THAT OPTION U GO WITH THE SQUAD OR I WILL HAND CUFF YOU AND TAKE YOU...I TOLD HIM HALF OUT OF MY MIND AND HALF WAY ASLEEP  I TOLD HIM  YOU CAN"T DO THAT...HE REPLIED OOO BUT YES I CAN!!! SO OFF THEY TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

THEY STUCK ME WITH NEEDLES THEY PUT ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT STICKY TABS ON ME AND THEN ALL KINDS OF WIRES...OOO OK THIS ISNT BAD YEA RIGHT....

HERE THEY COME AND RUN THIS BIG ASS TUBE DOWN MY NOSE INTO MY STOMACH AND BEGAN PUMPING THE PILLS OUT..THEN PUMPED IN THE CHARCOLE TO TRY TO ABSORBED THE DANGER OF THE  PILLS DAMAGEING MY LIVER.. THATS THE WORSED KIND OF FEELING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED..AND THE SIDE AFFECTS OF THE CHARCOLE ISNT PLEASANT EITHER

POOPING BLACK AND VOMITING BLACK CHARCOLE ISNT PLEASUREABLE BELIEVE ME 

OK IM OUT OF THE HOSPITAL NOW ...ONLY BEEN A COUPLE DAYS..BUT IM ATTENDIND A OUTPATIENT PARTIAL HOSPITALIZATION PROGRAM....

HOPING TO GO BACK TO WORK SATURDAY...GEE WHATS MY CO WORKERS GOING THINK OF ME NOW!!!!!

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7:28:44 AM EDT
Feeling Sad

                                       HELLO JOURNAL

GUESS EVERYONE HAS WONDERED WHERE IVE BEEN..WELL IT HASNT BEEN A REAL GOOD RESULTS..MOST OF U KNOW IVE  HAD MY UPS AND DOWNS FOR YEARS..SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN THRU MY LIFE WITH ME.. MY LIFE HAS BEEN LIKE A ROLLER COASTER RIDE..IVE STRUGGLED WITH BIPOLAR FOR YEARS AND MANY SUCIDE THOUGHTS ..

REALITY CAME TO LIFE I DID IT ..WENT OFF ALL MY MEDS ABOUT A YEAR AGO THINKING I COULD DO WITH OUT THEM

YEPPER A TIME BOMB WAITING TO HAPPEN YOU SAY!!!!MANY TRIED TO TELL ME TO GET BACK ON THE MEDS ..I JUST THOUGHT  HELL I CAN DO THIS..

                 THE TIME BOMB EXPLODED!!!!!

I WENT THE SELFISH WAY OUT I DID THE UNTHINKABLE ..I TOOK A OVERDOSE OF PILLS..SQUAD CAME AND GOT ME

DIDNT WANT TO GO BUT SHERIFF GAVE ME THE OPTION

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5:53:41 AM EDT

 

 

            

OK IVE DID SO MANY PICS OF GRAND BABY SURE YALL MUST BE GETTING TIERD SEEING THEM... BUT I  NEVER GET TIERD OF SHOWING HER OFF....PROUD GRANDMA SYDROME  HE HE HE

           WELL KRISSY HAS A PHOTO SHOOT OF ....

 This week photograph whatever you'd like...

SO DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT

                               SO HERE GOES......

 

                           OK THIS IS HUBBY"S

                                SWEET RIDE

            

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4:02:15 AM EDT
Feeling Silly
Hearing NUTTIN  LOL

                    SILLY SATURDAY

            OO LOOKIE HOW SILLY AND KOOL

                                NAVAYA IS

               

 

                    OOOO MY IS SHE HAVING FUN

                                      OR WHAT

 

        

          LET ME TELL  U A LITTLE STORY....

          SEE  THIS ROCKING CHAIR WELL GUESS  

                                 WHAT

                    IT WAS MINE LOL...

I GOT THAT ON MY VERY FIRST BDAY...THAT ROCKING CHAIR IS 49 YEARS OLD....

       I USED IT AND DAUGHTER USED IT AND NOW

                    MY GRANDBABY!!!!

 

      

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6:23:49 AM EST
Feeling Silly

OK SINCE TUESDAY WAS MY  BIRTHDAY AND IM AT THE HALF WAY OF LIFE SPAN NOW LOL ...I THOUGHT THIS WAS SO FUNNY ... I WONT GIVE UP ON SHOPPING LMAO

 

                    GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?"

"No I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless
woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"
I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"  
I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years! "

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you th e money.
Ins tead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."

The homeless s Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine."  

HERES LOOKIN AT U BABY!!!

 

                    

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