hopesjadded thoughts

2:01:45 PM EST
i dont know why i am bothering with this because i dont have a lot of access to a computer anymore
i wonder what it looks like when i do it like this with text... it seems to be more work than its worth... then again everything
seems to be more work than its worth lately... i feel like im spinning my wheels working but getting no where
i need things to change something has to give here before i lose my mind my will to keep going
i feel like im not living just surviving using anything i can to make it through a day or a night i hate myself

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3:05:24 PM EDT
And timeo i know where my mind will be for the rest of the ride

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3:11:38 PM EDT
Oh how i hate myself...i think i did it again

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12:10:13 AM EDT

Hunger                                                                           Janis Ian<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I hunger for you like a sky for the weight of the sun
I hunger for you like a tide for the moon to come
I hunger for you like the skin of a doe for the blade
I watch you like the sin of the lost for the saved

hunger in the body, hunger in the soul
hunger when I’m lonely, hunger when I’m whole
hunger in the heart, hunger in the home
whenever we’re apart, I’m hungry to the bone

I hunger for you like a sheet for the scent of your lips
and in the heat that rakes across your fingertips
I hunger for you like a thief for the night to descend
I hunger for you like a whore for a man to call friend

hunger is the body, hunger is the soul
hunger for the lonely, hunger for the whole
hunger in the heart, hunger in the home
whenever we’re apart, I’m hungry to the bone

why don’t I drink my tears like wine
they’re the only taste you leave behind

I hungered for you so long the seas ran dry
hungered for you so long the mountains cried
here is a well that reeks of rock and rain
hunger is a hole that calls my name

hunger for the body, hunger for the soul
hunger when I’m lonely, hunger when I’m whole
hunger for the heart, hunger for the home
whenever we’re apart, I’m hungry to the bone
whenever we’re apart, I’m hungry to the bone

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5:58:14 PM EST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing fiona apple~sullen girl,slow like honey,the child is gone

so here i am again ...feeling sad, and thinking i'm missing him ...but it hit me today ...i dont miss him ...i miss the feelings ...i miss the way i felt then...yes how i felt with him ...but that doesnt mean i wont feel that way again with someone else...and just maybe its even possibly to feel that good and happy all bymyself...to have a passion not just for someone...but for life. i always think if only i could talk to him ...but when i ask myself why i want to... i dont have a answer...when i ask  why  i want to hear from him so badly i have no clue...i'm not even sure i really do..I am missing the person i wanted him to be...a person i made up in my mind...

i am putting this here so i remember that

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10:57:03 AM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing Jimmy Eat World

i rarely write in this jouranl anymore...but this belongs here...

this morning i did something that was significant to me...i had been holding onto a pair of earings that someone that was once special to me had given me...they have been sitting in the top drawer of my nightstand for quite awhile now...i have thought of throwing them away several times but couldnt bring myself to do it besides i couldnt see throwing away perfectly good earings ...i have thought about wearing them a few times but decided against that too...So this morning i gave them away i put them in my daughters ears and didnt think twice about it...and now that i'm thinking about it i could have thrown them away now...but she needed new earings anyway...

this may sound really silly that i am making such a big deal over earings...but earings arent really what i am writing about

for so long i wondered how long it would take for me to feel better...when would it stop hurting when i thought about him when would i finally stop missing him ... when would i be able to finally let go of the feelings i was holding on too... the feelings that were holding me back... 

 maybe i was just holding to what i wished he would have been ... not who he really is

it feels good to finally be letting go

 

 

Jimmy Eat World Lyrics

Praise Chorus Lyrics

Are you gonna live your life wonderin' standing in the back lookin' around?
Are you gonna waste your time thinkin' how you've grown up or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you actingserious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Or even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you'll miss out.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Stick around nostalgia won't let you down.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Whatcha gonna have to say for yourself?
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Crimson and clover, over and over.
Crimson and clover, over and over.
Our house in the middle of the street, why did we ever meet?
Started my rock 'n roll fantasy.
Don't don't, don't let's start, why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock 'n rollen heart.
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
So come on Davey, sing me somethin' that I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Here tonight.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight

 

 

 

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11:01:31 AM EDT
Feeling Silly
Hearing Default- You can count on Me

The good old days or last weekend? I think we can all relate.....

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR
BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M. LATE NIGHT PIZZA ON THE FLOOR (WHICH
WE'RE EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND
CARRY ON EATING IT.

6.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM
SOOOOO MUCH.

7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW
SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US

9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH GRADE TEACHER.

10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND
SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING TO US.

11. OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO WE
KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

12. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

13. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

14. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR

15. WE START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."

16. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

17. OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.

18. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO
BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.

19. WE BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON OUR BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT
DOWN ON THE TIME WE''RE IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM OUR DRINK.

20. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

... SADLY, MANY OF THESE
ARE TRUE.

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1:27:35 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing Sleep to dream -Fiona Apple

Fiona Apple Lyrics

Sleep To Dream Lyrics

I tell you how I feel
But you don't care
I say tell me the truth
But you don't dare
You say love is a hell
You cannot bear
And I say gimme mine
Back and then go there
For all I care
I got my feet
On the ground
And I don't go to
Sleep to dream
You got your head
In the clouds
And you're not at
All what you seem
This mind, this body
And this voice cannot be
Stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you
Don't come around
I got my own hell to raise

I have never been
So insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas
To wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool
Just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool
But you just run to hide
And I can't abide

I got my feet
On the ground
And I don't go
To sleep to dream
You got your head
In the clouds and
You're not at all
What you seem
This mind, this body
And this voice cannot be
Stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you
Don't come around
I got my own hell to raise

Don't make it a big deal
Don't be so sensitive
We're not playing
A game anymore
You don't have
To be so defensive
Don't you plead me your case
Don't bother to explain
Don't even show me your face
'Cause it's a crying shame
Just go back to the rock
From under which you came
Take the sorrow you gave
And all the stakes you claim
And don't forget the blame

I got my feet
On the ground
And I don't go
To sleep to dream
You got your head
In the clouds and
You're not at all
What you seem
This mind, this body
And this voice cannot be
Stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget
What I told you
Don't come around
I got my own hell to raise

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10:56:24 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing A Perfect Circle

A Perfect Circle Lyrics

Passive Lyrics

“Dead as dead can be,” my doctor tells me
But I just can’t believe him, never the optimistic one
I’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy
Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way

Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become…my perfect enemy…

Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way

Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
You’re better of this…you’re better off this…
Maybe you’re better off!

Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say, “You fucking disappoint me!”
Maybe you’re better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me!

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1:38:43 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing splashdown ironspy Splashdown Lyrics

Ironspy Lyrics

Ironspy
I didn't hear you coming from behind.
Yes, I'm afraid to turn around,
To watch you point and whisper like a child.

Someone
Stop my hands from shaking
Iron in my spine's conducting lightning
Raging anger,
Yeah, you've never been truly mine,
But if you were, yes, if you were, I wouldn't want you anyway.

Please leave -- stay...
I promise I'll try harder now.
You've made the cut, and stayed to watch it bleed,
Just making sure, your secret stays with me...

Someone
Stop my hands from shaking
Iron in my spine's conducting lightning
Raging anger,
Yeah, you've never been truly mine,
But if you were, yes, if you were, I wouldn't want you anyway.

Ironspy
The lines just keep escaping me.
And people on the trains play little games
To keep their guns from firing rage restrained.

Someone
Stop my hands from shaking
Iron in my spine's conducting lightning
Raging anger,
Yeah, you've never been truly mine,
But if you were, yes, if you were, I wouldn't want you anyway.

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