A Moment That is Mine

12:54:20 PM EDT I've decided that for those of you who once read this journal (I don't know if anybody reads this at all anymore, probably not, so I'll be e-mailing those who I know read this) I've created an LJ ID for their use. That way you can read my journal without creating a new ID that you won't use. If you want the name and password, please e-mail me and if I recognize your username, I'll send it to you.

Love always,
Vickey


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6:48:41 PM EDT Obviously I don't write in this journal. It will always remain special to me as will all of you. Feel free to follow me to my LJ. Unfortunately, it's a friends only journal (except for memes). That means to read most of my entries you have to have a livejournal ID. (Sorry for that.) I'm not deleting this journal. I hate to leave JLand but it just doesn't feel like home anymore. Please keep in touch. Feel free to e-mail me for any reason (or no reason) at all. I'll miss you all.

Love always,
Vickey


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4:16:43 PM EST I have dreamed at least three times that I was pregnant. It's the only thing that's ever been repeated in a dream. None of the dreams are the same except that I'm pregnant and when I wake up I always feel confused as to whether I am or not. It's been nearly an hour since I woke up and I'm still vaguely concerned as to whether I am pregnant or not.

I have no clue what is causing these dreams. The one I had last night was odd. I'll try to tell you about it.

I dreamt I was pregnant with the baby of the second man I'd slept with. His name started with a J but I'm not quite sure what it was. He worked at this place that had a sign with big brown letters. The actual place looked like a playground actually. It was made of wood and painted or stained deep dark brown like my old school's old playground. He had also gotten my older cousin pregnant after I was already out of his life. (He basically deserted me when I got pregnant.) So backtracking now, I was in the hospital and having contractions (horrible ones) and (it's a little fuzzy because this was the first part of the dream so bear with me) my mom and this older guy that I knew and two of the guys from my english class and Tracy (one of my mom's friends) and a couple little girls were there. My contractions were about ten minutes apart and nobody had given me any drugs (lol). I remember at one point I wasn't me, I was the girl from Strong Medicine but I couldn't remember her name and no one would call me by it. (I now remember it was Lu Delgoto.) One of the little girls (she had blonde hair in a high ponytail and was about five years old) wanted to draw on my belly with markers and I said sure but if I go like this (demonstrated how i'd been reacting to contractions) to stop for a minute. So she starts drawing a big red heart and coloring it in and I took a greenish black marker and started filling in the other side of the heart. I rolled over on my side and the other girl (who had brown hair and was a little younger) started drawing on my back. Somebody mentioned it and I told them I knew and looked at it. (How I'm not sure but it was red or orange something.) I asked Tracy to put the other pillow on top (I had my pillows, one w/a light case and the other w/a darker one) but she put the lighter one on top of me instead of beneath the darker one. Some other things happened that I don't recall very well but then I was in the passenger seat of the car, driving to see J and let him know I was in labor. (My contractions had nearly ceased at this point for some reason.) I clambered up the structure with great difficulty and finally found J and Shoshauna (my cousin in real life and the dream). He was an ass to me and I was civil to him. Shoshauna said something about how she was pregnant too and it was her baby was getting the better end of the deal. I spun around and asked J if he was marrying her. He said yes and she started in on how they better hurry up because she'd start to show and her mom knew she was staying in a hotel but not that she wasn't there alone and people already knew they were close, they didn't need people suspecting how close. (Meanwhile I'd already known they were having relations and I was POed enough for the entire family.) I left muttering how I was sure that my baby got the better end of the deal. She already had to deal with having his genes but to have to deal with him raising her?

This is the last I recall. Any ideas on this could be appreciated. I've got no idea what it means. I started the pill a week ago and I had a conversation yesterday that greatly involved sex in the clinical sense and I did SI yesterday for the first time in over 3 months. If any of that helps. lol Like I've said, I've dreamt this before (well, the pregnancy part) and I always wake up feeling pregnant. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you're a 14, 15, 16 year old who hasn't even been KISSED to wake up feeling pregnant.


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3:24:00 PM EST WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my permit and I drove today!!!!!!!!!!


That is all. Please resume your normal lives.


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3:37:47 PM EST So I've been pretty much totally MIA here lately. There hasn't been much going on in my life and yet there's been a lot. Ummm I'm sixteen now. I'm still single, still never been kissed, still mentally screwed up. I just started the pill (as in like 15 mins ago I took my first one) and nobody believes my reasons for going on it so I won't bother to explain them here just know it's not for pregnancy prevention because I'm not considering having sex anytime soon.

I've been pulling away from everybody lately and it's really sucky. I just don't feel very close to anyone. I feel on edge most of the time and I'm totally procrastinating. I've got a major paper to do for english about an abstract topic I came up with myself that I can't really explain. But it's actually a decent topic. I'm feeling very odd lately. I'm happy right now (last night I had my sweet sixteen party and it was absolutely amazingly fun) but most of the time I feel secluded and upset.

So my dad got home and I'm pissed again. My parents haven't gotten along well at all lately and I haven't gotten along with them. I've been a total bitch lately. I really want to just go off on my own. Road trip on my own. Can't wait to finally do it. I'm so doing it either one of the breaks my junior year or next summer. I've gotta go do homework so I'll try to write more later. If not, sorry. I'm okay though. If anything happens to me, Lindz knows to let y'all know and she's got my password so don't worry bout me.

Vickey


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10:34:33 PM EST I really do have to go pack like an hour ago (opps) but I just wanted to drop by and say hey, how are you, and I'm leaving tomorrow. Going to my mom's for a week. Monday is my birthday. I'm turning sweet 16. :) At 4:27pm. I love you all and I miss you and I'm sorry I'm not around more. Have to go pack and stop typing so loud (it's gonna wake my gramma up and she'll yell at me for not having packed before I got on and for still being up and on).

Later,
Vickey


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7:21:20 PM EST
I just deleted most of my alerts. I check bloglines more often than I read alerts. I've got e-mails up to wazoo of journal alerts and I'm just deleting them all. There's a couple I kept b/c I don't know the URL or it couldn't find an RSS feed but other than that, no alerts. I'm just really not focused lately. I don't seem to have time for alerts or journals or updates and it's annoying. I miss you guys so much! It seems like I haven't caught up with some of you in forever and I miss you. I miss the sense of home I had here. It feels like it's been taken away. When that was, I don't know. Maybe it was when the "great exodus" happened or maybe it was later. But either way, I haven't felt at home here in a while. Not to mention that I've had writer's block off and on for a while. I don't feel like getting into the drama in my life at the moment but maybe I'll write here tomorrow. If you guys wanna keep caught up, I tend to write a lot more in my LJ. (http://sawyerlove.livejournal.com) Later...


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4:27:05 PM EST 10/20
    Today, by all rights, should have me in a shitty mood to start with. My brother took the bathroom before I got up. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and then wait downstairs to brush my teeth. I had to get my scarf out of the car and I hit my head and smeared the PB on my toast onto my brother's shirt while looking for my scarf. Then I had to talk to whats-his-face. My global teacher hates me. My friends left me in the corner and my bracelet keeps poking me in the wrist. Oh, and PMS. (Enough said, right?) But... I'm in a good mood. No school tomorrow, Starbucks afterschool, a wonderful bracelet from a friend that loves me, and I got my scarf and found my wonderful half-sweater. Little things make me happy. And if my cramps/headache are still here at the end of third, I'll take more midol (aka happy pills according to Mag). I'm in a good mood and it's lovely. Oh, and I'm doing winter track this year. I'm nervous about it but I've already got at least one vaulter friend (aka Sayid). Not sure exactly why I'm doing it but I can at least try it, right? And if it turns out that it's not for me, I can always quit, right? My biggest concerns are not being able to run fast enough, not being able to carry my pole, and doing it entirely wrong.
    Yummy! I just bought a lollipop. Banana split. :) Oh, and a sub in math last period. :) And an easy class in health on suicide/teen depression and the fifth of the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens" which is "Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood". And my first class of the day in which I don't hate my teacher and they don't hate me.
    Global-Currie-sickeningly sweet-hates me
    Math-Zschoche-pain-I hate her.
    Health-Tata-actually a good, nice teacher-mutual like
    Chorale-Abrahamian-eccentric but cool-mutual like
    German-Frau Mac-scary when angry but mostly nice-mutual like
    Bio-Schembri-great teacher but I don't get a lot of the material-don't think he likes me
    Gym-Angus-coll but a little odd I guess-mutual like
    English-Mahoney-decent teacher but don't understand a lot of the materials-mutual like with wariness

    So 3 teachers I don't get along with, four I do, and 1 that's just weird. Hehe ^_^ I just won at bingo. Gave my sucker (prize) to Mandy since I already have one. I cut my bangs last n ight and they both look good & are the *perfect* length. We sounded great on Agnus Dei especially for having only got it yesterday. And my hair is behaving and my make-up looks good too. Little things I am grateful for. Little things make me happy.

Thankful Thursday

• I haven't SIed in 2 days.
• I haven't been tempted in a day and a half.
• I didn't completely fly off the handle at Andrew for his "jokes" about cutters.
• I have lunch in 1/2 an hour.
• I have Starbucks in 2 hours.
• I have a warm bed to sleep in.
• I have food in my stomach and a roof over my head.
• I stood up for my beliefs assertively in math.
• I had a yummy lollipop and a sub in math.
• I just Aced a bio quiz.
• I'm not pregnant at 15.
• I'm healthy.
• I'm a decent singer with a new opprotunity to sing publicly.
• I have wonderful friends.

10/25
    In TRSH for the second time this year. Both times because Becky drove me and I was late enough to not be able to squeak by. It's raining outside. It's a lab day. Which sucks ass b/c I didn't have breakfast. But I've got a Pop-Tart and a granola bar w/me and 2 bucks for "lunch". The birds outside are so pretty the way they're flying and all. There's dozens of 'em. At least 100 flying outside in the rain. My head is spinning. I should eat those Pop-Tarts in my purse. I can't really focus. And this b/c all I've had all day is a lollipop.

10/26
    My mind is devoid of thoughts writing down.

10/27
    I have writer's block. I can't think of anything to write and I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I have something like five assignments that I have to write for due either Monday or Tuesday and I can't think of a damn thing. I rarely ever have complete writer's block. I'll get stuck in a story or not know how to start a lab report or how to phrase something but right now I cannot think of anything to write. I get out this notebook and try to write or I open up a screen for one of my journals and try to write but I can't get a single thought to exit my fingers. I feel an obligation I shouldn't to write in my blogs. I've had writer's block for a week. I've had it horribly for an hour (horribly as in it's now manifested itself in my body, not just my mind). I hate having it in my bones. It leaves me scrambling for a single intelligent thought which will spark a story, lab report, fable, creative, or blog entry. Writing about my writer's block hastn' done it. This is all fluff. An excuse to space out in math. A habit. A desperate attempt to cure my writer's block. If watching The Great Pumpkin didn't give me that Halloween spirit, why should such a desperate attempt at getting some remote sort of inspiration back work?
    I'm reading Chocolat and I'm actually looking forward to my math homework each night (polynominals and monomials), These are my days. I want a job but my dad can't find my birth certificate or social security card & I need them to get a work permit which I need to get a job.

Some time b/w 10/26 and 11/1
Writer's block over. Thousands of ideas. A new story forming. I can't wait to get started on it. Unfortunatly, it'll wind up crashing as soon as my crush is over. Just as my story of Katherine and Matt did. I should probably work on my schoolwork. Or a cure for my seemingly incessant blushing. I keep doing that. Blushing, I mean. One thing. So much for not thinking about guys for two days. I survived about 10 minutes. hahaha

More later.


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6:26:51 PM EST I totally give up on promising you guys things. That's the end of my promises. Promise. lol Time for some entries...

From aprx. 10/12
It's offical. Math this year sucks. Love algebra and algebraic equations or formulas but hate geometry. For those familiar with NYS courses, I'm in Math A/B this year. Which sucks major.
We all paint our faces with masks sometimes. We all play different roles. One of my roles is Sawyer. Sawyer's role is to be there for her friends, to be picked on a bit (all in the spirit of love, of course), to spit out her drink at lunch. There have been times I really didn't feel like laughing and I sure wasn't laughing hard enough to spit out my drink. But I did it anyways. And because I played that role, and apparently played it well, Jack (my darling friend) was shocked at my entry in my LJ. This entry was directed at my friends at school. I was explaining how I can't stop being tempted to SI. How it's not as easy as "I want to stop". Apparently Jack believed my role so often that she thought I was always happy, always cheerful, and always ready to brighten someones day. And to some degree that's true. If I can make your day better, I will do it most days. I spend most of my time either content, happy, angry, or sad. ANd most of that is content or happy! I lead a pretty good life. I'm finally not depressed and I love it. Yes, I get sad but I don't contemplate suicide. My SI is taking out my anger at my father on myself. And it makes no sense but that's how it is. I need a shrink to help me learn how to get my anger out in other ways. I need a shrink so I don't wind up SIing with more than my nails (which I cut off last night, btw). Ya know what? Go read that entry if you wanna know what all is written there. I wrote it better there than I can ever regurgitate here.

Same day...
My cold is better than it was this morning. Always gets better during the day and worse at night and in the mornings. I'm starving. Didn't eat breakfast and left my water bottles at home so I don't even have water except during passing times.

10/14
I can't go to Hots tonight and I'm so mad. Hots is my release, my escape, my once a week guaranteed socialization outside of school. And we don't have school next Friday so I don't get Hots then either. I'm gonna see if some people wanna do Starbucks next Thursday after school. Like Mag and Josh. And hope they weren't kicked out last year or the year before. Yeah, it happened.

10/17
One. Year. Ago. I wanted to cut myself. One Year. Ago. I didn't. I used a red marker instead. I haven't wanted to hurt myself in about 9 hours. {Last night I wanted to in order to make it years from today I hadn't SIed in. It was a physical feeling that I conquered by putting my wristband on. I almost want to actually cut. I blame the website I looked at yesterday. It claimed in order to be considered a "self-injurer", you had to have made marks that "did tissue damage" (broke the skin, bruised, or left marks that were visible an hour later) and some other condition. I think it was that you'd done it to get rid of some "negative feeling" and I do that. I SI in an attempt to get rid of my anger. But I feel like the more ppl know about how little I've SIed, how the scratches are only surface wounds, how it only lasts a few minutes that I'm SIing (if that); the less they'll feel this is real. I feel if I cut, even once, they'd have to realize this is real and that I need help.} The last time it was a mental desire was 3 1/2 days ago. And the last time I did was umm.... I'll have to figure that out when I get home.

Same day.
I don't trust myself today. If I had nails, I prolly would wind up SIing today. I didn't want to risk fighting with Dad and cutting. That is one step I will not take. So I'm sleeping at Lindz's and going home with her on the bus. I think the last I rode someone else's bus was seventh or eighth grade. Bringing all my stuff to school was a pain though. I had to use an actual backpack and it's filled to the seams.

Same day.
I hate lab days. I hate not eating lunch. I hate English this year. He's trying to get me to be a "self-directed learner" and to do all these things that I don't understand. Like power paragraphs and thesis statements. (And everything in my bag smells like crappy perfume!) I probably should guard this better. I've guarded it viciously to protect the secrets of others but I've left mine out for many to see today. Andrew, Misako, Kyle, Jenn, Mrs. Pain-in-the-ass, Mr. Mahoney, all of these people could possibly know my secret.

10/18
I saw Ali yesterday. I don't like hospitals. They don't scare me, persay, but I'd rather not go there if I could help it. I make exceptions though. I hadn't been in a hospital that I recall in seven years. When I think hospital, I think sick. Really sick. And Ali is. And I didn't know if she'd be weak and hardly able to walk or what. Which scared me. But she was just normal Ali. We went for a walk around the hospital. She showed us (Lindz and I) the lowest level. You're not supposed to go there, I don't think. But we did. Ali goes like everywhere. She knows the ins and outs of that hospital too well. She showed us the psych ward she was in a couple months ago. It was really fun. I'm going back to see her tonight by myself after school. My teeth were chattering so bad last night though. When I get nervous, they do that. If I suppress it, my head'll shake or my hands or something. If I'm really nervous, my umm... how to put this delicately? digestive system doesn't like tohold food. Get the drift? I'm just glad I wasn't that nervous. I said I'd bring her coke tonight so I'm gonna run to Wegman's and get coke and a job application. I'm going to fill out the paperwork today in "the career center" for a work permit. Hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be working at Wegman's. I know a lot of people that are cashiers there which happens to be the job I want. Or the deli. But I think you have to be 18 to work a slicer. And tall enough to see over the counter. Which I'm not. Anyhow, I'd rather be a cashier. Dawn, wanna give me a quick lesson on registers? lol Not really sure why and I'd probably hate it but it's money and that's what I need. But Wegman's is a great company to work for. Fortune 500 top 10 I think. Scholarship program for college, flexible hours, when I come home for breaks at college I can pick up a couple hours to work easily, walking distance to my house. Great job, basically.
Today is Make A Difference Day. Just so you know. I need 40 hours of volunteer work by my senior year. I currently have zero. It's honestly not that much. It's less than an hour a week over a year. And I still have three in which to do it.
I took about a bajillion pictures of Ali last night. And I plan on taking a billion more tonight. I'll upload them to my photobucket tonight. I have to e-mail them to Ali and I'll post some of the really good, cute ones tonight. I got some I really like and some she really likes too. Which is a shock but it's a good thing too. I took some when she shut the lights off not knowing exactly where they were or what kind of a picture I'd get. By that point, Ali knew the sound of the camera and she'd make a funny face when I hit the button. I'm obsessed with photographing her.I think b/c I know she's really sick and CF is terminal. I know she's getting worse and that she won't live as long as she deserves to. My only fear about dying is that I'll be forgotten, I won't be understood, my complexities won't be understood, and that who I am will fade just as quickly as I do. I'm taking out this fear by making sure there is photographic evidence that she existed, of who she is, of her looks. I feel like, in so many ways, I don't know who she is. I know that I love her. That I trust her. That she doesn't like to talk about her CF. That she fully expects to be around in June (don't ask how I know this. The comment had to do with Betty though). I don't believe she'll die before the end of the year. I think she wil be around next year. At least until January. Yes, she's horribly sick. Yes, she's in the hospital. Yes, she's dying. But I think she'll see the year 2006. And if she's well enough to pedal around Strong, she's well enough to see 2006 at least in my mind.

10/19
It's Wednesday. LOST tonight. School tomorrow. But tomorrow's my last day this week. I get Friday off for some superintendient's conference day. I have a pretty green vinyl bracelet. Walking out of the hospital with it on, I felt like someone would think I was a patient escaping. In a way, I am. I mean, we're all patients. We've all got problems to be treated for. Ignore that. It was supposed to sounds smart and philosophical but it came out wrong. I'm joining track next year. Either running of some sort or pole vaulting, I think. Sarah's doing her best to convince me to to vault spring track. I don't know. But I've almost got my work permit. Just need my doctor's signature saying I've had a physical in the last 12 months. And to bring my social security card, birth certificate, & school ID to the career center in order to get the actual permit. I can work 18 hours a week til February 20 then 28 hours a week (have to be 16). Oh and I was right about the deli. Can't work there for another four months. Oh hey! Tomorrow's my 15 year and 7 months old b-day. Cool! And I get a mini celbration even. Starbucks w/some friends. Awesome. Oh but I'm PMS . hehehe ^_^ My hair is dirty and annoying me. I had a lecture about the homecoming parties first period, a unit test second, and now a quiz third.
I haven't been tempted in 12 hours. Haven't SIed in 10 days. My nails are starting to grow back. They're at the perfect length. Long enough so I can scratch an itch but short enough to take an effort in order to SI. But I guess I wind up SIing in another way though. I just didn't realize it. Instead of using my nails, I'll tweeze my eyebrows or cut my fingernails which forces me to cut my cuticles. So I've been in denial about it. With this revelation, I SIed last night. It's just things I already need to do so I don't view it as SIing. Denial.
Oh, and doing vaulting would be horrid for my mild case of anorexia (I'm talking really mild-contemplating or actually skipping a meal, not allowing myself sweets, decreased body image & self-esteem, not starving myself to be 80 lbs).
I've battled depression on & off since about fifth grade. My most major episode lasted 8 months from October 04 to June 05. I've battled SI for just over a year and anorexia nervous for about 2 or 3 years.
I didn't SI (in my typical way) for Ali last night. For her, I didn't. But I didn't realize that plucking stray hairs was SIing. I'm designating a safe spot. I will not harm myself or cause myself any pain (necessary or not) while on my bed. And when I'm mad, I will go on to my bed. Am I really ready to stop this? Am I really ready to give it up? Do I want to stop? I know I said I do but I guess I'm hesitant to give up any coping skill I have. Maybe it's a control thing. I have no control over my life and the death of Charlie and Ali's hospitialization are driving this fact home. But I can control whether or not I SI. I can control if I eat or not. And, for the most part, what I eat and when. When I'm issed, I either SI, don't eat, or eat a bunch. I've even thought about barfing b/c I feel bad about how much I ate.


That's it for right now. Gonna go be girly and experiment w/my hair and make-up. :) Later, guys.


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7:22:00 AM EST Umm so much for that story I promised you, eh? It's midterms week and (just like last year) I'm late for my first test. This year I've got 5 tests, one of which I have to pass in order to graduate. Talk about the stress. Today I've only got one though, math midterm. Tomorrow I've got german, lunch with mag, and bio then Thursday I have global and math (the one I have to pass to graduate) and then my shrink and wax apt. and then I'm going to Lindz's for a sleepover/movie marathon. I really need that. Just to escape from my problems for a bit. Ugh. Speaking of problems, my head hurts AGAIN and I think I'm gonna go take some advil for it. I can't concentrate on math problems if I've got a headache. Later, y'all. Oh and because it's a half-day today :) I'm gonna come home and finish my laundry, take a shower, and type up/read some entries. Promise. Have a good day!!!!!!!!!


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